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Won't Someone Please Think Of The Children?
Long haul in EVE Online, time fer post~
Can't Be That Important
SC: “Could you ask Bob to put up a sign on the bulletin board? I lost my bag with all my important medications in it. I sometimes use it to keep the elevator door open.”
Right, only moments into the call and I already have two key inquiries for you: Number one, why did you feel the need to physically jam the elevator door open for an extended period of time? Number two, if you really needed an elevator doorstop, why use your purse which, by your own admittance, is full of important drugs which may or may not be required to sustain your life?
If for some reason you really did need to wedge the elevator open, thus lodging the elevator in place on that floor and denying its use to every other tenant in the building who may depend on it to actually be able to physically depart the structure, why not just go grab a phone book or something? You know, something not loaded with life giving medication, cash, credit cards and all of your identification?
Since you somehow lost it while doing this, that implies you left it there to begin with. So you took arguably the most important object you carry on your person, used it as a door stop, and then left it for an extended period of time in the dead of night. Now, I’m not saying you’re an idiot per say…..I’m just heavily implying it in a roundabout fashion.
SC: “I think I left it on the 11th floor.”
The 11th floor? You jammed the elevator on the 11th floor? Are you sure one of your neighbour’s from the 20th floor didn’t spend 5 minutes pressing the button then hike down the stairs 8 floors only to discover your bag as the source of the problem? Possibly kicked it out of the way, dumped its contents through the gap in the floor down the elevator shaft, then tossed the remaining husk 11 floors down the stairwell? Just out of spite?
Let Me Tell You A Story
SC: “Your kit says it only fits windows up to 40 inches high. But mine is 50 inches. Will it still fit?"
And that, boys and girls, is the story of the easiest call I have ever taken.
Operation Frigid Beaver
Hello there, <name> family of <village>. You’ve become fervently regular customers in the last 48 hours and I’ve personally hand stamped a good $3000 worth of valuable clothes to cure your nudity. But the frequency and mass of your orders has me somewhat perplexed. Admittedly, each of you has a separate PO box, however you all share the last name and all live in the same town. Which leads me to believe the gene pool there is relatively thin. Whilst my interactions with you lead me to believe it also lacks chlorine. But I digress. I believe I have solved the pattern of your consumer madness.
I’ll admit I was perplexed at first, as I did not see any particular pattern in your item choices. Only a series of horrible, horrible colour choices ( Yellow, Hot Pink, Red, Maui Blue, Indigo Stomp? ). It wasn’t until this call in particular that the pattern emerged. When yet another member of the family called and ordered $700 worth of pants. Then it suddenly all made sense. Your relative before you, your consumer ancestor if you will, ordered a $500 mixture of shoes. The one before that ordered a mixture of t-shirts and sweaters. Each of you is ordering large quantities of only a singular class of item. You’ve effectively broken into apparel task forces each one handling only a single target.
I assume after the bulk of your dangerously gaudy items arrives, you will each grab a load of your chosen item and hold it aloft. Presumably screaming “Shirt!”, “Shoes!”, “Sweater!”, “Pants!”, “Heart!” in sequence in an attempt to summon Captain Colourblind.
Ok?
( Was a wrong number, first thing the guy said.. )
SC: “Yar, hi. Ma name be Dexteran’ I’m movin’ inta a house, yo.”
….congratulations, Dexter? I’m sure you’ll find a proper living structure to be a welcome step up from whatever cardboard box, dumpster or railway car your apparent level of education denoted you lived in previously.
.....
Me: “I’m afraid it’s still 2am locally-“
SC: “Ah, so are you working all alone tonight?”
…N..n….no. There’s, er, there’s lots of people here with me, yeah. Why, a whole room full of people! And a dog.
A big dog.
Can't Be That Important...?
C: “The elevator lost power and I was trapped inside for a while. I finally managed to pry the doors open and crawl out. The elevator company said I should call you.”
Hmm, that is most troubling yes. So the elevator is now between floors, half open and without power? Very well, let us see what the manager makes of the situation…..
Manager: “You know there’s two elevators there right? This isn’t an emergency!”
Welp, guess your near death experience doesn’t remotely concern your building management. So we’ll just leave the dead elevator lodged between floors with the door half open into a gaping chasm and see what happens. I guess being trapped inside a pitch black death box for 20 minutes before having to physically pry open the doors to escape only qualifies as a “whacky adventure”. Silly me for thinking it was noteworthy.
......
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “No.”
Me: “No?”
SC: “No.”
Me: “………?”
SC: “……….”
….theeeen why did you call? Just for silent moral support? Just as a warning I don’t really provide any service besides placing orders. So I cannot provide any support, silent or otherwise. But if you really want, I can just try to quietly hang up now and you can listen to the silence of a dead line for a while and comfort yourself thinking someone is there. If I start going “boop boop boop” after a while, don’t be alarmed. That’s just my way of attempting to sooth you and offer my sympathies.
Coming To You Live
Me: “Good evening, <Company> Afterhours Emergency Line, how may I help you?”
SC: “Can I speak to Mark?”
Me: “Who, sorry?”
SC: “Is this the radio station?”
Me: “No, sorry.”
SC: “oh”
Yep, that’s us. <company> Afterhours Emergency Line 94.5 FM.
Parenting
Me: "Good eveni-"
SC: “Yeah, hey buddy!”
Wow, I hate you already! I think that’s a new record.
Me: “Alright, and the item number please?”
SC: “It’s…uh…on the first page. Xxxx”
Me: “What size?”
SC: “Large”
Kid in background: “No, medium.”
SC: “oh, uh, medium! Medium! I said large……no, medium, buddy.”
Me: “……Alright, anything else?”
SC: “No, that’s everything.”
Kid in background: “No it’s not!”
SC: “Well, what else then woman?!? What the FUCK!?”
……I’m sure you probably already realize this, and perhaps this is normal for your household. But you are berating a 6 year old girl like a drunken Jerry Springer guest.
SC: “Just hold on one second.”
Me: “Sure.”
SC: “Ok, here we go. Xxxx”
Me: “What size?”
SC: “Large again.”
Me: “Anything else?”
SC: “uuuh, medium, sorry.”
Me: “Medium?”
SC: “Yeah”
Me: “Alright-“
SC: “uhhh…..HEY AMY, FUCKING C’MERE AND READ THIS TO HIM.”
Me: “…….”
…..Jesus Christ, dude. She's 6. Ease up, asshole.
Poor Amy: “So, um, because he’s kinda blind-“
SC: “Shut the fuck up!”
Poor Amy: “er-it’s xxxx”
I see the love is mutual.
SC: “Okay buddy, right on. So all that and medium too.”
…I really do hate you, you know that right? Can you feel it? Perhaps as a mild burning sensation around your temples?
Me: “Alright, so xxxx-?”
SC: “That’s not the right fuckin' number Amy! That’s not the right number, buddy!”
....I think we both hate you.
Me: “…alright, is that everything?”
SC: “Yeah, that’s everything buddy!”
I’m not your buddy, pal.
ARJAHDJKAH
( Accursed blinds! )
SC: “I need some major help.”
Oi, ok.
Me: “Alright, with which model?”
SC: “Um, it’s the white one.”
Ah, so, all of them then.
Me: “Alright, but which one?”
SC: “It’s the one that goes up and down when you pull the cord.”
Ah, so…..all of them then.
Me: “Alright, but what’s the name of it on the box?”
SC: “It’s uh.....C-O...uh....C-O-M-P-A-N-Y...uh...comp?”
Me: “….yes, er….they’re all <company>. But do you know the name of yours specifically?”
Ah, so…..ALL OF THEM then.
SC: “Uhhh….S-T-O-R-E?”
Ah, so…..ALL OF THEM THEN.
SC:“It just says uh...b-l-i-n-d-s? It doesn’t give any kind of name. What kind of name are you looking for?”
Me: “It should have a big name on it right after COMPANY and before STORE”
SC: “Wha…..it just says….uhhhh…..for…single and double windows….COMPANY, uh, M-O-D-E-L N-A-M-E STORE Blinds-“
Me: “Ah, Model Name. That’s the name of it.”
If I could just stop you for a moment here. Do you mind if I ask a personal question? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want too. But just out of curiosity, do you call your father “Dad” and “Uncle” by chance?
Parent: Round 2
Kid: “Hello!”
Hello, obviously small child awake at 3am. Bad parenting is the running theme today, is it?
K: “I wuz wondering do you haf any hotal rooms left?”
Me: “In what city?”
K: “Do you have any rooms left?”
Me: “Alright, but do you know where you are?”
K: “Umm, Los….Luz….”
Dad: “Here, give me that! Geez.”
Hello terrible parent! How are you today? Feeling lazy were we? I’ve been thinking it over for a minute or so now and I really can’t think of any conceivable reason why you’d make a young child call to book your emergency accommodations for you at 3am. I don’t know, perhaps you think it’s “cute” ( It’s not. ). Really, the only time you should be sending a child that young to place a phone call to any sort of service for you is if you’re bleeding out on the kitchen floor and need an ambulance.
The Clan
I realize some of the northern clans have rather exotic names. However, your name is 8 letters long, only contains 2 letters, one of which is a vowel, the other of which is “Q” and Q is the majority. That is not a name, that is the sound a person makes right after snagging their genitals in their pants zipper.
Parenting: Round 3
I have long wonder amongst the years of dispatching disturbing large quantities of pants and hats to the outlaying areas of Canada precisely the how and why of it all. These orders are always COD, always in the middle of the night and their density and cost always spikes around a very specific time of the month.
I always suspected some sort of government assistance or social assistance payment was involved. However, I did not suspect the truth and must now curse a coworker ( Who is a former social worker ) for cluing me in. The calls spike every month approximately 2 weeks before the child welfare assistance cheques go out. Shipping takes approximately 2 weeks.....
To preface. We sell nothing for children. Nothing. Notta. Not a thing. All the clothing, shoes and other apparel in the catalog is adult sizes. And $400 MP3 sunglasses certainly aren't helping any ones kids unless "Making sure dad looks awesome" somehow ranks above food and shelter for them.
I wasn't aware it was possible for me to become even more bitter towards callers. Bravo!
Annnnd rest....
Can't Be That Important
SC: “Could you ask Bob to put up a sign on the bulletin board? I lost my bag with all my important medications in it. I sometimes use it to keep the elevator door open.”
Right, only moments into the call and I already have two key inquiries for you: Number one, why did you feel the need to physically jam the elevator door open for an extended period of time? Number two, if you really needed an elevator doorstop, why use your purse which, by your own admittance, is full of important drugs which may or may not be required to sustain your life?
If for some reason you really did need to wedge the elevator open, thus lodging the elevator in place on that floor and denying its use to every other tenant in the building who may depend on it to actually be able to physically depart the structure, why not just go grab a phone book or something? You know, something not loaded with life giving medication, cash, credit cards and all of your identification?
Since you somehow lost it while doing this, that implies you left it there to begin with. So you took arguably the most important object you carry on your person, used it as a door stop, and then left it for an extended period of time in the dead of night. Now, I’m not saying you’re an idiot per say…..I’m just heavily implying it in a roundabout fashion.
SC: “I think I left it on the 11th floor.”
The 11th floor? You jammed the elevator on the 11th floor? Are you sure one of your neighbour’s from the 20th floor didn’t spend 5 minutes pressing the button then hike down the stairs 8 floors only to discover your bag as the source of the problem? Possibly kicked it out of the way, dumped its contents through the gap in the floor down the elevator shaft, then tossed the remaining husk 11 floors down the stairwell? Just out of spite?
Let Me Tell You A Story
SC: “Your kit says it only fits windows up to 40 inches high. But mine is 50 inches. Will it still fit?"
And that, boys and girls, is the story of the easiest call I have ever taken.
Operation Frigid Beaver
Hello there, <name> family of <village>. You’ve become fervently regular customers in the last 48 hours and I’ve personally hand stamped a good $3000 worth of valuable clothes to cure your nudity. But the frequency and mass of your orders has me somewhat perplexed. Admittedly, each of you has a separate PO box, however you all share the last name and all live in the same town. Which leads me to believe the gene pool there is relatively thin. Whilst my interactions with you lead me to believe it also lacks chlorine. But I digress. I believe I have solved the pattern of your consumer madness.
I’ll admit I was perplexed at first, as I did not see any particular pattern in your item choices. Only a series of horrible, horrible colour choices ( Yellow, Hot Pink, Red, Maui Blue, Indigo Stomp? ). It wasn’t until this call in particular that the pattern emerged. When yet another member of the family called and ordered $700 worth of pants. Then it suddenly all made sense. Your relative before you, your consumer ancestor if you will, ordered a $500 mixture of shoes. The one before that ordered a mixture of t-shirts and sweaters. Each of you is ordering large quantities of only a singular class of item. You’ve effectively broken into apparel task forces each one handling only a single target.
I assume after the bulk of your dangerously gaudy items arrives, you will each grab a load of your chosen item and hold it aloft. Presumably screaming “Shirt!”, “Shoes!”, “Sweater!”, “Pants!”, “Heart!” in sequence in an attempt to summon Captain Colourblind.
Ok?
( Was a wrong number, first thing the guy said.. )
SC: “Yar, hi. Ma name be Dexteran’ I’m movin’ inta a house, yo.”
….congratulations, Dexter? I’m sure you’ll find a proper living structure to be a welcome step up from whatever cardboard box, dumpster or railway car your apparent level of education denoted you lived in previously.
.....
Me: “I’m afraid it’s still 2am locally-“
SC: “Ah, so are you working all alone tonight?”
…N..n….no. There’s, er, there’s lots of people here with me, yeah. Why, a whole room full of people! And a dog.
A big dog.
Can't Be That Important...?
C: “The elevator lost power and I was trapped inside for a while. I finally managed to pry the doors open and crawl out. The elevator company said I should call you.”
Hmm, that is most troubling yes. So the elevator is now between floors, half open and without power? Very well, let us see what the manager makes of the situation…..
Manager: “You know there’s two elevators there right? This isn’t an emergency!”
Welp, guess your near death experience doesn’t remotely concern your building management. So we’ll just leave the dead elevator lodged between floors with the door half open into a gaping chasm and see what happens. I guess being trapped inside a pitch black death box for 20 minutes before having to physically pry open the doors to escape only qualifies as a “whacky adventure”. Silly me for thinking it was noteworthy.
......
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “No.”
Me: “No?”
SC: “No.”
Me: “………?”
SC: “……….”
….theeeen why did you call? Just for silent moral support? Just as a warning I don’t really provide any service besides placing orders. So I cannot provide any support, silent or otherwise. But if you really want, I can just try to quietly hang up now and you can listen to the silence of a dead line for a while and comfort yourself thinking someone is there. If I start going “boop boop boop” after a while, don’t be alarmed. That’s just my way of attempting to sooth you and offer my sympathies.
Coming To You Live
Me: “Good evening, <Company> Afterhours Emergency Line, how may I help you?”
SC: “Can I speak to Mark?”
Me: “Who, sorry?”
SC: “Is this the radio station?”
Me: “No, sorry.”
SC: “oh”
Yep, that’s us. <company> Afterhours Emergency Line 94.5 FM.
Parenting
Me: "Good eveni-"
SC: “Yeah, hey buddy!”
Wow, I hate you already! I think that’s a new record.
Me: “Alright, and the item number please?”
SC: “It’s…uh…on the first page. Xxxx”
Me: “What size?”
SC: “Large”
Kid in background: “No, medium.”
SC: “oh, uh, medium! Medium! I said large……no, medium, buddy.”
Me: “……Alright, anything else?”
SC: “No, that’s everything.”
Kid in background: “No it’s not!”
SC: “Well, what else then woman?!? What the FUCK!?”
……I’m sure you probably already realize this, and perhaps this is normal for your household. But you are berating a 6 year old girl like a drunken Jerry Springer guest.
SC: “Just hold on one second.”
Me: “Sure.”
SC: “Ok, here we go. Xxxx”
Me: “What size?”
SC: “Large again.”
Me: “Anything else?”
SC: “uuuh, medium, sorry.”
Me: “Medium?”
SC: “Yeah”
Me: “Alright-“
SC: “uhhh…..HEY AMY, FUCKING C’MERE AND READ THIS TO HIM.”
Me: “…….”
…..Jesus Christ, dude. She's 6. Ease up, asshole.
Poor Amy: “So, um, because he’s kinda blind-“
SC: “Shut the fuck up!”
Poor Amy: “er-it’s xxxx”
I see the love is mutual.
SC: “Okay buddy, right on. So all that and medium too.”
…I really do hate you, you know that right? Can you feel it? Perhaps as a mild burning sensation around your temples?
Me: “Alright, so xxxx-?”
SC: “That’s not the right fuckin' number Amy! That’s not the right number, buddy!”
....I think we both hate you.
Me: “…alright, is that everything?”
SC: “Yeah, that’s everything buddy!”
I’m not your buddy, pal.
ARJAHDJKAH
( Accursed blinds! )
SC: “I need some major help.”
Oi, ok.
Me: “Alright, with which model?”
SC: “Um, it’s the white one.”
Ah, so, all of them then.
Me: “Alright, but which one?”
SC: “It’s the one that goes up and down when you pull the cord.”
Ah, so…..all of them then.
Me: “Alright, but what’s the name of it on the box?”
SC: “It’s uh.....C-O...uh....C-O-M-P-A-N-Y...uh...comp?”
Me: “….yes, er….they’re all <company>. But do you know the name of yours specifically?”
Ah, so…..ALL OF THEM then.
SC: “Uhhh….S-T-O-R-E?”
Ah, so…..ALL OF THEM THEN.
SC:“It just says uh...b-l-i-n-d-s? It doesn’t give any kind of name. What kind of name are you looking for?”
Me: “It should have a big name on it right after COMPANY and before STORE”
SC: “Wha…..it just says….uhhhh…..for…single and double windows….COMPANY, uh, M-O-D-E-L N-A-M-E STORE Blinds-“
Me: “Ah, Model Name. That’s the name of it.”
If I could just stop you for a moment here. Do you mind if I ask a personal question? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want too. But just out of curiosity, do you call your father “Dad” and “Uncle” by chance?
Parent: Round 2
Kid: “Hello!”
Hello, obviously small child awake at 3am. Bad parenting is the running theme today, is it?
K: “I wuz wondering do you haf any hotal rooms left?”
Me: “In what city?”
K: “Do you have any rooms left?”
Me: “Alright, but do you know where you are?”
K: “Umm, Los….Luz….”
Dad: “Here, give me that! Geez.”
Hello terrible parent! How are you today? Feeling lazy were we? I’ve been thinking it over for a minute or so now and I really can’t think of any conceivable reason why you’d make a young child call to book your emergency accommodations for you at 3am. I don’t know, perhaps you think it’s “cute” ( It’s not. ). Really, the only time you should be sending a child that young to place a phone call to any sort of service for you is if you’re bleeding out on the kitchen floor and need an ambulance.
The Clan
I realize some of the northern clans have rather exotic names. However, your name is 8 letters long, only contains 2 letters, one of which is a vowel, the other of which is “Q” and Q is the majority. That is not a name, that is the sound a person makes right after snagging their genitals in their pants zipper.
Parenting: Round 3
I have long wonder amongst the years of dispatching disturbing large quantities of pants and hats to the outlaying areas of Canada precisely the how and why of it all. These orders are always COD, always in the middle of the night and their density and cost always spikes around a very specific time of the month.
I always suspected some sort of government assistance or social assistance payment was involved. However, I did not suspect the truth and must now curse a coworker ( Who is a former social worker ) for cluing me in. The calls spike every month approximately 2 weeks before the child welfare assistance cheques go out. Shipping takes approximately 2 weeks.....
To preface. We sell nothing for children. Nothing. Notta. Not a thing. All the clothing, shoes and other apparel in the catalog is adult sizes. And $400 MP3 sunglasses certainly aren't helping any ones kids unless "Making sure dad looks awesome" somehow ranks above food and shelter for them.
I wasn't aware it was possible for me to become even more bitter towards callers. Bravo!
Annnnd rest....
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