Selections from the Tard Files (long, occasionally gross, language)

[Spider Jerusalem]

Here's a few that happened a few months ago. I copied them from my journal, figuring, why not share the misery with a wider audience?

No. Just...no.

One day, a girl brought in a roll and...well, several of the pictures were of people humping it out...and the thing that always gets me about these kinds of pictures is that there's always a third person involved--the one taking the pictures.

Add to that the fact that most of the humpy pictures I've seen either look like a guy banging a bag of antlers or two bags of wet laundry slapping together...


Also on the same roll were nine or ten pictures of two huge pigs fucking. Pics taken from all sorts of different angles. Make of that what you will. O_o

Self-explanatory

Question from a customer holding a pack of rechargeable AA batteries: "This says 'charge before using.' Does that mean I have to charge them?"



JUST LIKE ME!!!

One afternoon in October, a coworker and I were putting some new cameras into the glass case under the camera bar, when suddenly there was this shriek coming from behind me.

"DUDE!!! You're bald, just like ME!!!!"

I wasn't really paying attention to what was going on around me--I've found that, very often, the only way I can get through the day is to detach myself as much as possible from the mouth-breathing tool-users I'm surrounded by in that shithole--so it took a few seconds to really sink in. Then I turned my head slowly, frowning, and found some fucking mutation in a blue tie-dyed shirt staring at me with a rapturous grin.

He kept staring and grinning, and started babbling something about finding a lot of bald guys around here, "just like me!!!" Then he giggled like a little girl. O_o

Okay, fine, there's a lot of bald guys in this town. But none of us are like you, you weird little fucker.

I just gave him a "WTF?" look, then went back to work, tensing up because I had no idea what this humanoid might do. I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd walked over to me and started humping my leg. But according to my coworkers, he turned and shambled off, walking like Igor.

The department manager made it from the display case to the counter before she started laughing so hard that she couldn't even stand up. Everyone else busted a gut. Me? All I could do was shake my head and say, "What the fuck was that all about?"

"Probably the result of a lifetime of drug abuse," the manager said once she'd regained control of herself.

Yeah, drugs...and inbreeding...and rampant and unabated stupidity being passed from one generation to the next, growing ever stronger instead of diluting down through the ages.

Um, there's a time and a place...

I hadn't noticed this guy until one of the people from electronics came over and pointed him out to me. There was a guy walking around near the camera bar wearing a long shirt that reached below his crotch, hiding it all from sight. And he had one arm inside the shirt.

And his arm and hand were making very...suspicious motions.

Up and down motions.

Pumping motions.

Yes, this guy was walking through the store, masturbating right in front of everyone.





Spellers

One last thing. This is one of my biggest pet peeves. The Spellers--customers who drop off film for the one-hour service and, when we're filling out the envelopes, they spell their names. I don't mind this when the person's name is genuinely difficult to spell--but 99% of the time, the names are short and easy to spell.

Me: "Okay, your last name?"
Dickhead: "Young--Y-O-U-N-G."
You think I don't know how to spell "young," you asshole?
Me: "*sigh* And your first name?"
Dickhead: "Gene--G-E-N-E."
Oh, really? Well, E-A-T-M-E!

One day a guy spelled "Ken" for me. I was pretty much fed up at that point, so I said, "Gee, I never would've guessed."

He looked down his nose at me and said, "Probably not."

I hope you fall into a vat of AIDS and crack your skull open.

Others names that people spell for us, as if we never advanced farther than third grade...

Diane
Hall
Bill
Don
Holly
Bob
Ed

Yes, there was even someone who spelled "Ed" for me. He actually said, "Ed--E-D!" You have no idea how close I was to saying, "Oh, guess what? FUCK YOU!"

Seriously. Just because I work behind a counter, you think I can't figure out how to spell "Ed"? If your name is Blon Fel-Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen, I might need help spelling it. But Ed?

[BookstoreEscapee]

Seriously. Just because I work behind a counter, you think I can't figure out how to spell "Ed"? If your name is Blon Fel-Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen, I might need help spelling it. But Ed?

And those are the ones who just say their name and look at you expectantly.

[Aislin]

or the people who you ask and they spell it 90 miles an hour with a lovely incomprehensible accent. C as in Cebra or V as in Voy, or B as in Bictor.

[Legal Eagle]

My last name isn't difficult to spell but it sounds very similar to 3 other common last names, so to avoid confusion i spell it as well, is that considered sucky?

[TonyDonuts]

Seriously. Just because I work behind a counter, you think I can't figure out how to spell "Ed"? If your name is Blon Fel-Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen, I might need help spelling it. But Ed?

That's the First of Two Laws Governing Retail Workers that many of the Great Unwashed believe in.

One: All retail workers are stupid. Stick, stone, bred in the bone stupid. Can't make change, and certainly can't spell exotic names like "Ken" or "Smith." Retail workers barely have a basic awareness of sound and light, and therefore must be led by the hand to keep them from peeing on themselves.

Which is very hard to reconcile with Law Number...

Two: The person behind the counter is the All-Being--Master of Time, Space and Dimension*, and therefore capable of fulfilling all my desires. He or she is perfectly capable of making anything I want appear, maybe from the wondrous Back Room, anytime I want. I have but to ask.

No, I have no idea how one could hold, and truly, deeply, believe these two laws at the same time, but then, I'm just a humble retail manager. I must not be very smart.
__________________________________
*"All Being" stolen from Steve Martin.

[EricKei]

No. Just...no.

Can't you report them to the cops, or at least to corporate, for this? >_> Maybe they'll let you refuse the sale, or, better yet, give them back prints of ONLY the non- stuff...

Yeah, drugs...and inbreeding...and rampant and unabated stupidity being passed from one generation to the next, growing ever stronger instead of diluting down through the ages.

Stupidity is Dominant, just as Common Sense is Recessive...

-----------

I can kinda sorta understand that on Gene/Jean/Jeanne or another name like that that has many homophones. I've met male Jean's and female Gene's before. On the others...no, not so much. No need for them to be dicks about it, tho.

[taurinejunkie]

On the spelling thing, it's funny how directory assistance customers are almost the exact opposite.

Me: Would you please spell the last name?
SC: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WENT TO SCHOOL YOU SHOULD F***ING KNOW HOW TO SPELL! (Bonus points for: ...GET ME YOUR SUPERVISOR!)
Me: The spelling of last names is not something that is taught in schools. I'm sorry but unless you can spell the name for me I will not be able to search.

[BlaqueKatt]

and this is one of many reason I hate my name-oh it's common(both my first name, and hyphenated last names are common words)but not a common spelling-my name gets misspelled constantly-even AFTER I tell someone the correct spelling.

I always get-firstname+e(which is not there)
or lastname+s(which is not there-or different letter in the middle)

[Peppergirl]

Good Lord, I wanna at the the guy jacking off as he walked around.

I have to ask, was he thrown out?

[marlovino]

On the ed guy, you should of said this (if you could of gotten away with it)

"Ed huh, so that's your middle name? Because your first name has got to be 'Special'."

[LadyAndreca]

I have a not-uncommon name with one of the most common spellings, but I always spell it when it's being entered to a form because there's sixteen spellings that I'm aware of (if you count the obscure Irish and Gaelic ones). Some variation of the name occurs in nearly every language I've checked, including Japanese and Aborigine.

I don't bother if it doesn't matter, like at the local Panera where they just want a name to call out for an order. I like seeing which spelling people default to.

[BookstoreEscapee]

I have but to ask.

Some of them don't think they should even have to do that...

[Teskeria]

Diane/Dianne makes sense, as does Gene (since more people use the French Jean for males lately). when they spell obvious names for me, I hit them with 'Wow! You're lucky! Your parents chose the easy spelling.' (irritates them no end, but gives them nothing to complain about).

I also like to pull the is that with an I or Y & is there an e on the end for smith/smyth/smythe
and other fun questions, that irritate them because you know the tricks, and they have no room to complain (although we know they answer with their patented 'you should know this even though I've never seen you before' tone)

[Shironu-Akaineko]

Mine is common with the common spelling, but people always get it horribly, horribly wrong... And I look like a snob when I correct them.
Sometimes they'll change it to a different name altogether.

Once I ended up with men's size 7 shoes because I sent my name out spelled correctly in bold, clear letters and it came back as a boy's name. No idea what happened.

[Chanlin]

If your name is Blon Fel-Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen,

And if you have this name and seem to be a bit gassy I think spelling your name is the least of my concerns