If you order pizza...... (a bit long and ranty)

[Racket_Man]

late at night DO NOT
1. proceed to blast the TV or video game at full volumn so you can not hear the doorbell or a loud banging at the door

2. go hide in your basement
a. smokin that "non domestic" smokin substance with a bunch of your buds (pun intented). yes the smell adheres to your clothes.
b. have a very loud party gong in the basement again so you do not hear the doorbell, a loud banging on your door or YOUR FRACKEN CELL PHONE
c. any combination of the above items.

3. if it is late at night and there is the slightest possibility that you are tired and MIGHT fall asleep, you need to rethink that pizza order. you will just frustrate the delivery person and make them mad at you (and yes we WILL remember your address). Yes we can see the TV on whilst laying on the doorbell and banging loudly on your door. at least have your PHONE near you so you can hear its shrill tone so that awakens you from your stupior (drunken or otherwise)

4. get busy with your fuck buddy. SO, drug dealer, roommates present squeeze even though one company did suggest that in one of their commercials (think "You have 30 minutes") about a year ago.

and last but not least

Wasted Time and Wasted Food

Do NOT think it is FUNNY or CUTE or HILLARIOUS to put in a prank order.
Last night I took a call that seemed "funny". To those of you that do phone type customer service you will know what I am talking about. something not real obvious just strikes you as weird and strange. something about the way the person talks and the manner of speech = there is no good going on.

at around 11:45pm a New customer at 1234 Moe st. calls and puts in a large order for $86.31. The phone exchange (as in 123-xxxx) is not one that I know (possible strike 1). the customer keeps intrupting me to add different items (possible strike 2)

I give the "customer" the total but I did not put the order through. I talked to the MOD and told her my concerns and that I am calling this order back for verification.

I tried calling the number back but all I got was voice mail. tried twice more to contact this "customer". MOD says just put it through and she start making the order. I tell her that this order is VERY suspect. MOD says she will try and contact them again while I on my delivery.

she get the same thing as me - voice mail.

about 40 minutes after the inital order was place. someone calls and says they placed an order for 1234 Moe st. (OK maybe I was wrong but I still have my doubts). we tell the customer that we tried to call back to verify the order but no call was recieved back from them even though we left multipul messages.

the other closing driver get the delivery. he gets to 1234 Moe St. and the occupant denies any knowledge of a large delivery order (may be true or not)

So we just lost a bunch of food, but on the upside us closing drivers spilt the order up and I got a free lunch/dinner for the next day or so.

[bainsidhe]

Just another quick adder:

1) If you're a skeezy, creepy old guy, please don't hit on the female delivery drivers. Or male drivers for that matter.
2) Please don't offer the driver a hit of whatever illegal substance you happen to be taking.
3) Don't get obnoxious when we deliver your pizza fast. Most customers appreciate pizza served hot and fresh, after all.
4) We give you a total ahead of time for a reason. Digging through the couch cushions for change after I arrive will only make me hate you.
5) If your apartment is difficult to see or find, directions are your friend. No, we don't give discounts for your lack of planning.
6) If you claim to have a coupon we've never heard of, then yes you can expect to hand it over. Shocking I know, but people do try to scam free pizza as if their life depended on it.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Wasted Time and Wasted Food

Do NOT think it is FUNNY or CUTE or HILLARIOUS to put in a prank order.

At the pizza place I used to work at, the boss would blacklist for good anyone who did that. It used to be funny sometimes as they would ring up afterwards and be told "Sorry, but we don't deliver to you any more." "But... that wasn't meee!" "We do log your number and address, you know." Idiots.

1) If you're a skeezy, creepy old guy, please don't hit on the female delivery drivers. Or male drivers for that matter.

There was a customer at the pizza place like that. He'd always sound really pervy on the phone, as in heavy breathing and a really suggestive voice. And he'd always, without fail, ask us for a sexy female driver. As bloody IF. Instead, we'd always make a point of sending our biggest, butchest male driver to that guy.

[earl colby pottinger]

Call back

Assuming you don't have caller ID.

If someone places an order like that, and you find you can't contact them when they call back why not tell them that you have to call back again as soon as they hang up.

Thus confirming they are calling from the number they gave you.

Thus person A can't give person's B number to get person B in trouble.

Also make it clear about blacklisting prank calling numbers, it can still be abused but you know that in that case the pranker and prankee know each other. They can sort it out.

[Racket_Man]

Just another quick adder:

<snip>

4) We give you a total ahead of time for a reason. Digging through the couch cushions for change after I arrive will only make me hate you.

6) If you claim to have a coupon we've never heard of, then yes you can expect to hand it over. Shocking I know, but people do try to scam free pizza as if their life depended on it.

reguarding #4
it still amazes me how often this particular one happens esp if the delivery times are a bit long. You have had 45 -60 minutes to get your shit together and have ethe money ready. it is just the shock over the fact that your PIZZA actually made it to your door, or are you just that lazy or stupid or what

reguarding #6
AND make sure you have the correct country esp if you are getting the coupon from the Internet.

This one was not really a scam but..... a couple of years ago we had a guy call in claiming to have a coupon for 2 large pizzas, a order of wings, and breadstix for $19.99. We knew of NO existing coupon we had that gave THAT great of a deal.

The MOD takes the order with the provision that we NEED to see the coupon before we can do that price. I get the delivery and the guy hands me a printout of the coupon off the internet.

Two big "problems" are blatantly evident. First I look at the bottom of the printout for the web address. www.pizzaplace.co.uk. Second problem which was more evident was, yes indeed all that food for 19.99 but in British pounds (do not remember the code for the pound symbol).

Sorry not getting the "special price". I took the print out back to the store and told the MOD to look at it to see if he could catch the "problems". it took him a minute to see what I caught right off.

[trailerparkmedic]

2) Please don't offer the driver a hit of whatever illegal substance you happen to be taking.

Please don't offer that as a tip, either.

If the company discontinued its "30 minutes or it's free" guarantee 7 years ago, don't act surprised when the pizza arrives within the quoted 2 hour time frame and you don't get it for free.

Please don't send your kids to the door with exact change just because you don't want to face the person you are stiffing.

[Jack]

Please don't offer that as a tip, either.

Speak for yourselves.

[SarcasticJerk]

Other things NOT to do:

- Ask us to call you when we get there (usually because the apartment building's intercom doesn't work), then not answer your damn phone. When you call the store again an hour later, I'll be more than happy to point out that I left TWO meassages on your voicemail. Bonus if your excuse for not answering is "I didn't know who was calling/I didn't recognise the number."

- Be told on the phone (by me) that your order will be there in around 45 minutes, then try to pull the "Isn't it 30 minutes ori t's free?" when it gets there. When I worked at P. Slut, I was more than happy to say "No, we've never had that, that's D". Now that I work at D, I love to point out "No, that ended in 1985."

- Go somewhere. Seriously. You asked us to come to your house. We tell you we'll be there in a bit. This is NOT the time for you to: Go to the store, take your kids somewhere, or pick people up from the airport. This is also not the best time for you to take a shower.

- Look in your pocket. See fourteen dollars and change. Order over twenty dollars woth of stuff. Try to haggle at the door.

- Tell me you're going to sue us, over whichever policy you disagree with. I am now forced to shut you down with my "You're suing us? I'm no longer allowed to speak to you. You'll have to call our main office at xxx-xxxx to talk to our legal department. No, I can't take your order now. In fact I just made a note that we can no longer take orders from you. I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's out of my hands."

- Pay me with 6 quarters, 148 dimes, 82 nickels, and 47 pennies. Unless you're 12, in which case I'll cut you some slack. If you're over 18, it's pathetic. I'll also be counting that change before you get your food.

[fireheart]

I'm surprised nobody has added the following (not from friends, but compiled from various threads here)

1. Have sex while you're ordering.
2. Have sex when the driver arrives.

[Tithera]

- Pay me with 6 quarters, 148 dimes, 82 nickels, and 47 pennies. Unless you're 12, in which case I'll cut you some slack. If you're over 18, it's pathetic. I'll also be counting that change before you get your food.

I'd have to disagree with this. For some us in college, without jobs, all we have is change. I'm sorry to say, but money is money. I'm sorry that all I have I have is quarters and dimes, but please to don't snip at me, since I give you a very generous tip as well. I'd say, as long as the right amount of money is there, don't complain. Several drivers have actually thanked me for giving them change cause they were out. That is your job, I understand it sucks, but if that is all I have, complain about it later, when you're NOT standing in front of me. Especially if I have allready rolled into coin rolls so that it makes it easier for you to recount if you so choose and easier to carry.

[arminius58]

Going along with the large amounts of change, order six dollars worth of food and then come in with a hundred and expect change.

As for the having sex when the driver gets there, sorry that always amused me when I did a little coitus interruptus.

This one actually happened to me earlier this week, come into the store, pay for the food, then come back 45 minutes after the food is done, and then complain the next day that your food sucked because it was cold.

[Racket_Man]

I'd have to disagree with this.

I do not doubt YOUR sincerity and good tipping habits BUT......
you MAY think it is part of my job and it may suck and money may be money BUT I am not REQUIRED by any law, statue, rule or court decision to accept ANY legal currency of any denomination you hand me be it coin or paper currency. Security and safety is one of the reasons we will NOT accept $100 and $50 bills for small orders.

and as for coin rolls, yes we DO have to break those open and count them unless they appear to have come straight from a bank. meaning they are plastic shrink-wrapped or tightly rolled and edge rolled. more than once we have been shorted several coins in a "hand rolled" roll of coins.

you have to understand this. most the the time when someone pays with a ZIPlock baggie of change (and only CHANGE) 99% of the time we as delivery drivers KNOW either

1. it is going to be "short" as in I will have to put in money from MY POCKET to make sure the order is paid in full.
or
2. the "payment" is going to be EXACT change or maybe a nickle more as in I am getting stiffed because someone had to turn their couch upside down to get enough money together to actually pay for the order.

try pulling the below situations on a driver once (and yes this has happened to several of us over the years)

A. I get to the door. the customer hands me a baggie full of nothing but pennies, nickles and dimes (and hints there is a little extra in there for me). and these are no small orders either. I WILL count all of the coins out right then and there, usually to find out after counting it in full that it is at least 50 cents to a dollar short. Usually the "customer" will huff and puff about why it is taking sooooooooo long and I just should accept what they gave me. I then inform the "customer" they need to get more money or NO order. I, as a delivery driver, wil, NOT pay for part (however small) of someones order in any way shape or form.

B. I get to the door. the customer hands me literally a McDonalds SUPER-SIZED cup full of nothing but pennies and that is their payment. sorry not happening but $30 in pennies is not going back with me to the store

I'm surprised nobody has added the following (not from friends, but compiled from various threads here)

1. Have sex while you're ordering.
2. Have sex when the driver arrives.

see #4 in my OP

AN UPDATE

the first section of the rant in my OP was caused on Thursday night by someone apparently placing an internet order then not answering the door when I attempted to deliver. and yes it seemed to be a legit order in the first place.

Fast Forward to tonight (Sat.). I get in early because there are several large events going on tonight at the local area and stadium so I KNOW we are going to be busy. The shifty on duty calls me over as soon as I walk in the door.

Crap what did I do now??? She askes me if I remember the dry run order from Thursday night. Yeah. she says he came in earlier and apologised and said to give you this. she pulled a $5 bill out of her pocket. I nearly fell over. Turns out the guy fell asleep on the couch and felt bad about not answering the door.

Only had that happen once before. and that time they actually mailed a $5 tip on an order I DID deliver.

[Kristev]

Pizza, it seems to me, is best ordered by debit card, with me sitting in the entry hall of the complex. Except during winter time. See, I have this purple wreath with lavender lights. Cheap K-Mart crap, I grant you, but it makes it a hell of a lot easier for the pizzaboy when I tell him what to look for. Who else would dare have it on their door?

[Racket_Man]

Pizza, it seems to me, is best ordered by debit card, with me sitting in the entry hall of the complex. Except during winter time. See, I have this purple wreath with lavender lights. Cheap K-Mart crap, I grant you, but it makes it a hell of a lot easier for the pizzaboy when I tell him what to look for. Who else would dare have it on their door?

ohhh the delivery drivers must really love you (and I mean that in a good way too)