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Calls from over the holiday....
Tech Support
Me: "You may have to call back in half an hour when the office opens"
SC: "So you're not a person then?"
Indeed not, I am but a lowly drone toiling away in the salt mines, wishing to once again see the light of day so that I may have but one last glimpse at happiness before the crushing darkness of the cavern walls strangles the last wisp of life from my frail, worn body.
Also, you're a half-wit.
Doctor's Offices
SC: "There's a problem with my face!"
Ok? Are we talking like a fat lip kind of problem or more of Michael Jackson "My nose detachs so you can peer into the dark void beyond that is my soul" kind of problem?
Alrighty
"Let me activate my cell phone!!"
Wait! Let me find my stapler and activate my calculator! Then we shall form VOLTON!
Orderlines
"I'm about 185lbs, what size is that?"
......(sob). Here's what you want to do: Go find a measuring tape. It’s a sort of yellow strip thingie with numbers on it. Check around the garage under the empty beer bottles if you have too. The numbers are important, so keep them in mind. Now take that measuring tape, stay with me here, wrap it around your ankles as many times as you can get it. Now go throw yourself in a river.
Grrr...
The best way to ensure optimum customer service from me is NOT to accuse me of being a thief the second I pick up the line. Your incoherent ranting did not help matters either. I have no idea what "Eyes in front of your teeth" means. You also seemed confused when I informed you we were afterhours as its 1 in the morning.
I am also not "one of them", whatever the hell that means.
Please put the phone down and go back to your cage. Someone has obviously let you out by mistake.
Legal Aid
SC: "Hey, my friend was arrested at a road stop. When can I pick him up?"
In 5-10 years? Why ask me that anyway? Perhaps you should ask the cops? At least if you ask them stupid questions they have the luxury of tazering you. I have no such option.
Praise Jeebus
Caller indicated he was a priest and part of a church group that was working from a small budget. Thus he asked if I could find him a low rate at a hotel where they have a "fear of the Lord." and would give him the cheapest rate possible.
Approximately 30 seconds later he asked me if I could find him a hotel with a pool. If he was going to be stuck there till tomorrow afternoon he wanted a pool. Tight budget, eh? You should be thankful the Lord doesn't see fit to make you sleep on a bench in the airport.
Legal Aid 2
Caller indicated he was charged with "Breach of something" but he was unsure what. Breach of Something? Isn't that where you get drunk and wake up naked in a field next to a sheep?
Lottery Lines
( After ordering her tickets....)
SC: "I'll be in and out all day so if I'm not at home I'll be at my doctor's."
Me: "...ok"
SC: "Let me give you her number too just in case."
Um...why? No really, why? I want to know what colossal mental pit your trapped in that inspired you to offer me your doctor's number just in case you weren't home. Hell, the odds that we'll even call you back are approximately, let me check the brochure....1 in 119,000 and even if you do win something we aren't drawing it till January anyway.
So trust me when I say your doctor's appointment, much like your lottery tickets, are not important at 2 in the morning. Have a muffin and go to bed.
Space Time Disturbance
Caller indicated that the office had kept her on hold for 2 days. Caller must be calling us some sort of unstable dimensional rift in space time where every moment is an eternity. I'm not entirely sure how to address the caller's problem but if TV is any indication we have to do something that involves rerouting power to the shields. I will also require the assistance of an alien with horrific facial deformaties.
Property Management
Some guy called just to let us know our machines were working fine. He didn't want anything, he just wanted to keep us up to date. I have dutifully made note of this obviously critical information. If I had not received an update from the front line I would surely be in a panic right now about the status of washers & dryers throughout the lower mainland.
STOP WHINING
Caller whined that the dryer had broken down and her clothes were wet and too heavy to carry back up to her suite. She could not do this because her "arms were sore". Awwww, poor baby. To make it even better she wanted me to contact the building caretaker to come down and help her carry them ( This is about 3am ) . What the hell?
I tried to fend her off for a few minutes but she just kept WHINING. Holy $@#$ woman, grow up. "But my arms are soooooore!". Argh! Even if its the last thing I do on this earth I WILL find a way to set you on fire with my MIND. Then after I have done so I will LAUGH and dance a funny little dance around my desk.
This went on for so long I actually gave in ( Forgive me, but this client had no restrictions on what they regarded as urgent. Just if the caller says "urgent", which this whiny sow was doing. ). I figured if the client wanted to leave their policy this wide open, they can deal with the sow.
So I phone up the caretaker and the second I drop the woman's name his tone changes to a "Not this &*@$) again" kind of tone. I explain her pathetic problem to him ( not making much effort to hide what I thought about it ) and he vows to go down there and "take care of her.". He used a tone of voice that reassured me that the woman would have part or all of her face verbally removed.
Glee~
Wrong Numbers
SC: "Can I get a cab?"
Me: "You have the wrong number."
SC: "I want Richmond Cab!"
Yes, and I want the ability to inflict physical harm across a phone line. But we don't always get what we want, do we? ( I'm so full of Christmas cheer. )
Military Time
Me: "Around what time did you make the payment?"
SC: "Oh, it was on military time."
( ...ok? )
Me: "Around what time?"
SC: "11"
Me: "11am?"
SC: "No, 11 at night."
Psst....thats 2300 by Military Time. Unless military time is actually some sort of daily event in Memphis. Maybe it’s a euphemism for lunch time? Or tea time? Wait, 11am. Must be brunch.
Learn something new every day.
How was your guy's holidays? ;p
Tech Support
Me: "You may have to call back in half an hour when the office opens"
SC: "So you're not a person then?"
Indeed not, I am but a lowly drone toiling away in the salt mines, wishing to once again see the light of day so that I may have but one last glimpse at happiness before the crushing darkness of the cavern walls strangles the last wisp of life from my frail, worn body.
Also, you're a half-wit.
Doctor's Offices
SC: "There's a problem with my face!"
Ok? Are we talking like a fat lip kind of problem or more of Michael Jackson "My nose detachs so you can peer into the dark void beyond that is my soul" kind of problem?
Alrighty
"Let me activate my cell phone!!"
Wait! Let me find my stapler and activate my calculator! Then we shall form VOLTON!
Orderlines
"I'm about 185lbs, what size is that?"
......(sob). Here's what you want to do: Go find a measuring tape. It’s a sort of yellow strip thingie with numbers on it. Check around the garage under the empty beer bottles if you have too. The numbers are important, so keep them in mind. Now take that measuring tape, stay with me here, wrap it around your ankles as many times as you can get it. Now go throw yourself in a river.
Grrr...
The best way to ensure optimum customer service from me is NOT to accuse me of being a thief the second I pick up the line. Your incoherent ranting did not help matters either. I have no idea what "Eyes in front of your teeth" means. You also seemed confused when I informed you we were afterhours as its 1 in the morning.
I am also not "one of them", whatever the hell that means.
Please put the phone down and go back to your cage. Someone has obviously let you out by mistake.
Legal Aid
SC: "Hey, my friend was arrested at a road stop. When can I pick him up?"
In 5-10 years? Why ask me that anyway? Perhaps you should ask the cops? At least if you ask them stupid questions they have the luxury of tazering you. I have no such option.
Praise Jeebus
Caller indicated he was a priest and part of a church group that was working from a small budget. Thus he asked if I could find him a low rate at a hotel where they have a "fear of the Lord." and would give him the cheapest rate possible.
Approximately 30 seconds later he asked me if I could find him a hotel with a pool. If he was going to be stuck there till tomorrow afternoon he wanted a pool. Tight budget, eh? You should be thankful the Lord doesn't see fit to make you sleep on a bench in the airport.
Legal Aid 2
Caller indicated he was charged with "Breach of something" but he was unsure what. Breach of Something? Isn't that where you get drunk and wake up naked in a field next to a sheep?
Lottery Lines
( After ordering her tickets....)
SC: "I'll be in and out all day so if I'm not at home I'll be at my doctor's."
Me: "...ok"
SC: "Let me give you her number too just in case."
Um...why? No really, why? I want to know what colossal mental pit your trapped in that inspired you to offer me your doctor's number just in case you weren't home. Hell, the odds that we'll even call you back are approximately, let me check the brochure....1 in 119,000 and even if you do win something we aren't drawing it till January anyway.
So trust me when I say your doctor's appointment, much like your lottery tickets, are not important at 2 in the morning. Have a muffin and go to bed.
Space Time Disturbance
Caller indicated that the office had kept her on hold for 2 days. Caller must be calling us some sort of unstable dimensional rift in space time where every moment is an eternity. I'm not entirely sure how to address the caller's problem but if TV is any indication we have to do something that involves rerouting power to the shields. I will also require the assistance of an alien with horrific facial deformaties.
Property Management
Some guy called just to let us know our machines were working fine. He didn't want anything, he just wanted to keep us up to date. I have dutifully made note of this obviously critical information. If I had not received an update from the front line I would surely be in a panic right now about the status of washers & dryers throughout the lower mainland.
STOP WHINING
Caller whined that the dryer had broken down and her clothes were wet and too heavy to carry back up to her suite. She could not do this because her "arms were sore". Awwww, poor baby. To make it even better she wanted me to contact the building caretaker to come down and help her carry them ( This is about 3am ) . What the hell?
I tried to fend her off for a few minutes but she just kept WHINING. Holy $@#$ woman, grow up. "But my arms are soooooore!". Argh! Even if its the last thing I do on this earth I WILL find a way to set you on fire with my MIND. Then after I have done so I will LAUGH and dance a funny little dance around my desk.
This went on for so long I actually gave in ( Forgive me, but this client had no restrictions on what they regarded as urgent. Just if the caller says "urgent", which this whiny sow was doing. ). I figured if the client wanted to leave their policy this wide open, they can deal with the sow.
So I phone up the caretaker and the second I drop the woman's name his tone changes to a "Not this &*@$) again" kind of tone. I explain her pathetic problem to him ( not making much effort to hide what I thought about it ) and he vows to go down there and "take care of her.". He used a tone of voice that reassured me that the woman would have part or all of her face verbally removed.
Glee~
Wrong Numbers
SC: "Can I get a cab?"
Me: "You have the wrong number."
SC: "I want Richmond Cab!"
Yes, and I want the ability to inflict physical harm across a phone line. But we don't always get what we want, do we? ( I'm so full of Christmas cheer. )
Military Time
Me: "Around what time did you make the payment?"
SC: "Oh, it was on military time."
( ...ok? )
Me: "Around what time?"
SC: "11"
Me: "11am?"
SC: "No, 11 at night."
Psst....thats 2300 by Military Time. Unless military time is actually some sort of daily event in Memphis. Maybe it’s a euphemism for lunch time? Or tea time? Wait, 11am. Must be brunch.
Learn something new every day.
How was your guy's holidays? ;p
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