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Yay, another week down the tubes! Yay, another week of idiots to poison my very soul...
Promotion Hell
We started a special promotion on Wednesday that will run for about another week...people who call can get a room for crazy-cheap (about half off), AND they get a Buy One, Get One Free thing from the hotel...each one of those has about an $80 value too, so it's a great offer. We're getting a lot of normal, reasonable callers...and a lot of the opposite too. Some dickhead opened the EW and SC floodgates this week...read on, you'll see a few. But first...
No, we're not.
They set up a new 1-800 number for the promotion...said number either was previously belonging to Sprint, or is near a phone number that goes to them.
Me: Thank you for calling the <hotel> room reservations, this is Khiras.
SC: I have a question about my bill.
Me: Ok, how long ago did you stay at the hotel?
SC: I'm not able to make any calls on my I-Mobile.
Me: .......what?
SC: My phone! Did you turn off my phone?
Me: Ma'am, where do you think you're calling?
SC: Is this Sprint?
Me: No, this is the <hotel>.
SC: This isn't Sprint then?
Actually, yes, it is. You caught us. See, our management tells us that we can only lie to our customers once, but if they ask if we're Sprint twice, it crushes the veil woven out of happiness and uncrushed dreams, and reveals us for the frightened little phone-beasts we are. So sure, I'm with Sprint now.
Would you like to rent a room, or just piss off so I can get on with my life in solitude? When the veil is broken, it lets unfiltered sunlight in with no rainbows attached, and that makes our folk grumpy.
Really?
Me: Ok, and your name?
SC: It's S as in Sally, M as in Mary, I as in Igloo, T as in Thomas, H as in House.
Me: (what the hell...you thought I couldn't spell Smith?) ......and your first name?
SC: A as in Apple...etc etc etc.
Me: (facepalm) Address?
SC: 12345 A as in Apple, B as in...etc
I think there was a code hidden in here. Would you like me to signal your home planet for you, ma'am? Maybe if I find the right combination of letter-to-word-associations, they'll remove you from the phone.
F as in Frank, U as in Under, C as in Crazyass hooker...
[b]
SC: We stay there a lot, and we want to get a (specific room) for tonight that we always stay in.
Me: Ok...well, we have that room type, but the specific rooms with a King bed are all occupied right now. We do have them with 2 queens, or I do have some Suite roomtypes that-
SC: You don't have a single king!?
Me: Not in that roomtype; we do have some other rooms at this rate and these rates though.
SC: That's unacceptable, I won't settle for a queen bed. When one of those people in <first roomtype> leave I want you to call me personally. YOU. YOU will call ME.
Me: We can try ma'am, but those guests are all new for tonight, they're not slated for check-out until later in the week.
SC: And you don't have a single King room other than the tiny one?
Me: Like I'd said earlier, I do also have <suite and suite> available, but at a higher rate.
SC: Fine, just do that.
Strange thing was, she was all nice and angelic after that...but 5 minutes later, called back.
SC: What's the price on your presidential suite?
Me: <holy assload big amount over $1000>
SC: Ugh *click*
Me: And screw you too.
No again.
Me: Thank you for calling the <HOTEL> room reservatons, this is Khiras.
SC: I'd like to pay my phone bill.
Me: I'm sorry ma'am, this is a hotel, I th-
SC: This isn't Sprint?
Me: Definitely not.
SC: You're sure this isn't Sprint?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! No, my precious veil! The delicious rainbows and fairies are gone again. You monster. I can almost hear your soul cackling with laughter...and oddly, when I picture it, I picture the lead singer of Gwar screaming at me as well. He keeps screaming "People of Japan, look at my balls! My swinging pendulous balls!!!"
This could be because I'm listening to a Gwar CD as I type this though. Still, the visual works for you, hosebeast.
Welcome to EW Land.
SC: Yeah, I saw on this website that you have this special promotion going for a cheap room rate? I'd like to stay on these dates.
Me: Ok...I do have those rooms and rates available on that date, we also have two other roomtypes for this and this rate (rates slightly higher since they're better rooms).
SC: The website says the rate is <this> though.
Me: It is, that applies to a room with one Queen bed. The other two rooms have Kings or 2 Queens.
SC: Well your advertised rate says this, so I want that rate for all 3 rooms.
Me: I'm sorry sir, it clearly states at the bottom of the advertisement that we can only give the cheapest rate for our standard rooms. I'm afraid I can't modify those prices at all.
SC: So you're using false advertising!?
Me: No sir, as I said, the ad clearly states that the cheapest rate is for a standard room with one queen. We simply decided to add two additional discount offers so that our guests could choose which one they wanted the most.
SC: We'll just see about that. I'll call you back with my lawyer on the line, and you'll HAVE to give me the cheap rate for the best room!
Me: I wish you luck sir...but I'm afraid that since the ad states that we can't, that won't be happening.
*click*
I actually had the website pulled up the entire time...it states that the rate advertised is ONLY for that one room (we didn't even have to offer upgrades at slightly higher rates), and that the buy-one, get-one free offer that comes along only applied to ONE item. I immediately knew we were in trouble.
[b]More EW-ness[/b
Guest has just made one of those special reservations.
SC: Ok, now for the Buy One, Get One offer...
Me: Yes ma'am?
SC: I want to get first option on this day, third option this day, then second option this day.
Me: Unfortunately ma'am, the offer only covers your choice of one of those options on one day of your stay.
SC: The website says you have all three!
Me: It lists all three options, but it states that you can have this, this, OR this...not and. It also does state below that we can only apply one of the three offers...I'm not allowed to attach more than one offer to the reservation.
SC: (in the background, without trying to mask it) He's so rude, he's trying to screw us out of our buy one get one free stuff, he says we only get one!
Me:
Would someone please flag down the mental collosus on the other end that being a complete fuck while still in earshot of the person you're asking to break the rules does not get you anything good? I continued the argument for a few more minutes, then they finally gave up on me and booked 1 thing...then called back 8 times and got other people who still would not give them more stuff (I made tons of notes letting them know she'd already booked 1 reservation for the offer).
I...you...what?
Me: Ok ma'am, can I get your address?
SC: xxx xxxx xxxxx.
Me: Thank you. Can I also get I contact phone number please?
SC: For someone else?
What? I don't even know how to respond to that...maybe saying yes is what I've needed to unlock my inner happiness all this time. If I say yes, do you just choose a random number that summons a genie to me who will grant me 3 wishes? If I say no, have I stumped your evil banshee wit, thus banishing you once more to the netherrealm?
Me: Er...we need your phone number.
SC: OH! Ok, it's xxx-xxx-xxxx.
How anti-climactic...not even the heart-rending sob of knowing you've failed.
Me: Can I get a credit card to hold the reservation?
SC: Did you want someone else's credit card, or mine?
......What? Now I'm even more confused...phone numbers I could maybe justify as an emergency contact or something, but credit cards? How did you get someone else's card? Wait...I knew it. You're the Corpse Wagon aren't you!? You've got bodies stacked up all around you like cordwood! You're coming to KILL US ALL!!!
Or maybe your husband's in the next seat, however unlikely. I'm on to you, Corpse Wagon.
EW...Now By Proxy...
Like Munchausen's Syndrome! Only more of a pain in my ass!
EW By Proxy: Hi, I'm calling from <travel agency>, and Mr. EW Himself already has a reservation there. He's a frequent guest, and wanted me to call about the possibility of a comp upgrade to a suite roomtype.
Me: ..................
I checked the room rates...this guy is already staying for half off at a company rate, in a lower roomtype. The suite he's sent her to ask for costs 8 times as much as his current rate, and 3.5 times as much as the regular rate...about $800.
Yeah. No. No free things for you.
And now, for my last call of the week...
/sigh
Me: Thank you for calling <hotel> room reservations, this is Khiras.
SC: Is this Sprint?
Me: No, this is-
SC: This isn't Sprint!? But I called you!!!
NOOOOOO NOT MY VEIL AGAIN!
And right before I return to the fairy homeland for my 1 day off...
Promotion Hell
We started a special promotion on Wednesday that will run for about another week...people who call can get a room for crazy-cheap (about half off), AND they get a Buy One, Get One Free thing from the hotel...each one of those has about an $80 value too, so it's a great offer. We're getting a lot of normal, reasonable callers...and a lot of the opposite too. Some dickhead opened the EW and SC floodgates this week...read on, you'll see a few. But first...
No, we're not.
They set up a new 1-800 number for the promotion...said number either was previously belonging to Sprint, or is near a phone number that goes to them.
Me: Thank you for calling the <hotel> room reservations, this is Khiras.
SC: I have a question about my bill.
Me: Ok, how long ago did you stay at the hotel?
SC: I'm not able to make any calls on my I-Mobile.
Me: .......what?
SC: My phone! Did you turn off my phone?
Me: Ma'am, where do you think you're calling?
SC: Is this Sprint?
Me: No, this is the <hotel>.
SC: This isn't Sprint then?
Actually, yes, it is. You caught us. See, our management tells us that we can only lie to our customers once, but if they ask if we're Sprint twice, it crushes the veil woven out of happiness and uncrushed dreams, and reveals us for the frightened little phone-beasts we are. So sure, I'm with Sprint now.
Would you like to rent a room, or just piss off so I can get on with my life in solitude? When the veil is broken, it lets unfiltered sunlight in with no rainbows attached, and that makes our folk grumpy.
Really?
Me: Ok, and your name?
SC: It's S as in Sally, M as in Mary, I as in Igloo, T as in Thomas, H as in House.
Me: (what the hell...you thought I couldn't spell Smith?) ......and your first name?
SC: A as in Apple...etc etc etc.
Me: (facepalm) Address?
SC: 12345 A as in Apple, B as in...etc
I think there was a code hidden in here. Would you like me to signal your home planet for you, ma'am? Maybe if I find the right combination of letter-to-word-associations, they'll remove you from the phone.
F as in Frank, U as in Under, C as in Crazyass hooker...
[b]
SC: We stay there a lot, and we want to get a (specific room) for tonight that we always stay in.
Me: Ok...well, we have that room type, but the specific rooms with a King bed are all occupied right now. We do have them with 2 queens, or I do have some Suite roomtypes that-
SC: You don't have a single king!?
Me: Not in that roomtype; we do have some other rooms at this rate and these rates though.
SC: That's unacceptable, I won't settle for a queen bed. When one of those people in <first roomtype> leave I want you to call me personally. YOU. YOU will call ME.
Me: We can try ma'am, but those guests are all new for tonight, they're not slated for check-out until later in the week.
SC: And you don't have a single King room other than the tiny one?
Me: Like I'd said earlier, I do also have <suite and suite> available, but at a higher rate.
SC: Fine, just do that.
Strange thing was, she was all nice and angelic after that...but 5 minutes later, called back.
SC: What's the price on your presidential suite?
Me: <holy assload big amount over $1000>
SC: Ugh *click*
Me: And screw you too.
No again.
Me: Thank you for calling the <HOTEL> room reservatons, this is Khiras.
SC: I'd like to pay my phone bill.
Me: I'm sorry ma'am, this is a hotel, I th-
SC: This isn't Sprint?
Me: Definitely not.
SC: You're sure this isn't Sprint?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! No, my precious veil! The delicious rainbows and fairies are gone again. You monster. I can almost hear your soul cackling with laughter...and oddly, when I picture it, I picture the lead singer of Gwar screaming at me as well. He keeps screaming "People of Japan, look at my balls! My swinging pendulous balls!!!"
This could be because I'm listening to a Gwar CD as I type this though. Still, the visual works for you, hosebeast.
Welcome to EW Land.
SC: Yeah, I saw on this website that you have this special promotion going for a cheap room rate? I'd like to stay on these dates.
Me: Ok...I do have those rooms and rates available on that date, we also have two other roomtypes for this and this rate (rates slightly higher since they're better rooms).
SC: The website says the rate is <this> though.
Me: It is, that applies to a room with one Queen bed. The other two rooms have Kings or 2 Queens.
SC: Well your advertised rate says this, so I want that rate for all 3 rooms.
Me: I'm sorry sir, it clearly states at the bottom of the advertisement that we can only give the cheapest rate for our standard rooms. I'm afraid I can't modify those prices at all.
SC: So you're using false advertising!?
Me: No sir, as I said, the ad clearly states that the cheapest rate is for a standard room with one queen. We simply decided to add two additional discount offers so that our guests could choose which one they wanted the most.
SC: We'll just see about that. I'll call you back with my lawyer on the line, and you'll HAVE to give me the cheap rate for the best room!
Me: I wish you luck sir...but I'm afraid that since the ad states that we can't, that won't be happening.
*click*
I actually had the website pulled up the entire time...it states that the rate advertised is ONLY for that one room (we didn't even have to offer upgrades at slightly higher rates), and that the buy-one, get-one free offer that comes along only applied to ONE item. I immediately knew we were in trouble.
[b]More EW-ness[/b
Guest has just made one of those special reservations.
SC: Ok, now for the Buy One, Get One offer...
Me: Yes ma'am?
SC: I want to get first option on this day, third option this day, then second option this day.
Me: Unfortunately ma'am, the offer only covers your choice of one of those options on one day of your stay.
SC: The website says you have all three!
Me: It lists all three options, but it states that you can have this, this, OR this...not and. It also does state below that we can only apply one of the three offers...I'm not allowed to attach more than one offer to the reservation.
SC: (in the background, without trying to mask it) He's so rude, he's trying to screw us out of our buy one get one free stuff, he says we only get one!
Me:
Would someone please flag down the mental collosus on the other end that being a complete fuck while still in earshot of the person you're asking to break the rules does not get you anything good? I continued the argument for a few more minutes, then they finally gave up on me and booked 1 thing...then called back 8 times and got other people who still would not give them more stuff (I made tons of notes letting them know she'd already booked 1 reservation for the offer).
I...you...what?
Me: Ok ma'am, can I get your address?
SC: xxx xxxx xxxxx.
Me: Thank you. Can I also get I contact phone number please?
SC: For someone else?
What? I don't even know how to respond to that...maybe saying yes is what I've needed to unlock my inner happiness all this time. If I say yes, do you just choose a random number that summons a genie to me who will grant me 3 wishes? If I say no, have I stumped your evil banshee wit, thus banishing you once more to the netherrealm?
Me: Er...we need your phone number.
SC: OH! Ok, it's xxx-xxx-xxxx.
How anti-climactic...not even the heart-rending sob of knowing you've failed.
Me: Can I get a credit card to hold the reservation?
SC: Did you want someone else's credit card, or mine?
......What? Now I'm even more confused...phone numbers I could maybe justify as an emergency contact or something, but credit cards? How did you get someone else's card? Wait...I knew it. You're the Corpse Wagon aren't you!? You've got bodies stacked up all around you like cordwood! You're coming to KILL US ALL!!!
Or maybe your husband's in the next seat, however unlikely. I'm on to you, Corpse Wagon.
EW...Now By Proxy...
Like Munchausen's Syndrome! Only more of a pain in my ass!
EW By Proxy: Hi, I'm calling from <travel agency>, and Mr. EW Himself already has a reservation there. He's a frequent guest, and wanted me to call about the possibility of a comp upgrade to a suite roomtype.
Me: ..................
I checked the room rates...this guy is already staying for half off at a company rate, in a lower roomtype. The suite he's sent her to ask for costs 8 times as much as his current rate, and 3.5 times as much as the regular rate...about $800.
Yeah. No. No free things for you.
And now, for my last call of the week...
/sigh
Me: Thank you for calling <hotel> room reservations, this is Khiras.
SC: Is this Sprint?
Me: No, this is-
SC: This isn't Sprint!? But I called you!!!
NOOOOOO NOT MY VEIL AGAIN!
And right before I return to the fairy homeland for my 1 day off...
*collapses into a fit of the giggles*
the post... as always
)
Khiras you poor soul, here's one on me. 
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