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Blowhole
Back damage was suffering this week. Thanks to the cat. So there is not much to tell. I missed one day and was generally sent home hunched over on other days. -.-
Please Stop
Your voice says “Sweet little old lady”. But your insistence on holding the receiver directly to your nostrils as you breath says “Velociraptor on the other side of the door hunting me while I cower in fear trying not to make any noise”.
First Contact
Me: “And your last name please?”
SC: “Q-N-N-R-C-N-U-Q”
Me: “…….”
SC: “…….”
There are not enough vowels. There must be more vowels. It cannot exist as a word without more vowels. I notice you didn’t even try to say it. You went straight to spelling it. I assume this is because it cannot be pronounced with the human tongue and accurately pronouncing it would require the presence of some sort of alien anatomy. Such as two tongues or possibly a blow hole.
I’m guessing that is why it begins and ends with a Q. The Q is not meant to be pronounced as we Earth creatures would do so vocally. It is actually the sound of a blow hole. The actual core of the name is "NNRCNU". So technically this would be pronounced “Fwoosh-Nnerc-New-Fwoosh”. Though our primitive vocal structure is incapable of adding the correct nuances to the blowhole fwooshes. Which I assume convey rank and mating availability.
Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “xxxxx”
Ah, I see our questionably stylish MP3 sunglasses are highly desired by both the dredges of the north, and the dredges of Alpha Centari. Though surely if you managed to get this far then you clearly have technology superior to the MP3 file format. Which means you’re just in this for looks. But would this even fit your face? I mean, you do have a blowhole.
Me: “Alright, what colour?”
SC: “Uh….in-fair reed.”
That would be “Infrared”. It’s what we humans call the spectrum of light your kind see in.
I've Never Actually Seen That
Despite my injury, Broadway station holds utterly no mercy for those that pass through it. And even less for those foolishly enough to get off and step into its maw. So, let’s say you’re standing on the platform of this accursed station. What is the classiest scenario you could think of triggering in this public place? If you said “Start a fight with your pregnant girlfriend on her birthday?” then congratulations! You’re…..er….a sad, pathetic example of the human race and should probably just not go out into public ever again.
It also marks the first time I have ever actually seen a grown man stamp his feet mid argument. This utterly baffled me. As this is behavior reserved almost exclusively to children and skunks. Now, I will admit the smell did somewhat suggest one of the two. However, he did not follow up the display by turning around and spraying his girlfriend in a foul, noxious liquid from his anal glands. His girlfriend who, like me, was pretending he didn’t exist the entire way downtown. So logically, after making a total ass of yourself for the entire ride, he then accused her of “embarrassing” him. As if she had any hand in the previous 10 minutes of utter shame and humiliation he brought upon himself.
Hot Tips
SC: “Queen Elizabeth has a request to make.”
And you, of course, are speaking on her behalf. Lending further evidence to my suspicion that you believe the Queen, Prince Charles and Jesus are literally all your roommates. But very well, what is it her majesty would ask of me?
SC: “She’s willing to give you 10 million dollars if you’ll help her grow a beard and a mustache. Can you do that for the Queen?”
Me: “…….Probably not no. But she could try looking into, say, Rogaine.”
SC: "......."
Hey, she is still our head of state and if her majesty needs help, then I am here to provide as her loyal subject.
Wha?
Me: “Good eveni-“
SC: “I WANT TO BUY YOUR HOUSE!!!!”
I’m afraid I rent. So you are speaking with the wrong point of contact. That aside, this is a tech support line..
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “I WANT TO BUY YOUR HOUSE!”
Me: “……..”
SC: “ARE YOU CHINESE?!”
Me: “…………..”
I’m not sure what my ethnicity has to do with this. Unless you’re somehow under the mistaken impression that nationality is directly tied to the value of a nation’s currency despite a person's location. Therefore you’re specifically attempting to find a Chinese realtor in the hopes of a good exchange rate. In which case I should point out that A) The economy does not work that way and B) I’m afraid I’m Canadian. So the exchange rate would be…well, 1:1.
Unless you’re Chinese?
It May Be Wise To Stay Clear
A spare change attempt this evening actually began with a phrase even more ill-advised than the previous “Can you find it in your heart”. This time a scraggly Granville denizen approached me and actually began his change request with “Could you be nice and-“.
Well, at least I think he was asking for change. Because that’s as far into the sentence as he made it. I looked directly at him at the conclusion of “Could you be nice” and apparently whatever expression I had allowed onto my face stopped him dead in his tracks. Causing him to slink away.
I really must learn how to harness these involuntary looks of unspeakable evil.
I Think I Might Know What It Was About
SC: “Can you direct me to a place I can make a complaint?”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry but this line is for emergencies. You’ll have to call the office in the morning.”
SC: “…………..”
Me: “…………..”
SC: “Hello?”
Me: “Hi.”
SC: “Well!? I’m waiting.”
Waiting, yes. Listening? Not so much.
Arithmetic: Scourge of Humanity
( The washer in her building ate her change )
Me: “Alright, and how much did you need refunded?”
SC: “Ummm.....uh......that is.....um, 2.75 times 3.”
Something about this particularly amuses me. It’s like intellectual buck passing. She attempted to answer the question, realized that basic math was vastly beyond her mental capabilities and promptly passed it along to me. I can’t help but wonder if, when shopping, she does not pay for her purchases so much as opens her wallet, offers it to the cashier and informs them to “Take whatever you need”.
After all, math is hard. So is listening. Listening and math. Both of them are the two greatest threats mankind faces. Screw nuclear war and global warming. There are people in the world that can’t figure out how many quarters to put in the pop machine! We must save them.
Stop.
SC: “Is this a cab company?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “Oh, ok. We’re looking for a cab company in Langley.”
Let me stop you right there. Everything you just said. That entire sentence. That is what’s known as “Utterly irrelevant information I don’t want, need nor even remotely giving a flying fuck off a short pier into shark infested waters wearing a bacon cockring about.”.
There was absolutely no reason for you to make that statement. The correct statement is “Oh, sorry.” Followed by a prompted hang up. I do not require an explanation. I certainly don’t require an outline of your intentions and the objective of this quest you are embarked upon.
They are 3 Easy Steps(tm) known as the ASUFO principle: Apologize, Shut Up, Fuck Off.
I Wonder....
Me: “You’re in custody for assault?”
SC: “Yeah, I was getting my ass beat by a bunch of black guys. Now I’m in custody and the fucking black guys got let go. I don’t know how the fuck that works. Black fuckers.”
I would submit that there is a hint buried within this very sentence. Since you are not only specifically identifying a race, but were also specifically….what was the term you used? Ass beat? Right, ass beat by a specific race. I would assume you have done something to offend that specific race. Then, when that specific race informed the police of what it was you did, the police thought “Damn, well, he deserves an application of ass beats” and are now keeping you in custody for being an idiot.
Alternatively, you may be in custody just because you’re an idiot. But either way, I’m assuming you and being an idiot are the root cause of this situation one way or another.
annnd rest. Sweet, drug induced rest. -.-
Please Stop
Your voice says “Sweet little old lady”. But your insistence on holding the receiver directly to your nostrils as you breath says “Velociraptor on the other side of the door hunting me while I cower in fear trying not to make any noise”.
First Contact
Me: “And your last name please?”
SC: “Q-N-N-R-C-N-U-Q”
Me: “…….”
SC: “…….”
There are not enough vowels. There must be more vowels. It cannot exist as a word without more vowels. I notice you didn’t even try to say it. You went straight to spelling it. I assume this is because it cannot be pronounced with the human tongue and accurately pronouncing it would require the presence of some sort of alien anatomy. Such as two tongues or possibly a blow hole.
I’m guessing that is why it begins and ends with a Q. The Q is not meant to be pronounced as we Earth creatures would do so vocally. It is actually the sound of a blow hole. The actual core of the name is "NNRCNU". So technically this would be pronounced “Fwoosh-Nnerc-New-Fwoosh”. Though our primitive vocal structure is incapable of adding the correct nuances to the blowhole fwooshes. Which I assume convey rank and mating availability.
Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “xxxxx”
Ah, I see our questionably stylish MP3 sunglasses are highly desired by both the dredges of the north, and the dredges of Alpha Centari. Though surely if you managed to get this far then you clearly have technology superior to the MP3 file format. Which means you’re just in this for looks. But would this even fit your face? I mean, you do have a blowhole.
Me: “Alright, what colour?”
SC: “Uh….in-fair reed.”
That would be “Infrared”. It’s what we humans call the spectrum of light your kind see in.
I've Never Actually Seen That
Despite my injury, Broadway station holds utterly no mercy for those that pass through it. And even less for those foolishly enough to get off and step into its maw. So, let’s say you’re standing on the platform of this accursed station. What is the classiest scenario you could think of triggering in this public place? If you said “Start a fight with your pregnant girlfriend on her birthday?” then congratulations! You’re…..er….a sad, pathetic example of the human race and should probably just not go out into public ever again.
It also marks the first time I have ever actually seen a grown man stamp his feet mid argument. This utterly baffled me. As this is behavior reserved almost exclusively to children and skunks. Now, I will admit the smell did somewhat suggest one of the two. However, he did not follow up the display by turning around and spraying his girlfriend in a foul, noxious liquid from his anal glands. His girlfriend who, like me, was pretending he didn’t exist the entire way downtown. So logically, after making a total ass of yourself for the entire ride, he then accused her of “embarrassing” him. As if she had any hand in the previous 10 minutes of utter shame and humiliation he brought upon himself.
Hot Tips
SC: “Queen Elizabeth has a request to make.”
And you, of course, are speaking on her behalf. Lending further evidence to my suspicion that you believe the Queen, Prince Charles and Jesus are literally all your roommates. But very well, what is it her majesty would ask of me?
SC: “She’s willing to give you 10 million dollars if you’ll help her grow a beard and a mustache. Can you do that for the Queen?”
Me: “…….Probably not no. But she could try looking into, say, Rogaine.”
SC: "......."
Hey, she is still our head of state and if her majesty needs help, then I am here to provide as her loyal subject.
Wha?
Me: “Good eveni-“
SC: “I WANT TO BUY YOUR HOUSE!!!!”
I’m afraid I rent. So you are speaking with the wrong point of contact. That aside, this is a tech support line..
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “I WANT TO BUY YOUR HOUSE!”
Me: “……..”
SC: “ARE YOU CHINESE?!”
Me: “…………..”
I’m not sure what my ethnicity has to do with this. Unless you’re somehow under the mistaken impression that nationality is directly tied to the value of a nation’s currency despite a person's location. Therefore you’re specifically attempting to find a Chinese realtor in the hopes of a good exchange rate. In which case I should point out that A) The economy does not work that way and B) I’m afraid I’m Canadian. So the exchange rate would be…well, 1:1.
Unless you’re Chinese?
It May Be Wise To Stay Clear
A spare change attempt this evening actually began with a phrase even more ill-advised than the previous “Can you find it in your heart”. This time a scraggly Granville denizen approached me and actually began his change request with “Could you be nice and-“.
Well, at least I think he was asking for change. Because that’s as far into the sentence as he made it. I looked directly at him at the conclusion of “Could you be nice” and apparently whatever expression I had allowed onto my face stopped him dead in his tracks. Causing him to slink away.
I really must learn how to harness these involuntary looks of unspeakable evil.
I Think I Might Know What It Was About
SC: “Can you direct me to a place I can make a complaint?”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry but this line is for emergencies. You’ll have to call the office in the morning.”
SC: “…………..”
Me: “…………..”
SC: “Hello?”
Me: “Hi.”
SC: “Well!? I’m waiting.”
Waiting, yes. Listening? Not so much.
Arithmetic: Scourge of Humanity
( The washer in her building ate her change )
Me: “Alright, and how much did you need refunded?”
SC: “Ummm.....uh......that is.....um, 2.75 times 3.”
Something about this particularly amuses me. It’s like intellectual buck passing. She attempted to answer the question, realized that basic math was vastly beyond her mental capabilities and promptly passed it along to me. I can’t help but wonder if, when shopping, she does not pay for her purchases so much as opens her wallet, offers it to the cashier and informs them to “Take whatever you need”.
After all, math is hard. So is listening. Listening and math. Both of them are the two greatest threats mankind faces. Screw nuclear war and global warming. There are people in the world that can’t figure out how many quarters to put in the pop machine! We must save them.
Stop.
SC: “Is this a cab company?”
Me: “No.”
SC: “Oh, ok. We’re looking for a cab company in Langley.”
Let me stop you right there. Everything you just said. That entire sentence. That is what’s known as “Utterly irrelevant information I don’t want, need nor even remotely giving a flying fuck off a short pier into shark infested waters wearing a bacon cockring about.”.
There was absolutely no reason for you to make that statement. The correct statement is “Oh, sorry.” Followed by a prompted hang up. I do not require an explanation. I certainly don’t require an outline of your intentions and the objective of this quest you are embarked upon.
They are 3 Easy Steps(tm) known as the ASUFO principle: Apologize, Shut Up, Fuck Off.
I Wonder....
Me: “You’re in custody for assault?”
SC: “Yeah, I was getting my ass beat by a bunch of black guys. Now I’m in custody and the fucking black guys got let go. I don’t know how the fuck that works. Black fuckers.”
I would submit that there is a hint buried within this very sentence. Since you are not only specifically identifying a race, but were also specifically….what was the term you used? Ass beat? Right, ass beat by a specific race. I would assume you have done something to offend that specific race. Then, when that specific race informed the police of what it was you did, the police thought “Damn, well, he deserves an application of ass beats” and are now keeping you in custody for being an idiot.
Alternatively, you may be in custody just because you’re an idiot. But either way, I’m assuming you and being an idiot are the root cause of this situation one way or another.
annnd rest. Sweet, drug induced rest. -.-
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