The customer thought I was a secret agent!

[Mango]

Background: There's this nut job that's a regular customer here. I have worked here over a year, and up to today, I was the ONLY person in the office who had never had her on the phone. I was actually looking forward to it because she'd been a customer at my previous job. As yet, she had no idea I worked here. I wanted to see if she'd changed.

She had. She's gotten worse. Or better, depending on whether you're referring to her mental state or the entertainment value.

THE SCENE:

An office with two computers, a laptop, several different kinds of printers, and paper everywhere. Enter the Mango, doing eight things at once, but only really concentrating on three or four.

[Phone rings.]

Me: "Good afternoon, Companyname, this is Mango!"

There is a short pause. Just as I'm about to repeat my intro, it speaks.

Customer: "Oh dear." [Sounds almost apologetic] "I was expecting a woman to answer."

The office consists of me and three ladies. I get that response from time to time. There's not much to say to that.

Me: "OK."
Customer: "Have you worked there long? I've never spoken to you before."
Me: "Yes, I've worked here for over a year."

This is where things get downright bizarre.

Crazy Lady: "!!!!!!!!!!!"

I never knew one could vocalize exclamation points. She vocalized exclamation points.

Crazy Lady: "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Several times. She's so worked up it takes her a moment to compose herself.

Crazy Lady: "I know... **I KNOW**... that you're with...with...with CSIS!!"

CSIS stands for "Canadian Security Intelligence Service". About as close as I get to being a CSIS agent is watching reruns of "24", and that's not very close. At this point, I haven't yet clued in to the fact that this is our nut job.

Me: "..."
Crazy Lady: "Dead silence! I knew it! You ARE with CSIS!"

I figure things out.

Me: "Is this Maureen?"

There is dead silence. I have to work to keep from chortling. I should have said "Dead silence! I knew it! You ARE Maureen!"

Maureen finally speaks: "No. This is...Pat."
Me: "What's your last name, Pat?"
Maureen screams at me, in caps-locked letters. "WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW MY LAST NAME!!?!"

In fact, I think there may have been a few extra ??! at the end.

Me: "Ma'am, I need to release this call." I reach for the release button.
Maureen: "NO! DO NOT RELEASE THIS CALL! DO NOT RELEASE THIS CALL!! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO--" I release the call in mid caps-lock.

This doesn't phase her. She calls back. Multiple times.

Me: "Good afternoon, Companyname, this is Mango!"
Maureen: "This is Pat, and I--"
Me: [Release]

[Phone rings]

Me: "Good afternoon, Companyname, this is Mango!"
Maureen: "I demand to speak to [Boss]! I am going to warn her that you're a CS--"
Me: [Release]

[Phone rings]

Me: "Good afternoon, Companyname, this is Mango!"
Maureen: "Is [Boss] there? Is [Other Boss] there? Unless you want me calling all day, you'll transfer me to [Boss] or [Other Boss]!"
Me: "I am sorry, I cannot transfer your call."
Maureen: "And why not??!"
Me: [Release]

Co-worker: "Why don't you just say that [Boss] is on the phone?"
Me: "Sure, worth a shot!"

[Phone rings]

Me: "Good afternoon, Companyname, this is Mango!"
Maureen: "I demand to speak to [Boss] or [Other boss]! You've only been there a year! You don't know anything! They just have you answering the phones!"
Me: "I'm sorry, she's on the other line. May I take a message?"
Maureen speaks with one word each in its own complete sentence. "I. WILL. WAIT."
Me: [Puts her on hold]

Me: "Okay, she's on hold."
Co-worker: "So leave her there!"
Me: "Yeah! It's 2:16 now, let's see how long she ...aw, she already hung up!"

We wander down to the boss's office to see if she'd like a laugh.

Me: "Boss...did you want to talk with her?"
Boss: "NO WAY! She'll NEVER stop calling if she actually gets me!"

[Phone rings]

Me: "Good afternoon, Companyname, this is Mango!"
Maureen: "You keep hanging up on me and I DO NOT LIKE IT!"
Me: "Well, guess what?"
Maureen: "Er...what?"
Me: "I'm going to hang up on you again." [Release]

Co-worker's mouth drops open. My boss packs up laughing. The next few minutes are filled with "She's calling herself Pat; do you think it's the same one?" "She started off all sweet and nice, didn't she?" "Yeah!" "Then all of a sudden she gets nasty?" "Yeah!" "And she thinks you're with the government? It's definitely her." "There's only one thing that bothers me." "Yes?" "She seems adamant that her name's Pat. You don't think there's TWO of them, do you?" "Trust me. It's her." "By the way, I'm not with CSIS." "Well, yeah, I kind of got that far already."

[Phone rings]

Me: "You have GOT to stop calling this number."
Maureen: "I DEMAND to speak to--"
Me: "I will not transfer your call. You need to stop calling."

There's silence.

Maureen: "Do you know what I am going to do?"
Me: "Uh. No. What?"

Maureen's voice is dripping with suspense. "I am going...I am going...I AM GOING TO CALL BACK LATER!"

Me: "You do that. You make for a great stor ...aw, she released the call!"

For the rest of the day, I stayed within arm's reach of the phone. Customers were impressed that I would pick up on the half-ring. So far, she hasn't called back.

This woman actually lives across the street from me, though she doesn't know that. I am SO tempted to buy a black suit and walk up and down outside her apartment, talking into my cufflinks.

I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish we recorded our calls!!

[Ciarrai]

Oh my gosh, that is hilarious. I didn't realize you could tell who was from CSIS just by a voice on the telephone. Gotta love the crazy people.

[pbmods]

Hehe. You should take a piece of paper and on one side, write "MAUREEN (PAT)", and on the other side, draw an eye.

Then leave it in her mailbox (or slip it under her door)

[EDIT: Speaking completely hypothetically, of course. Customers should never harass you when you're not at work, and the trust should be reciprocated.]

[zeoquean]

I think you SHOULD get the suit and talk into your cufflinks...walking around where she lives.

But then again, that would just validate what she thought already...

[lordlundar]

Hehe. You should take a piece of paper and on one side, write "MAUREEN (PAT)", and on the other side, draw an eye.

Then leave it in her mailbox (or slip it under her door)

It'll never work. She'll be the type of person who watches her street all day long and freaks out when the mail gets delivered.

[ArenaBoy]

I'm still in giggles over this, that is just classic. The suit idea would be cool but that's just kind of cruel in a way. Something tells me she's been reading those conspriacy theories a little too much.

[Sofar]

Probably schizophrenic. Rent a black Chevy Caprice for the afternoon, circle her block incessantly.

[protege]

Probably schizophrenic. Rent a black Chevy Caprice for the afternoon, circle her block incessantly.

You'd need to tint out the windows...and I'm not sure that's covered in the rental contracts. Better yet, would be to get a black Chevy or GMC Suburban

[Palsgraf]

"Well ma'am, I could let you speak with [boss] ... but then I'd have to kill you."

[Mr. Rude]

Naw....Just tint one window .....drivers of course...& sit outside with engine running

[Jester]

This woman actually lives across the street from me, though she doesn't know that. I am SO tempted to buy a black suit and walk up and down outside her apartment, talking into my cufflinks.

I personally own the complete G-man/Blues Brother ensemble. (Black jacket, black tie, white shirt, black pants, black belt, black socks (white socks for Blues Brother, actually), black shoes, black shades, and black fedora. I will loan you any part of this ensemble that you need, or all of it, as long as you record yourself walking up and down your street, talking into your cufflink. Better yet, get a headset, the kind you see in the movies where the burglars or security guys talk to each other, and just talk into that. Heck, you can be on the phone just chatting with friends....it will still be hilarious.

Just out of curiousity, what did this woman do when you were at your old job?

[Becks]

Jester, have I mentioned my love for your sense of humor?

[Jester]

Warning: potentially offensive humor!

Becky, you may have. Sometimes I have trouble remembering which one of my fans said what.

Seriously, I wasn't joking about the Blues Brother outfit. Went as a Blues Brother one year for Christmas, many many moons ago. Didn't have to buy a thing, just pulled the various items out of my wardrobe. Scary, I know. People kept asking me which one I was. And in my best deadpan Dan Akyroyd voice, I would respond "Elwood. Jake's dead, ma'am." I think a few of them got pissed at that one!

[ArenaBoy]

We've got the car and the clothes covered but some extras would definitely add a hilarious touch. For example, if you have a black laptop, get out of the car every now and then, put your finger to your ear as if you're getting a message as you goof around on your laptop, this works best with cellphones too. Some binoculars would make a nice touch if you do some occasional peering.