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...some of the callers I got this week were really special. The blinds one baffles me even now.
Blinded by Science
Tenant calls the property emergency line to request assistence with her window. The issue? She doesn't know how to close her blinds. You heard that right. She's calling at 1am because she can't figure out to close her blinds. Not only can she not close them but she reveals that she has injured herself several times already trying to close them. I inform her that there is tragically nothing I can do for her. In fact I'm afraid if I offer a suggestion she may manage to kill herself off attempting it.
She's worried that "People will see her". Oh noez! Turn the light off and go to bed. Maybe come sun up you can solve the riddle of your blinds. Although I doubt it. If you're having trouble figuring out blinds the future looks pretty dim. Or at least it would if you could close the blinds! ( Insert rimshot. )
Area Codes
Me: "The number is 877-xxx-xxxx"
SC: "…..is that a 604?" ( 604 being our local area code )
I suppose you could try adding 604 to the front of that if you want. However, I believe "60" is the country code for Malaysia. Still, don't let me stop you. I'm sure they'd love to hear from you.
Not really, no.
SC: "You guys are still open?"
No, I mainly answer the line at 3am just for fun. Now if you'll excuse me, your ill-timed call rudely interrupted my other rivetting nightly entertainment: Watching white-out dry. In another hour or two I'll move up to huffing white-out. Call back then, I'm pretty sure I'll be much more helpful.
Lottery Tickets
SC: "Are the 4 packs of tickets randomly selected or consecutive?"
Actually what we do is we take all the tickets, brush them all with different brands of nail polish, then when we call your name out on the list one of our staff releases a monkey into the room. Whichever 4 tickets the monkey licks first are the tickets you receive. So the ultimate path of your destiny is in fact determined by monkey spit.
A Momentary Lapse
I messed my trains of thought up and inadvertantly asked a caller "and how many credit cards will you be using?" rather then "How many tickets did you want?". However, the caller, thinking this a standard question, immediately answered "Just one, please".
Touche.
New Hires
( Previous customers can give us an ID from their last purchase the lets us bring up all their info automatically. )
After placing the guy's entire order…
SC: "Oh, I think I found the customer ID number."
Me: "That’s alright, I've already put your order through so we don't need it."
SC: "Yep! I found it!"
Me: "Its ok, I don't need it anymore."
SC: "Here it is, its 148-"
Me: "I don't need the customer ID number anymore, I've already put your order through."
SC: "Oh, ok"
Can we buy something for the office that I can choke? You know, just something I can periodically get up and throttle for a minute or so. Heck, can we hire someone I can choke? He could just stand in the corner and recite witty customer lines on cue like "I was usin' one of yall's macheens~!" or "I waz on teh interweb and got yer number" then we could grab him and throttle him for a bit. Not too hard mind you. Just until he passed out. We'd have to keep some smelling salts or something around though...
Um, wtf?
( A roofing company... )
SC: "I called twice yesterday."
Me: "..alright, what can I do for you?"
SC: "Well I'm calling again."
Me: "You said you called twice yesterday?"
SC: "Yes, and I'm calling again because I'm EAGER."
Whoa, calm down there, skippy. It’s a roof not a cure for cancer. Although from the tone of voice you're using it sounds like you're thinking of using our product for something…...entirely…...different. I'm no expert but I'm pretty confident that’s not what roofing tile is for.
If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spend that year in college
Skytrain Tales: White People Shouldn't Rap:
A group of 4 gets on the Skytrain. I'm too busy ignoring the rest of humanity to pay them much notice….until one of them starts rapping ( Oh lord help me ). Luckily his friend voices my thoughts about how awful he is….but that triggers a conversation so odd it hurts my brain even now:
"Dude stop, that’s AWFUL."
"I'm freestylin' man!"
"You sound like the brick wall in my parent's basement."
"Oh dude, I remember your parents basement. It had that pole."
"The carpetted pole!"
"Yeah! The one with the carpet on it, that thing was like: AWWWW YEAH."
( He then proceeds to rub his arse up against the Skytrain pole. )
What? But…wha….what does any of that even mean? Brick wall? Carpetted pole? Buttrubbing? ><
Accents
If your accent makes the word "like" sound like "lick" you probably shouldn't use similes such as "B like Boy". Because I heard something entirely different and momentarily knew the fear an altar boy feels.
Cellphone Kiosks
The problem? He didn't know how to use the machine ( Yet oddly, this did not deter him ) and ended up losing his money. Why? Because he crammed money into the machine before inputting his info or telling it what bill he wanted to pay. The crisis? He needed to pay his cell phone bill right this moment or else it would be cut off.
The flaw in his otherwise damn fine plan? His bill was due last *Thursday.* ( Its currently Sunday morning )
Bonus points for opening the call with the classic: "I wuz usin one of y'alls macheens".
Cellphone Kiosks #2
SC: "Hey can you trace a payment for me?"
Me: "I'm sorry, I can't trace a payment for you afterhours. You'll have to call during business hours, I'm only technical support."
SC: "What are you there for then?"
Me: "Tech support. If a machine is having difficulties or breaks down for instance."
SC: "It IS broken down! They're all broken down! Every machine in the city!"
Me: "....ok."
SC: "...."
Me: "Is there something else I can help you with?"
SC: "Yeah, uh...."
( Dead silence for 20 seconds or so. )
Me: "Is there something I can help you with?"
SC: "Uhh....no."
Me: "...."
SC: "...."
Me: "Ok then."
SC: "Ok"
( click. )
Those kiosks are like some sort of moron litmus test, I swear.
No dammit, NO! Bad dog!
SC: "Is this a taxi?"
Me: "No, sorry, you have the wrong number."
SC: "No?"
Me: "No."
SC: "No?"
Me: "*No*"
SC: "No taxi?"
Me: "No, its not!"
SC: "Oh, sorry."
Please see my previous request for an employee to choke periodically throughout my shift. I feel this would greatly increase my productivity and customer service level.
Ahhh, customer service....<twitch>
Blinded by Science
Tenant calls the property emergency line to request assistence with her window. The issue? She doesn't know how to close her blinds. You heard that right. She's calling at 1am because she can't figure out to close her blinds. Not only can she not close them but she reveals that she has injured herself several times already trying to close them. I inform her that there is tragically nothing I can do for her. In fact I'm afraid if I offer a suggestion she may manage to kill herself off attempting it.
She's worried that "People will see her". Oh noez! Turn the light off and go to bed. Maybe come sun up you can solve the riddle of your blinds. Although I doubt it. If you're having trouble figuring out blinds the future looks pretty dim. Or at least it would if you could close the blinds! ( Insert rimshot. )
Area Codes
Me: "The number is 877-xxx-xxxx"
SC: "…..is that a 604?" ( 604 being our local area code )
I suppose you could try adding 604 to the front of that if you want. However, I believe "60" is the country code for Malaysia. Still, don't let me stop you. I'm sure they'd love to hear from you.
Not really, no.
SC: "You guys are still open?"
No, I mainly answer the line at 3am just for fun. Now if you'll excuse me, your ill-timed call rudely interrupted my other rivetting nightly entertainment: Watching white-out dry. In another hour or two I'll move up to huffing white-out. Call back then, I'm pretty sure I'll be much more helpful.
Lottery Tickets
SC: "Are the 4 packs of tickets randomly selected or consecutive?"
Actually what we do is we take all the tickets, brush them all with different brands of nail polish, then when we call your name out on the list one of our staff releases a monkey into the room. Whichever 4 tickets the monkey licks first are the tickets you receive. So the ultimate path of your destiny is in fact determined by monkey spit.
A Momentary Lapse
I messed my trains of thought up and inadvertantly asked a caller "and how many credit cards will you be using?" rather then "How many tickets did you want?". However, the caller, thinking this a standard question, immediately answered "Just one, please".
Touche.
New Hires
( Previous customers can give us an ID from their last purchase the lets us bring up all their info automatically. )
After placing the guy's entire order…
SC: "Oh, I think I found the customer ID number."
Me: "That’s alright, I've already put your order through so we don't need it."
SC: "Yep! I found it!"
Me: "Its ok, I don't need it anymore."
SC: "Here it is, its 148-"
Me: "I don't need the customer ID number anymore, I've already put your order through."
SC: "Oh, ok"
Can we buy something for the office that I can choke? You know, just something I can periodically get up and throttle for a minute or so. Heck, can we hire someone I can choke? He could just stand in the corner and recite witty customer lines on cue like "I was usin' one of yall's macheens~!" or "I waz on teh interweb and got yer number" then we could grab him and throttle him for a bit. Not too hard mind you. Just until he passed out. We'd have to keep some smelling salts or something around though...
Um, wtf?
( A roofing company... )
SC: "I called twice yesterday."
Me: "..alright, what can I do for you?"
SC: "Well I'm calling again."
Me: "You said you called twice yesterday?"
SC: "Yes, and I'm calling again because I'm EAGER."
Whoa, calm down there, skippy. It’s a roof not a cure for cancer. Although from the tone of voice you're using it sounds like you're thinking of using our product for something…...entirely…...different. I'm no expert but I'm pretty confident that’s not what roofing tile is for.
If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spend that year in college
Skytrain Tales: White People Shouldn't Rap:
A group of 4 gets on the Skytrain. I'm too busy ignoring the rest of humanity to pay them much notice….until one of them starts rapping ( Oh lord help me ). Luckily his friend voices my thoughts about how awful he is….but that triggers a conversation so odd it hurts my brain even now:
"Dude stop, that’s AWFUL."
"I'm freestylin' man!"
"You sound like the brick wall in my parent's basement."
"Oh dude, I remember your parents basement. It had that pole."
"The carpetted pole!"
"Yeah! The one with the carpet on it, that thing was like: AWWWW YEAH."
( He then proceeds to rub his arse up against the Skytrain pole. )
What? But…wha….what does any of that even mean? Brick wall? Carpetted pole? Buttrubbing? ><
Accents
If your accent makes the word "like" sound like "lick" you probably shouldn't use similes such as "B like Boy". Because I heard something entirely different and momentarily knew the fear an altar boy feels.
Cellphone Kiosks
The problem? He didn't know how to use the machine ( Yet oddly, this did not deter him ) and ended up losing his money. Why? Because he crammed money into the machine before inputting his info or telling it what bill he wanted to pay. The crisis? He needed to pay his cell phone bill right this moment or else it would be cut off.
The flaw in his otherwise damn fine plan? His bill was due last *Thursday.* ( Its currently Sunday morning )
Bonus points for opening the call with the classic: "I wuz usin one of y'alls macheens".
Cellphone Kiosks #2
SC: "Hey can you trace a payment for me?"
Me: "I'm sorry, I can't trace a payment for you afterhours. You'll have to call during business hours, I'm only technical support."
SC: "What are you there for then?"
Me: "Tech support. If a machine is having difficulties or breaks down for instance."
SC: "It IS broken down! They're all broken down! Every machine in the city!"
Me: "....ok."
SC: "...."
Me: "Is there something else I can help you with?"
SC: "Yeah, uh...."
( Dead silence for 20 seconds or so. )
Me: "Is there something I can help you with?"
SC: "Uhh....no."
Me: "...."
SC: "...."
Me: "Ok then."
SC: "Ok"
( click. )
Those kiosks are like some sort of moron litmus test, I swear.
No dammit, NO! Bad dog!
SC: "Is this a taxi?"
Me: "No, sorry, you have the wrong number."
SC: "No?"
Me: "No."
SC: "No?"
Me: "*No*"
SC: "No taxi?"
Me: "No, its not!"
SC: "Oh, sorry."
Please see my previous request for an employee to choke periodically throughout my shift. I feel this would greatly increase my productivity and customer service level.
Ahhh, customer service....<twitch>
When will I learn to curtail my Pepsi intake while on this site?
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