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I answered the phone when you called today. I answered the phone when you called last week. I probably even answered the phone if you called last year.
I can answer most simple questions you have, so please, when I ask if I can help you, try and let me help you. If you need a phone number, a fax number, an address, an e-mail address, directions, have a questions about if a piece of correspondence or a motion or pleading has been sent, any thing of that sort, you will be transferred back to me, so please, save yourself the time and the hassle.
If I ask for your name, I am not trying to dig into your personal life. I really don’t care, honestly. But my lawyers like to know who they’re talking to. They don’t like to be told “There’s a male on line 4". If I tell them that, they will most likely say “I’m busy, take a message” and you will begin that endless game of phone tag that they couldn’t care less about but you so obviously hate. Please, just give me your name and let’s get this over with.
Same if I ask if they will know what this is regarding. You may think that your case is oh so very important and that every one in the world should and would know who you are and what it is you “supposedly” did, but unless you have actually spoken to one of our lawyers, they will not know who you are or what is going on. We cannot read minds, we cannot see the future and we have no earthly idea who you are nor, in all honesty, do we really care.
Each of my lawyers has over 25 clients at any given time. We have 15 lawyers. That is, at the absolute minimum, 325 clients at any given moment. Look at that again. Three hundred and twenty five. I try very hard to remember all the clients, but I am only one person. Please do not get upset with me if I do not recognize your voice or your name right away, and please do not scream at me if I do not know your phone number. I can barely remember my own phone number some days, much less 3 or 4 separate phone numbers for each of 325 clients. I am only one person.
Yes I am female. Yes I have a boyfriend. Yes I have a child. No I do not want to date you. No I do not want your number. No I do not want to talk to you about my baby or my boyfriend or my family or my life. I don’t really care about yours either. I don’t want to know about who you had sex with last night or how many people you are going to “have your way with” this weekend. It kind of creeps me out. You will have to come into the office and I will have to see you face to face. Do not make it any more weird and awkward than it already is. You are accused of doing something very wrong to be our client. Do not make me more wary of you than I am to begin with.
We, the assistants, are the first line of judgment in this firm. The person you want to be your lawyer will ask me if I think you are guilty or if I think we should take the case. It you are a complete and total jerk to me, I’m not going to want to work with you. This means your case will either be turned down or the lawyer will charge you a much higher fee than he might have, to cover my having to put up with your sorry ass.
I do not speak Spanish, Japanese or Korean and I sure as hell and anything do not speak Eubonics. Do not ask me where your lawyer “be at” and do not expect me to understand you if your mouth is so full of chewing tobacco that you sound like you’re speaking gibberish. Learn to speak English and speak it clearly.
I went to school. I have a degree. I happen to like the law and I don’t want to be a lawyer. Do not assume that because I am an “assistant” I am a) sleeping with the boss (that’s disgusting – he’s married with two grandkids and is old enough to be my grandfather!), b) stupid or uneducated (just trust me on that one) or c) a sex object for anyone that comes in. I work just as hard, if not harder, as the lawyers on every case we handle. I know what’s going on in them better than the lawyers do sometimes. Trust me on this one.
Don’t piss me off. Be nice to me on the phone. Your life is in our hands here, don’t you want us to want to help you?
(sorry. needed to rant for a few minutes. Can you tell I'm dealing with MY kind of SCs? *sigh* I hate my job)
I can answer most simple questions you have, so please, when I ask if I can help you, try and let me help you. If you need a phone number, a fax number, an address, an e-mail address, directions, have a questions about if a piece of correspondence or a motion or pleading has been sent, any thing of that sort, you will be transferred back to me, so please, save yourself the time and the hassle.
If I ask for your name, I am not trying to dig into your personal life. I really don’t care, honestly. But my lawyers like to know who they’re talking to. They don’t like to be told “There’s a male on line 4". If I tell them that, they will most likely say “I’m busy, take a message” and you will begin that endless game of phone tag that they couldn’t care less about but you so obviously hate. Please, just give me your name and let’s get this over with.
Same if I ask if they will know what this is regarding. You may think that your case is oh so very important and that every one in the world should and would know who you are and what it is you “supposedly” did, but unless you have actually spoken to one of our lawyers, they will not know who you are or what is going on. We cannot read minds, we cannot see the future and we have no earthly idea who you are nor, in all honesty, do we really care.
Each of my lawyers has over 25 clients at any given time. We have 15 lawyers. That is, at the absolute minimum, 325 clients at any given moment. Look at that again. Three hundred and twenty five. I try very hard to remember all the clients, but I am only one person. Please do not get upset with me if I do not recognize your voice or your name right away, and please do not scream at me if I do not know your phone number. I can barely remember my own phone number some days, much less 3 or 4 separate phone numbers for each of 325 clients. I am only one person.
Yes I am female. Yes I have a boyfriend. Yes I have a child. No I do not want to date you. No I do not want your number. No I do not want to talk to you about my baby or my boyfriend or my family or my life. I don’t really care about yours either. I don’t want to know about who you had sex with last night or how many people you are going to “have your way with” this weekend. It kind of creeps me out. You will have to come into the office and I will have to see you face to face. Do not make it any more weird and awkward than it already is. You are accused of doing something very wrong to be our client. Do not make me more wary of you than I am to begin with.
We, the assistants, are the first line of judgment in this firm. The person you want to be your lawyer will ask me if I think you are guilty or if I think we should take the case. It you are a complete and total jerk to me, I’m not going to want to work with you. This means your case will either be turned down or the lawyer will charge you a much higher fee than he might have, to cover my having to put up with your sorry ass.
I do not speak Spanish, Japanese or Korean and I sure as hell and anything do not speak Eubonics. Do not ask me where your lawyer “be at” and do not expect me to understand you if your mouth is so full of chewing tobacco that you sound like you’re speaking gibberish. Learn to speak English and speak it clearly.
I went to school. I have a degree. I happen to like the law and I don’t want to be a lawyer. Do not assume that because I am an “assistant” I am a) sleeping with the boss (that’s disgusting – he’s married with two grandkids and is old enough to be my grandfather!), b) stupid or uneducated (just trust me on that one) or c) a sex object for anyone that comes in. I work just as hard, if not harder, as the lawyers on every case we handle. I know what’s going on in them better than the lawyers do sometimes. Trust me on this one.
Don’t piss me off. Be nice to me on the phone. Your life is in our hands here, don’t you want us to want to help you?
(sorry. needed to rant for a few minutes. Can you tell I'm dealing with MY kind of SCs? *sigh* I hate my job)
Forget "under the jail", just introduce him to Mr. Chipper and let him fertilize the jail lawn! 
I really shouldn't come on here when I'm eating...
That guy actually wanted to touch your belly? That's one shudder that is not going away.
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