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Hello everyone 
Merc is here with another round of stories, because I'm bored at work, and 10 hour shifts drag on. Especially when it's my friday.
Now in ablatantly stolen completely original format! HOORAY!
Sentient Taxis. Worse than Skynet.
Sigh. The bad part about being out in Henderson (which is still part of Las Vegas, just a suburb of it) is that no one knows where the hell it is. We're off the strip, but we're still close enough that it's only a short drive to get there. Most people who stay at our hotel are business types who want to avoid the noise, congestion, and associated crap that Las Vegas proper has to put up with.
Most of them arrive here by airline. Which means they have to take a cab from the airport, since our shuttle doesn't run that far.
Which also means they get to deal with Vegas cabbies. Oh boy.
Vegas cabbies are notorious for being absolutely psychotic, impossible to deal with, and they almost all drive like maniacs. I once took a cab out here, and in mid-trip, THE FREAKIN' DRIVER'S DOOR FLEW OPEN. He closed it like it was nothing.
Also, a large number of them are completely clueless about anything outside of the strip. This causes problems.
Such was the case with a cabbie earlier tonight.
Me: *canned greeting*
SC (Sucky Cabbie): "YES, I AM CAB, I NOT FIND YOUR HOTEL."
Me: "...Okay...uhh...where are you at?"
Apparently I'm talking to the cab itself now? I always knew the robot overlords would rise up against us, but I never knew they'd be this annoying. I'd prefer Skynet.
SC: *two obscure roads*
Me: "The fastest way here is to hop on Eastern headed south, then down to *other street*"
SC: "I DO NOT KNOW THIS STREET. NO GOOD."
Me: "...I just told you how to get here. Eastern to *other street*"
SC: "I WILL STAY ON PHONE, YOU DIRECT ME."
Me: "I'm sorry, I have to help someone at the momen--"
SC: "NO, YOU WILL ASSIST, I AM CAB, I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO GET TO HOTEL."
Me: "Look, it's easy to get here, you know Eastern, right?"
SC: "YES."
Me: "Just take Eastern headed south to our cross streets. You can't miss it."
SC: "I AM NOT GOING. I WILL GET LOST."
I hear him yell back to his passenger.
SC: "YOU TAKE OTHER CAB, I AM NOT GO TO HOTEL THAT FAR."
Passenger: "What?! It's less than ten minutes from here! The guy just told you how to get there, didn't he?"
SC: "I NOT GO, YOU GET OUT AND FIND OTHER CAB, I WILL GET LOST."
Passenger: "You've go to be fucking kidding me..."
SC: "I NO FUCKING KID, WILL BE LOST. OTHER CAB."
Cabbie then proceeds to hang up on me and presumably dump his passenger. Poor guy shows up half an hour later, and of course I have to hear about it.
God damnit, I hate cabbies out here! At least the cab service our hotel uses has clean cars (they're Scions), drivers who understand freakin' English and know where they're going, and have the sense not to swear at paying customers.
HURDLEDURDLEDUR
The above word is the only way to describe how one particular idiot made me feel tonight. I was left so senseless by her stupidity that I've begun randomly shouting nonsensical words.
Some woman calls up asking for directions. So I tell her where to go, and she hangs up. Two minutes later, she calls back. She headed the wrong way on the first road. So she turns back and hangs up.
At this point I was keeping myself occupied by browsing the forums for Sins of a Solar Empire, my latest obsession. Her calls were cutting into my video game researching time, damnit.
She calls again. This time she's at Eastern, but she doesn't know if it's the Eastern she's looking for.
...how many Easterns do you think there are?!
A few minutes later...surprise! She calls YET AGAIN. Now she's turn onto our road but doesn't see us. Well yes, that's because we're a mile down the road, idiot. Like I JUST TOLD YOU.
Then I get a call from the hotel down the street. She's at THAT hotel, and she's pissed off I gave her wrong directions.
This is despite the fact that our hotels are literally two fucking blocks from each other.
So she leaves the hotel that is clearly within sight of us and finally manages to find her way here. As I'm checking her in, she says "You know, you should really learn to listen more carefully."
...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHEKWFJIOWEVMWEYFOISMHURDLEDURDLEDUR!!! !!11!!1!
Porkchop Sandwiches!
If your first thought upon reading the above was "OH SHIT! GET THE FUCK OUT!", congratulations, you are awesome.
Anyway, someone wants to know where to find a good place to eat. But not just any place to eat. Somewhere that sells...porkchop sandwiches. Barely resisting the urge to yell out "You not cooking!", I inform him I really have no idea.
"Oh man, I could really use a porkchop sandwich, know what I mean?"
No, I've never been at a hotel and suddenly thought "oh god I need a porkchop sandwich right now."
G.I. Joooeeee....
...Is he dead?
Guy stumbles into our hotel last week and says he's waiting for someone to pick him up, and he'd like to just wait on our couch. Okay, no problem, happens sometimes. I can see only the edge of the couch from where I sit, but if someone is sitting on the couch I can see the top of their heads.
The guy sits down, I head to the back office to do some paperwork stuff, and when I come out a few minutes later, I don't see any head poking above the TV stand. So I assume he left.
A few hours later, as I'm getting ready to make coffee, I pass by the couch...and the guy is asleep on it. Great, another one of THESE people. Damn drunks.
I try to wake him up. And try. And try. Gently at first, about a dozen "sir?", getting louder as he doesn't respond. I'm trying to avoid touching the guy, because I've had a drunk swing at me as he woke up. I'd rather that not happen.
So I get a little louder. "HEY. WAKE UP."
Still nothing.
So I brace myself and push his shoulder a little. No response.
Push harder. No response.
By now I'm shaking the damn guy and yelling in his ear. "SIR, WAKE UP. COME ON, YOU CAN'T SLEEP HERE."
By now I'm seriously wondering if this guy is in a coma. Or dead.
So I call the paramedics, and they show up a five minutes later. Four of them, and a stretcher. They inform me that, yes, he's still alive (I knew he was alive, but he's as responsive as a corpse), and I watch them wake him up. They try touching his shoulder and saying "Wake up". When that doesn't work, they get a little more forceful.
One of the paramedics kicks the guy in the legs, and the guy next to him yells "HEY, WAKE UP!!"
The guy finally jerks awake, and I hear the following conversation:
Paramedics: "Hey, you alright? What are you doing here?"
Drunk Guy: "I was, uhh, waiting for.............a ride."
PM: "Yeah, from who?"
DG: ".......uhhh...my friend."
PM: "What's his name?"
DG: "............"
PM: "What's his phone number?"
DG: "..........."
PM: "Do you know where you are right now?"
DG: ".............."
PM: "You're at the Hampton Inn. You have a few drinks tonight, buddy?"
DG: "What? Uhh...yeah, a few."
PM: "What's your name?"
DG: "....Mark. Mike. Michael. Steve. STEVE. Eric."
PM, while other paramedics are trying to stifle laughter: "Okay, well you need to listen to me, Mark Mike Michael Steve Steve Eric. Okay?"
DG: "uhhhhh yeah"
PM: "Do you know what day it is?"
DG: "......"
PM: "Do you know what MONTH it is?"
DG: "December."
*more laughter*
PM: "It's June. How about the year?"
DG: "Two thousand.......................................... ...........nine."
PM: "Well at least you know that much. See? We're making progress here."
DG: "Can I go back to sleep?"
PM: "No, you can't. You need to get out of this hotel. We were called because someone tried to wake you for twenty minutes and you were non-responsive. That's usually a bad thing."
DG: "Uh huh."
PM: "Do you have someone you can call?"
DG: "Yeah...yeah I can call. I have a cell phone you know."
PM: "Great. Call someone and get out of here."
DG: "Yeah, okay, fine."
The PMs leave, and the guy calls someone to pick him up. As he's walking out the door, he look at me and says "Did you call the cops on me?"
I told him I called the paramedics, because I was worried about his health, and wanted to make sure he was okay."
He replies with "Fuckin' idiot" and walks out.
Someone should lock him up in a room. A room...with a moose!
Kudos to anyone who gets the reference
Merc is here with another round of stories, because I'm bored at work, and 10 hour shifts drag on. Especially when it's my friday.
Now in a
Sentient Taxis. Worse than Skynet.
Sigh. The bad part about being out in Henderson (which is still part of Las Vegas, just a suburb of it) is that no one knows where the hell it is. We're off the strip, but we're still close enough that it's only a short drive to get there. Most people who stay at our hotel are business types who want to avoid the noise, congestion, and associated crap that Las Vegas proper has to put up with.
Most of them arrive here by airline. Which means they have to take a cab from the airport, since our shuttle doesn't run that far.
Which also means they get to deal with Vegas cabbies. Oh boy.
Vegas cabbies are notorious for being absolutely psychotic, impossible to deal with, and they almost all drive like maniacs. I once took a cab out here, and in mid-trip, THE FREAKIN' DRIVER'S DOOR FLEW OPEN. He closed it like it was nothing.
Also, a large number of them are completely clueless about anything outside of the strip. This causes problems.
Such was the case with a cabbie earlier tonight.
Me: *canned greeting*
SC (Sucky Cabbie): "YES, I AM CAB, I NOT FIND YOUR HOTEL."
Me: "...Okay...uhh...where are you at?"
Apparently I'm talking to the cab itself now? I always knew the robot overlords would rise up against us, but I never knew they'd be this annoying. I'd prefer Skynet.
SC: *two obscure roads*
Me: "The fastest way here is to hop on Eastern headed south, then down to *other street*"
SC: "I DO NOT KNOW THIS STREET. NO GOOD."
Me: "...I just told you how to get here. Eastern to *other street*"
SC: "I WILL STAY ON PHONE, YOU DIRECT ME."
Me: "I'm sorry, I have to help someone at the momen--"
SC: "NO, YOU WILL ASSIST, I AM CAB, I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO GET TO HOTEL."
Me: "Look, it's easy to get here, you know Eastern, right?"
SC: "YES."
Me: "Just take Eastern headed south to our cross streets. You can't miss it."
SC: "I AM NOT GOING. I WILL GET LOST."
I hear him yell back to his passenger.
SC: "YOU TAKE OTHER CAB, I AM NOT GO TO HOTEL THAT FAR."
Passenger: "What?! It's less than ten minutes from here! The guy just told you how to get there, didn't he?"
SC: "I NOT GO, YOU GET OUT AND FIND OTHER CAB, I WILL GET LOST."
Passenger: "You've go to be fucking kidding me..."
SC: "I NO FUCKING KID, WILL BE LOST. OTHER CAB."
Cabbie then proceeds to hang up on me and presumably dump his passenger. Poor guy shows up half an hour later, and of course I have to hear about it.
God damnit, I hate cabbies out here! At least the cab service our hotel uses has clean cars (they're Scions), drivers who understand freakin' English and know where they're going, and have the sense not to swear at paying customers.
HURDLEDURDLEDUR
The above word is the only way to describe how one particular idiot made me feel tonight. I was left so senseless by her stupidity that I've begun randomly shouting nonsensical words.
Some woman calls up asking for directions. So I tell her where to go, and she hangs up. Two minutes later, she calls back. She headed the wrong way on the first road. So she turns back and hangs up.
At this point I was keeping myself occupied by browsing the forums for Sins of a Solar Empire, my latest obsession. Her calls were cutting into my video game researching time, damnit.
She calls again. This time she's at Eastern, but she doesn't know if it's the Eastern she's looking for.
...how many Easterns do you think there are?!
A few minutes later...surprise! She calls YET AGAIN. Now she's turn onto our road but doesn't see us. Well yes, that's because we're a mile down the road, idiot. Like I JUST TOLD YOU.
Then I get a call from the hotel down the street. She's at THAT hotel, and she's pissed off I gave her wrong directions.
This is despite the fact that our hotels are literally two fucking blocks from each other.
So she leaves the hotel that is clearly within sight of us and finally manages to find her way here. As I'm checking her in, she says "You know, you should really learn to listen more carefully."
...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHEKWFJIOWEVMWEYFOISMHURDLEDURDLEDUR!!! !!11!!1!
Porkchop Sandwiches!
If your first thought upon reading the above was "OH SHIT! GET THE FUCK OUT!", congratulations, you are awesome.
Anyway, someone wants to know where to find a good place to eat. But not just any place to eat. Somewhere that sells...porkchop sandwiches. Barely resisting the urge to yell out "You not cooking!", I inform him I really have no idea.
"Oh man, I could really use a porkchop sandwich, know what I mean?"
No, I've never been at a hotel and suddenly thought "oh god I need a porkchop sandwich right now."
G.I. Joooeeee....
...Is he dead?
Guy stumbles into our hotel last week and says he's waiting for someone to pick him up, and he'd like to just wait on our couch. Okay, no problem, happens sometimes. I can see only the edge of the couch from where I sit, but if someone is sitting on the couch I can see the top of their heads.
The guy sits down, I head to the back office to do some paperwork stuff, and when I come out a few minutes later, I don't see any head poking above the TV stand. So I assume he left.
A few hours later, as I'm getting ready to make coffee, I pass by the couch...and the guy is asleep on it. Great, another one of THESE people. Damn drunks.
I try to wake him up. And try. And try. Gently at first, about a dozen "sir?", getting louder as he doesn't respond. I'm trying to avoid touching the guy, because I've had a drunk swing at me as he woke up. I'd rather that not happen.
So I get a little louder. "HEY. WAKE UP."
Still nothing.
So I brace myself and push his shoulder a little. No response.
Push harder. No response.
By now I'm shaking the damn guy and yelling in his ear. "SIR, WAKE UP. COME ON, YOU CAN'T SLEEP HERE."
By now I'm seriously wondering if this guy is in a coma. Or dead.
So I call the paramedics, and they show up a five minutes later. Four of them, and a stretcher. They inform me that, yes, he's still alive (I knew he was alive, but he's as responsive as a corpse), and I watch them wake him up. They try touching his shoulder and saying "Wake up". When that doesn't work, they get a little more forceful.
One of the paramedics kicks the guy in the legs, and the guy next to him yells "HEY, WAKE UP!!"
The guy finally jerks awake, and I hear the following conversation:
Paramedics: "Hey, you alright? What are you doing here?"
Drunk Guy: "I was, uhh, waiting for.............a ride."
PM: "Yeah, from who?"
DG: ".......uhhh...my friend."
PM: "What's his name?"
DG: "............"
PM: "What's his phone number?"
DG: "..........."
PM: "Do you know where you are right now?"
DG: ".............."
PM: "You're at the Hampton Inn. You have a few drinks tonight, buddy?"
DG: "What? Uhh...yeah, a few."
PM: "What's your name?"
DG: "....Mark. Mike. Michael. Steve. STEVE. Eric."
PM, while other paramedics are trying to stifle laughter: "Okay, well you need to listen to me, Mark Mike Michael Steve Steve Eric. Okay?"
DG: "uhhhhh yeah"
PM: "Do you know what day it is?"
DG: "......"
PM: "Do you know what MONTH it is?"
DG: "December."
*more laughter*
PM: "It's June. How about the year?"
DG: "Two thousand.......................................... ...........nine."
PM: "Well at least you know that much. See? We're making progress here."
DG: "Can I go back to sleep?"
PM: "No, you can't. You need to get out of this hotel. We were called because someone tried to wake you for twenty minutes and you were non-responsive. That's usually a bad thing."
DG: "Uh huh."
PM: "Do you have someone you can call?"
DG: "Yeah...yeah I can call. I have a cell phone you know."
PM: "Great. Call someone and get out of here."
DG: "Yeah, okay, fine."
The PMs leave, and the guy calls someone to pick him up. As he's walking out the door, he look at me and says "Did you call the cops on me?"
I told him I called the paramedics, because I was worried about his health, and wanted to make sure he was okay."
He replies with "Fuckin' idiot" and walks out.
Someone should lock him up in a room. A room...with a moose!
Kudos to anyone who gets the reference
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