A little quiz about priorities...

[MystyGlyttyr]

Here's a little test I've come up with for the people who keep calling me...

Question 1: Which of the following tragedies does not fit with the others?

a. Relative killed in a car accident
b. Being framed for a serious crime
c. A child being kidnapped
d. Not getting your fifty cent paper deposited directly on your porch
e. none of the above.

If you answered anything but D, now, I HAVE to kill you. Seriously, it's required.

This has been the conversation about ten times now and I've only been at work for 20 minutes.

Them: "I didn't get my paper!"
Me: "I'm sorry sir/ma'am. I can transfer you down to the answering machine in circulation."
Them: *screaming* "HOW IS THAT GOING TO HELP ME?!"
Me: "I'm sorry sir/ma'am, but no one is in circulation after 1 p.m., but if you leave a message, they can get to your paper as soon as they're available.
Them: "THIS IS BULLSHIT!! I WANT MY PAPER!!"
Me: "Where are you located sir/ma'am?"
Them: *various metropolitan areas which I know have gas stations every ten feet*
Me: "If you'd like to go buy yourself a paper, you can call and tell the business office that you had to do that, they will send you a refund for the trouble."
Them: "IT'S TOO FAR!! I NEED MY PAPER NOW!!"
Me: *long pause*
Them: *huffing and puffing*
Me: *scarily calm* "I can transfer you down to the machine now." Voice implied: Or I can go look you up in the computer, find your home address, and fix it so that you get a visit from the baseball bat fairy. Take your pick.
Them: "Fine! Do that, then!!"

This one woman totally took the cake. She called me, bitched and screamed me out, and I transferred her to the machine. After a few minutes, she called ME back.

Lady: "That machine isn't going to help me!"
Me: "Well, I'm sorry, but that's all I can do for you. I'm the only person here." (I just added emphasis to point it out here.)
Lady: *sarcastically* "Well, THANK YOU." *hangs up*

Thirty seconds later, the phone in the sports department rings. I pick it up.

Me: "Newsroom."
Lady: *screeching* "I didn't know I would get YOU again!!"
Me: "...I'm the ONLY PERSON here, ma'am."
Lady: *hangs up*

Thirty seconds later, the phone on the editor's desk rings.

Me: "Newsroom."
Lady: *long huff* "Isn't there anyone else there I can talk to?!"
Me: "No. There's not. There is no one else in the entire building anywhere. I am here all by myself. I answer all the phones on the weekend."
Lady: "What do you do there, then?!"
Me: *with definite implication in my voice* "I write about dead people, ma'am."
Lady: *HUFF* *hang up*

...THIRTY. SECONDS. LATER.

The phone rings on the copy desk.

There's not even any reason to pretend now.

Me: *picks up the phone* "Ma'am, do you have a learning disability?"
Lady: *sputter, sputter*
Me: "If you call again, I will have your entire account cancelled and I'll call the police."
Lady: *hangs up fast*

Haven't heard another peep yet.

*siiiiiiiiigh* Humans.

When does the asteroid get here? Seriously? And not that little crud New Jersey rock. I'm ready for the death bringer.

[iradney]

wow
she...i....*eyes go vacant, saliva starts edging over the lips...*
that broke my brain

[MystyGlyttyr]

And I mean, it's not even like we're just screwing up left and right. We have a delivery rate in the five-digit range. Even if we make 100 mistakes, we would still have a 99.995% accuracy range (I did the math, heh). Not bad considering that sometimes it almost seems like we employ our delivery drivers out of the monkey cage at the zoo.

Except that then all 100 of our mistakes have to call ME, and only one of those people is actually decent and willing to take our fifty cent check, or even better, just leave a message on the machine and get their paper brought to them the next day. Those are the REALLY cool people that I would go out of my way for. The rest...*takes club out of desk, brandishes*

[Rahmota]

Wow! *said in best ben stein voice* That is just so bad. That lady I think has been sniffing the glue a bit much. What was she wanting you to do personally shove a newspaper through the phone to her? Or maybe she thought you where on star trek and could beam a paper to her.

[South Texan]

You mean that poor woman was going to have to do without Miss Manners, Dear Abby and the comics? The suffering she must have been going through...

[karma_gypsy]

Me: *picks up the phone* "Ma'am, do you have a learning disability?"
Lady: *sputter, sputter*
Me: "If you call again, I will have your entire account cancelled and I'll call the police."
Lady: *hangs up fast*

Did you at *least* chuckle to yourself after this was all over?



You should have just transferred her over . . . to yourself. And just keep doing that over and over and over.

[AFpheonix]

Bonus points if you answer in different voices.

"I got a phone call! Yay!"

[Gawdzillers]

When does the asteroid get here? Seriously? And not that little crud New Jersey rock. I'm ready for the death bringer.

Sounds like somebody read the Remnants series.

[Banrion]

I'm wondering, who delivers the papers? Do you employ delivery boys/girls who walk around the neighborhood? If so, it would seem to me, that the way to get their problem remedied would be to call their respective delivery person. That's how my paper always worked. Our boys over the years were very good, missed us maybe once or twice a year, and we just made a quick call and he would explain that he was shorted, or there was a problem with the account for some reason, or would apologize for the mistake and bring one up. We never dealt with the paper directly.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

I'm wondering, who delivers the papers? Do you employ delivery boys/girls who walk around the neighborhood? If so, it would seem to me, that the way to get their problem remedied would be to call their respective delivery person. That's how my paper always worked. Our boys over the years were very good, missed us maybe once or twice a year, and we just made a quick call and he would explain that he was shorted, or there was a problem with the account for some reason, or would apologize for the mistake and bring one up. We never dealt with the paper directly.

I don't think it works quite that way everywhere. In my area, I don't have a clue as to how to contact our delivery person directly, so in the event that we miss a paper, my Mom contacts the circulation department and lets them know about the mishap.

Either way, the thing to remember here is that SC's don't use logic. In fact, I doubt an SC would recognize logic if it snuck up and bit them in the asscheeks.

Apparently, to an SC, it's much easier to call back continuously and rant and rave rather than, say leave a message w/the circulation department if they couldn't get hold of their delivery person.

[Becks]

Either way, the thing to remember here is that SC's don't use logic. In fact, I doubt an SC would recognize logic if it snuck up and bit them in the asscheeks.

Well, Pepsi going through the nose still doesn't burn as much as drinking Coke...

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Eeep...urpp...wha?

*jaw drops through keyboard, through floor, and through the ground a few miles or so, as more brain cells commit sideways.

What would she do if something really terrible happened to her?

[DesignFox]

You mean that poor woman was going to have to do without Miss Manners, Dear Abby and the comics? The suffering she must have been going through...

seems to me that this customer has been doing without Miss Manners for quite some time...