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Right and Left
Are apparently difficult concepts. >.>
Cause and Effect
You’re not going to score many points on the ol’ Sympathy Meter when you call and specifically ask to speak to someone you can yell and swear at. Yes, I’m serious. He called and asked to speak with someone he could scream and yell at because he was unsatisfied with our services. That’s pretty much going to eliminate any desire I might have had to assist you right there. You really may as well have called up and said “Oh hi, I’m calling to be an asshole, can you help me?”.
So what horrible transgression did we commit against him and his kin to warrant this? Oh, well, he had to wait on hold. No, really? You mean ( by your own admission no less ) there’s an entire airport full of people trying to book hotel rooms at the same time in the same city and you had to wait your turn? Gasp! Truly this is a crime against humanity as a whole! We should have one operator on duty for every single potential caller just so no one has to bear the cruel inhumanity of having to have patience or understanding during unforeseen events. There should just be 2000 of us sitting in the call centre 24/7, waiting so we can all take one 2 minute call at the same time then go home.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but in addition to manners, decency and patience there appears to be one other concept you are utterly unfamiliar with: It is called “Cause and effect”. I know it can be a bit complicated, as it does require mentally connecting all of two dots. Which is surely a feat you’ve never attempted before. But I am positive that with some training, study and practical exercises we can get on the road to basic situational awareness.
Perhaps if we shoved you outside in the rain over and over until you manage to figure out why you keep getting wet.
Hmmm, Nope
Me: “Alright, I can put you at <hotel> for $xx”
SC: “No, YOU’RE paying for it!”
Hahaha, ahhh, that’s a good o-….wait you’re serious aren’t you? ……hahaha! Ahhhh.
You so crazy.
Amenities
See the large huddled mass of miserable, angry people around you that were all on the same airline as you? Notice how they’re all on phones as well, desperately clutching courtesy lists for a hotel room? Yeah? Ok, follow along with me here. I only have so many rooms to begin with. They are all discount rooms. Everyone within a half mile radius of you is trying to get one. That said…
No, the hotel probably does not have a continental breakfast, a pool or a gym. It likely does not have room service. I doubt it has a 24 hour restaurant. There is no spa. No one is going to carry your luggage for you. It is doubtful attractive Hispanic women in maid uniforms ( Sorry, "Chicas" ) will be on hand at any point to pass you a warm towel and it is highly unlikely the bellboy will hand feed you cherries in bed. At least not without a substantial cash incentive.
It is 1am. The only hotels I have are the ones that are willing to take your sorry ass in for a discount out of pity for you being stranded in the middle of the night. There are only 3 things you can hope for at this point: A roof over your head, clean sheets and a remote control that is not tethered to the night stand. Pick 2.
Mr I Am The Law
C: “Hi, this is Officer Pigg”
Me: “Sorry, how do you spell your name?”
C: “P-I-G-G”
No offense, but you’d think this would be the one profession you would avoid amongst all others. Although…..perhaps you are far more cunning then I am giving you credit for. Yes, yes you are. I commend you, Officer Pigg. You took what could have been a laughable absurdity and elevated into a weapon of justice.
How you ask? Well, just think about it. If you were ever stopped or pulled over by Offficer Pigg, what is the first thing that would go through your mind after he told you his name? It would probably be something to the effect of “Oh god, don’t laugh, I don’t want to be tazed!”. Then you would shut the hell up and say nothing except “Yes, Officer” and “No, Officer” for fear your mirth would betray you and your laughter would become to opening 10 seconds of a shakey Youtube video shot on a cell phone.
Which is exactly how he wants you to behave. Don’t you see? It’s perfect.
A Coworker, Perhaps?
Me: “And your name please?”
C: “Mimi Valentine.”
…….have you met Aurora Chocolate?
Good For You!
Me: “And your first name please?”
SC: “Roxie!”
Me: “How do you spell it please?”
SC: “R-O-X-I-E!”
….I almost feel like I should pat you on the head. You sound so proud of yourself. Like you just learned how to spell it yesterday. Which….I’ll admit is within the realm of possibility for some callers on this line.
The Good Shit
SC: “I’m located in <city>. I’m located in the <building name>. I’m located in the high rise. I’m located in <suite number>.”
You’re located in the living room. You’re located on the couch. You’re located on the 3rd pillow from the right. You’re located right above that off colour stain where the dog whizzed on it that one night when your dad slipped a can of Coors Light into his water dish.
SC: “The whole building got sprayed. I just got home from the hospital, I’ll explain that later.”
I'd really rather you didn't.
SC: “I was j-oh good, they’re gone-st”
….whose gone? I’m beginning to get the impression the hospital gave you some really good stuff while you were there.
SC: “And then uh, then I look over to shut my light off and I FIND ONE ON MY WALL.”
……one what? Gremlin? House Elf?
SC: “Why should that be? Spraying from the 21st floor to the 16th floor. My leg was hit by a car, ok!”
……what? One what? What the hell are you talking about? Focus girl, focus. I don’t know if they gave you some sort of complimentary morphine juice box as a parting gift, but stop squeezing it for a second and try and stay on track here.
SC: “I’ve got really intense injuries and one bite me or two bit me. So now I’m on Vancomycin. One of the highest drug series to kill bacteria. Cus when I was in the hospital I got MRX, right?”
Me: “Alright, what exactly do you need maintenance for?”
SC: “What do I need maintenance for? I just found a bug on my wall!!”
Thank you. Cripes. That wasn’t so hard was it?
SC: “Cus I just got home from the hospital. Cus I had to spend a day in the hospital. I have to spent a day in the hospital next week-“
Wait wait, go back to the bug! Focus! Don’t lose it now! You were so close to making sense!
SC: “Like I went go shut off my light and uh, and I found one underneath my light last night. Just to kinda look and I went Oh My Goodness! GASP! ( Yes, she actually gasped for dramatic effect ). Oh its just something on the wall so I touched it. So my baseboard is right there, right, so they go right there. So uh, yeah.”
Me: “Alright, I’ll let the maintenance guy know then”
SC: “This place is so bad.”
Me: “I will let them know regarding the....bug.”
SC: “Oh, who do I talk to about my leg than?”
Me: “I wouldn’t know, sorry. I’m only building maintenance”
SC: “Oh, you’re only building maintenance?! Oh, I’m sorry.”
….wait, who exactly did you think I was this entire time? Or perhaps a better question: Who or what service in the world combines building maintenance, pest control and medical assistance? Is there some sort of roaming municipal ambulance service that has two paramedics, a carpenter and a raccoon trapper in the back all in one helpful vehicular package?
And if you were responding to a Code Fur if you will, are you allowed to turn on the lights and sirens for that? Or is it more a case where you just turn on the lights and sort of obey traffic laws?
Pro Tip
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “That’s uh…that’s...um.....thats four so far?”
Me: “Yes, that’s four.”
You seem to have lost track at an alarmingly low number. I’m quite positive I know the primary method of calculation used that far north so I can only assume you are down a couple of digits. Possibly due to some sort of tragic drunken wager that involved a polar bear and a reach around. This is a complex hurdle to overcome, but do not worry my northern friend, I am here for you, and I can help.
You have two options here really: You can switch the phone to your other hand, thus giving you the full five to work with again. Unless you made two attempts on the bear, in which case this might be a tad more difficult. In that case, feel free to take off one of your socks and use your toes as a method of calculation instead. You must have at least 6 of those to work with. Why, you could even order two more hats rather than one.
Hello, Maritimes.
Hello, Maritimes. I know you and I haven’t spoken in quite some time, and I haven’t even dropped by to visit in 15 years or so. But we need to have a talk, you and I. You see, there are some, well, reasons I don’t visit that I think we need to discuss. A few, well, let’s call them problems that you have that keep me away.
Number 1: Just because you’re awake, doesn’t mean everyone else is.
I know, its Sunday, which means you’ve been up since 3:45am getting ready for church. Believe me, I have been there and I am quite positive my grandparents, despite being at around 148 years old by now, still get up at unholy hours to prepare to partake in something holy. This is all well and done. But just because you are up before even the sun itself has remembered that it exists, doesn’t mean everyone else is.
So this is a good time to get up, get dressed, have breakfast, relax a little. Watch the CBC morning news. Hit up Timmy's. But it is not a good time to shop around for garden tiles. Yes, our marvelous products come in a variety of styles and colours. None of which you can actually see until daylight.
Number 2: I don’t want to chat.
I know that absolutely no verbal exchange in the Maritimes can take place without at least a 20-45 minute update on one’s immediate family, extended family, any and all pets or live stock owned by any member of the immediate or extended family, any property owned by any member of the immediate or extended family and the current medical status of every member of the immediate and extended family.
I know this all too well and fear it whenever I speak to any member of my family that lives any further east than Ontario. But that said, please restrict this massive exchange of data to face to face verbal exchanges only. It has no place midway through a conversation about gardening wherein you are merely leaving contact information to arrange for a call back from a rep.
When I ask “What would be the best time to contact you?” that is quite literally what I mean. I do not mean “Please tell me the exact plan and routine of your entire day as well as your wife’s entire day including where you live, where you work, where you’ll be, what hobbies you’ll have, why you have them and how your children are doing.”. That is not what I asked.
I realize that perhaps a maritime accent implies a request for this information and lord knows I have spent 15 years attempting to eliminate said accent from my speech ( and 5 years eliminating the French accent. Don't ask. ). If any remnants remain, I apologize. But please understand I have moved on now, and can no longer love you as I once did.
Number 3: Go do something constructive.
If you have time to sit on hold for 15 minutes during a busy rush at 5am your time just to talk about your damn garden, than you have gotten up too early. Go back to bed. There is obviously nothing you need to be doing at this moment that can prevent you from gaining additional Z’s. If you truly must be up this early with such a void in your schedule, consider taking up a hobby such as clam digging, carpentry or lobster fishing. At least one of the three is readily available within a block of you no matter where you live in the Maritimes.
Don’t try to claim otherwise either. I know, I’ve been there. I know how to dig for claims, build a table or check a lobster trap. God help me I know. I don’t want to but I do. I also know how to ice fish, drive a snow mobile and play 10 cards of Bingo at the same time. Do you see what you’ve done to me?!
<sob>
What were we talking about again? Oh right. Go back to bed.
I Think Not
“We really didn’t understand your right and left. So we accidental bought the left handed model for a right handed door”
……as far as I’m aware, we use the standard definition of “right” and “left”.
SC: “Is there any way to just reverse mount it?”
You want me to help you improperly install the wrong kit for your door? ….no, no I don’t think so. The term “Liablity” leaps to the forefront of my mind. Perhaps you should simply return it and get the right right kit?
SC: “Well, you see store isn’t really just around the corner from us.”
“Help me forcibly install this improperly on the wrong door because the store is too far away to bother”? Right-o. Well, I’m convinced! Lets wedge that bad boy in there somehow! Hope you have a sledgehammer and the rest of the afternoon off.
Special
There is a special, rather specific category of transit rider on the bus whose frequency of appearance is becoming alarming. Before, I thought of them only as rare curiosity. Spotted only once in a blue moon amongst the denizens of the night. An oddity amongst the transit wild life. The rare white elk if you will. If that elk had been born face down in a runoff ditch outside of a brewery.
I speak of course of the people who, for some bizarre reason, feel compelled to pull the stop cord or hit one of the stop buttons right before the last stop the bus makes. As if the driver of the bus named after the last stop is unaware that he has to stop the bus at that stop unless you yank the cord as he’s turning into the station. Like he was just about to do a couple laps around the bus loop then head right on back out with everyone still on board.
The poor guy’s entire job consists of driving from point A to point B over and over again for 8+ hours a day with you iPod equipped farm animals hanging out in the back the entire time. I think he knows where he’s going. I also think he’s vividly aware of every single point along the trip where there’s some small chance he can get rid of you. I also think he’s vividly aware that if he makes it to the last stop he gets a 15-30 minute break of merciful silence.
So rest assured my apparently damaged fellow riders, he does know where to go and when to stop.
Annnnd rest.
Cause and Effect
You’re not going to score many points on the ol’ Sympathy Meter when you call and specifically ask to speak to someone you can yell and swear at. Yes, I’m serious. He called and asked to speak with someone he could scream and yell at because he was unsatisfied with our services. That’s pretty much going to eliminate any desire I might have had to assist you right there. You really may as well have called up and said “Oh hi, I’m calling to be an asshole, can you help me?”.
So what horrible transgression did we commit against him and his kin to warrant this? Oh, well, he had to wait on hold. No, really? You mean ( by your own admission no less ) there’s an entire airport full of people trying to book hotel rooms at the same time in the same city and you had to wait your turn? Gasp! Truly this is a crime against humanity as a whole! We should have one operator on duty for every single potential caller just so no one has to bear the cruel inhumanity of having to have patience or understanding during unforeseen events. There should just be 2000 of us sitting in the call centre 24/7, waiting so we can all take one 2 minute call at the same time then go home.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but in addition to manners, decency and patience there appears to be one other concept you are utterly unfamiliar with: It is called “Cause and effect”. I know it can be a bit complicated, as it does require mentally connecting all of two dots. Which is surely a feat you’ve never attempted before. But I am positive that with some training, study and practical exercises we can get on the road to basic situational awareness.
Perhaps if we shoved you outside in the rain over and over until you manage to figure out why you keep getting wet.
Hmmm, Nope
Me: “Alright, I can put you at <hotel> for $xx”
SC: “No, YOU’RE paying for it!”
Hahaha, ahhh, that’s a good o-….wait you’re serious aren’t you? ……hahaha! Ahhhh.
You so crazy.
Amenities
See the large huddled mass of miserable, angry people around you that were all on the same airline as you? Notice how they’re all on phones as well, desperately clutching courtesy lists for a hotel room? Yeah? Ok, follow along with me here. I only have so many rooms to begin with. They are all discount rooms. Everyone within a half mile radius of you is trying to get one. That said…
No, the hotel probably does not have a continental breakfast, a pool or a gym. It likely does not have room service. I doubt it has a 24 hour restaurant. There is no spa. No one is going to carry your luggage for you. It is doubtful attractive Hispanic women in maid uniforms ( Sorry, "Chicas" ) will be on hand at any point to pass you a warm towel and it is highly unlikely the bellboy will hand feed you cherries in bed. At least not without a substantial cash incentive.
It is 1am. The only hotels I have are the ones that are willing to take your sorry ass in for a discount out of pity for you being stranded in the middle of the night. There are only 3 things you can hope for at this point: A roof over your head, clean sheets and a remote control that is not tethered to the night stand. Pick 2.
Mr I Am The Law
C: “Hi, this is Officer Pigg”
Me: “Sorry, how do you spell your name?”
C: “P-I-G-G”
No offense, but you’d think this would be the one profession you would avoid amongst all others. Although…..perhaps you are far more cunning then I am giving you credit for. Yes, yes you are. I commend you, Officer Pigg. You took what could have been a laughable absurdity and elevated into a weapon of justice.
How you ask? Well, just think about it. If you were ever stopped or pulled over by Offficer Pigg, what is the first thing that would go through your mind after he told you his name? It would probably be something to the effect of “Oh god, don’t laugh, I don’t want to be tazed!”. Then you would shut the hell up and say nothing except “Yes, Officer” and “No, Officer” for fear your mirth would betray you and your laughter would become to opening 10 seconds of a shakey Youtube video shot on a cell phone.
Which is exactly how he wants you to behave. Don’t you see? It’s perfect.
A Coworker, Perhaps?
Me: “And your name please?”
C: “Mimi Valentine.”
…….have you met Aurora Chocolate?
Good For You!
Me: “And your first name please?”
SC: “Roxie!”
Me: “How do you spell it please?”
SC: “R-O-X-I-E!”
….I almost feel like I should pat you on the head. You sound so proud of yourself. Like you just learned how to spell it yesterday. Which….I’ll admit is within the realm of possibility for some callers on this line.
The Good Shit
SC: “I’m located in <city>. I’m located in the <building name>. I’m located in the high rise. I’m located in <suite number>.”
You’re located in the living room. You’re located on the couch. You’re located on the 3rd pillow from the right. You’re located right above that off colour stain where the dog whizzed on it that one night when your dad slipped a can of Coors Light into his water dish.
SC: “The whole building got sprayed. I just got home from the hospital, I’ll explain that later.”
I'd really rather you didn't.
SC: “I was j-oh good, they’re gone-st”
….whose gone? I’m beginning to get the impression the hospital gave you some really good stuff while you were there.
SC: “And then uh, then I look over to shut my light off and I FIND ONE ON MY WALL.”
……one what? Gremlin? House Elf?
SC: “Why should that be? Spraying from the 21st floor to the 16th floor. My leg was hit by a car, ok!”
……what? One what? What the hell are you talking about? Focus girl, focus. I don’t know if they gave you some sort of complimentary morphine juice box as a parting gift, but stop squeezing it for a second and try and stay on track here.
SC: “I’ve got really intense injuries and one bite me or two bit me. So now I’m on Vancomycin. One of the highest drug series to kill bacteria. Cus when I was in the hospital I got MRX, right?”
Me: “Alright, what exactly do you need maintenance for?”
SC: “What do I need maintenance for? I just found a bug on my wall!!”
Thank you. Cripes. That wasn’t so hard was it?
SC: “Cus I just got home from the hospital. Cus I had to spend a day in the hospital. I have to spent a day in the hospital next week-“
Wait wait, go back to the bug! Focus! Don’t lose it now! You were so close to making sense!
SC: “Like I went go shut off my light and uh, and I found one underneath my light last night. Just to kinda look and I went Oh My Goodness! GASP! ( Yes, she actually gasped for dramatic effect ). Oh its just something on the wall so I touched it. So my baseboard is right there, right, so they go right there. So uh, yeah.”
Me: “Alright, I’ll let the maintenance guy know then”
SC: “This place is so bad.”
Me: “I will let them know regarding the....bug.”
SC: “Oh, who do I talk to about my leg than?”
Me: “I wouldn’t know, sorry. I’m only building maintenance”
SC: “Oh, you’re only building maintenance?! Oh, I’m sorry.”
….wait, who exactly did you think I was this entire time? Or perhaps a better question: Who or what service in the world combines building maintenance, pest control and medical assistance? Is there some sort of roaming municipal ambulance service that has two paramedics, a carpenter and a raccoon trapper in the back all in one helpful vehicular package?
And if you were responding to a Code Fur if you will, are you allowed to turn on the lights and sirens for that? Or is it more a case where you just turn on the lights and sort of obey traffic laws?
Pro Tip
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “That’s uh…that’s...um.....thats four so far?”
Me: “Yes, that’s four.”
You seem to have lost track at an alarmingly low number. I’m quite positive I know the primary method of calculation used that far north so I can only assume you are down a couple of digits. Possibly due to some sort of tragic drunken wager that involved a polar bear and a reach around. This is a complex hurdle to overcome, but do not worry my northern friend, I am here for you, and I can help.
You have two options here really: You can switch the phone to your other hand, thus giving you the full five to work with again. Unless you made two attempts on the bear, in which case this might be a tad more difficult. In that case, feel free to take off one of your socks and use your toes as a method of calculation instead. You must have at least 6 of those to work with. Why, you could even order two more hats rather than one.
Hello, Maritimes.
Hello, Maritimes. I know you and I haven’t spoken in quite some time, and I haven’t even dropped by to visit in 15 years or so. But we need to have a talk, you and I. You see, there are some, well, reasons I don’t visit that I think we need to discuss. A few, well, let’s call them problems that you have that keep me away.
Number 1: Just because you’re awake, doesn’t mean everyone else is.
I know, its Sunday, which means you’ve been up since 3:45am getting ready for church. Believe me, I have been there and I am quite positive my grandparents, despite being at around 148 years old by now, still get up at unholy hours to prepare to partake in something holy. This is all well and done. But just because you are up before even the sun itself has remembered that it exists, doesn’t mean everyone else is.
So this is a good time to get up, get dressed, have breakfast, relax a little. Watch the CBC morning news. Hit up Timmy's. But it is not a good time to shop around for garden tiles. Yes, our marvelous products come in a variety of styles and colours. None of which you can actually see until daylight.
Number 2: I don’t want to chat.
I know that absolutely no verbal exchange in the Maritimes can take place without at least a 20-45 minute update on one’s immediate family, extended family, any and all pets or live stock owned by any member of the immediate or extended family, any property owned by any member of the immediate or extended family and the current medical status of every member of the immediate and extended family.
I know this all too well and fear it whenever I speak to any member of my family that lives any further east than Ontario. But that said, please restrict this massive exchange of data to face to face verbal exchanges only. It has no place midway through a conversation about gardening wherein you are merely leaving contact information to arrange for a call back from a rep.
When I ask “What would be the best time to contact you?” that is quite literally what I mean. I do not mean “Please tell me the exact plan and routine of your entire day as well as your wife’s entire day including where you live, where you work, where you’ll be, what hobbies you’ll have, why you have them and how your children are doing.”. That is not what I asked.
I realize that perhaps a maritime accent implies a request for this information and lord knows I have spent 15 years attempting to eliminate said accent from my speech ( and 5 years eliminating the French accent. Don't ask. ). If any remnants remain, I apologize. But please understand I have moved on now, and can no longer love you as I once did.
Number 3: Go do something constructive.
If you have time to sit on hold for 15 minutes during a busy rush at 5am your time just to talk about your damn garden, than you have gotten up too early. Go back to bed. There is obviously nothing you need to be doing at this moment that can prevent you from gaining additional Z’s. If you truly must be up this early with such a void in your schedule, consider taking up a hobby such as clam digging, carpentry or lobster fishing. At least one of the three is readily available within a block of you no matter where you live in the Maritimes.
Don’t try to claim otherwise either. I know, I’ve been there. I know how to dig for claims, build a table or check a lobster trap. God help me I know. I don’t want to but I do. I also know how to ice fish, drive a snow mobile and play 10 cards of Bingo at the same time. Do you see what you’ve done to me?!
<sob>
What were we talking about again? Oh right. Go back to bed.
I Think Not
“We really didn’t understand your right and left. So we accidental bought the left handed model for a right handed door”
……as far as I’m aware, we use the standard definition of “right” and “left”.
SC: “Is there any way to just reverse mount it?”
You want me to help you improperly install the wrong kit for your door? ….no, no I don’t think so. The term “Liablity” leaps to the forefront of my mind. Perhaps you should simply return it and get the right right kit?
SC: “Well, you see store isn’t really just around the corner from us.”
“Help me forcibly install this improperly on the wrong door because the store is too far away to bother”? Right-o. Well, I’m convinced! Lets wedge that bad boy in there somehow! Hope you have a sledgehammer and the rest of the afternoon off.
Special
There is a special, rather specific category of transit rider on the bus whose frequency of appearance is becoming alarming. Before, I thought of them only as rare curiosity. Spotted only once in a blue moon amongst the denizens of the night. An oddity amongst the transit wild life. The rare white elk if you will. If that elk had been born face down in a runoff ditch outside of a brewery.
I speak of course of the people who, for some bizarre reason, feel compelled to pull the stop cord or hit one of the stop buttons right before the last stop the bus makes. As if the driver of the bus named after the last stop is unaware that he has to stop the bus at that stop unless you yank the cord as he’s turning into the station. Like he was just about to do a couple laps around the bus loop then head right on back out with everyone still on board.
The poor guy’s entire job consists of driving from point A to point B over and over again for 8+ hours a day with you iPod equipped farm animals hanging out in the back the entire time. I think he knows where he’s going. I also think he’s vividly aware of every single point along the trip where there’s some small chance he can get rid of you. I also think he’s vividly aware that if he makes it to the last stop he gets a 15-30 minute break of merciful silence.
So rest assured my apparently damaged fellow riders, he does know where to go and when to stop.
Annnnd rest.
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