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"I think I have to put the phone down, before I write the number down."
Poor planning, thy name is Customer.
I got a call from a customer who apparently wanted to upgrade his software. He was absolutely SCREAMING into a bad cell, very loudly, and mostly without punctuation. To make things worse, there was a terrible noise in the background that I knew I'd heard before, but just couldn't place.
Customer: "HI IVE GOT YOUR SOFTWARE FROM THREE YEARS AGO AND --HELLO!? ARE YOU THERE?"
Me: "Yes, I am. You were saying you have one of our products?"
Customer: "YES AND I WAS USING IT AND I REALLY --HELLO!? ARE YOU THERE?"
Me: "Yes sir, I am still here. What can I help you with?"
Customer: "I LIKE YOUR SOFTWARE AND I WANTED TO ORDER THE LATEST VERSION CAN I --HELLO!? ARE YOU THERE?"
Me: "Yes, sir, I am still here."
Customer: "CAN I DO IT OVER THE PHONE"
Me: "Certainly, I'd be delighted to help you with that. May I please have your name?"
[We go through the process of taking his name, address, and other information. Every few seconds he checks to see if I'm there.]
Me: "Excellent, and the last thing I need is a credit card number. I accept Visa, MasterCard, and American Express."
[stunned silence]
Me: "Hello!? Are you there?" [I had been WAITING for a moment to say that.]
Customer: "But...I'm...I'm...I don't HAVE my Visa."
Me: "Okay...?"
Customer: "I'm in my hot tub." [So THAT'S what that sound was!]
[pause]
Customer: "I...I...I guess I should have thought this through."
We worked out that he should call me back later, when he got out of his hot tub. Astonishingly, he actually did, and I got the sale.
Being a programmer, I would never have come up with this all on my own.
"We know that computers are basically here to stay, which is quite good. Actually it's very good."
Woah there, Zuckerberg! I'm going to want to wait and see some conclusive proof before I go about making wild assumptions like that!
Psychic, thy name is Mango.
Customer: "Hello. My name is Edgar Thompson. I've moved and I'd like to give you my new address and phone number."
Me: "Certainly; go ahead please."
Customer: "Wait...don't you want my name first?"
Me: "...Edgar Thompson?"
[There is a VERY long pause. When he finally speaks, it's so quiet he's practically whispering.]
Customer: "How...how the
did you know that?"
The best part is, now that I have your new phone number, my system will figure out who is calling next time you call, by your caller ID. In fact, if I read the notes on your account fast enough, I'll be able to not only greet you by name, but tell you the answer to your question before you've even spoken.
Won't that be fun?
He seemed impressed, and I did not dissuade him of his notion.
I was troubleshooting a customer's internet connection. I opened up a command prompt and typed ipconfig to find out what the IP address was.
Customer: "Awwww! Look at you! You're right in there writing the HTML code, and everything!"
If you don't know the technology, that doesn't matter - neither did he. What he said made no sense.
My advice is always by the book.
Customer very agitated. Customer states: "I don't know why there are so many books!" Customer states there are too many books for her to read. I suggest customer start by reading one single book. When she finishes, she can read an additional book, if she wants. Resolution: customer pacified.
Okay, granted, I have years of experience with this technique known as "thinking outside the box," and I'm pretty good at figuring out solutions to complex problems. That is, in fact, my job.
But, just so you know, this solution wasn't particularly hard to come up with.
I had to leave this story for last, because I will probably have a headache just from writing it.
Me: "Okay, so the phone number of your doctor is 604-555-8139."
Customer: "Okay. 60--" [BANG] "OW!"
Me: "..."
Customer: "...I, uh, dropped the phone. What was that number again?"
Me: "604-555-8139."
Customer: "Okay. 6--" [BANG] "OH!"
Me: "...!?"
Customer: "Sorry, again. I think I have to put the phone down, before I write the number down. What was it again?"
Me: "604-555-8139."
Customer: "Okay. Hang on." [I can hear him talking to himself in the background.] "Six...six...uh...six? Six?" [He comes back on] "What's after six?"
Me: "Uh, 0."
Customer: "Okay. Hang on. Zero. Zero. Zeeeee...ro. Zero. Zero! And then?"
Me: "4."
[We go through the ENTIRE number in this fashion.]
Customer: "Okay. Let me read that back to you. 604-505-8139."
FRAK.
Me: "No, it's 604-555-8139."
Customer: "604-555-8139?"
Me: [Yes, thank goodness!] "Yes, that's correct."
Customer: "But...that's...not...enough...numbers."
Me: "...I can assure you that it is exactly ten numbers."
Customer: "604-555-8139, that's not ten numbers."
Me: "..."
Customer: "604-55-8139, I mean."
[pause]
Me: "Okay. 604."
Customer: "604."
Me: "555."
Customer: "505."
Me: "No, 555."
Customer: "...505?"
Me: "Five. Five. Five. Three fives."
[silence]
Customer: "OHHH! 555! Why didn't you SAY that BEFORE?!"
Okay. If that was one of my friends playing a practical joke, I am really going to hurt them later when I find out who. And if you were an actual customer, I am going to find out where you live and hurt you anyway. Regardless, somebody is going to get hurt and I am NOT responsible.
And, pardon me for mentioning this, but I am still puzzled as to why you cannot hold the phone between your shoulder and one ear.
I got a call from a customer who apparently wanted to upgrade his software. He was absolutely SCREAMING into a bad cell, very loudly, and mostly without punctuation. To make things worse, there was a terrible noise in the background that I knew I'd heard before, but just couldn't place.
Customer: "HI IVE GOT YOUR SOFTWARE FROM THREE YEARS AGO AND --HELLO!? ARE YOU THERE?"
Me: "Yes, I am. You were saying you have one of our products?"
Customer: "YES AND I WAS USING IT AND I REALLY --HELLO!? ARE YOU THERE?"
Me: "Yes sir, I am still here. What can I help you with?"
Customer: "I LIKE YOUR SOFTWARE AND I WANTED TO ORDER THE LATEST VERSION CAN I --HELLO!? ARE YOU THERE?"
Me: "Yes, sir, I am still here."
Customer: "CAN I DO IT OVER THE PHONE"
Me: "Certainly, I'd be delighted to help you with that. May I please have your name?"
[We go through the process of taking his name, address, and other information. Every few seconds he checks to see if I'm there.]
Me: "Excellent, and the last thing I need is a credit card number. I accept Visa, MasterCard, and American Express."
[stunned silence]
Me: "Hello!? Are you there?" [I had been WAITING for a moment to say that.]
Customer: "But...I'm...I'm...I don't HAVE my Visa."
Me: "Okay...?"
Customer: "I'm in my hot tub." [So THAT'S what that sound was!]
[pause]
Customer: "I...I...I guess I should have thought this through."
We worked out that he should call me back later, when he got out of his hot tub. Astonishingly, he actually did, and I got the sale.
Being a programmer, I would never have come up with this all on my own.
"We know that computers are basically here to stay, which is quite good. Actually it's very good."
Woah there, Zuckerberg! I'm going to want to wait and see some conclusive proof before I go about making wild assumptions like that!
Psychic, thy name is Mango.
Customer: "Hello. My name is Edgar Thompson. I've moved and I'd like to give you my new address and phone number."
Me: "Certainly; go ahead please."
Customer: "Wait...don't you want my name first?"
Me: "...Edgar Thompson?"
[There is a VERY long pause. When he finally speaks, it's so quiet he's practically whispering.]
Customer: "How...how the
did you know that?"The best part is, now that I have your new phone number, my system will figure out who is calling next time you call, by your caller ID. In fact, if I read the notes on your account fast enough, I'll be able to not only greet you by name, but tell you the answer to your question before you've even spoken.
Won't that be fun?
He seemed impressed, and I did not dissuade him of his notion.
I was troubleshooting a customer's internet connection. I opened up a command prompt and typed ipconfig to find out what the IP address was.
Customer: "Awwww! Look at you! You're right in there writing the HTML code, and everything!"
If you don't know the technology, that doesn't matter - neither did he. What he said made no sense.
My advice is always by the book.
Customer very agitated. Customer states: "I don't know why there are so many books!" Customer states there are too many books for her to read. I suggest customer start by reading one single book. When she finishes, she can read an additional book, if she wants. Resolution: customer pacified.
Okay, granted, I have years of experience with this technique known as "thinking outside the box," and I'm pretty good at figuring out solutions to complex problems. That is, in fact, my job.
But, just so you know, this solution wasn't particularly hard to come up with.
I had to leave this story for last, because I will probably have a headache just from writing it.
Me: "Okay, so the phone number of your doctor is 604-555-8139."
Customer: "Okay. 60--" [BANG] "OW!"
Me: "..."
Customer: "...I, uh, dropped the phone. What was that number again?"
Me: "604-555-8139."
Customer: "Okay. 6--" [BANG] "OH!"
Me: "...!?"
Customer: "Sorry, again. I think I have to put the phone down, before I write the number down. What was it again?"
Me: "604-555-8139."
Customer: "Okay. Hang on." [I can hear him talking to himself in the background.] "Six...six...uh...six? Six?" [He comes back on] "What's after six?"
Me: "Uh, 0."
Customer: "Okay. Hang on. Zero. Zero. Zeeeee...ro. Zero. Zero! And then?"
Me: "4."
[We go through the ENTIRE number in this fashion.]
Customer: "Okay. Let me read that back to you. 604-505-8139."
FRAK.
Me: "No, it's 604-555-8139."
Customer: "604-555-8139?"
Me: [Yes, thank goodness!] "Yes, that's correct."
Customer: "But...that's...not...enough...numbers."
Me: "...I can assure you that it is exactly ten numbers."
Customer: "604-555-8139, that's not ten numbers."
Me: "..."
Customer: "604-55-8139, I mean."
[pause]
Me: "Okay. 604."
Customer: "604."
Me: "555."
Customer: "505."
Me: "No, 555."
Customer: "...505?"
Me: "Five. Five. Five. Three fives."
[silence]
Customer: "OHHH! 555! Why didn't you SAY that BEFORE?!"
Okay. If that was one of my friends playing a practical joke, I am really going to hurt them later when I find out who. And if you were an actual customer, I am going to find out where you live and hurt you anyway. Regardless, somebody is going to get hurt and I am NOT responsible.
And, pardon me for mentioning this, but I am still puzzled as to why you cannot hold the phone between your shoulder and one ear.
Cell phones are neither cheap nor waterproof. At least he admitted it was his own fault for not thinking it through. Apparently he had enough brains to realize he didn't have much brains. 
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