Dance of the Sugar Plum Dumbasses

[calulu]

So I've had mostly normal and nicer customers lately, that is until last night. Last night as I was baking fruitcake and addressing Christmas cards I had the holy hell of the crazy, the confused and the plain old vanilla twat-waffly.

Somewhere the village is missing it's idiot...actually 2 idiots

First two calls almost verbatim only the subject of the out of the blue weirdness changed.

Me - spewing out company greeting
Dumbass - Uh, yeah, I wants to order flowers
Me - What occasion?
DA - I dunno
Me - Why are you ordering for?
DA - I dunno
Me - What would you like?
DA - puppies and kitties and flowers
Me - Do you need a flower arrangement?
DA - Yeah, them flowers in fally colors with a kitten or puppy
Me - No puppies and kittens but we could sent out that flower arrangement for forty bucks.
DA - Uh, okay. Whats amatter? Don't you like puppies and kittens?
Me - Sure, we just don't offer them.

and so on, every other sentence the object du obsession was mentioned....argh!

Thurston Howell calling...

Towards late evening I got a call from a gentleman with the worst entitlement issues I've ever experienced..

Me - Opening speil, blah, blah, blah
TH - It's currently 3:30 pm here in Hawaii and how dare you NOT have delivered my flowers.
Me *slaps self in head and mutes my sigh* Order number please?
TH - #1212, I paid a great deal of money to have these delivered today and they HAVEN'T been. What type of mickey mouse organization are you running!! It's unacceptable!
Me - Sir, your order is marked okay to deliver up until 5 pm and it's not 5 pm yet, the florist probably has this on the truck. Let me contact them and get an ETA for you.
TH - Don't you know who I am? No one treats me like this! This is unacceptable!
Me - I've offered to contact the florist and get you the time these will be delivered. In what way is that unacceptable considering we're still within delivery times for today sir?
TH - You're spoiling my good mood, missy.
Me - What do you really expect me to do? I'm offering you the best solution I have!
TH - *big dramatic sigh* If you must! Call me back on the phone in my Yacht!

Oooh! and can I call you on Gilligan's coconut phone if you don't answer on the yacht?

Gender confusion

Let me preface these by saying I have nothing against gay men. I love gay men! They are usually the best customers, know exactly what they want and don't balk at the price as well as treat you like a human being instead of a lowly worm while ordering.

Me - And what is the recipient name?
Gay Man 1 - Fiji Applebaumetski

and here's where my usually extremely accurate gaydar failed...

Me - and her address?
GM1 - oh, that's my boyfriend, NOT a woman! How dare you make assumptions!
awkward silence
Me - I'm so sorry sir, I meant no harm
GM1 - I'll bet you voted against same sex marriage didn't you?



The second gay man of the day pinged the gaydar immediately and kept talking about his 'girlfriend' we to the name and it gets weird.

Me - and what is your girlfriend's name?
GM2 - Stephen Michael Jones
Me - is that Stephen with a 'v' or a 'ph'?
GM2 - I know it sounds strange but my girlfriend has a boys name..

Dude, I don't care if you're sending flowers to a sheep or a blowup doll much less what the genitalia of the person you're sending your flowers to.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I hate you & wish you were dead too!

Taking order for a dozen roses, pretty standard call until I ask for the card message.
Me - ..and what would you like to say on the card message
Lady - Have a great life. We'll be find without you jerk! Choke on the roses!

[MoonChild2007]

Fiji Applebaumetski

And how were you suppose to know that is a male? Although, just a suggestion, its better to ask "and these flowers will made out to whom?"It will save you from the SC.

Taking order for a dozen roses, pretty standard call until I ask for the card message.
Me - ..and what would you like to say on the card message
Lady - Have a great life. We'll be find without you jerk! Choke on the roses!

Did you actually write that or do you have a policy on what can go on cards?

[raw456]

Call me back on the phone in my Yacht! - this is code for I actually own a 6 foot tin runabout that is currently sitting on its trailer in my yard as the motor is stuffed and I'm too much of a tight arse to pay to get it fixed.

If he really had the moolah he claimed he did, he wouldnt be boasting about the yatch.

[calulu]

If he had the moolah he was trying to act like he had he wouldn't have ordered such a cheap shiatty arrangement either.

The only policy on the card message is nothing with obscenities, no threats, no Nazis.

I have had people want to put stuff like "I love you like a fat man loves cake, like Hitler loved frying the Jews.." and "Elijah is coming. I am Elijah and I am coming to kill you." and "I love your sweet sweet ass." and "I forgive you for sending me to jail even if you were wrong. I will find you soon!"

Two of those we turned over to the local police in those areas. The Elijah guy had been threatening and stalking the recipient for ages and ended up in jail.

[smileyeagle1021]

Me - and what is your girlfriend's name?
GM2 - Stephen Michael Jones
Me - is that Stephen with a 'v' or a 'ph'?
GM2 - I know it sounds strange but my girlfriend has a boys name..

To quote the great fag hag herself, Margaret Cho, "Honey, you only THINK you are in the closet still."

[JustaCashier]

Since you don't have puppies and kitties available, maybe you should've offered up some bacon to send out along with DA's flowers....


Mike

[dbuzman]

GM1 - oh, that's my boyfriend, NOT a woman! How dare you make assumptions!
awkward silence
Me - I'm so sorry sir, I meant no harm
GM1 - I'll bet you voted against same sex marriage didn't you?

This is when you turn it back on the SC by saying, "Actually I voted for it, how dare YOU make assumptions."