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A Bartender's Fun-filled Night...

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  • A Bartender's Fun-filled Night...

    Tonight was Monday in the hotel's New Restaurant. Which means it was s s l l o o o o w w w. And there was much fun to be had, I assure you. From the Supervisory standpoint, I had to deal with servers who didn't show up at all, servers who didn't show because they didn't read their schedule, but then said they would be there, but THEN said they couldn't get into their house to get their stuff because blah blah blah (that one has to talk to my boss tomorrow) to servers who whined about going home early, etc., etc. THAT is all standard, sadly enough.

    While the night WAS somewhat fun because of some honestly entertaining fun-filled folks that came through, one guy at the end was rather Not Fun.

    Shortly before closing, Big Ugly (about 6'2", 260 lbs., late 40's or so) lumbers into my bar, and plops his ass down on a bar stool. He orders his drink, which I make, thinking this guy is a bit drunk but not out of it yet. Seeing as it is almost closing, I give him his bill, without even offering the opportunity to run a tab. He signs the bill to his room (he was staying in the hotel) and his signature is virtually illegible. Luckily, the tip was not. He drinks his drink, and half talks to me, half talks to himself. I am serving other guests, out of which only one couple wants to run a tab. No problem. After a while, I notice Mr. Sheppard (not his real name) with his head down against his chest and his eyes closed. This is not generally proper etiquette at a bar. I say, loudly, "Mr. Sheppard! You can't sleep here!" He looks up at me, his eyes somewhat glazed. "What did you say?" "I said you can't doze here!" He mutters some assent. At this point, my friend Joker, who is sitting next to Big Ugly, yawns. Big Ugly says, "Oh, you better not sleep at the bar, pal." Alrighty then. I can tell this is going to be fun.

    Five minutes to closing, I realize I have not done last call. I also realize there is no way in hell I am DOING last call, as I am not going to give Big Ugly a chance to order another drink. Right about at this point, Big Ugly looks at me and says, as far as I can make out, "Gimme another." Uh, no way that is going to happen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Sheppard, but we're closed. I can't serve you any more drinks." This was half true....I couldn't serve this drunken clod any more drinks! Every one else has left by this time, except for the couple with the open tab, and I am PRAYING they don't order anything else. Because then I would have to face the unwelcome task of Big Ugly wondering why I wasn't serving him, and me trying to diplomatically tell him he was too freakin' drunk for me to do so. Luck was with me! The couple asks for their tab, and I tab them out. At this point, the only ones in the bar are myself, the couple lingering over the last of their drinks, Big Ugly, and my barback, waiting for his tips from me so he can go home. I quietly tell him that I need him to stick around for a bit, explaining why. Being a good egg, he starts doing his paperwork at the end of the bar, in no rush to do so, knowing I need him. Remember, Big Ugly is huge and drunk, and at 5'8" and 150 lbs., I don't qualify as the imposing type. Also, I just want someone else in the bar so maybe Big Ugly doesn't feel like he can do whatever he likes.

    So, I go about doing this and that as I close down the bar. Big Ugly continues to sit there. I kill the music and the TV's. Big Ugly continues to sit there.

    "Mr. Sheppard, we're closed."
    "Okay."

    Big Ugly continues to sit there. I continue to do the stuff I need to do. Finally, I have done most of my stuff, and it is obvious that Big Ugly is not going anywhere. *sigh* I sure hope I am not going to have to call Security. They are not always that quick to answer.

    "Mr. Sheppard, we're closed."
    "Okay."
    "That means it's time to go."
    "Okay."

    Big Ugly continues to sit there.

    "Mr. Sheppard, I'm afraid I am going to have to ask you to leave."
    "Why?"
    "We're closed."
    "Okay, let me pay my bill."
    "You've already paid your bill, Mr. Sheppard."
    "Okay."

    Big Ugly continues to sit there. My bar back is trying not to laugh.

    "Mr. Sheppard, it's time for you to go."
    "Okay."
    "That means you need to get up and leave the restaurant, so we can finish closing it."
    "Okay. Let me just pay my bill."
    "You already paid your bill, Mr. Sheppard."
    "Okay."

    Big Ugly continues to sit there. Where IS Security? Shouldn't they have made their rounds by now?

    "Mr. Sheppard?"
    "Yes?"
    "I need you to get up and leave the bar. We are closed. We can't have you staying here now that we are closed. There are things we have to do. You need to leave, please."
    "Okay. Let me just pay my bill."
    "You paid your bill, Mr. Sheppard."
    "Are you sure?"
    "Yes sir, you signed it to your room."
    "Are you sure?"
    "Yes sir, I am sure. Now it is time for you to go."
    "I need my bill."
    "Mr. Sheppard, you have paid your bill."
    "Are you sure? Let me see it!"
    I fish out his room charge receipt.
    "Here it is, Mr. Sheppard. You signed this to room XYZ. Your room."
    "Okay."
    "Now I need you to get up and leave the bar, as we are closed."
    "Okay."

    Big Ugly continues to sit there. He is making no move to do anything, other than to stare into the bottom of his pretty much finished cocktail. *sigh*

    "Mr. Sheppard?"
    "Yes?" Well, to his credit, at least he has been mostly polite and docile through all this.
    "It's time for you to go. I need you to get up, get off your stool, and leave the bar. We are closed."
    "Okay."
    And finally, shockingly, amazingly, and laboriously, Big Ugly gets up off his bar stool and leaves. To his room or in search of more libations, I did not know. In his condition, I would hope it was to his room. Assuming he could find it.

    I am just glad I did not have to cut him off when I didn't have closing as an excuse. That could have gotten ugly.


    More amusingly, earlier in the night, had a foursome and a couple in there, and everyone was having a Grand Old Time. These people were not quiet, and it was fun. At one point, I had the following exchange with one of the foursome...

    OOTF: "You know, Jester, most bartenders don't tell their guests to shut the hell up."
    JESTER: "You're right. Are you having fun?"
    OOTF: "Hell yes! We're having a blast!"
    JESTER: "Alright then. Continue having fun, and shut the hell up!"

    And then there were The Guys. Bunch of guys in drinking, and one of them asks me where I'm from. I give my usual response. "Take a guess. But I guarantee you'll be wrong! And I'll even tell you, this is not a trick question, I am American, and I am not from Florida. That gives you 49 possibilities." How do I know they'll be wrong, they ask? "Because in 7 years, only 8 people have guessed correctly. With odds like that, I can pretty much guarantee you'll be wrong." What do we win if we get it right? Hmmm...well, it wasn't a contest, but I am in a jaunty mood, so why not? "Tell you what...any one of you gets it right on your first guess, I'll give you a free drink." As predicted, not ONE of them guessed Arizona. Phoenix is the 6th largest city in the U.S. (shortly to be #5...sorry, Philly!), but no one ever guesses it! Somehow, The Guys don't believe I am from Arizona.
    "Where were you born?"
    New Jersey.
    "Ah ha! We knew you were a Jersey boy!"
    Um, no. I was BORN there. We moved SEVEN WEEKS LATER. That hardly makes me a Jersey boy. This information is not enough for one of them, though.
    "Oh, no. You are definitely a Jersey boy. I don't hear any Arizona accent!"
    Arizona doesn't have an accent. I also don't have anything even close to a New Jersey accent. Though, of course, The Guys consider my ATTITUDE more reminiscent of New Jersey than Arizona....but I blame my parents for that!
    "I am not from New Jersey. And the next one of you that says I am is going to be Punished. And you DON'T want Jester's form of punishment." They have been warned. But do they listen? Of course not.
    Guy G says, "Okay, whatever you say. Jersey boy." *sigh* I did warn them, didn't I? Deep breath....

    "PUNISHMENT!" And I pour Guy G a nice healthy shot of room temperature Jose Cuervo tequila. Here's your punishment. Now drink that, and shut the hell up!"

    I tell you, I still amaze myself with what I get away with.
    Last edited by Jester; 12-05-2006, 05:52 AM.

    "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
    Still A Customer."


  • #2
    Everywhere has an accent.
    You're not doing me a favor by eating here. I'm doing you a favor by feeding you.

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    • #3
      Yes, but Arizona is one of those places that has a non-accent accent. Phoenix is often called the west-most Midwestern city. A perfect example of what I am talking about is a conversation I have with many people once I tell them I am from Arizona.

      THEM: "But you don't sound like you're from Arizona!"
      JESTER: (putting on exaggerated Texas drawl) "What? Y'all think Ah'm gonna sound lahk this?"
      THEM: "Well, yes."
      JESTER: (normal voice) "Yeah. That's Texas. In Arizona, we know how to fucking speak."

      No offense to Texans, of course.

      "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
      Still A Customer."

      Comment


      • #4
        Quoth Jester View Post
        No offense to Texans, of course.
        Hey, Hubby's from Texas!

        And aside from actually saying "y'all," he has no discernible accent either. But then, his father's from Idaho, his maternal grandmother's from northern Utah (and so his mother's inherited that accent), and his maternal grandfather's from somewhere Northeast, I believe.

        I get a bunch of people who can't really place my accent either. Mostly because it's an Upstate New York non-accent (I only drawl like my hick cousins when I get talking really fast, and even then, it's not as noticeable as a Southern drawl). People can always tell I'm "not from around these parts" (except in Upstate NY, where I fit in just fine), but they can't figure out where I am from.
        "Enough expository banter. It's time we fight like men. And ladies. And ladies who dress like men. For Gilgamesh...IT'S MORPHING TIME!"
        - Gilgamesh, Final Fantasy V

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        • #5
          Quoth Jester View Post
          Arizona doesn't have an accent. I also don't have anything even close to a New Jersey accent.
          All you American people have accents ! Its only we Brits who has an accent. Even Raps has an accent because he comes from Oop North.
          A person who is nice to you, but not nice to the waiter is not a nice person
          - Dave Barry

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          • #6
            *off topic*
            South Africans are forever being mistaken for brits, ossies, welsh...I can't tell you how many times the locals have asked me where I'm from!
            (I'm from Cape Town, the southern most part of South Africa, and am now living in the North. The accents are actually quite different)

            *on topic*
            that big drunk customer sounded scary!
            The report button - not just for decoration

            Comment


            • #7
              I was born in Cleveland, Ohio and moved to Dallas, Texas around 24. I worked in restaurants and would always get "Whir yu from?" Most would try to guess Boston or Jersey and when I would say Cleveland I would get one of two responses...

              "What part of Texas is Cleveland in?" HA HA HARDY HAR

              "Cleveland? Do you know Drew Carrey?" YEAH, ALL CLEVELANDERS HAVE HIM ON OUR SPEED DIAL!

              Now that I live in Omaha, I blend right in. Do you know why so many companies base their call centers in Omaha (if they aren't going to outsource them to another country) - because people who live in Omaha have no noticable accent.
              "I'm still walking, so I'm sure that I can dance!" from Saint of Circumstance - Grateful Dead

              Comment


              • #8
                When we moved here to Northern Indiana a few years ago, I got asked all the time where I am from (Tidewater Virginia area) and actually had people make fun of my accent. Those people just got the "Icy Glare of Doom."

                Now that we have been here for almost 8 years, the accent has mellowed out some, but my 11yo dd tells me that she can tell when I really get mad because it comes out.

                The people in this area don't have accents, but if we go 2 hours west to Chicago, you get that lovely accent.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Quoth iradney View Post
                  *off topic*
                  South Africans are forever being mistaken for brits, ossies, welsh...I can't tell you how many times the locals have asked me where I'm from!
                  (I'm from Cape Town, the southern most part of South Africa, and am now living in the North. The accents are actually quite different)
                  I've had two south african professors and one british boss. With that kind of practice, it's easy to tell the differences between the two accents.
                  "I live in Los Angeles, and I was on the walk of fame. I was drunk, and I got a henna tattoo that says, 'Forever.'" -Zack Galifianakis

                  Call Sophia Moore or Kent E. Ryder for a good time!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I've been asked more than once (several times, actually) if I'm from London/Britain/England etc. I've never even been there or 'across the pond' lol. Even funnier, I've been asked if I'm Swedish/Norwegian several times as well (though I blame the blonde hair, blue eyes, and height for that one). I was born in Virginia - just outside DC. My family is from the Midwest and South....if I have any kind of accent, it's southern. Though because I've lived in Florida for 16 years, I've kind of developed a mix of accents. Though I definitely don't sound British.

                    It's still fun though when people ask "where are you from?", and I respond "Where do you think I'm from?" (and no, I don't drop trou lol).
                    Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.

                    Proverbs 22:6

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                    • #11
                      =) I grew up in Glendale, Arizona.

                      I spent a summer in mid-state New York when I was 19 and people always asked where I was from because, "You sound just like the people on TV!"
                      (Though I have to say, I certainly wasn't expecting to hear people drawling in the State of New York.)

                      Occasionaly I have people ask me, "Where in Europe are you from?"
                      *blink*
                      Um...never been across the pond, but thanks for asking!

                      My accent isn't remotely European, so I can't figure out where that comes from.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I got the strangest accent. Born in Norwich, moved to New York when I was five, I had a speech impediment when I was little,* and I had both English and American speech therapists. I also spent a year and a half in Santa Fe before moving to Seattle, and while I was there I picked up a bit of a Hispanic drawl, seeing as most all of my friends there were Latino.

                        *Still do. Don't ask me to say aurora, rural, or tar.
                        You're not doing me a favor by eating here. I'm doing you a favor by feeding you.

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                        • #13
                          From my trip to Toronto earlier this year...

                          "So, Irish or Scottish?"

                          "Yorkshire, actually. We're the ones who came up with the puddings."

                          I wasn't certain if he liked me after that...

                          Rapscallion

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                          • #14
                            Quoth Jester View Post
                            "PUNISHMENT!" And I pour Guy G a nice healthy shot of room temperature Jose Cuervo tequila. Here's your punishment. Now drink that, and shut the hell up!"
                            Not scared, IDk how much you know about "exotic south american" drinks, but I do room temperature homemade coquy shots.
                            I pet animals, I rescue insects, I hug trees.

                            "I picture the lead singer of Gwar screaming 'People of Japan, look at my balls! My swinging pendulous balls!!!'" -- Khyras

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                            • #15
                              I'm from SoCal and I do have an accent...an "OC" accent. I sound like a surfer chick, but I'm no surfer chick!!! I'm probably the exact opposite of a surfer chick.

                              That being said, I do think everyone has an accent, whether it be an "American" accent, or British, or Aussie, or even S. African. I have a very definite west coast (US) accent and I don't think anyone would mistake me as having "no" accent.
                              Do I dare
                              Disturb the universe?
                              In a minute there is time
                              For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

                              T.S. Eliot

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