I Wish I Was a Fireman ( epic >< )

[BookstoreEscapee]

That poor little dog.

But that was where I would have broken rule #1, if I were dumb enough to have food anywhere near a GK post.

[BaristaTrav]

Because I knew. I knew there was no way that Man Bear Pig actually bought a transit pass….and I was right. Oh so right. He was flanked, questioned and removed at the next stop. All the while pleading for leniency like a blubbering little girl. Which it did not appear either officer was about to grant him.

Truly, the Heavens have not yet abandoned me..

Although I am a flaming liberal, this is a very strong case for "profiling."

ALALALALALALLAL~

Me: “Ok, and your name please?”
SC: “Shayla Heavenfire”

WARRIOR PRINCESS.

..

I once had an SC who proclaimed himself to be: "Firestar Peacock."

[Gravekeeper]

Although I am a flaming liberal, this is a very strong case for "profiling."

....in....what regard? He didn't have a transit pass. Not having a transit pass and being in a fare paid zone is illegal. End of story. They didn't target him in any way shape or form. The Skytrain cops do random fare checks on cars because the Skytrain line runs on an honour system.

They check everyone's fare on the train. He wasn't special. Just stupid and trying to skim a free ride.

[Jester]

GK, there are times when I think you are not quite up to your usual lofty standards.

This week, sir, is not one of them! Frankly, this is one of the funniest posts of yours I have ever read, and that is saying something. I think the only reason I am not clutching my belly laughing my muffin butt off is because I read it in two parts, the second part coming after I did a ten mile bike ride. (Try laughing when you're panting. Good luck.)

A lumbering, bear of a man who instantly set off the “Douchebag” alarm in my head. Instantly. I knew the very moment I saw him that this man was the embodiment of primate butthole. The sum of all asshole. The All-Hole if you will.

The "All-Hole"? That is an absolute CLASSIC!

[QUOTE=Gravekeeper;576136]The Temporal Suckhole Dilation Theory
( Scientifically plausible! )

Thus we can draw the conclusion that this caller, and others like him, are in fact gaping suck holes within the context of their own lives and the lives of those who are forced to deal with them. Drawing in all time, space and matter around them in an attempt to get it to comply to their unending suckfest of needs and demands.

So while 4 minutes may pass for us, he may in fact perceive the passage of 20 minutes from his end of the suck time spectrum.[quote]

Hilarious! AND scientifically logical, not to mention plausible. The fact that you were able to explain it so well makes it even funnier!

How exactly do you achieve this level of density? It can’t be natural. There must be some sort of mitigating factors at work here. Something environmental perhaps.

Like, perhaps, the Temporal Suckhole Dilation Theory? I mean, after all, if they are comparable to a black hole, we might as well apply another aspect of a black hole to them, that being that the density of a black hole is exponentially greater towards its center than towards is outer edges.

Once upon a night shift dreary...

One of the most brilliant pieces of parody I have ever seen! And I have seen, and even written, some pretty damn good ones! (Have one in mind for another thread, though unrelated to this.)

If you could become anything you dreamed off just through sheer hard work and determination I’d have been a Ninja Turtle by the time I was 10.

And I would have become....oh, crap, I don't do that whole "hard work and determination" thing. But if I did, I would have ended up as either a professional cyclist, a rock star, or a porno actor. Perhaps all three. Hard work, indeed.

SC: “Shayla Heavenfire”
WARRIOR PRINCESS.

That rates right up there with a girl I once knew named Kim Love. The amusing part is HOW I knew Kim Love. Three words:

One night stand.

Me: “And the resident manager is gone?”
SC: “He was here but he took off somewhere and we can't get into the utility room to turn off the water without him…

Don't firemen have axes? Can't they break doors down in emergencies? Or are Canadian firemen somehow different than their American counterparts? Am I missing something important here?

FD: “HEY! You go shut it off you fucking monkey! Don't go fucking telling ME what to do!”

Perhaps one of the greatest arguments for NOT working in retail....ever.

I doubt "I want to yell 'you're a stupid fucking monkey'" would work as a good reason to become one when I tell the family....

Probably not the smartest answer during the interview/application process, either...

No it wouldn't. Though if someone said that when I was interviewing them I might not hire them but I would be 100% understanding.

Frankly, I might hire someone like that. Even in the customer service industry.

Of course, my willingness to do so might explain why I WORK in a bar and don't OWN my own place. Ya think?

[Gravekeeper]

Don't firemen have axes? Can't they break doors down in emergencies? Or are Canadian firemen somehow different than their American counterparts? Am I missing something important here?

They do and they can, in the event of a fire anyhow. I imagine they generally try to avoid just hewing through random doorways because some fucking monkey went back to bed with the keys. I mean they were down there just to help out, not to save anyone from imminent death.

That said, the doors to utility rooms in a building like that are usually like stairwell or fire exit doors. Steel. ><

[Megg]

Me: “Ok, and how many tickets would you like?”
SC: “2 winning ones, please.”

"If I had those, do you think I would still be working here?"

That was my line at the convenience store of death, anyway.

[Food Lady]

GK, I fall a little more in love with you every post. But I doubt I'd be any match to your brilliant intellect.

[Dave1982]

How exactly do you achieve this level of density? It can’t be natural. There must be some sort of mitigating factors at work here.

GK, don't you know? His density has bought him to you. He's your density!

[Akasa]

Holy cow! Narwhals are real! I went to find the cartoon and song and found this:
http://animals.nationalgeographic.co...s/narwhal.html

[Gravekeeper]

Holy cow! Narwhals are real! I went to find the cartoon and song and found this:
http://animals.nationalgeographic.co...s/narwhal.html

You didn't know they were real? haha >.>

[Akasa]

No, no I didn't I'm from Texas we don't hear about sea creatures much there.

[Andara Bledin]

Because I knew. I knew there was no way that Man Bear Pig actually bought a transit pass….and I was right. Oh so right. He was flanked, questioned and removed at the next stop. All the while pleading for leniency like a blubbering little girl. Which it did not appear either officer was about to grant him.

Woot! I never got to see enough transit authority justice when I was on the trains for any period of time. Although I did get to watch a Metro officer dress down and dock a bus driver who thought it was ok to not actually stop at the local metro center (where the bus line crosses with 8 other lines and the local metro rail line).

I refer to this as the Temporal Suckhole Dilation Theory.

I'm going to switch that around just a bit and call it the Suckhole Temporal Dilation Theory. It's not only slightly more accurate, but it also abbreviates to STD Theory.

Quoth the Raven. “HI ITS <NAME> THE PRESIDENT OF <COMPANY> AGAIN"

So, on the third call, what was it he wanted?

And this dog. Oh god, this poor dog. It did not move an inch. But I met it’s eyes briefly. They were dead inside. This poor dog did not have a shred of dignity left and just looked back at me with silent eyes, pleading for death. It’s utterly spirit broken.

A kindred spirit, you say?

Me: “....our chairs are made out of aluminum.”
SC: “...Oh”
Me: “It only comes in the colour slate."

Slate is for roofs and floors and maybe park benches; really hard park benches. Why would anyone think that an aluminum chair was actually made of slate?

And, alas, you know that if you were a fireman, you'd end up with an asshole of a captain that would make you kowtow to the retards that you mostly deal with over the phone.

Maybe it's that since you don't have air for brains, you have more mass, meaning time goes slower around you, but faster for them in their airheadedness?

i think I'm glad I didn't go into physics.

Well, you're getting into quantum theory, here, and it can get really twisty if you don't have a really good grasp on it. *nods sagely*

They check everyone's fare on the train. He wasn't special. Just stupid and trying to skim a free ride.

Yup. I've seen transit authority in action, and they check everybody. I'm about as lower middle class white chick as you get, and they checked me along with everyone else on the train the one time I was them run a sweep.

GK, don't you know? His density has bought him to you. He's your density!

Glad to see I'm not the only one that thinks of Back to the Future every time someone mentions density.

Holy cow! Narwhals are real! I went to find the cartoon and song and found this:
http://animals.nationalgeographic.co...s/narwhal.html

You didn't know they were real? haha >.>

What he said.

I knew they were real at a young age, though, since I collect unicorns, and it's hard to avoid the "unicorn of the sea" without trying really, really hard.

^-.-^

[Gravekeeper]

So, on the third call, what was it he wanted?

He wanted me to leave some strange rambling message for his secretary about getting us to set up SMS service to his cell phone except by using a "web pop up" interface so that anyone that comes to his website can send him text messages.

I'm sure that will work out fantastically for him.

[Fenrus]

I'm sure that will work out fantastically for him.

But don't you know? He's the PRESIDENT of his company! He NEEDS this service!

How else can he send himself text messages without his phone?

Now, just imagine what the day shift would do if he calls back pretending to be his "secretary". "I was told by the president you had a memo for me? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE IT! I COULD LOSE MY JOB FOR THIS!!! *rabblerabblerabble*"

[Xarlaxas]

Maybe he is the entire company and this is how he communicates with the outside world hoping that each time he rings a number he'll get answered by someone else? >.>