Laws of SCs

[Deceptitech]

Here are a few "laws" I thought of while posting a nice reply to a thread from before. If you have any in mind, please feel free to add some.

Decibel's law: Where volume of bitching is equally proportionate to the discount that she is entitled to.

ex: "I WANT MY MONEY!!!!!!"

Suits Law: If the customer thinks one thing, and the store thinks something else, then customer is hereby entitled to scream, whine, moan, and claim lawsuit until he or she receives the self described discount under penalty of SL(stupid lawyer).

ex: "YOU GIVE ME MY MONEY OR I'LL SUE YOU ALL!!!!"

Field of Dreams Act: I do not work retail, so I am more important than retail workers, and my every utterance is law to them.

ex: "I'm a lawyer. give me what i want, because I pay your wages, and you can't possibly afford mine."

Buddy Law: If merchant is out of stock on the floor, you may pretend to be "a close friend" and make your request for said item paramount and they will have one in back just for their friend.

ex: "Hey, I know you don't have any PS3s, but we're friends right? Surely you can get one from the back for a friend can't you?"

Einsteinian's law of adapters: They make something you need to do the most preposterous thing, no matter what your idea is.

ex: "I want to connect my coax cable to a 3/4" Pinkney Flange."

Back deal's law(also called post sale's law): If a site has a special, and that special has past its deadline and they have a new special for the same product, you can request the previous deal cause you saw it first.

ex: "I don't want the new deal with the free shipping, memory card, and extra charger for your product, I want the one you had yesterday for the free accessory that I wanted yesterday. I didn't order it yesterday because I wanted to see what the new deal would be."

I'll add more laws as I stumble across them. If you have any, please feel free to add.

[IT Grunt]

Rule Of Acquisition - A user (customers in my case. ) will request a new piece of hardware precisely 24 hours before it is needed.

ex. "John Doe is starting tommorrow in such and such position. We need you to order a laptop for him and install all necessary software. Can you have that for him tommorrow?"

Warp Law - A user, after having been told a policy, will request special authorization to bend said policy just for them.

ex. "We can't have generic e-mail accounts? Oh, I'm sure that if you e-mail so and so, they'll make an exception for me."

Alternate Reality Act - The belief that a hardware or software package will do something that it is expressly designed not to do, and then yell that it is an inferior piece of crap.

ex. "What do you mean Excel can't process 4 million records at once!? It's worthless!" (I have had users try to do this... on a very, VERY fast machine, maybe, but on the average corporate workstation? In your dreams...)

Sledgehammer Act - After having been told how to perform a certain act with a piece of hardware or software, the user will ask again next week how to do it, and the next week, and the next, and the next...

ex. "I know you told me how to exit this program last week, I remember something about an 'X', but where is it?"

[Mongo Skruddgemire]

First Law of Accusation - A customer will blame all the bad things in thier life on you for not having [insert item(s) here].

ex. "What do you mean that you don't have the new Tickle-me Elmo game for Nintendo Wii! You have just completly shattered the whole of the space time continum, made baby Jesus cry, opened the seventh seal, gave Satan the keys to the Pope-Mobile, started World War Three Four and Five, caused the president to wet himself at a press conference and worse than all of that...ruined my child's Christmas."

Second Law of Accusation - A customer accuses you of being Sexist, Racist, Intolerant of thier religion and/or Communist based solely on the fact that you are unable to pull [insert item(s) here] from your rectally mounted replicator.

ex. "I know you have a PS3 back behind the counter. You just don't want to sell me one because I'm [insert race, sex, sexual prefference, species preference here]!"

Third Law of Accusation - You are to blame for their [item] breaking down.

ex. "What do you mean the virus cas caused by porn on my computer. I didn't put it there and neither did my husband who stays up for three hours after I go to bed surfing on the computer while I sleep. You must have put it there!"

Fourth law of Accusation - They didn't bother to remember or for that matter even pay attention to the part they need, you can't figure out what they want, and since you're not a clairvoyant, it's your fault you sold them the wrong part for the 7th time running.

ex. "This is the fifth [censored]ing time I've been to this store today. I told you that I need the flangy-looking thingy for my car's whatchamajigger that runs the gizmo that makes my car do something. Are you a [censored]ing retard?"

And I'm sure I haven't even scratched the surface

M

[Becks]

"What do you mean that you don't have the new Tickle-me Elmo game for Nintendo Wii! You have just completly shattered the whole of the space time continum, made baby Jesus cry, opened the seventh seal, gave Satan the keys to the Pope-Mobile, started World War Three Four and Five, caused the president to wet himself at a press conference and worse than all of that...ruined my child's Christmas."

Don't forget that you will also be solely responsible for that child's counseling as an adult, because YOU personally "ruined" ONE Christmas.

[ArenaBoy]

The I Didn't See it Law: If an object such as a sign making mention of what you have to do, the SCs will follow their law by not only disobeying it they claim that they didn't see it even though it is right in front of them.

The Argument Law: When an SC is told something they do not like, they will start an argument and use points that tend to be illogical killing brain cells in the process.

The Get me Your Manager Law: When things are not going the SC's way, the SC will then call for the manager hoping that things will go their way.

The I'll Never Come Here Again Law: The SC's last measure, often used when they are not getting what they want. They tend to come back again despite their threat.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

The Flea Market Law: The price on the sticker or shelf label is merely suggestion. ("Will you take x dollars for this?", when the price of the item is x dollars plus some amount)

The "ask somebody else" law: If an SC is told no, or told something they didn't want to hear by an employee, it is acceptable, and perhaps even mandatory, to ask the same question to multiple employees until you get the answer you want.

The display law: It is perfectly okay to take the display of an item if there are no more of that item in boxes available. Even baby furniture displays, which BY LAW we have to destroy.

The unpackaging law: If you open a box to see what an item looks like, and decide you want to buy the item, then you must either leave all the pieces and parts laying around, or stuff the item haphazardly back into the box, and then take an unopened box to the register.

The "everyplace else" law: If your request for whatever has been turned down, state that "everyplace else" will do what you want. ("What do you mean I have to show you my driver's license to buy that Sudafed? Everyplace else allows me to buy it and I only have to show them my underwear label as identification!")

Rule #8: You haven't forgotten this, have you?!

I.P. Freleigh's Carryout Law: When buying large or bulky carryout items like furniture or big-screen TVs, you must drive up in a small car or a van or pickup stuffed full of crap. The person delivering the item to you is then obliged to spend at least half an hour rearranging the crap in your vehicle and unpackaging the item so it will fit.

The shopping cart law, part one: Your shopping cart goes in the parking lot when you are finished with it. It does not go in the cart corrals either in the store or in the parking lot. It just gets left loose in the lot to be blown around by the wind or used by adolescents for stunts they saw on Jackass or Viva la Bam!

The shopping cart law, part deux: If your vehicle is damaged by a stray shopping cart crashing into it, it's the store's fault.

[Getoutofmylobby]

The More Money Equals Better Than Amendment (to the Field of Dreams Act): If the customer has a better job, has more responsibility, and makes more money than you, they are then better than you and can treat you in any way they choose at any level of condescension.

The Rule of Entitlement: Sucky customers will expect undeserved benefits, refunds and special treatment when either a) they have paid for something else, b) the company has "wronged" them in some minor or percieved way or c) for no reason at all.

The Mandate of Social Decay: The following generations, perhaps in an effort to outdo their ancestors, will be increasigly lazy, materialistic, shallow, stupid, narcissitic, short-sighted, excitable, cheap, illogical and any other bad adjective you can think of. Customer service reps everywhere will suffer as more and more people disregard politeness and intellegence in favor of stupidity in a never ending quest to "be right."

The Declaration of the Preservation of My Sanity: Getoutofmylobby will search night and day for a new job as the idiots in the hotel industry are ruining his good-natured approach to life.

[AFpheonix]

The fingertapping law: The more in a hurry someone is to get a script filled, the more likely it is that it's either for zit cream, it's a script that's been floating around in their purse for 3 months, or occasionally both.

[kurisu7885]

The law of item abandonment: When an SC decides they do not want an item, instead of returning it to the proper location, it will be left in any random place, preferably across for mthe store of where it orginated. If said item is perishible, it will be placedi n a wamr area, and if said item is leaky, it will be placed amongst items it will leak onto and ruin the non air tight containers, rendering alot of if not the whole shipment contaminated.

[Deceptitech]

Tardknockers Law: No matter how incompetent the person is, technical support will cater to my every need and walk me through EVERY LITTLE ASPECT of whatever is purchased, that the customer does not need to pick up the owners manual.

ex: "Ok, you've taught me to plug it in, turn it on, and went through each program that it has on the new device. Now I need you to wipe my ass, fix my dinner, and tuck me into bed."

Accessibility's law: If the store does not offer a particular product in your area, please feel free to scream, yell and threaten until you get the answer you want.(this is common with international borders, as governments are the second least productive unit on the planet. First being religion)

ex: So I can't get this new product in Canada? Why not? The government said so? What do you mean? I want it, and I am willing to break the law to get one.(no offense to Canadians, as many people here in the states demand things that aren't available here for the very same reasons)

Will have more later.

[Geek King]

this is common with international borders, as governments are the second least productive unit on the planet. First being religion)

I have to disagree. Religeon can at least administer a charity effectively.

OT:

Love the icon Deceptitech. One of the greatest movies of all time.
WHEEL! OF! FISH!