Tweet
Victor of Sumer
Yes, it is time for my weekly.....deposit. Where we learn things about our fellow humans that really we were probably better off not knowing.
Twitter
Me: “And your phone number please?”
SC: “xxx-xxx-…….”
Me: “…….”
SC: “……1……uh…..”
Me: “……..”
SC: “……um..”
So close, yet so far. You even knew the area code and everything! I don’t understand. Usually the last four to seven numbers are all you know. The only numbers that managed to fling out their arms and legs to avoid being drained through the sieve of your mind. Desperately clinging on lest they be flushed out of your porous consciousness. So what happened? Actually, you leaped on that area code the moment I asked for a phone number. With some enthusiasm I might add. Did you know from experience I would ask for it? Were you trying to please me, when things when terribly wrong?
Wait....is it possible your brain actually has some sort of numerical upper limit? You can only formulate so many characters per thought? Like some sort of horrifically downscaled mental Twitter? Hmm…Wait just a minute. You managed to cough up 7 numbers before your mind imploded on itself. That’s the maximum amount of numbers in any given product ID code in the catalog……..Oh God, it’s true, isn’t it? 7 numbers per thought is your cognitive limit. That’s why you normally always give me 4-7 numbers for your phone number and I always have to ask again for the area code. The entire phone number is overwhelming your internal character limit. So it has to be broken up into two different thoughts. If I have to task two different questions to form the complete number, your brain can handle it.
This is most intriguing. Sad and disappointing for the future of humanity, but intriguing. It would also explain your reluctance to use big words or complete sentences. This must be an integral restriction on every level. No more than 7 letters per word or 7 words per sentence. This explains why you never have credit cards and so very rarely offer up a tax exemption numbers even though you have one. Its 10 digits long.
Suddenly it all makes perfect sense.
Hot Tips
SC: “Hi, my name is Vick.”
Hello, Vick. Haven’t finished packing yet I take it?
SC: “I just saw Craig Ferguson’s show and he called me by my original name. Or my people by our original name.”
Me: “…..”
SC: “A-R-A-T-T-A. Nobody ever calls us that anymore! They don’t even call us by our ancestral name."
…….so you do think you have a people. Aratta? I know I’ll regret this but fine, let’s ask the Internet……….a mythical Sumerian land full of gold and riches? Really, Vick? You and your “people” are mythical Sumerians? Who do battle with Al-Qaida? Look, I don’t know what they give you normally to stop you from winding up in a Starbucks wearing nothing but a smile and a strategically placed copy of the Da Vinci Code, but tell them to up the dosage, would you?
Me: “I would have no idea.”
SC: “You wouldn’t have any idea, would you?”
Me: “No, not in the slightest.”
SC: “Oh ok, thanks. Bye.”
The most baffling part about this is he thinks I would know. Specifically, he thinks Craig Ferguson is talking to him through the TV and rather than question that, he’s questioning Craig Ferguson’s information source. People on the TV talking to him personally is perfectly fine, he just wants to know where they’re getting their info.
Dan-El
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Yes, me like to order.”
I’m sure you do. If I might say, you are quite possibly the dullest sounding human being I have ever spoken with. Which is truly saying something when you consider my years of experience here. You can just tell by your voice. Never mind the sentence structure. Your wits aren’t sharp enough to cut wind.
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Dan..-el”
Me: “…Daniel? D-a-n-i-e-l?”
SC: “……..”
Me: “Is that correct? ......Hello?”
SC: “………”
Could someone there hit CTRL-ALT-DEL, please?
Dan-El II
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Yeah, may I like to order.”
Hello again, Dan-El. I have utterly no idea what you just attempted to say, so I shall assume you do wish to place an order.
Me: “Alright, and your name please?”
SC: “……n-i-e-l.”
Did you just finish a thought from your last call?
Me: “……I’m sorry, what was that?”
SC: “Dan-El.”
This isn’t even annoying or funny or anything. It’s just….sad. It’s like watching a turtle on its back. You know it must suck being the last survivor of an alien world sent to our planet only to have our sun magnify your idiocy rather than your strength.
Me: “And your last name, please?”
SC: “K…..I mean Q.”
You’re wearing a helmet and oven mitts right now, aren’t you?
Me: “And your postal code please?”
SC: “17.”
And a mouth guard.
Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “xxxx”
Me: “What size?”
SC: “XL”
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “Dat….dat it”
Congratulations, that’s a $9 t-shirt with $40 shipping and handling. Though I would be lying if I said I was surprised by this turn of events.
Go To Bed
You know, I have some tolerance for late night calls on this line if they’re calling from the east coast. Because hey, its least its 5-6am there and perhaps they own some sort of dawn triggered animal such as a rooster. You, however, admitted readily that you are in the same time zone as I. Thus, it is 2am there as well. You have also admitted your source of information as the interwebs. So it is 2am, you are alone, were on the Internet looking for a home renovations and are now calling me about a window frame. At 2am.
This is not a call for information. This is a cry for help.
It's True!
Me: “And your phone number please?”
SC: “xxx-xxx…-x…..um....”
See! SEE?! 7! My theory holds!
Career Options
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Velvet Roulette”
……don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m pretty sure I know what industry you’re employed in now.
Me: “What size?”
SC: “Medium”
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “No, that’s it……for now.”
That was….unnecessarily menacing. I’m not sure why you felt the need to level that at me in much the same manner as a cartoon villain bu-…..wait a second. There are only two kinds of people with a name like that. “Exotic Dancers” and Bond Girls™. Ahhh, it all makes sense now. That isn’t your, er…..stage name. You’re actually the attractive femme fatale henchman of a super villain who despite living a life of evil will turn on her boss in a heartbeat in the face of Sean Connery’s handsome charm.
Granted, so would I. But that is beside the point.
Silly Me
SC: “Yes I just called for while ago for a technician.”
Me: “Yes?”
SC: “And he's coming in from Surrey! That's almost an hour away! Why is he in Surrey!?!?"
For future reference, it seems the correct answer to this question is not: “Because he lives there”.
All I Need To Know
SC: “Ya, I dun' bought me one of yall's <product> an-“
-d now you’re having trouble installing it. I know. It’s ok. Your sentence structure clearly conveyed the problem, you don’t need to explain. In fact I don’t even need any details. I can solve both our problems based off that half sentence alone: Just take it back to store right now and get a refund. Forget it exists. In fact you should probably return any and all tools you own or purchased for the installation that are still within the return window as well. Especially power tools. Trust me on this.
<sob>
Me: “Alright, do you have a box number?”
SC: “No.”
Me: “Alright, what’s the address then please?”
SC: “Box number xx.”
Pardon me a moment whilst I quell my murderous rage……..ok, there we go. Now, back to the topic at hand. Did you even listen to a word I said? I’m going to assume this was just general stupidity and not malicious intent. You do not sound intelligent enough for malicious intent. Honestly, you do not sound intelligent enough to make it from Step 1 to Step 3 of the directions on the back of a box of Kraft Dinner without ending up in the ER getting a toe reattached. But that is beside the point.
Daredevil
SC: “Yes, the front door isn't latching properly. Now there’s been people coming up from the third floor. I hear them. I can tell they’re strangers by the way they walk.”
They are ladies men, with no time to talk? It's alright, it's ok. I'll page maintenance right away.
Duck
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “…….um……….uh…….”
My lord, there are only two possible answers here and the question isn’t particular difficult. Since it encompasses the entire reason you are calling. This does not bode well.
Me: “And your first name please?”
SC: “C-A-W-A-Q.”
Me: “C-A-W-A-Q?”
SC: “Yeah.”
Me: “Alright, and the last name?”
SC: “Uhh....uh.....C-A-W-A-Q?”
…….Cawaq Cawaq……ok, seriously. This is not a name. This is the sound of duck from Brooklyn.
Me: “Which catalog are you ordering from?”
SC: “Uh….number…..uh…..um…..0…..1…..6….9….6…..7”
Me: “….alright, but which catalog is it in?”
SC: “Uh….is colour….uh…..purple.”
Me: “Yes, but which catalog is the item in?”
SC: “Oh, um, you……uh…….2010.”
Me: “What season?”
SC: “Uh…….um…..C-O-M-P-A-N-Y, um, C-A-T-A-L-O-G.”
Dear god. Please, just listen to me. Also, the word is "Catalog". It is the paper object you are currently clutching in your meat fists or possibly with your feet. You do give off a certain impression of "opposable toes". So I can't rule out any possibilities.
Me: “……..yes, but what season? Fall?”
SC: “Uh…what?”
Me: “Is it the fall catalog?”
SC: “Uh, yeah.”
Thank you, Jeebus.
Me: “Anything else?”
SC: “uh…yeah…..uh….dis number: 0-0-0-7-6-7”
Me: “That's not a valid product number.....”
SC: “Oh….uh.....0-0-1-3...uh....-2-4-5-7-6-7?”
This is not a scenario where simply adding more numbers is going to result in success. I realize you are quite proud of your complete inability to count to 7, but you do not need to share. I fully believe you cannot count to 7. I don’t need a live demonstration.
Me: “What colour?”
SC: “T...tew....ta.....uh….t….u….l…i…p?”
Me: “Tulip.”
SC: “Taluw?”
I’m beginning to find this most confusing. Wikipedia assures me that Nunavut means “Our Land” and not “The Land In Which The Spoken Word Goes To Die”. Are you sure that’s the right translation? Because in my experience the evidence is overwhelmingly for the latter interpretation.
My Office Is Odd
Right, I never thought I would have to ask this question but: Why is there an inflatable wallaby sitting at my desk? Anyone? Bueller?
annnnd rest. -.-
Me: “And your phone number please?”
SC: “xxx-xxx-…….”
Me: “…….”
SC: “……1……uh…..”
Me: “……..”
SC: “……um..”
So close, yet so far. You even knew the area code and everything! I don’t understand. Usually the last four to seven numbers are all you know. The only numbers that managed to fling out their arms and legs to avoid being drained through the sieve of your mind. Desperately clinging on lest they be flushed out of your porous consciousness. So what happened? Actually, you leaped on that area code the moment I asked for a phone number. With some enthusiasm I might add. Did you know from experience I would ask for it? Were you trying to please me, when things when terribly wrong?
Wait....is it possible your brain actually has some sort of numerical upper limit? You can only formulate so many characters per thought? Like some sort of horrifically downscaled mental Twitter? Hmm…Wait just a minute. You managed to cough up 7 numbers before your mind imploded on itself. That’s the maximum amount of numbers in any given product ID code in the catalog……..Oh God, it’s true, isn’t it? 7 numbers per thought is your cognitive limit. That’s why you normally always give me 4-7 numbers for your phone number and I always have to ask again for the area code. The entire phone number is overwhelming your internal character limit. So it has to be broken up into two different thoughts. If I have to task two different questions to form the complete number, your brain can handle it.
This is most intriguing. Sad and disappointing for the future of humanity, but intriguing. It would also explain your reluctance to use big words or complete sentences. This must be an integral restriction on every level. No more than 7 letters per word or 7 words per sentence. This explains why you never have credit cards and so very rarely offer up a tax exemption numbers even though you have one. Its 10 digits long.
Suddenly it all makes perfect sense.
Hot Tips
SC: “Hi, my name is Vick.”
Hello, Vick. Haven’t finished packing yet I take it?
SC: “I just saw Craig Ferguson’s show and he called me by my original name. Or my people by our original name.”
Me: “…..”
SC: “A-R-A-T-T-A. Nobody ever calls us that anymore! They don’t even call us by our ancestral name."
…….so you do think you have a people. Aratta? I know I’ll regret this but fine, let’s ask the Internet……….a mythical Sumerian land full of gold and riches? Really, Vick? You and your “people” are mythical Sumerians? Who do battle with Al-Qaida? Look, I don’t know what they give you normally to stop you from winding up in a Starbucks wearing nothing but a smile and a strategically placed copy of the Da Vinci Code, but tell them to up the dosage, would you?
Me: “I would have no idea.”
SC: “You wouldn’t have any idea, would you?”
Me: “No, not in the slightest.”
SC: “Oh ok, thanks. Bye.”
The most baffling part about this is he thinks I would know. Specifically, he thinks Craig Ferguson is talking to him through the TV and rather than question that, he’s questioning Craig Ferguson’s information source. People on the TV talking to him personally is perfectly fine, he just wants to know where they’re getting their info.
Dan-El
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Yes, me like to order.”
I’m sure you do. If I might say, you are quite possibly the dullest sounding human being I have ever spoken with. Which is truly saying something when you consider my years of experience here. You can just tell by your voice. Never mind the sentence structure. Your wits aren’t sharp enough to cut wind.
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Dan..-el”
Me: “…Daniel? D-a-n-i-e-l?”
SC: “……..”
Me: “Is that correct? ......Hello?”
SC: “………”
Could someone there hit CTRL-ALT-DEL, please?
Dan-El II
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Yeah, may I like to order.”
Hello again, Dan-El. I have utterly no idea what you just attempted to say, so I shall assume you do wish to place an order.
Me: “Alright, and your name please?”
SC: “……n-i-e-l.”
Did you just finish a thought from your last call?
Me: “……I’m sorry, what was that?”
SC: “Dan-El.”
This isn’t even annoying or funny or anything. It’s just….sad. It’s like watching a turtle on its back. You know it must suck being the last survivor of an alien world sent to our planet only to have our sun magnify your idiocy rather than your strength.
Me: “And your last name, please?”
SC: “K…..I mean Q.”
You’re wearing a helmet and oven mitts right now, aren’t you?
Me: “And your postal code please?”
SC: “17.”
And a mouth guard.
Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “xxxx”
Me: “What size?”
SC: “XL”
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “Dat….dat it”
Congratulations, that’s a $9 t-shirt with $40 shipping and handling. Though I would be lying if I said I was surprised by this turn of events.
Go To Bed
You know, I have some tolerance for late night calls on this line if they’re calling from the east coast. Because hey, its least its 5-6am there and perhaps they own some sort of dawn triggered animal such as a rooster. You, however, admitted readily that you are in the same time zone as I. Thus, it is 2am there as well. You have also admitted your source of information as the interwebs. So it is 2am, you are alone, were on the Internet looking for a home renovations and are now calling me about a window frame. At 2am.
This is not a call for information. This is a cry for help.
It's True!
Me: “And your phone number please?”
SC: “xxx-xxx…-x…..um....”
See! SEE?! 7! My theory holds!
Career Options
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Velvet Roulette”
……don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m pretty sure I know what industry you’re employed in now.
Me: “What size?”
SC: “Medium”
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “No, that’s it……for now.”
That was….unnecessarily menacing. I’m not sure why you felt the need to level that at me in much the same manner as a cartoon villain bu-…..wait a second. There are only two kinds of people with a name like that. “Exotic Dancers” and Bond Girls™. Ahhh, it all makes sense now. That isn’t your, er…..stage name. You’re actually the attractive femme fatale henchman of a super villain who despite living a life of evil will turn on her boss in a heartbeat in the face of Sean Connery’s handsome charm.
Granted, so would I. But that is beside the point.
Silly Me
SC: “Yes I just called for while ago for a technician.”
Me: “Yes?”
SC: “And he's coming in from Surrey! That's almost an hour away! Why is he in Surrey!?!?"
For future reference, it seems the correct answer to this question is not: “Because he lives there”.
All I Need To Know
SC: “Ya, I dun' bought me one of yall's <product> an-“
-d now you’re having trouble installing it. I know. It’s ok. Your sentence structure clearly conveyed the problem, you don’t need to explain. In fact I don’t even need any details. I can solve both our problems based off that half sentence alone: Just take it back to store right now and get a refund. Forget it exists. In fact you should probably return any and all tools you own or purchased for the installation that are still within the return window as well. Especially power tools. Trust me on this.
<sob>
Me: “Alright, do you have a box number?”
SC: “No.”
Me: “Alright, what’s the address then please?”
SC: “Box number xx.”
Pardon me a moment whilst I quell my murderous rage……..ok, there we go. Now, back to the topic at hand. Did you even listen to a word I said? I’m going to assume this was just general stupidity and not malicious intent. You do not sound intelligent enough for malicious intent. Honestly, you do not sound intelligent enough to make it from Step 1 to Step 3 of the directions on the back of a box of Kraft Dinner without ending up in the ER getting a toe reattached. But that is beside the point.
Daredevil
SC: “Yes, the front door isn't latching properly. Now there’s been people coming up from the third floor. I hear them. I can tell they’re strangers by the way they walk.”
They are ladies men, with no time to talk? It's alright, it's ok. I'll page maintenance right away.
Duck
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “…….um……….uh…….”
My lord, there are only two possible answers here and the question isn’t particular difficult. Since it encompasses the entire reason you are calling. This does not bode well.
Me: “And your first name please?”
SC: “C-A-W-A-Q.”
Me: “C-A-W-A-Q?”
SC: “Yeah.”
Me: “Alright, and the last name?”
SC: “Uhh....uh.....C-A-W-A-Q?”
…….Cawaq Cawaq……ok, seriously. This is not a name. This is the sound of duck from Brooklyn.
Me: “Which catalog are you ordering from?”
SC: “Uh….number…..uh…..um…..0…..1…..6….9….6…..7”
Me: “….alright, but which catalog is it in?”
SC: “Uh….is colour….uh…..purple.”
Me: “Yes, but which catalog is the item in?”
SC: “Oh, um, you……uh…….2010.”
Me: “What season?”
SC: “Uh…….um…..C-O-M-P-A-N-Y, um, C-A-T-A-L-O-G.”
Dear god. Please, just listen to me. Also, the word is "Catalog". It is the paper object you are currently clutching in your meat fists or possibly with your feet. You do give off a certain impression of "opposable toes". So I can't rule out any possibilities.
Me: “……..yes, but what season? Fall?”
SC: “Uh…what?”
Me: “Is it the fall catalog?”
SC: “Uh, yeah.”
Thank you, Jeebus.
Me: “Anything else?”
SC: “uh…yeah…..uh….dis number: 0-0-0-7-6-7”
Me: “That's not a valid product number.....”
SC: “Oh….uh.....0-0-1-3...uh....-2-4-5-7-6-7?”
This is not a scenario where simply adding more numbers is going to result in success. I realize you are quite proud of your complete inability to count to 7, but you do not need to share. I fully believe you cannot count to 7. I don’t need a live demonstration.
Me: “What colour?”
SC: “T...tew....ta.....uh….t….u….l…i…p?”
Me: “Tulip.”
SC: “Taluw?”
I’m beginning to find this most confusing. Wikipedia assures me that Nunavut means “Our Land” and not “The Land In Which The Spoken Word Goes To Die”. Are you sure that’s the right translation? Because in my experience the evidence is overwhelmingly for the latter interpretation.
My Office Is Odd
Right, I never thought I would have to ask this question but: Why is there an inflatable wallaby sitting at my desk? Anyone? Bueller?
annnnd rest. -.-
That is just downright funny shit, right there. 
He is my Black Dragon (and yes, a good one) strong, protective, the guardian. I am his Silver Dragon, always by his side, shining for him, cherishing him.
Comment