The 7 Wonders of the World (Retailer’s Version) *Long, contains adult language!*

[Jack T. Chance]

Here's something I just found saved on my PC that I typed years ago, probably when I first discovered this site, back when it was only 5 years young, many hacks and server changes ago! So, this post was in all likelihood lost years ago... until I rediscovered it just now!

On a very frustrating day several years ago, I started really thinking about my years in retail, and the many things I've experienced over the years... ESPECIALLY the Sucky Customers!

Many of us are familiar with the concept of the Seven Wonders of the World... especially the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, which if you didn't learn about them in history class, you can easily read about them in any good Encyclopedia. And no, wikipedia does NOT count as a "good" Encyclopedia!

Using that name "The Seven Wonders of the World" as a jumping off point, this, then, was my Retailer's Version, with a slight twist on the original concept... which will become apparent to you as you read it!

I'm posting this list here, because yes, much of it DOES deal with SCs!

The 7 Wonders of the World (Retailer’s Version)

1. WHY do you morons never understand that no does, in fact, mean NO?!?
   This one does, in fact, actually have an answer: Bad parenting. You see, once upon a time, Joe Q. Public, Airhead-At-Large, was, in fact, li'l Joey. And when he wanted something, he wanted it NOW! But Mommy was mean, and told him no. So, he continued to pester her over and over and over and over and over until she gave in from frustration and said yes. But then there were times that didn't work, so then he asked Daddy, and pestered HIM. If that didn't work, he went on down his list – Grandma, Grandpa, etc., etc., until someone said YES. This taught him that this was the way to get what you want. And since Mommy and Daddy never whupped his sorry behind to correct that behavior, he continues to do it as an adult. There have been behavioral research studies that have confirmed this as absolute fact. So now, as an adult, he comes into your store and asks for or even DEMANDS something that's against company policy and could cost you your JOB. You tell him no, so he asks another employee. And another. And another. Until, eventually, you're getting bitched at by your DM. Grrrrrrr...
2. Don't you asshats know what the fuck a phone is for?!?
   If you don't know how late we're open, and if driving all the way out to our store is such a major inconvenience for you, PICK UP THE GODDAMNED PHONE AND CALL FIRST TO MAKE SURE WE'LL BE OPEN WHEN YOU GET THERE!! 'Cause guess what? We AREN'T reopening just for you, because, despite what you may believe to the contrary, the world DOESN'T revolve around you!
3. Where, in our job description, does it say that we're babysitters?!?
   'Nuff said.
4. Don't you know how the fuck to read?!?
   If the sign in the window says "CLOSED", guess what? WE ARE!!! GO THE FUCK AWAY!!!! Also, the sign with the Store Hours is there for a REASON, moron. Read it. Memorize it. Live it. And avoid our unholy wrath!
5. Whatever happened to the phrase "We reserve the right to refuse service to ANYONE"?!?
   When did retailers and customers forget about this, the Golden Rule of Retail? Am I the only person who remembers this?!?
6. Who the FUCK is the moron that let customers find out about the phrase "The customer is always right"?!?
   This was the most evil thing anyone in retail ever did, letting customers find out about that internal customer service guideline, because once it got into their warped li'l peabrains, the SCs of the world twisted it and perverted it to use as an excuse to get their way, usually when asking... no, DEMANDING that you do something that will most likely get you FIRED. I want a name. I want an address. I want a Presidential Pardon BEFORE THE FACT for killing the sonuvabitch responsible!
7. Why is it illegal to kill Sucky Customers?!?
   I mean, it’s not like anyone would MISS them or anything.

And there you have it! I think this dates back to, like, 2002. So, these are the things I was wondering about back then.

Some additional things that have come up since then....

• Item # 6 has since been answered on these forums. It was a British retailer, who ran a department store called Selfridge's or something like that. He spilled the beans in an interview where he was asked "What is the secret of your success?" and he replied "I treat every customer as if they're always right." And he's been misquoted ever since, and we've ALL paid the price for his inability to keep that secret to himself.
• DISCLAIMER: This list is intended for HUMOROUS purposes only! While it WAS created at a time when I was filled with much righteous anger, I am NOT actually suggesting nor recommending that anyone should kill or in any other way harm their SCs... or the guy that founded Selfridge's... if he's even still alive. My intent is solely to make my retail brothers and sisters LAUGH with my own particular brand of black comedy. Any other interpretation on your part is therefore your own problem, and I can not and WILL NOT be held responsible for it.

I wish I could say I came up with stuff like this all the time, but sadly, such moments of creativity are few and far between for me.

Still, I hope you've all had a good laugh after reading these!

[Imogene]

Assuming I understand the concept...
8. "I'll have your job"
I doubt you have the mental clarity to work a calculator, much less pen and paper. There's no way you could do my job. However, if you'd like to try, here's an application, fill it out and return it, then wait three to four weeks minimum for my boss to look it over and possibly give you a call for an interview. Meanwhile, spend your days wallowing in fantasy worlds, writing coherent stories that mock daily life, around characters who aren't perfect. Have at minimum three of these stories going on, in your mind, concurrently, with four and five just waiting for the right inspiration before you put hand to keyboard.
Also, go a little insane.
I dare you.

[Jack T. Chance]

Actually, the concept was questions that go through a retail worker's head... or, at least, THIS retail worker's head... when encountering Sucky Customers!

But s'okay... your post is still funny and at least strikes the right sort of tone!

[AnaKhouri]

Don't you asshats know what the fuck a phone is for?!?

Ugh, I get this all the time.

"But my kid needs this book for school, and I drove all the way out here because I knew you would have it!"

Yeah, you knew wrong. For future reference, here is a phone book.

[Hyena Dandy]

Hey. I got a couple wonders here.

Let's see if I can count right...

Okay

9) Phone Racists: Now, I'm not talking about racism against phones. For the record, some of my best phones are black. I'm talking about people who call tech support, get refused some extravagant thing they want, and then claim "You're just doing this to me because I'm black"

Whenever I hear this (Or rather, hear about or overhear, I've only had it once myself) I am forced to consider that whoever this is is from the future, and doesn't get that, in the year 2009, you can't see people you're talking to on the phone. Up until you told me I was being racist, I didn't even know you were black.

And

10) Selective Eyesight: I know, its one of the more common ones, but what is it with people only noticing signs with the word "Free" or "Half Off" on them? What about the more common signs, like "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone"? Does nobody see that sign? Or the sign RIGHT FREAKING IN FRONT OF YOU which tells you how long you can rent a movie? Or, how about the little sticker on the MOVIE which tells you how long you can rent the movie?

[Jack T. Chance]

Ugh, I get this all the time.

"But my kid needs this book for school, and I drove all the way out here because I knew you would have it!"

Yeah, you knew wrong. For future reference, here is a phone book.

Try working at a small furniture store chain, where you only have 2 stores in the entire STATE!

Gord forbid I should try to do my closing paperwork AFTER the stated closing time! Those asshats would show up 15, 20, even sometimes 30 minutes after closing (example: I closed at 8 o'clock on a Saturday, and it was a busy day, so I'd still be working on my end of day paperwork at 8:20 and I hear someone banging on the door!) pulling this crap of "we drove a half an hour to get here and now we've wasted a trip!"

You know, it's funny... when I worked for that mom & pop chain of bunk bed stores, I personally had customers that drove 6 HOURS... ONE WAY, I might add... to get to my store from way the hell up the other side of Pennsylvania from my store, because mine was the closest location to them, and they just refused to order furniture online or over the phone without seeing it in person first. And somehow, miraculously, THEY knew how to USE A TELEPHONE, so they knew what my hours were before they drove down! Will wonders never cease!

So, yeah, if THEY had shown up a few minutes after I closed, telling me they got stuck in traffic on the way down from Bumfuck, PA, I might have actually opened back up because, hey, special circumstances. But you live only 30 minutes away? Well, then, COME BACK TOMORROW. And learn how to use a phone, ferchristsake!

[mattm04]

Don't you asshats know what the fuck a phone is for?!?
If you don't know how late we're open, and if driving all the way out to our store is such a major inconvenience for you, PICK UP THE GODDAMNED PHONE AND CALL FIRST TO MAKE SURE WE'LL BE OPEN WHEN YOU GET THERE!! 'Cause guess what? We AREN'T reopening just for you, because, despite what you may believe to the contrary, the world DOESN'T revolve around you!

I had one SC who called the store, who phone number is say 909-157-5080 and proceed to quickly rattle of he phone number and DEMAND that we call her back because SHE didn't want to spend money on a long distance call. He number was 909-157-0571. Yeah, sorry that is a LOCAL call as the first six digits are exactly the same. I told the MOD who said to let her callback as we are not wasting our time in the inevitable game of phone tag. Moron.

[Naaman]

Item # 6 has since been answered on these forums. It was a British retailer, who ran a department store called Selfridge's or something like that. He spilled the beans in an interview where he was asked "What is the secret of your success?" and he replied "I treat every customer as if they're always right." And he's been misquoted ever since, and we've ALL paid the price for his inability to keep that secret to himself.

And to be fair, at the time, Selfridges was a very high class place to shop at. If your customers can spend £5K or more on a dress then treating them as if they're always right is excellent advice. That person spending £5 on tea bags....not so much.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

11) The Spatially Challenged:

Why, oh why is it people insist on picking up absurdly large items such as big-screen TVs and complete bedroom sets in an absurdly small vehicle such as a Mini Cooper?

And why is it many of the people who do show up with a vehicle that would otherwise be capable of holding the load waste space in the vehicle with garbage, groceries, purchases from other stores, or children?

I had a lady buy one of our big sleeper sofas and show up in a Pontiac Grand Prix to pick it up. I refused to pick it up off the flatbed. Ain't no way something that large is going to fit in a car trunk.

[Shards]

On the flip side of #4, in the only example of me being aggravated with a retail employee since I was 16, I was downtown today for classes and went by the Hobby shop to try to get my hands on some superglue, spray paint (for a base coat), and purple modeling paint, as I'm trying to paint my 40K miniatures, and already have all the colors I need except for the purple for details (color scheme is a custom design, using gold for the armor and both crimson and purple for detailing) and it was closed. No big deal, it's only 11:30, the store hours say it opens at 12 noon and stays open until 7. I have reason to be downtown again at 2, and I check again. No change. Store still closed, hours claiming it should be open, no sign or special notice that it is closed today for a special occasion. All product still on shelves inside, as far as I can tell through the windows, so they didn't close completely (I only checked because another store of the same name on the other side of town shut down about a month ago).

All I'm saying is that if we can hold customers to knowing our hours of operation, they should be able to hold us to being there or at least leaving some visible notice if at all possible. I'll be going back downtown (grandfather has a dental appointment) at 5, so hopefully it'll be open by then, but I'm not holding my breath.

[CrazedClerkthe2nd]

12. I've worked retail/food service/banking before and I KNOW you can do it!

No you don't dickwad. Unless you've worked in a store in our chain in the past month since our policies change constantly you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You worked here THREE years ago? Congratulations, everything you think you know is hopelessley obsolete.

[Naaman]

On the flip side of #4, in the only example of me being aggravated with a retail employee since I was 16, I was downtown today for classes and went by the Hobby shop to try to get my hands on some superglue, spray paint (for a base coat), and purple modeling paint, as I'm trying to paint my 40K miniatures, and already have all the colors I need except for the purple for details (color scheme is a custom design, using gold for the armor and both crimson and purple for detailing) and it was closed. No big deal, it's only 11:30, the store hours say it opens at 12 noon and stays open until 7. I have reason to be downtown again at 2, and I check again. No change. Store still closed, hours claiming it should be open, no sign or special notice that it is closed today for a special occasion. All product still on shelves inside, as far as I can tell through the windows, so they didn't close completely (I only checked because another store of the same name on the other side of town shut down about a month ago).

That colour scheme sounds a bit Chaos to me

And I used to frequent an indie gaming shop like that, posted time was 10AM open, actual time varied greatly depending on how heavy a night the owner was sleeping off. You got used to it after a while

[Shards]

Actually, what I love most about 40k is that despite an extensive backstory and lore, the creators encourage their players to make shit up themselves to make their armies unique. Mine is a Daemonhunters army centered around Cortez (a named Inquisitor Lord who already sports thee gold and red by default, and I'll just be adding touches of purple to) and his "Royal Honor Guard."

Yeah, I'm a dork...

[Imogene]

your post is still funny and at least strikes the right sort of tone!

Hoo-rah!
*giggles madly, trying not to foam at the mouth*

[EricKei]

9) Phone Racists: Now, I'm not talking about racism against phones. For the record, some of my best phones are black. I'm talking about people who call tech support, get refused some extravagant thing they want, and then claim "You're just doing this to me because I'm black"

Whenever I hear this (Or rather, hear about or overhear, I've only had it once myself) I am forced to consider that whoever this is is from the future, and doesn't get that, in the year 2009, you can't see people you're talking to on the phone. Up until you told me I was being racist, I didn't even know you were black.

I got that before at the old chain pizza place. Look, CS lady, even if video phones were in common use, I can guarantee you that the store would NOT spring for them. Either the cost, or the fact that you would be able to see how we react to you, would be major NO factors

In this particular case, we could not go to a specific area because it was in another store's territory (same chain, different owner -- ownership would not have mattered, tho) ... we could not go there because our turf is defined by contract. If we delivered to you, we could easily get SUED. So, uh, the answer is "No". That, plus, even if your place was within our theoretical realm, we would have removed it anyway due to the fact that it's far away, poorly lit, and high-crime. We ain't Dummynose, we don't send our drivers into areas where they're likely to get shot...