Because it's *illegal*...

[Fera Festiva]

What is it with SCs not understanding that if something is illegal, I can't help them with it? This morning I had this problem twice and it's left me violently -ing.

First one: I'm about to go off with the shelving trolley when two girls snare me by the photocopier. "Can you help us?" they whine.

"Sure," I say. "What's the problem?"

"It won't copy!" they whine again. They lift the lid of the photocopier and it becomes clear why it won't work - they are attempting to copy a load of banknotes. (Not the first time this has happened, either.)

"Sorry, but I can't help you with this," I explain. "It's illegal to photocopy money."

"But our teacher said we had to!"

"Oh! I'm terribly sorry! If you teacher said you had to then it must be OK! I'll just change the law - one moment - " *Snaps fingers* " - there we go! Go right ahead!"

I didn't actually say that, of course. I said, "it's still illegal," for what would turn out to be the first of many times today.

"But we need them for our project!"

"It's still illegal."

"But our teacher said we have to!"

"It's still illegal. I could lose my job if I show you how to do this."

"But someone else in our class did it!"

"It's still illegal. You could be prosecuted. I could be prosecuted."

"But we neeeeeeeeeed them!"



Later, I'm sitting at the desk and one of my co-workers brings me a student who needs first aid. So I ask her what's up...

"My gums hurt."

*Sigh* I explain to her that all I can do is advise her to take some painkillers and see an emergency dentist if it doesn't get better.

"So you can't make it better?"

"No, I can advise you to see a dentist, or to take some painkillers." (Side note: I really don't get this. Almost every first aid call I get involves, at some point, the "casualty" asking me if I can somehow heal them. If I could, do you really think I'd be working as a library assistant for crap money? Of course not, I'd be working as a doctor or a paramedic or whatever. But I digress.)

"Can you give me some painkillers?" the student moans.

"No, I can't. I can advise you to take some if you have any, or I can advise you to go to the chemist across the road and buy some, but I can't give you them. I'm not allowed to - it's illegal for me to supply you with medication."

"...But why can't you give me some painkillers?" (Er... for the reasons I just said?)

"Because I'm not allowed to. We don't have any painkillers to give out. You can buy some but I could lose my job if I give you any."

You can probably work out for yourselves roughly how the rest of this conversation went.

[terana]

You know what I get this all the time as well. I work OTC at Walmart and I swear they always ask me what they should take. I could lose my job and end up in jail or sued for giving out medical advise, yet they never seem to understand that. They just assume because I work the OTC part of the pharmacy I can give out medical advise.

[Lehk]

in the US it is legal to copy money as long as you blow it up to, iirc 150% or shrink it to 50% size and only print single sided.

[wagegoth]

"No, I can advise you to see a dentist, or to take some painkillers." (Side note: I really don't get this. Almost every first aid call I get involves, at some point, the "casualty" asking me if I can somehow heal them. If I could, do you really think I'd be working as a library assistant for crap money? Of course not, I'd be working as a doctor or a paramedic or whatever. But I digress.)

They're used to having Mommy kiss it and make it all better.

[Crosshair]

I love it when some Joe thinks they know more than me about gun laws in the US. I really wish people would listen to me when I tell them that something is illegal. Even better are the ones who refuse to believe me when I tell them something is illegal. The conversation below actualy happened one day at work.

*Regular conversation with customer about guns and then he tells me this.*
SC: Yea, I bought one of those Mossbergs and sawed the barrel down flush with the mag tube. Works great on skunks.
Me: *Looking at Mossberg shotgun in display case and notes that having the barrel "sawed down flush with the mag tube" would result in a shotgun with a 14" barrel.* Um, you WHERE carefull to keep the barrel at least 18", right?
SC: Naw, that 18" thing only applies to bird hunting.
Me: *Looking around to see who is listening* No, that applies to ALL shotguns. Having an unregisterd SBS (Short barrel shotgun) is a Felony and 10 years in prison. I would take the barrel off, destroy it, and go out and buy a factory 18" barrel.
SC: No, your wrong. I got it out in my truck right now under the seat and I use it on skunks and foxes all the time on my farm up near Roseau.

OK, not only has this guy admited to currently being in possession of an unregistered SBS, he has also taken it across state lines. (Roseau is in MN, we are in ND.) Now I am REALLY trying to: A) get him to STFU about the gun. B) get him to destroy the barrel. C) convince him that what he has done is actulay illegal. No matter what I tell him, he refuses to believe what I say. I have not heard anything in the news so I assume that he still has that gun under the seat in his truck. Sad thing it is, it costs only $200, some paperwork, and a few months wait to own a SBS legaly.

Fortunatly, most people have an open mind and listen to me when they ask me something involving the gun laws.

GC = Good customer

GC: Hey, do you know what the deal is with the minimum length of a shotgun barrel? Is it measured from the rear of the barrel to the front (muzzle) of it? Mine has a 28" barrel and I want to shorten it in my friends shop. Is that legal?
Me: Yes you can shorten the barrel yourself. As for the length, they measure it from the breech face when the gun is in battery to the muzzle using a dowel put down the barrel. You HAVE to keep it AT LEAST 18" If it is 1/10" too short, it's a felony. Most people cut the barrel to 18.5" or 19" just so they are sure that they are safe.
GC: What about choke tubes?
Me: Choke tubes don't count to the length, you have to measure it without them.
GC: *Looking worried* What happens if I screw up and cut it too short?
Me: Cut up the breech end into several pieces so there is no possible way the barrel will fit or function in the gun, get rid of the pieces, then don't tell anyone. That is why most people cut the barrel to 18.5" or 19", so you don't have to deal with that possibility.
GC: OK, thanks. You really helped me alot. I was only gona shorten it to about 20" since i'm gona put an extended mag on it.

Fortunately, most customers are like the second one and not the first.

[ArenaBoy]

I've had various SCs try and explain traffic laws to me at the arena despite the fact that they are pure idiots about it. During the playoffs of my first year, I witnessed a guy in a H2 hummer drive over a traffic island with those trees on it. The hummer pretty much went from the other side of the aisle and got about 5 feet of air, nearly causing an accident. This took place at the chains like always and the only reason we don't let anyone through them is that they can cause accidents and huge back-ups.

EDIT: Keep in mind, these are the same people who would also say "I know the law."

[Giggle Goose]

"But we need them for our project!"

"It's still illegal."

"But our teacher said we have to!"

"It's still illegal. I could lose my job if I show you how to do this."

"But someone else in our class did it!"

"It's still illegal. You could be prosecuted. I could be prosecuted."

So their teacher doesn't know the law? "OK kids, next I want you to bring a gun in for show and tell!!!"

[lordlundar]

*Sigh* working in the game and software area of my store leads me to some very Gord moments. Usually "Where can I download this game for free?" (one we have on the shelf) or "How can I remove the protection on (games/CDs/commercial DVD's)?"

So tempted to say "look up your *** and around the corner."

One guy even told me "There is software that will allow you to remove the encryption, so how do we do it?" My Reply was "I'm aware there is software available, but it is not here for legal reasons, and I never used it so I have no idea how it works, as I said before."

[AFpheonix]

Heh. I have a lot of people that want me to do things that could get me and/or the pharmacy fined, make me lose my license and/or get me fired. The most common one is people who don't want to wait to get their script, and want to call in their thing ahead of time so we can have it ready. For starters, I can barely read your doctor's chickenscratch handwriting. How on earth are you going to be able to tell me over the phone what he wrote down? Number 2, only doctors' offices can phone/fax in new scripts, not the patient. Number 3, me going ahead and doing it anyways constitutes filling without a prescription, and if we happened to get audited by the board of pharmacy while I'm doing that, I could get in deep doo doo. Nope, lazy ass, bring it in. I'm sorry that is inconvenient. I can guarantee you that not having a source of income anymore would be much more inconvenient for me.

The next ones are the brainiacs that want me to fill their prescription for them now, before insurance will pay for it again, but go ahead and back bill when the proper refill date rolls around and issue a refund. Um no, that's a little thing we like to call insurance fraud. Also bad juju. One gentleman tried it on EVERY single staff member, even after I called him on it and TOLD him point blank that what he was asking me to do was fraudulent. He proceeded to complain to a manager that I shouldn't call his behavior fraudulent, that he's not a liar. The EXA listened politely, looked at me and shrugged. Whatevah.

The next most common isn't necessarily illegal per se, but if it led to someone OD'ing and dying, we'd be in trouble. This would be the people who can't seem to not take all their controlled meds well before it's time to fill again. Then they get all mad when I won't just cash out the script and sell it, because I want to check with the doctor first to make sure that they know that their patient is going through that much that fast. One, if the current pain relief regimen clearly isn't cutting it, the doctor should know, and have it adjusted accordingly. Two, these things are addictive. This gets me hollered at A LOT. I have so many wonderful people who can handle filling these things when they're supposed to, but there's always the dimwits who throw fits.
Related are the poopheads who are on pain contracts who want me to assist in breaking the terms of said contract, like filling a narcotic that they got from another doctor, or trying to get their weekly fill a few days early or whatever, and then get all peeved if I insist on checking with the doctor they're contracted with. Look brainiac, if you'd behaved yourself in the first place, you wouldn't be on contract in the first place! I'm looking out for your best interests so this doctor doesn't get peeved and cut you off!
And then there's the ones who neglected to get their script in to get refilled in time, so it's out of fills and the patient's out of pills. Now, if it's a maintenance med, I'm more than happy to lend a few days' supply to get them by. Heck, in several cases of diabetics needing emergency supplies, we'll authorize a fill for them. (it's within a pharmacist's perogative to do so) Unfortunately, if it's controlled or in a package that I can't break up, then you're SOL. Please....call in BEFORE you take the last one..... I can't just give you a new fill, even if you take this every day and have done so for forever, heck, I'm not even required to do a few days' loan. We do that because we're nice. Anything more, and that's filling a prescription med without a prescription, and that's bad juju. Go to the ER.

[surlykate]

I work in a veterinary emergency clinic and routinely get people who are pissed at me that I can't diagnose and prescribe medications for animals over the telephone. "Oh, you just want my money," they say, completely missing the point that it is unethical and illegal.

On Thursday (i.e., Thanksgiving), we got a call about 3:15 am (I work overnights and holidays) from this woman with a sick cat.

Me: Veterinary Emergency Services, this is Kate, how may I help you?
SC: Yes, I want some medication to make my cat go to sleep.
Me: I'm sorry, we can't advise medications to give over the phone. What is going on with your cat?
SC: (annoyed) I've spent over $700 at your clinic and my cat is dying and why can't you just sell me some medication! I'm not going to bring him in! I have 7 people over here for Thanksgiving!
Me: Ma'am, without seeing the cat we cannot recommend--
SC: You've already seen the cat! I was there already! [2 weeks ago] I'll pay for the vet's time, if it's money you're after!
Me: Well, the veterinarian on duty tonight hasn't seen your cat, so she cannot--
SC: YOU AREN'T EVEN ASKING HER! (more ranting)

So I take her information and ask the vet to call her back. Turns out she wanted us to sell her euthanasia solution over the counter so she could kill her own cat. Euthanasia solution is a barbituate and highly regulated (federally) medication that cannot leave the premises, every 0.1ml must be accounted for, we will lose our license if we violate regulations, etc. Explaining this wasn't good enough.

She also stated, in the middle of all this, that she didn't believe in euthanasia, which is why she didn't want to bring the cat in. Yet she would "make the cat go to sleep" herself.

Inevitably, she hung up after yelling, "HAPPY FUCKING THANKSGIVING TO YOU!" Ah yes.

Kate

[Becks]

"I'm not going to jail for YOU or ANYBODY!!!"

[CrazedClerk]

*Sigh* working in the game and software area of my store leads me to some very Gord moments. Usually "Where can I download this game for free?" (one we have on the shelf) or "How can I remove the protection on (games/CDs/commercial DVD's)?"

So tempted to say "look up your *** and around the corner."

One guy even told me "There is software that will allow you to remove the encryption, so how do we do it?" My Reply was "I'm aware there is software available, but it is not here for legal reasons, and I never used it so I have no idea how it works, as I said before."

I get this too, all the time:

"Do you guys MOD systems here?" (Ok for non-tech people, modding a video game system means going inside the console and installing a chip inside that will allow it to play non-licensed games, the kind you download illegally).

And that guy looked stunned when I told him no, then politely asked if I knew somewhere that did. ("Yeah there's this guy in a big trenchcoat on the corner out there....")

SC: "Can I bring this expansion pack back if it doesn't work?"
Me: "Do you have the original game?"
SC: "Yes"
Me: "Then why wouldn't it work?"
SC: "Well I have a downloaded version of the original."

Arrrrgh.

SC: "Is it possible to rig up my Xbox to play games that I download?"
Me: "Yes, but that's as much as I'm saying."
SC: (Dumbfounded) "You you mean won't tell me how to do it?"
Me: "That's correct, I usually don't assist people in breaking the law and I doubt my boss would appreciate it either."

And I've also had underage kids try to get me to sell them an M-rated game, which can get me fired as well as get our store in trouble. One particularly saavy teen offered me a crisp $5 bill if I did the favor for them.

I tell you bribes just aren't as lucrative these days.

[Jester]

At my various jobs, I have been asked:

--to serve drinks to people who don't have their ID with them.
--to serve drinks to people who are underage.
--to serve drinks to people's children who were underage, since they were "with their parents."
--where people can get marijuana.
--where people can get cocaine.
--where people can get ecstasy.
--where people can get crack.
--where people can get hookers.

Why would I break the law and risk my neck and my job?
Why would I assist you in breaking the law and, in the process, become an accessory and again risk my neck and my job?
Especially when you are a complete stranger to me?

And the amazing part to me is that people are genuinely shocked when I won't break the law for them. "But how come you won't serve me?" A perfect example of this is the guy who ordered a drink from me the other day. He wasn't an SC, but it was still a dumb situation.
DUDE: "Can I have a Budweiser please?"
JESTER: "Sure. May I see some ID."
DUDE: "Actually, I don't have it on me. But I am in here all the time."
JESTER: "In that case, if any of the staff can vouch for you, I have no problem serving you." (This is legal. As long as one of the staff has carded him in the past or can tell me he is definitively of legal age, I can serve him.)
DUDE: (looking around, seeing the staff on duty, almost all of which were people who were there almost every day for the last 900 years) "I don't really recognize anybody. But come on, man. I know you have to do this, but I live here. I work security at Blankety Blank Bar."
JESTER: "Then you should know that once I ask for your ID, if you don't have it, I can't serve you."

Regarding the whole drug thing, why would you ask a complete stranger, in a town that you don't know, how and where to go about breaking the law? How do you know that I am not an off-duty cop? Or that I don't have a brother who is a cop? Or that I am not a police informant? Lord, police really should think about paying bartenders to direct them to the druggies....they would meet their quota and we would make some extra dough. Seems like a no-brainer of a win win, if you ask me.

[Auto]

You know what I get this all the time as well. I work OTC at Walmart and I swear they always ask me what they should take. I could lose my job and end up in jail or sued for giving out medical advise, yet they never seem to understand that. They just assume because I work the OTC part of the pharmacy I can give out medical advise.

Don't sweat it. No one's going to sue you. You're not passing yourself off as a doctor and there's a good samaritan exception that allows people to help others even if the help turns out to do more harm than good.

[Auto]

Regarding the whole drug thing, why would you ask a complete stranger, in a town that you don't know, how and where to go about breaking the law? How do you know that I am not an off-duty cop? Or that I don't have a brother who is a cop? Or that I am not a police informant? Lord, police really should think about paying bartenders to direct them to the druggies....they would meet their quota and we would make some extra dough. Seems like a no-brainer of a win win, if you ask me.

I used to tell anyone who wanted me to sell them booze when they were obviously underage that they were clearly part of an undercover sting operation.

Each time they'd start whining, I'd say, "You're working for the cops, right? You're trying to get me fired and my boss fined, right?"