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I drive a tow truck, meaning it’s primary function is to tow a disabled vehicle to a location where it can hopefully be enabled once again.
I do not drive a magic pixie-dust dispensing truck that can instantly mend whatever went wrong with your car and have you on your way to your destination in the next 15 minutes. Not every vehicular problem can be fixed roadside for $50 or less. For example.
-Missing wheels. There’s a reason the phrase “and then the wheels came off” is used as a euphemism for things going bad. Because a wheel flying off your car isn’t a trivial matter, nor is it easy to fix, and it certainly can’t be fixed roadside, in the dark, with a freezing rain falling. Not only do those wheels make your car move, but they also keep things like your engine’s oil pan and steering components from touching the road. And now that you’ve lost said wheel, they HAVE touched the road, for about 40 yards, and it doesn’t look like they liked that one bit. So I don’t think you’d be going anywhere even if I could magically reattach that wayward wheel, which I can’t do anyway. No, the best I’d be able to do for you at this point is tow the car to our garage for a brief viewing service and then take it on to its final resting place at Goober’s scrapyard where it can join its dearly departed brethren in eternal slumber because $1,000 repair bills are often the death sentence of a car. Even one as chic as the 89’ Mercury Tracer…. So sorry.
-Smashed windshields/windows. I can’t “fix” this, it doesn’t matter that you have to be in Boston tomorrow. I can’t fix broken glass. Not now, not ever, it will require you to take the car to an auto glass shop and have them replace it. No I won’t just come out to where you are and “look at it” because that won’t help. All I’ll be able to do is step out of the truck, look at your car, and say “yup, window’s busted, $50 for roadside service please, cash or credit.” and I’m guessing this scenario will sit with you about as well as a rabid weasel in your lap. I’m trying to prevent wasting your time and money here. When something has its own listing in the yellow pages, it’s for a reason, usually because it’s a specialized service that few have the tools or skills to perform. That’s why we’re in the book under “Towing” and not “Glass” “G” is a long way from “T”. Thus it shouldn’t surprise you that I can’t help you. Our services aren’t daily specials, we can either do them or we can’t. And we cannot fix broken windshields. Yes, you already told me you have to be in Boston tomorrow. Yes, we do have “repairs” listed in our own yellow page ad, you’ll note that it specifically is worded “mechanical repairs”, meaning machinery, glass is not a mechanical system. No, the problem is not that I don’t believe you. Yes, I understand that this is a very important trip, but I can’t help you. No, I’m not “being difficult” I just can’t do what you want me to do, you might as well call me difficult for not magically teleporting your ass to Boston. Rest assured sir, if I could, I would do that, and I’d do it in the evil literal-genie sense of teleporting you ass and JUST your ass to Boston. What? Oh, nothing, you have a good weekend.
-Blown motors (These can’t be “fixed” as much as “replaced at great expense”) At least I’m assuming you blew the motor, since I can see the rapidly-growing puddle of oil under the front of the car, and you admitted to me that some of those red dashboard lights came on 2 states ago, but you kept driving because “I didn’t think it was really a problem, the engine still kept running, so it’s got to be minor right? Like you can fix it for me today?” Well, it wasn’t a problem back then. But, see, the light was trying to TELL you that the engine had started fusing itself into a solid block of warped aluminum. The big “Bang!” and lurch and total loss of power, the Exxon Valdez impersonation and refusal to restart was the signal that it had finished doing so and your former car has now become a 4,000lb paperweight. I mean, I don’t know of any situation where a big, bright, RED light means something good is happening. Flashing ones usually are even worse. Even people who are car clueless usually know something bad has happened when the motor hand-grenades, but they never have enough humility to accept they are the one that pulled the pin themselves. These folks are always acting like a child trying to hide the fact they ate all the cookies or set fire to their own bedroom when any reasonable adult can clearly see they have. It’s always funny when you get on scene with someone fidgeting in a guilty fashion nearby who tells you “Gee, I don’t know what happened, it just quit…” Yeah, sure it did, after you drove through how many consecutive time zones with the oil light on and the car practically screaming “MOMMY, WHY DO YOU HATE ME?????” at you?”
-Anything at all on a Saturday night going into a Sunday. You don’t like working Sundays, neither do mechanics. And no, there’s no place I can tow you on a Saturday night going into a Sunday where anything is going to happen until at least Monday morning. There is no garage around here with Sunday hours. Yes I’m sure, I’ve worked at this job for 3 years and lived in this town for 31 years, I’m positive. No, you can’t just pass me $50 and tell me to do something for you “under the table”, I’m not even a mechanic. This alone seems to shock a lot of people. That tow truck drivers are, well, just that. It seems to be assumed by a great deal of people that if you tow cars, you also have the skills to fix them as well. Now, take one good look at Twitch over there, and tell me YOU feel comfortable letting HIM work on your car….. yeah, thought so. One guy kept upping his “under the table” price to $500 and just couldn’t believe I wouldn’t fix his car for the “quick money” he was offering.
-More flat tires than you have spares. Note that one flat is too many if you have NO spare. This notion seems to confuse the heck out of people. That to do a tire change, we require you to have a good spare, one for EACH flat, we even ask you over the phone before we go out, “Do you have a good spare?” and answering in the affirmative is something you shouldn’t do if you aren’t bloody certain. This isn’t a spy drama, these aren’t coded words that mean the President is safe or the warheads are on the way, we’re asking if you have a good spare tire to replace that flat one. Because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten on scene and asked where the spare was only to get one of the following.
-A glazed look and a puzzled exclamation of “spare??” (Oh Dear, looks like Mommy didn’t hang the keys high enough on the coat rack again, and you escaped, she really should be more careful)
- “I don’t think the car has one” You “don’t think” alright… If you’d just read your owner’s manual, you’d see that there’s a spare in the bottom of the trunk, along with a jack and all the tools and a step-by-step instruction on how to do it. This in theory should be one of the few things you should be able to handle on your OWN, but that’s a whole nother’ rant on how people can be frighteningly auto-illiterate, especially the ones who don’t even know what make/model of car THEY OWN.
-Presented with a tire, just a tire, no rim, and expecting me to be able to mount it. (Look up the word “obsolete” for me, pal. You need a tire machine to put a tire on a rim. This is a hefty, expensive and definitely non-man-portable piece of equipment that currently is bolted to the cement floor of our, and may other fine garages. You’ll need to take the car to IT to get it mounted, not vice versa. The last time you could mount a tire roadside was when something called “tire irons” were commonplace. And this was more than a few years ago, come to think of it, it was back around the time the Nazis marched in to Poland.
-Anti-theft lug nuts, with no tool to get them off. “You can’t just take them off?” Sorry, unless Superman stops by, I don’t think anyone around here is strong enough to just twist them off by hand. That’s the whole point of anti-theft lug nuts. You can’t get them off with a standard lug wrench. Without the spiffy little adapter, I’ll be limited to offering you moral support.
-Presented with a spare that’s just as flat or even flatter than the one on the car. Doesn’t anyone even work the spare into their tire rotation anymore? Oh wait, tire rotation? Heh, silly me, thinking anyone out there still knows what that is who isn’t also collecting Social Security checks.
- You threw out the handle that inserts into the bumper of the truck/SUV and lowers the spare down to the ground. There is NO way to get it to lower without that crank, it even says so in your owner’s manual. You didn’t read yours? Why not? There’s lots of pictures in there, I thought for sure that’d be reading material that’s right up your alley! Aren’t you the least bit curious as to how to reset your trip odometer?
-“I have kids in the car!” Yes, I can see that, I also see TWO flat tires and no spare in sight. So it doesn’t matter if the Pope is in there too, you and your progeny and His Holiness will just have to settle for a tow to the local tire shop and wait until Monday for further assistance, seeing as how it’s 11pm on a Saturday night. “But I have to be in Boston tomorrow!” Oh bugger, not THIS again….
I do not drive a magic pixie-dust dispensing truck that can instantly mend whatever went wrong with your car and have you on your way to your destination in the next 15 minutes. Not every vehicular problem can be fixed roadside for $50 or less. For example.
-Missing wheels. There’s a reason the phrase “and then the wheels came off” is used as a euphemism for things going bad. Because a wheel flying off your car isn’t a trivial matter, nor is it easy to fix, and it certainly can’t be fixed roadside, in the dark, with a freezing rain falling. Not only do those wheels make your car move, but they also keep things like your engine’s oil pan and steering components from touching the road. And now that you’ve lost said wheel, they HAVE touched the road, for about 40 yards, and it doesn’t look like they liked that one bit. So I don’t think you’d be going anywhere even if I could magically reattach that wayward wheel, which I can’t do anyway. No, the best I’d be able to do for you at this point is tow the car to our garage for a brief viewing service and then take it on to its final resting place at Goober’s scrapyard where it can join its dearly departed brethren in eternal slumber because $1,000 repair bills are often the death sentence of a car. Even one as chic as the 89’ Mercury Tracer…. So sorry.
-Smashed windshields/windows. I can’t “fix” this, it doesn’t matter that you have to be in Boston tomorrow. I can’t fix broken glass. Not now, not ever, it will require you to take the car to an auto glass shop and have them replace it. No I won’t just come out to where you are and “look at it” because that won’t help. All I’ll be able to do is step out of the truck, look at your car, and say “yup, window’s busted, $50 for roadside service please, cash or credit.” and I’m guessing this scenario will sit with you about as well as a rabid weasel in your lap. I’m trying to prevent wasting your time and money here. When something has its own listing in the yellow pages, it’s for a reason, usually because it’s a specialized service that few have the tools or skills to perform. That’s why we’re in the book under “Towing” and not “Glass” “G” is a long way from “T”. Thus it shouldn’t surprise you that I can’t help you. Our services aren’t daily specials, we can either do them or we can’t. And we cannot fix broken windshields. Yes, you already told me you have to be in Boston tomorrow. Yes, we do have “repairs” listed in our own yellow page ad, you’ll note that it specifically is worded “mechanical repairs”, meaning machinery, glass is not a mechanical system. No, the problem is not that I don’t believe you. Yes, I understand that this is a very important trip, but I can’t help you. No, I’m not “being difficult” I just can’t do what you want me to do, you might as well call me difficult for not magically teleporting your ass to Boston. Rest assured sir, if I could, I would do that, and I’d do it in the evil literal-genie sense of teleporting you ass and JUST your ass to Boston. What? Oh, nothing, you have a good weekend.
-Blown motors (These can’t be “fixed” as much as “replaced at great expense”) At least I’m assuming you blew the motor, since I can see the rapidly-growing puddle of oil under the front of the car, and you admitted to me that some of those red dashboard lights came on 2 states ago, but you kept driving because “I didn’t think it was really a problem, the engine still kept running, so it’s got to be minor right? Like you can fix it for me today?” Well, it wasn’t a problem back then. But, see, the light was trying to TELL you that the engine had started fusing itself into a solid block of warped aluminum. The big “Bang!” and lurch and total loss of power, the Exxon Valdez impersonation and refusal to restart was the signal that it had finished doing so and your former car has now become a 4,000lb paperweight. I mean, I don’t know of any situation where a big, bright, RED light means something good is happening. Flashing ones usually are even worse. Even people who are car clueless usually know something bad has happened when the motor hand-grenades, but they never have enough humility to accept they are the one that pulled the pin themselves. These folks are always acting like a child trying to hide the fact they ate all the cookies or set fire to their own bedroom when any reasonable adult can clearly see they have. It’s always funny when you get on scene with someone fidgeting in a guilty fashion nearby who tells you “Gee, I don’t know what happened, it just quit…” Yeah, sure it did, after you drove through how many consecutive time zones with the oil light on and the car practically screaming “MOMMY, WHY DO YOU HATE ME?????” at you?”
-Anything at all on a Saturday night going into a Sunday. You don’t like working Sundays, neither do mechanics. And no, there’s no place I can tow you on a Saturday night going into a Sunday where anything is going to happen until at least Monday morning. There is no garage around here with Sunday hours. Yes I’m sure, I’ve worked at this job for 3 years and lived in this town for 31 years, I’m positive. No, you can’t just pass me $50 and tell me to do something for you “under the table”, I’m not even a mechanic. This alone seems to shock a lot of people. That tow truck drivers are, well, just that. It seems to be assumed by a great deal of people that if you tow cars, you also have the skills to fix them as well. Now, take one good look at Twitch over there, and tell me YOU feel comfortable letting HIM work on your car….. yeah, thought so. One guy kept upping his “under the table” price to $500 and just couldn’t believe I wouldn’t fix his car for the “quick money” he was offering.
-More flat tires than you have spares. Note that one flat is too many if you have NO spare. This notion seems to confuse the heck out of people. That to do a tire change, we require you to have a good spare, one for EACH flat, we even ask you over the phone before we go out, “Do you have a good spare?” and answering in the affirmative is something you shouldn’t do if you aren’t bloody certain. This isn’t a spy drama, these aren’t coded words that mean the President is safe or the warheads are on the way, we’re asking if you have a good spare tire to replace that flat one. Because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten on scene and asked where the spare was only to get one of the following.
-A glazed look and a puzzled exclamation of “spare??” (Oh Dear, looks like Mommy didn’t hang the keys high enough on the coat rack again, and you escaped, she really should be more careful)
- “I don’t think the car has one” You “don’t think” alright… If you’d just read your owner’s manual, you’d see that there’s a spare in the bottom of the trunk, along with a jack and all the tools and a step-by-step instruction on how to do it. This in theory should be one of the few things you should be able to handle on your OWN, but that’s a whole nother’ rant on how people can be frighteningly auto-illiterate, especially the ones who don’t even know what make/model of car THEY OWN.
-Presented with a tire, just a tire, no rim, and expecting me to be able to mount it. (Look up the word “obsolete” for me, pal. You need a tire machine to put a tire on a rim. This is a hefty, expensive and definitely non-man-portable piece of equipment that currently is bolted to the cement floor of our, and may other fine garages. You’ll need to take the car to IT to get it mounted, not vice versa. The last time you could mount a tire roadside was when something called “tire irons” were commonplace. And this was more than a few years ago, come to think of it, it was back around the time the Nazis marched in to Poland.
-Anti-theft lug nuts, with no tool to get them off. “You can’t just take them off?” Sorry, unless Superman stops by, I don’t think anyone around here is strong enough to just twist them off by hand. That’s the whole point of anti-theft lug nuts. You can’t get them off with a standard lug wrench. Without the spiffy little adapter, I’ll be limited to offering you moral support.
-Presented with a spare that’s just as flat or even flatter than the one on the car. Doesn’t anyone even work the spare into their tire rotation anymore? Oh wait, tire rotation? Heh, silly me, thinking anyone out there still knows what that is who isn’t also collecting Social Security checks.
- You threw out the handle that inserts into the bumper of the truck/SUV and lowers the spare down to the ground. There is NO way to get it to lower without that crank, it even says so in your owner’s manual. You didn’t read yours? Why not? There’s lots of pictures in there, I thought for sure that’d be reading material that’s right up your alley! Aren’t you the least bit curious as to how to reset your trip odometer?
-“I have kids in the car!” Yes, I can see that, I also see TWO flat tires and no spare in sight. So it doesn’t matter if the Pope is in there too, you and your progeny and His Holiness will just have to settle for a tow to the local tire shop and wait until Monday for further assistance, seeing as how it’s 11pm on a Saturday night. “But I have to be in Boston tomorrow!” Oh bugger, not THIS again….
I'm not at all surprised. 
), or the exhaust pipe explodes at the junction between manifold and downpipe - ears rang for 20 minutes after that one.
ing idea it was to start putting those into cars, rather than an actual spare.
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