Tweet
Oy VEY!
The stupid, it burns so badly. Please, please, won't someone take pity on my poor, beleaguered brain cells?
On to the stories:
So it's the holidays season, whether you're celebrating Christmas v 1.0 (religious), Christmas v 2.0 (commercial), Yule/Solstice, Hannukah, Kwanzaa or wtf-ever holiday falls around this darkest (meterologically speaking and shopping-wise) time of year, and as we all know, the SC's are out in force.
A bit of background, first.
So I work for a catalog shoe company, and we've been stocking up on ugly velour slippers, and gift sets pre-boxed, bright colored robes and warm woolen socks, hideous boots tied with fake rawhide string, these are a few of my least favorite things.
....*ahem* sorry. Why is that considered a Christmas song anyway?
Right. Moving on.
Look, guys. Please, next year, can we NOT do this stupid promotion? Please? Because no one GETS it! Your brilliant idea has generated more customer service calls in 3 weeks than any other promotion does ALL YEAR! Take the hint! Cut it out!
The promotion in question grants any customer who spends more than $60.00 in an order a free upgrade to FedEx shipping. That's it. The UPGRADE is free. The standard shipping is not. Why they upstairs would think this is brilliant NOW when they toss out free STANDARD shipping promos the rest of the year is beyond me. Oh, and you can't combine promotions. So if you have the catalog from November that says free STANDARD shipping, and you get an e-mail offering the free FedEx UPGRADE, you have to take one or the other. Not both. So sorry.
Anyway, before this becomes an all work rant and completely in the wrong forum, let me get to the SC's themselves.
SC1 has received the e-mail for the free UPGRADE. Like all SC's who receive this promo e-mail, she sees the GIGANTIC "FREE FedEx Shipping!" and not the (slightly, like maybe 16 point instead of 18 point) smaller "Home Delivery Upgrade" just below it. So she places an order for some $80 shoes and applies her promotion. The specific promo she has also offers 15% off her order, so she gets the discount and the upgrade. The math works this way: $79.95 x .85 = $67.96. Shipping on all orders between $50 and $79 is $11.95. So her total comes to $79.91. So the discount is about the same as her shipping anyway, with me so far? Right, and instead of getting it in 6-10 business days, she's gonna get it in 3-5 business days. Helluva a jump for shipping, wouldn't you think? You'd think that was a good deal, yes? Not she. She wants the 15% off, the free upgrade, AND free standard shipping. Basically, she wants to pay the $67.96 and get it in 3-5 biz days. Well, her total shows as the $79.91, and mind you, this comes up, working the math out FOR YOU, before you submit your order into the Internet ether. Like most SC’s, she completely misses this. So she sends a rather snarky e-mail asking us why the bait and switch? So I politely write her back informing her that we’ve been getting this misunderstanding for weeks, so very sorry, just the upgrade is free, but HEY, still a good deal, right? Thanks, have a nice day, clear the e-mail queue, move along. If this were a normal situation, it would end there. But this involves an SC, so you KNOW that’s not the end of it.
About 30 minutes later, I see her e-mail address back in the queue. WTF? Didn’t I already deal with her? Bring it up, same thing. But new and improved, now with MORE SNARK! She hasn’t quite gotten to the point of screaming “FALSE ADVERTISING! I’LL SUE!”, but I can see that’s just around the corner. I politely explain again that NO, it’s just the upgrade that’s free, so very sorry for the miscommunication, thenk yew veddy much, hev a nice day. Offer to cancel her order if she’s not happy about the situation. Clear her out of the queue, again. Move along, again.
But wait, there’s MORE! That’s right folks, she was BACK in the queue a couple hours later! This time, she is in fact screaming, ”FALSE ADVERTISING! I’LL SUE!”, in true SC style. Even better, she starts making personal comments about me, telling me I’m terrifically incompetent, I must be a total idiot to think she doesn’t know what’s going on, yadda yadda yadda. Right, you’ve got the balls to call me names, through e-mails, but you don’t have the gumption to admit when you’re wrong? Now it is personal. But I’m cool, man, I’m cool. I keep it all professional. I send her a copy of the e-mail promotion, highlighting the section that says “Home Delivery Upgrade”, explain to her AGAIN, that the only recourse she has at this point is to cancel the order and take her $$ to a competitor. So very very sorry, nothing more we can do, thanks again, HAVE A NICE FUCKING DAY! Clear her out of the queue, please, oh please let this be the last time.
But no. My peace of mind is not to be settled at this juncture. She comes back, yet again, this time within 10 minutes. This time she is condescending as all fuck. She offers to send me a copy of the screenshot she took of her order total just before she clicked “Submit Order”. She does the math for me (leaving out a key point I might add) and explaining to me as though I were a retarded 5th grader flunking basic math that x+y+z=$67.96. But AH HAH! Now I have her! The lovely, lovely thing about our website is that it stores in the admin function a copy of the order as it was submitted by the customer. Neener neener! I have you now, you wasciwwy wabbit! Here’s what she sent me:
Product total: $79.95
Discount: -$11.99
FedEx Shipping: FREE!
Here’s what was in the system:
Product total: $79.95
Discount: -$11.99
Standard shipping: $11.95
FedEx Shipping: FREE!
I send back a copy of this gem to her, explaining for the LAST TIME that she most emphatically does NOT get free standard shipping and a shipping upgrade, $79.91 is her correct total, if you don’t like it, go piss up a rope, have a very MERRY fucking holiday season, you dried up old cunt. (no, I didn’t actually say those things, I was professional to the end.)
And that’s the last we heard from her. REASON TRIUMPHS ONCE AGAIN! YA-HAR!
P.S. I checked her order today. It shipped, FedEx Home Delivery, with the standard shipping charges still on the order. Score one for our heroine!
The 2nd SC was much lighter. A short e-mail sent thusly:
“I was so thrilled to find your catalog with all those ‘hard to find’ widths! I was very excited about placing an order, and then I saw it was a “Holiday” catalog! WHAT HOLIDAY? ITS (sic) CALLED CHRISTMAS, YOU BLASPHEMOUS HEATHENS! I will NEVER buy from your company, and I’ll be sure to tell everyone I know not to buy from you either!
P.S. Your (sic) all going to hell.”
Yes, I saved that little piece of lovingkindness for prosperity. It’s going to be framed and hung in mycage cubical. I just love how the “going to hell” part is an afterthought 
FWIW, the president and owner of the company is Jewish. She’s lucky we don’t send out catalogs specifically for Hannukah.
The stupid, it burns so badly. Please, please, won't someone take pity on my poor, beleaguered brain cells?
On to the stories:
So it's the holidays season, whether you're celebrating Christmas v 1.0 (religious), Christmas v 2.0 (commercial), Yule/Solstice, Hannukah, Kwanzaa or wtf-ever holiday falls around this darkest (meterologically speaking and shopping-wise) time of year, and as we all know, the SC's are out in force.
A bit of background, first.
So I work for a catalog shoe company, and we've been stocking up on ugly velour slippers, and gift sets pre-boxed, bright colored robes and warm woolen socks, hideous boots tied with fake rawhide string, these are a few of my least favorite things.
....*ahem* sorry. Why is that considered a Christmas song anyway?
Right. Moving on.
Look, guys. Please, next year, can we NOT do this stupid promotion? Please? Because no one GETS it! Your brilliant idea has generated more customer service calls in 3 weeks than any other promotion does ALL YEAR! Take the hint! Cut it out!
The promotion in question grants any customer who spends more than $60.00 in an order a free upgrade to FedEx shipping. That's it. The UPGRADE is free. The standard shipping is not. Why they upstairs would think this is brilliant NOW when they toss out free STANDARD shipping promos the rest of the year is beyond me. Oh, and you can't combine promotions. So if you have the catalog from November that says free STANDARD shipping, and you get an e-mail offering the free FedEx UPGRADE, you have to take one or the other. Not both. So sorry.
Anyway, before this becomes an all work rant and completely in the wrong forum, let me get to the SC's themselves.
SC1 has received the e-mail for the free UPGRADE. Like all SC's who receive this promo e-mail, she sees the GIGANTIC "FREE FedEx Shipping!" and not the (slightly, like maybe 16 point instead of 18 point) smaller "Home Delivery Upgrade" just below it. So she places an order for some $80 shoes and applies her promotion. The specific promo she has also offers 15% off her order, so she gets the discount and the upgrade. The math works this way: $79.95 x .85 = $67.96. Shipping on all orders between $50 and $79 is $11.95. So her total comes to $79.91. So the discount is about the same as her shipping anyway, with me so far? Right, and instead of getting it in 6-10 business days, she's gonna get it in 3-5 business days. Helluva a jump for shipping, wouldn't you think? You'd think that was a good deal, yes? Not she. She wants the 15% off, the free upgrade, AND free standard shipping. Basically, she wants to pay the $67.96 and get it in 3-5 biz days. Well, her total shows as the $79.91, and mind you, this comes up, working the math out FOR YOU, before you submit your order into the Internet ether. Like most SC’s, she completely misses this. So she sends a rather snarky e-mail asking us why the bait and switch? So I politely write her back informing her that we’ve been getting this misunderstanding for weeks, so very sorry, just the upgrade is free, but HEY, still a good deal, right? Thanks, have a nice day, clear the e-mail queue, move along. If this were a normal situation, it would end there. But this involves an SC, so you KNOW that’s not the end of it.
About 30 minutes later, I see her e-mail address back in the queue. WTF? Didn’t I already deal with her? Bring it up, same thing. But new and improved, now with MORE SNARK! She hasn’t quite gotten to the point of screaming “FALSE ADVERTISING! I’LL SUE!”, but I can see that’s just around the corner. I politely explain again that NO, it’s just the upgrade that’s free, so very sorry for the miscommunication, thenk yew veddy much, hev a nice day. Offer to cancel her order if she’s not happy about the situation. Clear her out of the queue, again. Move along, again.
But wait, there’s MORE! That’s right folks, she was BACK in the queue a couple hours later! This time, she is in fact screaming, ”FALSE ADVERTISING! I’LL SUE!”, in true SC style. Even better, she starts making personal comments about me, telling me I’m terrifically incompetent, I must be a total idiot to think she doesn’t know what’s going on, yadda yadda yadda. Right, you’ve got the balls to call me names, through e-mails, but you don’t have the gumption to admit when you’re wrong? Now it is personal. But I’m cool, man, I’m cool. I keep it all professional. I send her a copy of the e-mail promotion, highlighting the section that says “Home Delivery Upgrade”, explain to her AGAIN, that the only recourse she has at this point is to cancel the order and take her $$ to a competitor. So very very sorry, nothing more we can do, thanks again, HAVE A NICE FUCKING DAY! Clear her out of the queue, please, oh please let this be the last time.
But no. My peace of mind is not to be settled at this juncture. She comes back, yet again, this time within 10 minutes. This time she is condescending as all fuck. She offers to send me a copy of the screenshot she took of her order total just before she clicked “Submit Order”. She does the math for me (leaving out a key point I might add) and explaining to me as though I were a retarded 5th grader flunking basic math that x+y+z=$67.96. But AH HAH! Now I have her! The lovely, lovely thing about our website is that it stores in the admin function a copy of the order as it was submitted by the customer. Neener neener! I have you now, you wasciwwy wabbit! Here’s what she sent me:
Product total: $79.95
Discount: -$11.99
FedEx Shipping: FREE!
Here’s what was in the system:
Product total: $79.95
Discount: -$11.99
Standard shipping: $11.95
FedEx Shipping: FREE!
I send back a copy of this gem to her, explaining for the LAST TIME that she most emphatically does NOT get free standard shipping and a shipping upgrade, $79.91 is her correct total, if you don’t like it, go piss up a rope, have a very MERRY fucking holiday season, you dried up old cunt. (no, I didn’t actually say those things, I was professional to the end.)
And that’s the last we heard from her. REASON TRIUMPHS ONCE AGAIN! YA-HAR!
P.S. I checked her order today. It shipped, FedEx Home Delivery, with the standard shipping charges still on the order. Score one for our heroine!
The 2nd SC was much lighter. A short e-mail sent thusly:
“I was so thrilled to find your catalog with all those ‘hard to find’ widths! I was very excited about placing an order, and then I saw it was a “Holiday” catalog! WHAT HOLIDAY? ITS (sic) CALLED CHRISTMAS, YOU BLASPHEMOUS HEATHENS! I will NEVER buy from your company, and I’ll be sure to tell everyone I know not to buy from you either!
P.S. Your (sic) all going to hell.”
Yes, I saved that little piece of lovingkindness for prosperity. It’s going to be framed and hung in my
FWIW, the president and owner of the company is Jewish. She’s lucky we don’t send out catalogs specifically for Hannukah.
There is a slight flaw in my character.
I consider the whole time between Thanksgiving and Christmas the "Holiday Season".
I was thinking that the other day when the song came on the loop.
Is it obvious that I *don't* miss retail at Christmas time? 
Comment