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OMG HAI GAIS!!! 
Been a while since my last post...was so burned out on everything, even posting stories of how much work ticked me off was just too much to deal with. Still, I decided I could use some stress relief...and so here we are, once more. Come with me again as we share my deep-seated pain and anguish...in Hotel Reservations Land!!!
Farking kill me.
Hand-Out Boy
SC: Hi, I used to come there a lot with (company), but I left that company; is there any way I can get their same rate?
Me: ...no. There's no way I can give you a corporation's rate if you don't work for them any more.
SC: Well, I want to keep coming there, but I always had a rate of $145...I looked online and it says your rates for (dates) are almost $400 a night though!
Me: Yes sir, without the negotiated rate, our regular rooms do change in cost from day to day; we're also pretty close to full those days, which raises the price.
SC: So you're not going to do anything, you're just going to lose a customer?
Me: (God I fucking hope so) You just told me you no longer worked for (company); there's no way I can give you their rates if you don't work for them. They do get a report of who is staying under their rates, so they would just call and have you taken off of their rate regardless.
SC: But...
Me: So there's not much I can do. If you want to set up a rate for your new company, that may be an option for you, but we cannot honor your previous rate any longer.
SC: ......
Me: ......
SC: ......
Me: ...... (and this is where Weird Al sings "And I looked at him...")
SC: ...... (And he looked at me...)
Me: .......... (and I looked at him...)
SC: ......................... (and he looked at me...)
Me: ....................................... (And I looked at him...)
SC: .................................................. .(AND HE LOOKED AT MEEEE!)
*Click*
Oh merciful fucking gods, thank you.
Actually, if the gods were merciful, he would never have called in the first place. CURSE YOU MERCIFUL POSEIDON!!!
Yes, not even.
SC: Hi, do you have any rooms tonight?
Me: I'm afraid not, we're completely full.
SC: Not even one?
No, you vapid, walrus-lipped hosebeast. Not. Even. One. You see, the concept of being "sold out" is about the same as being "completely devoid of that thing which everyone wants." Let's put it into terms that would apply to you more directly; here are some immediate examples:
- Bereft of anything resembling brain matter
- Deprived of virginity since the "trucker incident" of '97
- Similar to your healthy, non-STD-ridden existence. IE, "absent"
So no, I do not have even one room left. That's why I said I had none left. It still isn't a game we play, or some password where you have to ask three times and suddenly an extra room grows in the basement, so let's just end this conversation now, yes?
SC: Not even one of your suites?
Seriously, fuck you! Fuck you so much!!! I wish I could hate you to death.
Fucking Daddy's Boy
This one's more of a rant, because there are just too many conversations to go over; we have a lawyer who stays at the hotel who gets a special rate for his company, even though he's the only one who stays. They basically made it for him because he is a raving assfucktard-dickhead (not surprisingly, the Firefox dictionary doesn't recognize that work...well it should)! Lawyerboy, in addition to being a complete and utter fuck to everyone he talks to, is also known as "Daddy's Boy" to the reservation staff. Why?
Because, 99% of the time, he cannot call the hotel without having his dad sitting right next to him, coaching him. If anything goes wrong, he turns to his dad (on SPEAKER PHONE) and asks "what do you want me to do!?" He is incapable of holding a conversation without being a dick to someone, and if something goes wrong (like us being sold out), he can't think enough for himself without daddy making the decision for him.
I have a wish. One single wish. If (and when) I quit this godforsaken job, let this man call me one last time...he needs someone who will mouth off properly in those last moments. And the only other person that will inflict him on is the reservations manager, who we all despise anyway, so throwing a pissed off, whiny child at her doesn't really fill me with that much chagrin. Alternatively, if I can't have that, just put this guy out of everyone's misery...no one should be as worthless as he is.
Why no, I don't
SC: Do you have any rooms available for this week?
Me: Unfortunately, we are actually sold out for the dates you needed.
SC: ......
Me: .........are there any other dates I can check for you?
SC: Do you want to know who I am before you say no?
Captain Brass Testicles couldn't give two shits who you are before I say no. Here, watch:
Me: It doesn't really matter who anyone is, sir. We have no rooms to sell in the hotel, having sold them all. That narrows down my options considerably.
Wasn't that fun? Apparently, your attempt to make yourself seem important enough to bump and piss off someone else didn't work on me, but hey, let's see you try:
SC: Well my name is blah blah.
Me: .........Who?
It may seem like a monosyllabic response, but trust me...at that moment, it was rapier fucking wit. The result was fantastic; the guy was reduced to a sputtering lunatic when I not only didn't recognize his name, I pointed out that I couldn't find him on google (I couldn't) and it didn't look like he had ever stayed a night with us (he hadn't). So he must not be a very well known name, right?
Also, no. He didn't get a room, I didn't care, and I think he peed his pants. Captain Brass Testicles...AWAY!!!
God damnit, sir...
Me: Alright, what type of credit card would you like to use to hold the reservation?
SC: Citibank.
Me: ......
OK folks, I thought we were past this. We all know by now that the correct answer should be Visa, Mastercard, Discover, etc. Why can we not discover the holy grail of less-than-intelligence and stumble over the fact that no one gives a shit about the bank that issued your card? Just tell me it's a visa and move on, instead of making me play "guess the numbers" when you finally get around to telling me that the card number starts with a 4.
Wow...just...wow...
This one really caught me off guard...I've never had it before, and somehow never expected it...
SC: Yeah...I was supposed to stay there 2 weeks ago, but I didn't come and got charged the 1 night room and tax for a no show. I want to stay again, but can I get what I paid for that as a credit towards my next stay?
Me: .......................uh, what?
Oh yeah, that's me. Rapier wit still in effect. Although, admittedly, I'll admit that this probably wasn't as impressive as "Who?"
SC: Can I get the no show charge credited as if I'd already paid for a room night and stay again?
Me: .........So you had a no show two weeks ago...
SC: Mmm-hmm...
Me: ...that you were told you would be charged for...
SC: Uh, yeah...
Me: ...and now you want us to give you whatever you were charged BACK to pay for a new room. (This, by the way, was not a question.)
SC: Yeah.
Me: No. Just...no.
SC: Why not?
Me: You just said you were told you would be charged if you didn't show up.
SC: Yeah but...
Me: And then you didn't show up at all.
SC: Yeah, but...
Me: So we, being honest like that, charged you exactly what we told you we would charge: one night's room and tax.
SC: Yeah, but...
Me: That being said, you cost yourself that money, not us, by not coming in. If you want to stay with us, you are welcome to, but there would be no credit. You were informed that a charge would occur, so there was nothing unusual about the previous bill. Nothing you paid in the past will apply to future reservations.
SC: .......
Me: ........
SC: So, that's it?
Me: That is, as they say, it. Would you like to book a room?
SC: Uh...no...that's ok...
KO!!!!
A large voice screams over the PA system, and the SC bursts into an explosion of coins...Khiras has slain yet another foe!!! I still feel like I should kick him around a bit more; somewhere, I have deprived some village of its idiot. However, with this most recent victory, Captain Brass Testicles rides once more into the sunset...enhancing its majestic nature with his mere presence.
Now, if only someone would just kill me and get it over with, it would really save me some time...
Been a while since my last post...was so burned out on everything, even posting stories of how much work ticked me off was just too much to deal with. Still, I decided I could use some stress relief...and so here we are, once more. Come with me again as we share my deep-seated pain and anguish...in Hotel Reservations Land!!!Farking kill me.
Hand-Out Boy
SC: Hi, I used to come there a lot with (company), but I left that company; is there any way I can get their same rate?
Me: ...no. There's no way I can give you a corporation's rate if you don't work for them any more.
SC: Well, I want to keep coming there, but I always had a rate of $145...I looked online and it says your rates for (dates) are almost $400 a night though!
Me: Yes sir, without the negotiated rate, our regular rooms do change in cost from day to day; we're also pretty close to full those days, which raises the price.
SC: So you're not going to do anything, you're just going to lose a customer?
Me: (God I fucking hope so) You just told me you no longer worked for (company); there's no way I can give you their rates if you don't work for them. They do get a report of who is staying under their rates, so they would just call and have you taken off of their rate regardless.
SC: But...
Me: So there's not much I can do. If you want to set up a rate for your new company, that may be an option for you, but we cannot honor your previous rate any longer.
SC: ......
Me: ......
SC: ......
Me: ...... (and this is where Weird Al sings "And I looked at him...")
SC: ...... (And he looked at me...)
Me: .......... (and I looked at him...)
SC: ......................... (and he looked at me...)
Me: ....................................... (And I looked at him...)
SC: .................................................. .(AND HE LOOKED AT MEEEE!)
*Click*
Oh merciful fucking gods, thank you.
Actually, if the gods were merciful, he would never have called in the first place. CURSE YOU MERCIFUL POSEIDON!!!
Yes, not even.
SC: Hi, do you have any rooms tonight?
Me: I'm afraid not, we're completely full.
SC: Not even one?
No, you vapid, walrus-lipped hosebeast. Not. Even. One. You see, the concept of being "sold out" is about the same as being "completely devoid of that thing which everyone wants." Let's put it into terms that would apply to you more directly; here are some immediate examples:
- Bereft of anything resembling brain matter
- Deprived of virginity since the "trucker incident" of '97
- Similar to your healthy, non-STD-ridden existence. IE, "absent"
So no, I do not have even one room left. That's why I said I had none left. It still isn't a game we play, or some password where you have to ask three times and suddenly an extra room grows in the basement, so let's just end this conversation now, yes?
SC: Not even one of your suites?
Seriously, fuck you! Fuck you so much!!! I wish I could hate you to death.
Fucking Daddy's Boy
This one's more of a rant, because there are just too many conversations to go over; we have a lawyer who stays at the hotel who gets a special rate for his company, even though he's the only one who stays. They basically made it for him because he is a raving assfucktard-dickhead (not surprisingly, the Firefox dictionary doesn't recognize that work...well it should)! Lawyerboy, in addition to being a complete and utter fuck to everyone he talks to, is also known as "Daddy's Boy" to the reservation staff. Why?
Because, 99% of the time, he cannot call the hotel without having his dad sitting right next to him, coaching him. If anything goes wrong, he turns to his dad (on SPEAKER PHONE) and asks "what do you want me to do!?" He is incapable of holding a conversation without being a dick to someone, and if something goes wrong (like us being sold out), he can't think enough for himself without daddy making the decision for him.
I have a wish. One single wish. If (and when) I quit this godforsaken job, let this man call me one last time...he needs someone who will mouth off properly in those last moments. And the only other person that will inflict him on is the reservations manager, who we all despise anyway, so throwing a pissed off, whiny child at her doesn't really fill me with that much chagrin. Alternatively, if I can't have that, just put this guy out of everyone's misery...no one should be as worthless as he is.
Why no, I don't
SC: Do you have any rooms available for this week?
Me: Unfortunately, we are actually sold out for the dates you needed.
SC: ......
Me: .........are there any other dates I can check for you?
SC: Do you want to know who I am before you say no?
Captain Brass Testicles couldn't give two shits who you are before I say no. Here, watch:
Me: It doesn't really matter who anyone is, sir. We have no rooms to sell in the hotel, having sold them all. That narrows down my options considerably.
Wasn't that fun? Apparently, your attempt to make yourself seem important enough to bump and piss off someone else didn't work on me, but hey, let's see you try:
SC: Well my name is blah blah.
Me: .........Who?
It may seem like a monosyllabic response, but trust me...at that moment, it was rapier fucking wit. The result was fantastic; the guy was reduced to a sputtering lunatic when I not only didn't recognize his name, I pointed out that I couldn't find him on google (I couldn't) and it didn't look like he had ever stayed a night with us (he hadn't). So he must not be a very well known name, right?
Also, no. He didn't get a room, I didn't care, and I think he peed his pants. Captain Brass Testicles...AWAY!!!
God damnit, sir...
Me: Alright, what type of credit card would you like to use to hold the reservation?
SC: Citibank.
Me: ......
OK folks, I thought we were past this. We all know by now that the correct answer should be Visa, Mastercard, Discover, etc. Why can we not discover the holy grail of less-than-intelligence and stumble over the fact that no one gives a shit about the bank that issued your card? Just tell me it's a visa and move on, instead of making me play "guess the numbers" when you finally get around to telling me that the card number starts with a 4.
Wow...just...wow...
This one really caught me off guard...I've never had it before, and somehow never expected it...
SC: Yeah...I was supposed to stay there 2 weeks ago, but I didn't come and got charged the 1 night room and tax for a no show. I want to stay again, but can I get what I paid for that as a credit towards my next stay?
Me: .......................uh, what?
Oh yeah, that's me. Rapier wit still in effect. Although, admittedly, I'll admit that this probably wasn't as impressive as "Who?"
SC: Can I get the no show charge credited as if I'd already paid for a room night and stay again?
Me: .........So you had a no show two weeks ago...
SC: Mmm-hmm...
Me: ...that you were told you would be charged for...
SC: Uh, yeah...
Me: ...and now you want us to give you whatever you were charged BACK to pay for a new room. (This, by the way, was not a question.)
SC: Yeah.
Me: No. Just...no.
SC: Why not?
Me: You just said you were told you would be charged if you didn't show up.
SC: Yeah but...
Me: And then you didn't show up at all.
SC: Yeah, but...
Me: So we, being honest like that, charged you exactly what we told you we would charge: one night's room and tax.
SC: Yeah, but...
Me: That being said, you cost yourself that money, not us, by not coming in. If you want to stay with us, you are welcome to, but there would be no credit. You were informed that a charge would occur, so there was nothing unusual about the previous bill. Nothing you paid in the past will apply to future reservations.
SC: .......
Me: ........
SC: So, that's it?
Me: That is, as they say, it. Would you like to book a room?
SC: Uh...no...that's ok...
KO!!!!
A large voice screams over the PA system, and the SC bursts into an explosion of coins...Khiras has slain yet another foe!!! I still feel like I should kick him around a bit more; somewhere, I have deprived some village of its idiot. However, with this most recent victory, Captain Brass Testicles rides once more into the sunset...enhancing its majestic nature with his mere presence.
Now, if only someone would just kill me and get it over with, it would really save me some time...
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