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i am NOT A LIFEGUARD, lady!

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  • i am NOT A LIFEGUARD, lady!

    this is a story from my cousin B's summer job.

    a little bit of backstory first: she was NOT A LIFEGUARD. her job was to sit at the entrance to the pool at a condominium association. If you wanted to swim in the pool, you had to have a card stating that you were either a resident of the condos, or you paid a membership fee because you lived somewhere else, or that you were an authorised family member of either of the first two. B took these cards, and put them in a box until someone left, then she would dig out their card and give it back. so basically she was the bouncer of the pool. (15 years old, easiest job in the world, and getting minimum wage. and she still complained XD) she was allowed to read the whole shift as long as she did her job as well.

    anyway, one day, this crazy woman comes up to B. (this is all verbatim what my cousin told me, so dialogue may not be exact, but who cares, lady was crazy.)

    SC: Lifeguards aren't allowed to read.
    B: I'm not a lifeguard.
    SC: I went to the association meeting, and they said lifeguards have to watch the children in the pool.
    B: Yes, and they do. I'm not a lifeguard.
    SC: But you're reading! Stop reading!
    B: Mam, I'm NOT A LIFEGUARD.

    SC went over to a real lifeguard.
    SC: That lifeguard is reading, make her stop and watch my children.
    LG: She's not a lifeguard, she's the card person. She doesn't have to watch your kids.
    SC: But lifeguards aren't allowed to reeeeeaaaadddd!

    LG brushes crazy lady off and goes back to her job. SC sees the other on-duty lifeguard *gasp* IN THE POOL, guiding a little boy back to the shallow end because he was beyond his abilities in the deep end. (LG2 is also my cousin, and very sarcastic at that. )

    SC: GET OUT OF THE POOL AND WATCH MY CHILDREN!!!
    LG2: *ignores her*
    SC: HEY! YOU!! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE POOL!
    LG2: *finishes helping the little boy and climbs out* What is your problem?
    SC: You are not supposed to be in the pool! You are supposed to be WATCHING THE CHILDREN!
    LG2: I was watching the children until I saw that boy having trouble, so I HELPED HIM. I GUARDED HIS LIFE. Because I'm a LIFEGUARD.
    SC: BUT I WENT TO THE MEETING AND THEY SAID LIFEGUARDS HAVE TO WATCH THE CHILDREN.
    LG2 walked back to her post.

    SC huffed around the pool area for a bit, before apparently deciding to leave. The only exit is right next to my cousin.
    SC: You still shouldn't be reading. I'm going to tell someone about you!
    B: Whatever.

    This lady had a reputation around the condos for berating everyone else for not being a mother for her. She would sit at the poolside and fall asleep tanning, but you know she'd be the first one to bitch if something happened to her little pweciouses. e_e B told her boss (our aunt) about this lady, just in case she decided to complain, and our aunt went, "Oh, her? Pfft, ignore her if she comes in again."
    verily, i doth be a buckete.

  • #2
    Lifeguards are supposed to WATCH the children. That's it. They have no business actually *doing* something when one of the children is in trouble; they're just supposed to keep watching. Also, anyone who works anywhere near a pool is a lifeguard even if they're not.
    Now the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed.

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    • #3
      LG2: I was watching the children until I saw that boy having trouble, so I HELPED HIM. I GUARDED HIS LIFE. Because I'm a LIFEGUARD.
      SC: BUT I WENT TO THE MEETING AND THEY SAID LIFEGUARDS HAVE TO WATCH THE CHILDREN.
      So they're just supposed to watch them drown, I guess?
      I don't go in for ancient wisdom
      I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious
      It means that they're worthy - Tim Minchin, "White Wine in the Sun"

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      • #4
        That should be an easy fix. Give her phone numbers to the higher ups who supervise the pool on an administrative level. Let her bug them about this until they get fed up and kick her out of the pool permanently.
        Part Angel Part Sadist

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        • #5
          What part of "I'm not a lifeguard" does she not understand? What a dumbass.
          I don't get paid enough to kiss your a**! -Groezig 5/31/08
          Another day...another million braincells lost...-Sarlon 6/16/08
          Chivalry is not dead. It's just direly underappreciated. -Samaliel 9/15/09

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          • #6
            Not only is crazy lady not listening, she's confusing lifeguards for babysitters. Lifeguards are there for the safety of all swimmers, but they aren't babysitters. Heaven forbid this woman do some *gasp* parenting.
            A lion however, will only devour your corpse, whereas an SC is not sated until they have destroyed your soul. (Quote per infinitemonkies)

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            • #7
              Quoth Fleur View Post
              She would sit at the poolside and fall asleep tanning
              I'm trying very hard to not wish rampant melanomas on her (but not having much luck- drat!)
              "What did you have for breakfast this morning? Carnation Instant Bitch?"
              -Eric Foreman That 70's Show

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              • #8
                Not to worry, Stan. I'll do it for you.

                Of course, she's probably the kind who'd get melanoma, and then blame the lifeguards for not waking her up and warning her of the dangers of cancer...

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                • #9
                  Quoth Fleur View Post
                  She would sit at the poolside and fall asleep tanning
                  ...and promptly start shouting at the Lifeguards when she burns because they should have woken her up
                  Lady, people aren't chocolates. D'you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling. Dr Cox - Scrubs

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                  • #10
                    So the SC screams at the ticket person, who may or may not even be able to see the pool for reading when it is allowed because they are not watching the bathers. Then the SC scrams at the lifeguard for helping bathers in need by going in the pool.

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                    • #11
                      Quoth Fleur View Post
                      this is a story from my cousin B's summer job.

                      SC: BUT I WENT TO THE MEETING AND THEY SAID LIFEGUARDS HAVE TO WATCH THE CHILDREN.
                      Oh, well, she went to the Meeting, you know. That means she Knows These Things. Did B or LG2 go to the meeting? Yeah, didn't think so. This lady is obvioulsy more on top of things than your cousins, because she went to the Meeting.

                      Oh, wait! I just remembered, this is the real world and not the product of an insane person's projections of what reality should be. I sometimes get those two mixed up. Yeah, so, never mind. Sorry 'bout that!
                      Each one of us has a special place just like the Evergreen Forest. Enchanting, sparkling, and perfect. And, like the flowers that bloom there... fragile.

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                      • #12
                        Quoth MrsEclipse View Post
                        Oh, wait! I just remembered, this is the real world and not the product of an insane person's projections of what reality should be.
                        ...Are You Sure...?
                        "For a musician, the SNES sound engine is like using Crayola Crayons. Nobuo Uematsu used Crayola Crayons to paint the Sistine Chapel." - Jeremy Jahns (re: "Dancing Mad")
                        "The difference between an amateur and a master is that the master has failed way more times." - JoCat
                        "Thinking is difficult, therefore let the herd pronounce judgment!" ~ Carl Jung
                        "There's burning bridges, and then there's the lake just to fill it with gasoline." - Wiccy, reddit
                        "Retail is a cruel master, and could very well be the most educational time of many people's lives, in its own twisted way." - me
                        "Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down...tell you she's hurtin' 'fore she keens...makes her a home." - Capt. Malcolm Reynolds, "Serenity" (2005)
                        Acts of Gord – Read it, Learn it, Love it!
                        "Our psychic powers only work if the customer has a mind to read." - me

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                        • #13
                          Reality is like good sex: completely consensual.
                          Any day you're looking down at the dirt instead of up at the dirt is a good day.

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                          • #14
                            Lifeguarding was one one my favorite jobs, mostly because I got to yell at adults and explain how deep water kills babies. Hard to argue with me on that one. That and all the swimming made my butt look awesome! *misses whistle*
                            "Next time, Sir Twatwaffle of Assville, you should mind your own business." - Lupo

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                            • #15
                              Quoth Fleur View Post
                              SC: You are not supposed to be in the pool! You are supposed to be WATCHING THE CHILDREN!
                              "You're quite correct Ma'am. Next time, I'll just stand here and watch the child drown."

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