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My favourite story to tell during sucky customer battles (mine’s worse, no my job sucks the most). Very few jobs beat pee collection, usually anything worse involves sucky staff/management/pay. In fact, I think Jeff Foxworthy said once that the worst jobs out there are the ones that you get paid the least for, he later amended that to add “or have rubber gloves….proctologists make lots of money, but not a lot of people want to do that.” Well I get paid ok, but I have to wear gloves.
We do drug tests mainly for trucking companies (we do other stuff too, but that’s a whole other rant). There are several types: pre-employment (new hires), randoms (selected literally at random by a computer that then spits out a list, I assure you I did not ask you to come in today, and I am not personally picking on you), Post-accident (fairly self-explanatory), and Reasonable Suspicion. These are listed essentially in order of commonality as most people that work for places that do regular drug testing are generally smart enough to not show up high (look at me, the eternal optimist).
So one day, I’m working at my pee narc job, and I’d been there maybe a year when this happened. I’m well trained in all types of dealing with dbaggery from my retail and fast-food jobs, and I’m dating (married to now) a guy who’s dad AND step-dad (now former) are both truck drivers and occasional aholes. I get a call from John* (*names changed of course) at company X, can he send Jim* in for reasonable suspicion drug and alcohol test. Of course, we’re not busy, bring him right over. John asks, can you not tell him it’s a suspicion test? Uh, no. I can avoid using the words, but if he asks I can’t lie, and anyway, it’s written on all the forms he’ll get copies of. Can I put them in an envelope for him so he can’t see them? Again, no, he has to sign the forms. I’ll do my best not to draw attention to it I guess, but that’s the best I can do.
Now, common sense (ha ha, there’s that optimist again), would assume that if you think your driver is high and/or drunk, you don’t let him drive a semi to the test site. In fact, you’re supposed to accompany your employee to our facility. But of course, I look out the window and see a semi cab (no trailer attached) pull in to our lot. Fine, whatever, not my problem yet. He comes in, I take him to our test room, and we do the breath alcohol test, he signs all the forms for that, negative so far so good. We’re chatting, he’s coherent, polite, telling me about some internet vitamin business he’s involved in, great.
The fun starts when it’s time to do the urine test. I need him to take off his hat and empty his pockets. Why, you may ask? Apparently, and though I’ve never personally stopped someone myself, people will try to hide small bags of “clean urine” or some sort of additive (a bleach coated pen that they can stir the sample with) to get their sample rejected, and I guess give them more time to get clean before they retest. EVERYONE must follow this procedure; again, I’m not picking on you personally. Jim empties his pockets, still friendly, so I politely remind him; the cowboy hat has to come off too. Now, I’m not a small person, 5’10 ish, and he’s maybe 5’7, but crazy is crazy. He refuses to comply. Last time he was in the girl didn’t make him take off his hat; he’s not doing it now. Well. We are not a huge office. Guess who had him last time? And like heck did I not ask him to take his hat off. So he starts on a rant, nope, not taking the hat off. Well guess what? Fairly to comply with DOT procedures constitutes a refusal to test. His company will have to treat him like a positive (failed) drug test if he doesn’t take his hat off and go to the bathroom. Well of course now I’m picking on him. He’s not refusing to test, he’s refusing to take his hat off, and he is not going to leave just because I’m on a power trip. Fine, I went to get the other lady in the office. We don’t have a hierarchy, so she’s not technically a supervisor, but she has been working there 10 years, maybe she knows what to do.
She goes in and basically explains the same things to her. His argument? We’re perverts. Excuse you? Yeah, asking him to remove his COWBOY HAT is the same as asking him to take off his pants, and he’s going to come back and put a sign out front that says we’re perverts, and the Bible says something about not taking off hats. Uh huh. So she says, well, I’ll call John at X and we’ll see what he wants to do. Jim says, “oh good, John’s like a brother to me.” Really? They guy that wanted us to deceive you into doing a test is like family? Glad we’re not related. So John talks to Jim, calms him down, gets him to take off his hat, and my co-worker completed the test for me because I couldn’t even see straight. He signs this form in huge GIANT letters, because he has an eye infection and “can’t see too good” (remember how he drove a semi over?) despite the fact that he signed the drug test form like a normal person, and he leaves.
The real kicker? His drug test came back clean. He was really just crazy.
We do drug tests mainly for trucking companies (we do other stuff too, but that’s a whole other rant). There are several types: pre-employment (new hires), randoms (selected literally at random by a computer that then spits out a list, I assure you I did not ask you to come in today, and I am not personally picking on you), Post-accident (fairly self-explanatory), and Reasonable Suspicion. These are listed essentially in order of commonality as most people that work for places that do regular drug testing are generally smart enough to not show up high (look at me, the eternal optimist).
So one day, I’m working at my pee narc job, and I’d been there maybe a year when this happened. I’m well trained in all types of dealing with dbaggery from my retail and fast-food jobs, and I’m dating (married to now) a guy who’s dad AND step-dad (now former) are both truck drivers and occasional aholes. I get a call from John* (*names changed of course) at company X, can he send Jim* in for reasonable suspicion drug and alcohol test. Of course, we’re not busy, bring him right over. John asks, can you not tell him it’s a suspicion test? Uh, no. I can avoid using the words, but if he asks I can’t lie, and anyway, it’s written on all the forms he’ll get copies of. Can I put them in an envelope for him so he can’t see them? Again, no, he has to sign the forms. I’ll do my best not to draw attention to it I guess, but that’s the best I can do.
Now, common sense (ha ha, there’s that optimist again), would assume that if you think your driver is high and/or drunk, you don’t let him drive a semi to the test site. In fact, you’re supposed to accompany your employee to our facility. But of course, I look out the window and see a semi cab (no trailer attached) pull in to our lot. Fine, whatever, not my problem yet. He comes in, I take him to our test room, and we do the breath alcohol test, he signs all the forms for that, negative so far so good. We’re chatting, he’s coherent, polite, telling me about some internet vitamin business he’s involved in, great.
The fun starts when it’s time to do the urine test. I need him to take off his hat and empty his pockets. Why, you may ask? Apparently, and though I’ve never personally stopped someone myself, people will try to hide small bags of “clean urine” or some sort of additive (a bleach coated pen that they can stir the sample with) to get their sample rejected, and I guess give them more time to get clean before they retest. EVERYONE must follow this procedure; again, I’m not picking on you personally. Jim empties his pockets, still friendly, so I politely remind him; the cowboy hat has to come off too. Now, I’m not a small person, 5’10 ish, and he’s maybe 5’7, but crazy is crazy. He refuses to comply. Last time he was in the girl didn’t make him take off his hat; he’s not doing it now. Well. We are not a huge office. Guess who had him last time? And like heck did I not ask him to take his hat off. So he starts on a rant, nope, not taking the hat off. Well guess what? Fairly to comply with DOT procedures constitutes a refusal to test. His company will have to treat him like a positive (failed) drug test if he doesn’t take his hat off and go to the bathroom. Well of course now I’m picking on him. He’s not refusing to test, he’s refusing to take his hat off, and he is not going to leave just because I’m on a power trip. Fine, I went to get the other lady in the office. We don’t have a hierarchy, so she’s not technically a supervisor, but she has been working there 10 years, maybe she knows what to do.
She goes in and basically explains the same things to her. His argument? We’re perverts. Excuse you? Yeah, asking him to remove his COWBOY HAT is the same as asking him to take off his pants, and he’s going to come back and put a sign out front that says we’re perverts, and the Bible says something about not taking off hats. Uh huh. So she says, well, I’ll call John at X and we’ll see what he wants to do. Jim says, “oh good, John’s like a brother to me.” Really? They guy that wanted us to deceive you into doing a test is like family? Glad we’re not related. So John talks to Jim, calms him down, gets him to take off his hat, and my co-worker completed the test for me because I couldn’t even see straight. He signs this form in huge GIANT letters, because he has an eye infection and “can’t see too good” (remember how he drove a semi over?) despite the fact that he signed the drug test form like a normal person, and he leaves.
The real kicker? His drug test came back clean. He was really just crazy.
Someone will be along shortly to show you the ropes
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