Presenting, Penny's highlights from a few weeks of working in number directory services. Those who can't stand crude/filthy language, turn back while you still can!
Ouch. Really.
SC: "You speak so unclearly, despite being in the profession you're in!"
Well, now that you mentioned it, I probably should stop compensating for my natural lisp by enunciating everything I say so properly it borders on ridiculous and book some plastic surgeon to construct me a brand new skull and jaw. Or the roof of my mouth. Whichever is cheaper and has a higher chance of serious permanent damage when botched.
Angry Old Lady vol. 1
Here, a customer decided to start talking in a loud voice during the time the customary, taped recording played and of course, I couldn't hear a thing. Or rather, I thought I heard a street name but I wasn't sure, so I tried to ask again.
Me: "Could You repeat that, please?"
SC: "Don't lengthen this call!"
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "My throat is sore! Shut up and listen!"
Me: "Ye-"
SC: "Now what did I ask you to find me?!"
Me: "[street name I heard]?"
SC: *click*
If you could've managed to keep your gaping maw shut and your shrill voice in check for about three seconds as the unstoppable recording greets you, I would've heard your screeches, I would've gotten you what you needed, the call would've remained short and your ever-so-precious throat could have been saved. May all your bacon burn and may you be set upon by randy pineapples.
-----------------------------------------------------
SC: "Find me [garbled name]!"
Me: "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"
SC: "Don't lengthen the call!"
You're BACK? Sweet jesus. Just a hint, though, the call would not have been "lengthened" if you would not have called sounding a jello shot away from lethal alcohol poisoning, and like you were holding at least three eggs in your mouth. Free protip.
Junior learns how to prank call
Kid: "Yeah, um, where's the nearest bathroom?!"
Me: "Well, that depends entirely on where you are."
Kid: "... ... ... RUNNINGOUTOFPOWERBYE*click*
Really? No follow through? Nothing? Come on! I can take it! Gimme your best shot!
---------------------------------------------
SCKid: "DEEDLEDEEDLEDEE SUCK COCK"
Me: "Pardon?"
SCKid: "SUCKCOCKSUCKCOCK."
Me: "Is there something I can help you with?"
SCKid: "SUCKCOOOOCK"
Me: "You're calling here for this? You do realize this costs money, right?"
SCKid: "You're stupid, you're an idiot!"
Me: "Your parents aren't going to be happy when they see the phonebill, you know."
SCKid: "SUCK COOOOCK!"
Me: "Well, if that's the best you can do, I'm afraid there is a line forming and I must disconnect this call. Thank you fo calling, have a nice day!"
SCKid: "No wait don't-" [disconnected]
A few calls later:
Me!Recording: "[number directory service], Penny, how may I help You?"
SCKid: "You can't help me."
Indeed I cannot. The help you need would require at least a Delorean and a meetup with your dad's nads and my baseball bat.
Me: "Alright, then may I ask what is it that you're calling here for?"
SCKid: ".... DEEDELDEEDLEDEE SUCK COCK"
Me: "Alright. I've heard better and if that's the best you've got, I suggest you put the phone down, use a bit more creativity and then call back. I'll disconnect now, thank you for calling and have a nice day!"
--------------------------------------
SuckyKid: "WHAT IS POO MADE OF?!"
Truly, the highlight of my day.
Me: "It's made of whatever a human eats."
SK: "You mean poo?!"
Me: "Yes. It's made of whatever a human eats."
SK: "Uhhh- *click*"
Thank god he hung up. Three more seconds and I would've been able to HEAR his mind getting blown as this little morsel of information finally hit home. I think my tubes tied themselves after these calls.
Seriously?
Me!Recording: "[number directory service], Penny, how may I help You?"
SC: "So, where does Penny live?"
Penny lives in OhGodGetAwayFromMe-ville.
Me: "Southern Finland?"
SC: "You do? Then how about getting a beer with me sometime?"
... Seriously? This is another prank call, right? Ha! Good one! ... It's not? Ohh dear.
Me: "I'm sorry, sir, but I don't drink alcohol."
SC: "Ahh, that's too bad, then."
No it's not. Turns out this guy had something he needed, though, so I got him the number when he laid the most original nugget of charm and wit on me since the dawn of time.
SC: "And when you send that text message, put your own number into it as well, will you?"
THE ORIGINALITY. THE MIND, SHE IS BOGGLED.
Me: "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't offer that kind of service."
SC: "Ahh, that's too bad, I guess."
Now, I may be alone in this opinion, but people trying to pick up faceless number directory workers through phone connection smells a liiittle bit like desperation to me. But like I said, that's just me.
-----------------------------------
SC: "So, where are you now?"
Me: "Umm, Helsinki?"
SC: "Where exactly?"
Me: "I don't know, really. I have a terrible sense of direction."
SC: "I'm just asking, because I'm gonna send you a dildo!"
I bet you say that to all the girls.
Me: "Thanks, but I don't really need one."
SC: "Why not?"
He sounded so disappointed here, like I had just taken back a puppy he had been gifted earlier. Hooray drunken logic.
Me: "Because I'm not interested in sex of any kind."
SC: "... Well, uh. I guess it's nice to, uh. Have different kinds of people in the world."
Soon after, the call was finished. Can you tell it was night time, and a weekend?
What is this I don't even
So, a man calls in and asks for a number in Sweden. I search, and offer it to him. He then gets upset that it's a landline number and tells me there should be a cell phone number. A few moments of trying to understand what's happening, it turns out that this man had called some time earlier and had gotten that cell number and that it had been correct. So now he called back so the number could've been looked up the second time, and then got upset that I couldn't find a number he already had and what had been confirmed as the right number. So of course, I was a moron for not finding a number that wasn't in the primary database for abroad numbers, which I used, but what might've been on a webpage I didn't remember.
----------------------------------------------------------
In other news, a customer called in, told a number, then gave the name and the address of the owner of the number, and then asked me to connect to the number I had been told. So... Basically, the customer already had the number, knew where it was going, and still they called to a somewhat pricey number directory service just so we would press two buttons to connect to said number.
... Well, it's your money.
You're Welcome
SC: "So, any good parkour-places around Helsinki?"
Me: "Uh, well, give me a moment and I'll try and see if there are. (a few minutes of searching goes here)"
Me: "Alright, this post on a parkour forum recommends [half a dozen spots around the city]."
SC: "Okay, good. Now could you tell me how to break in to the abandoned steel mill?"
Me: "Uh, well, if the doors aren't already open, then I'm afraid I don't have any ideas."
SC: "I see. By the way, does [internet store selling misc. toys and accessories and whatnots] deliver to Finland?"
Me: "Umm, give me a moment please, and I'll check."
Let it be noted that the site's FAQ was long and confusing so it took me a while, even with the CTRL + F function.
SC: "Man, this is taking so long, I might as well check it myself later!"
Me: "Seems like they do deliver to Finland."
SC: "Alrighty, then. By the way, go fuck yourself. *click*"
... YOU'RE WELCOME. Also, if you're concerned about the call taking so long, how about you don't ask questions that require some serious searching and investigation.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
SuckyKid: "Can you get me the number for [famous Finnish soccer player]?"
Me: "Well, I can try, though he might've had it unlisted by now. [quick search] Yes, it seems that his number is not in our database."
SK: "Okay, then can you get me the number of [presumably a friend]."
Me: "One moment please... Yes, it seems like there's one cellphone listed for [person], in [address]."
SK: "Yeah, that's him. Could you send it to me as an SMS?"
Me: "The message has been sent."
SK: "Thanks a lot, you cunt! *click*"
Again, YOU'RE WELCOME.
Thank god I don't care what nameless, faceless strangers think of me. Otherwise I might've gotten the tiniest bit offended.
Ouch. Really.
SC: "You speak so unclearly, despite being in the profession you're in!"
Well, now that you mentioned it, I probably should stop compensating for my natural lisp by enunciating everything I say so properly it borders on ridiculous and book some plastic surgeon to construct me a brand new skull and jaw. Or the roof of my mouth. Whichever is cheaper and has a higher chance of serious permanent damage when botched.
Angry Old Lady vol. 1
Here, a customer decided to start talking in a loud voice during the time the customary, taped recording played and of course, I couldn't hear a thing. Or rather, I thought I heard a street name but I wasn't sure, so I tried to ask again.
Me: "Could You repeat that, please?"
SC: "Don't lengthen this call!"
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "My throat is sore! Shut up and listen!"
Me: "Ye-"
SC: "Now what did I ask you to find me?!"
Me: "[street name I heard]?"
SC: *click*
If you could've managed to keep your gaping maw shut and your shrill voice in check for about three seconds as the unstoppable recording greets you, I would've heard your screeches, I would've gotten you what you needed, the call would've remained short and your ever-so-precious throat could have been saved. May all your bacon burn and may you be set upon by randy pineapples.
-----------------------------------------------------
SC: "Find me [garbled name]!"
Me: "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"
SC: "Don't lengthen the call!"
You're BACK? Sweet jesus. Just a hint, though, the call would not have been "lengthened" if you would not have called sounding a jello shot away from lethal alcohol poisoning, and like you were holding at least three eggs in your mouth. Free protip.
Junior learns how to prank call
Kid: "Yeah, um, where's the nearest bathroom?!"
Me: "Well, that depends entirely on where you are."
Kid: "... ... ... RUNNINGOUTOFPOWERBYE*click*
Really? No follow through? Nothing? Come on! I can take it! Gimme your best shot!
---------------------------------------------
SCKid: "DEEDLEDEEDLEDEE SUCK COCK"
Me: "Pardon?"
SCKid: "SUCKCOCKSUCKCOCK."
Me: "Is there something I can help you with?"
SCKid: "SUCKCOOOOCK"
Me: "You're calling here for this? You do realize this costs money, right?"
SCKid: "You're stupid, you're an idiot!"
Me: "Your parents aren't going to be happy when they see the phonebill, you know."
SCKid: "SUCK COOOOCK!"
Me: "Well, if that's the best you can do, I'm afraid there is a line forming and I must disconnect this call. Thank you fo calling, have a nice day!"
SCKid: "No wait don't-" [disconnected]
A few calls later:
Me!Recording: "[number directory service], Penny, how may I help You?"
SCKid: "You can't help me."
Indeed I cannot. The help you need would require at least a Delorean and a meetup with your dad's nads and my baseball bat.
Me: "Alright, then may I ask what is it that you're calling here for?"
SCKid: ".... DEEDELDEEDLEDEE SUCK COCK"
Me: "Alright. I've heard better and if that's the best you've got, I suggest you put the phone down, use a bit more creativity and then call back. I'll disconnect now, thank you for calling and have a nice day!"
--------------------------------------
SuckyKid: "WHAT IS POO MADE OF?!"
Truly, the highlight of my day.
Me: "It's made of whatever a human eats."
SK: "You mean poo?!"
Me: "Yes. It's made of whatever a human eats."
SK: "Uhhh- *click*"
Thank god he hung up. Three more seconds and I would've been able to HEAR his mind getting blown as this little morsel of information finally hit home. I think my tubes tied themselves after these calls.
Seriously?
Me!Recording: "[number directory service], Penny, how may I help You?"
SC: "So, where does Penny live?"
Penny lives in OhGodGetAwayFromMe-ville.
Me: "Southern Finland?"
SC: "You do? Then how about getting a beer with me sometime?"
... Seriously? This is another prank call, right? Ha! Good one! ... It's not? Ohh dear.
Me: "I'm sorry, sir, but I don't drink alcohol."
SC: "Ahh, that's too bad, then."
No it's not. Turns out this guy had something he needed, though, so I got him the number when he laid the most original nugget of charm and wit on me since the dawn of time.
SC: "And when you send that text message, put your own number into it as well, will you?"
THE ORIGINALITY. THE MIND, SHE IS BOGGLED.
Me: "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't offer that kind of service."
SC: "Ahh, that's too bad, I guess."
Now, I may be alone in this opinion, but people trying to pick up faceless number directory workers through phone connection smells a liiittle bit like desperation to me. But like I said, that's just me.
-----------------------------------
SC: "So, where are you now?"
Me: "Umm, Helsinki?"
SC: "Where exactly?"
Me: "I don't know, really. I have a terrible sense of direction."
SC: "I'm just asking, because I'm gonna send you a dildo!"
I bet you say that to all the girls.
Me: "Thanks, but I don't really need one."
SC: "Why not?"
He sounded so disappointed here, like I had just taken back a puppy he had been gifted earlier. Hooray drunken logic.
Me: "Because I'm not interested in sex of any kind."
SC: "... Well, uh. I guess it's nice to, uh. Have different kinds of people in the world."
Soon after, the call was finished. Can you tell it was night time, and a weekend?
What is this I don't even
So, a man calls in and asks for a number in Sweden. I search, and offer it to him. He then gets upset that it's a landline number and tells me there should be a cell phone number. A few moments of trying to understand what's happening, it turns out that this man had called some time earlier and had gotten that cell number and that it had been correct. So now he called back so the number could've been looked up the second time, and then got upset that I couldn't find a number he already had and what had been confirmed as the right number. So of course, I was a moron for not finding a number that wasn't in the primary database for abroad numbers, which I used, but what might've been on a webpage I didn't remember.
----------------------------------------------------------
In other news, a customer called in, told a number, then gave the name and the address of the owner of the number, and then asked me to connect to the number I had been told. So... Basically, the customer already had the number, knew where it was going, and still they called to a somewhat pricey number directory service just so we would press two buttons to connect to said number.
... Well, it's your money.
You're Welcome
SC: "So, any good parkour-places around Helsinki?"
Me: "Uh, well, give me a moment and I'll try and see if there are. (a few minutes of searching goes here)"
Me: "Alright, this post on a parkour forum recommends [half a dozen spots around the city]."
SC: "Okay, good. Now could you tell me how to break in to the abandoned steel mill?"
Me: "Uh, well, if the doors aren't already open, then I'm afraid I don't have any ideas."
SC: "I see. By the way, does [internet store selling misc. toys and accessories and whatnots] deliver to Finland?"
Me: "Umm, give me a moment please, and I'll check."
Let it be noted that the site's FAQ was long and confusing so it took me a while, even with the CTRL + F function.
SC: "Man, this is taking so long, I might as well check it myself later!"
Me: "Seems like they do deliver to Finland."
SC: "Alrighty, then. By the way, go fuck yourself. *click*"
... YOU'RE WELCOME. Also, if you're concerned about the call taking so long, how about you don't ask questions that require some serious searching and investigation.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
SuckyKid: "Can you get me the number for [famous Finnish soccer player]?"
Me: "Well, I can try, though he might've had it unlisted by now. [quick search] Yes, it seems that his number is not in our database."
SK: "Okay, then can you get me the number of [presumably a friend]."
Me: "One moment please... Yes, it seems like there's one cellphone listed for [person], in [address]."
SK: "Yeah, that's him. Could you send it to me as an SMS?"
Me: "The message has been sent."
SK: "Thanks a lot, you cunt! *click*"
Again, YOU'RE WELCOME.
Thank god I don't care what nameless, faceless strangers think of me. Otherwise I might've gotten the tiniest bit offended.
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