The Hunt For Tokyo Rose

[dalesys]

And Again

SC: “Yeah I wanna know about your training classes”
Me: “I’m afraid you have the wrong number.”
SC: “Oh….is there any way you have the right number?”

Oh, of course. There are many ways I have the right number. The aforementioned omni-sentience, witchcraft, voodoo, runic divination, precognition, possibly some sort of cyborg hivemind. However, I do not technically possess any of these ways. So no, I do not have this “right number” you speak of. ( And no, I can’t connect you to it either. Fuck off. ).

Meet at the Granville SkyTrain so I can see if I'm getting this Haruspicy correspondence course right.

[Ghel]

SC: “...uh.....uhhh......You wanna suck ma little d**k!?”

Please tell me you laughed in his face before hanging up on him.

[Talon]

I never thought I’d have to ask this question in a literal sense but: What planet are you from? And don't say Endor, I'm not falling for that. Even Ewoks were smart enough for simple tool use.

"Sir, we need to know what planet you are from so we can deliver your pants. Watch out for the fleet when it appears over your planet's horizon, and you'll know it's time for "delivery"."

I guess that makes two of us now that are aware you couldn't please a Fruit Loop.

Ouch, that was just cruel and unusual punishment. You realize that among your legion of fans, some of them may just eat fruit loops? I doubt anyone will look at them the same way after this post!

[Sonoma]

I would have thought a list of vasectomy providers & family planning clinics would have been on your speed dial so we can try to cut down on these idiots reproducing.

[superhotelworker]

Oh. My. God. Why...how are people so fscking stupid? <sob>

Lockjaw > Crying Game
I might need a rabies shot after words but hey. I’ll take a rabies shot over an hour of scrubbing myself down in the shower with tomato juice.

Aww, but didn't that make you LOVE the smell of tomato or anything tomato? :P you know it did..

Dear God
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “HERYAXGRUBLOOOK!!!!!!!!!!"
Me: “I’m sorry, can you spell your first name please?”
SC: “H……….E-R-Y-A-X”

My response would have been"Sir, did you just choke?" that's about what it looks like all spelled out.

Seriously?

SC: “I’m callin’ ta pay ma power bill.”
Me: “I’m afraid you have the wrong number.
SC: “Oh, can you just connect me then?”

We get this too at my work! I know how you feel. We're a few digits off of a doctors office and even during my night shift, we get calls of 'I need to make an appointment".

SC: “Oh, I’m sorry-YO MOTHER FUCKER WANNA SUCK MA DICK, BITCH?! SUCK MY DICK! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUUUUCK YOU!!!!!!!"
Me: “Have a bit of repressed rage over there, do we?”

Best comeback for a little kid being a dipstick ever.

I guess that makes two of us now that are aware you couldn't please a Fruit Loop.

I didn't know my ex reverted back to 12..

[Jester]

Oh. My. God. Why...how are people so fscking stupid?

I could answer this in a myriad of ways, many of them obvious to you, but instead, I'd rather let my friends from Harvey Danger answer it for me. Take it away, boys....

"Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding, the cretins cloning and feeding, and i don't even own a tv..."

Stupid people breed. They always have, and they always will. Until we find a way to stop them. Frankly, I don't have that much free time on my hands.

Charlotte, you say? Hmm….most curious. You don’t sound like a Charlotte. Unless it’s suppose to be Charlotte after the surgery. Otherwise, me thinks thou art deceiving me.

Not so fast, my friend. I have been on this planet for quite some time, and I have met more than one person of the female persuasion whose voice would give Barry White a run for his money. Generally these are not the most attractive females, but they ARE females. Not everyone is blessed with a voice the instantly and proudly announces their gender. (Luckily, though, (*I* was.)

Then go, find me this Charlotte. I will not hear her words through you. You have enough trouble with your own words. Fetch her, at once, I say.

Out of curiosity, why does it matter to you if someone is using a name other than their own for an order? Just wondering.

SC: “Like could you tell me where to go to get a vasectomy?”

…….no, no I could not. In fact out of all of the knowledge currently possessed by the human race, “Where can I find someone to cut me in the groin” is the absolute lowest on my list of information I wish to possess. I could do quite well and live a rather happy life never, ever knowing that one little tidbit.

Two points here. First, as many others have pointed out, considering some of your clientele, I would think you would want them to have this information readily available, and would yourself be more than happy to provide it. Secondly, one day you may actually decide you yourself want a vasectomy, if, for example, you decide that you don't want to father any miniature Gravekeepers. I myself have looked into this procedure in recent years, as I am quite happy being an uncle and, after dealing with three teenage nieces, have less than zero desire to ever be a father.

Clearly this endeavour will be ultimately unsuccessful and you fully acknowledge this, yet you persist. Are you some sort of weird failure sadist?

I should point out that if this person enjoys the pain of failure, they would in fact be a failure masochist. The people who enjoy bringing the pain of failure to others would actually be failure sadists. People like IRS auditors and the creators of Jersey Shore.

Your mere existence should embarrass all of us as a species.

This is a line I SO want to use on someone one of these days. Preferably to their face. Cause I'm evil like that.

Gravekeeper, it would be a fine idea to develop contacts with surgeons in your area who perform vasectomies, handing out the information freely to anyone who asks for it. Just think how that would cut down on future torment from pants-obsessed idiots!

I fear their is a major flaw to your theory, young lady. To wit, the fact that the vast majority of people who need to get vasectomies don't, and the vast majority of people who get vasectomies are not the people you wish wouldn't spawn.

Case in point: I do not have children, do not plan to have children, and am seriously considering a vasectomy to ensure that end result. On the other hand, neither Sarah Palin's father nor her husband had a vasectomy. I rest my case.

[Racket_Man]

Of Tiny Penii

Me: “How can I help you?”
SC: “Hello? ( In that obvious "I'm 12 trying to sound grown up voice" )”
Me: “.....Hi.”
SC: “Ok, what.”
Me: “….pardon?”
SC: “What is ya’lls website called?”
Me: “This is <company>-“
SC: “Oh, I’m sorry-YO MOTHER FUCKER WANNA SUCK MA DICK, BITCH?! SUCK MY DICK! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUUUUCK YOU!!!!!!!"
Me: “Have a bit of repressed rage over there, do we?”

I should also point out that despite your feeble attempt here, profanity screamed by a squeaky 12 year old whose parents were clearly related is in no way intimidating. It’s actually kind of funny. Like being yelled at by one of Donald Duck’s nephews. And I’m sure amusing me wasn’t your objective here. Though, honestly, I’m not sure what your objective here is-


SC: “...uh.....uhhh......You wanna suck ma little d**k!?”

-unless it is to inform me about the inadequate size of your masculinity? I wouldn’t think that’d be something you’d just want to throw out there at random like that. But very well. While I did not exactly want to be introduced into this particular club. I guess that makes two of us now that are aware you couldn't please a Fruit Loop.







annnnnd rest.

we get those kind of calls all the time at my pizza place. what I have learned is this the pranksters are either 8 or 10 years old or they are early 20's (with a good buzz on)

the 8 year old call like clock work on Monday holidays, Thanksgiving weekend, spring break and at the beginning of the summer

the 20 somethings are more variable in their time selection but most attempt the "deed" late on a Friday or Saturday after an evening of heavy drinking or smoking (non domestic substances)

a lot of calls go something like this

DAP - dumbass prankster wannabe
ME - yeah yeah HOW MANY times do you think I have heard that one before????

me - <standard greeting>
DAP - <in a really really bad fake Asian accent> I WAAANNNNNAAAA Chineese pizza dewevwery

me - <standard phone greeting>
DAP - <in a really really bad getto black type accent> I WAAANNAAAAA pizza devered <N-word>

and so on

my standard answer is this (esp after the 2d or 3d call in less than 2 minutes and yes I do say this) "Why don't you ask a 6 year old for better pranks" <click> as I hang up on them. that usually shuts them up and gives them pause.

some (though not all) of them are even smart enough to block their phone numbers so we can not do a *69 (code to find out the last incoming phone number) to find out the calling number. My manager got some 10 year old to cry after doing a *69 and getting a valid phone number, calling it back and threatening to call the cops aqnd tell his parents.

[wordboy]

Oh. My. God. I…just. You know what? No. There’s no jokes or funny little quips I can make that will make this better. You are a fucking idiot. You were born a fucking idiot. Raised by fucking idiots. Surrounded by fucking idiots. Likely live in a town comprised almost entirely of fucking idiots and you will die a fucking idiot. Probably with your head stuck in a fence. The mere fact you live and have managed to reach this age is both a miracle and a tragedy of Biblical proportions. Your mere existence should embarrass all of us as a species. There should be a dedicated team of scientists somewhere with international funding whose only purpose is to find a way to ensure that no one like yourself ever walks this earth ever again if only to maintain the dignity of the human race. You and you alone are the reason why aliens have not yet contacted us.

Don't hold it in...how do you really feel?

Man, I would love to scream this at most of my customers.

[Gravekeeper]

I simply forgot the sad face icon. There is no deeper meaning to its absence beyond I am an idiot. <cough>

The people I want to stop breeding are not those inclined to appropriate the surgery in question. As their breeding tends to be largely accidental or fueled by a number of substances. >.>

Out of curiosity, why does it matter to you if someone is using a name other than their own for an order? Just wondering.

We've had a lot of problems with idiots ordering tons of crap and not paying for it ( Surprise, surprise ). So they get blacklisted and start trying to place orders in their grandmother's name or something. Thus we cannot allow them to place orders under someone else's name without speaking to that person to verify it. It'd be different if they were paying for it on their credit card. But all these orders are COD, remember.

That's true too, we did have one guy in particular that was blacklisted so he started trying to place orders in his grandmother's name. Enough operator's gave him the benefit of the doubt that maybe the Mrs just had a husky voice that he managed to get a couple more orders in and promptly failed to pay for those too. Then his uncle called us to warn us what the guy was up too.

So now we verify if there is even a shred of doubt. Since its a net loss for the client if they sent something via COD and it gets sent back.

Also, masochist? I guess I need to brush up on my sexual fetishes. -.-

[ZedOmega]

I simply forgot the sad face icon. There is no deeper meaning to its absence beyond I am an idiot. <cough>

No, no. It's only idiocy if a customer forgets something. With one of this site's members, it's more a combination of mental exhaustion, frustration and the physical strain of keeping the 'THAT'S IT, EVERYBODY DIES!!!' solution from surfacing.

[Amethyst Hunter]

Oh. My. God. Why...how are people so fscking stupid? <sob>

Ah, the eternal question of life.

This evening I was intercepted by large, waddling raccoons in the exact same area where I met a more fearsome beast a scant couple weeks ago.

Dude, at the rate you're going, next week it'll be a pack of weasels. ON FIRE. Start taking walks with Smith & Wesson. They don't say very much, but what comes out of their mouths is a total blast and it's guaranteed to repel even the most rabid of rovers.

SC: “Like could you tell me where to go to get a vasectomy?”

…….no, no I could not.

But I could.

In fact out of all of the knowledge currently possessed by the human race, “Where can I find someone to cut me in the groin” is the absolute lowest on my list of information I wish to possess. I could do quite well and live a rather happy life never, ever knowing that one little tidbit.

Until the day that 867 joins forces with Hot Tips and the Pants Guy/s to inform you of each of the colorful species' names for the as-yet-unidentifiable-from-Earth flora and fauna they have discovered growing in best-unspoken-of bodily orifices.

And to order pants, of course. Pink camo, naturally. Because the fungi might freeze their little psychedelic-fluorescent toadstool tops when Pants Guy/s goes outside to nom his long-dried and shriveled black stump of a salt lick.

...what? What?

SC: “I found a couple of listening devices in my house. I’m not sure who they belong too.”

All right, CSers, 'fess up. Whodunit? I know we all like effing with the heads of fools, but surely this reeks of the desperation borne of boredom...?

Do you really, honestly think your house is bugged? I mean, really? You really think that anyone has any sort of interest in anything you say or do? Because honestly, think about this for a second. I’m not a federal agent this or any other country or agency. I’m just the guy that stays awake in to take messages for them. I’m little more than a glorified secretary. And even I’m not interested in anything you say or do.

But you work for...THEM! And we all know THEY want to get our poor little SC and will use any means necessary. Including you, dear hapless GK.

But hey...at least you're indirectly helping to cleanse humanity? Go you!

Always on hand to help out and bail us, the hero, out of a tight predicament often enough to prevent us from taking you for granted. While letting you bask in our glory and play with all of our toys.

I'm not letting him play with MY toys. He'll get suckgerms all over them!

But the reality is you’re an annoying, persistent tag along that makes me groan with every appearance and does little but boast about his own supposed achievements or offer what you think is important and relevant assistance. So basically, you’re Snarf.

Fixed that there for ya.

look, Vick. Don’t take this the wrong way but my God you need to go out and make some friends.

Preferably of the non-rubber variety.

Besides, if we really did bug your house it’s not like you actually have to call and tell us any of this. We already know.

And WE are sending the black helicopters to your house even as you speak. Have a nice day!

Hot Tips: A Challenger Appears

The two of you shall duel to the death for this board's amusement! Remember, there can be only one who shall win the disfavor of the cold and ruthless GK! So get ready to RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBLLLLLLL LLLLLEEEEE!!!!!

SC: “I realize that’s your primary objective.”

Ooh, big words. Yes, you are correct. That is my primary objective. My secondary objective is to make fun of people such as yourself that do not comprehend my primary objective.

Which is the Super Special Secret Primary Objective, unbeknownst to all but the patrons of this board. And that true primary objective, as we CSers all know, is really to serve Her Unholiness The Cat. Remember, thou must placate thy feline god first and foremost, forsaking all other false gods for Kitty and Kitty alone, or it shall not go well with you and thou wilt be cast into the pit of brimstone and cat vomit for all eternity.

After, of course, you have fulfilled the prophecies of utilizing the great and savaging gifts of your secondary objective to entertain us.

SC: “But I want to get a message through somehow to someone that would be able to ascertain the status and situation regarding miss Tokyo Rose who is maybe still alive and living in California.”

She’s dead and was living in Illinois.

Look, just because we accidentally loosed Rod Blagojevich on national television, do you have to take it out on my home state by pointing the SCs in that direction? We'll make it up to you - Rahm Emanuel is gonna run for Chicago mayor, and unlike Blago, *he* knows a thing or two about creatively stringing together F-bombs!

SC: “This would require a little bit of investigation and may be very worthwhile.”

If he is referring to "101 Uses For SC's" then he is correct, it would be VERY worthwhile indeed.

you just asked a complete stranger to find and connect you to that number. Instead of doing the proper thing. Which is apologizing, hanging up, and fucking yourself.

With a rusty chainsaw. That part's important. *nod*

SC: “Yeah I wanna know about your training classes”
Me: “I’m afraid you have the wrong number.”
SC: “Oh….is there any way you have the right number?”

Yes, but because GK's so awesome, YOU CAN'T HAVE IT NEENER NEENER NEENER!

<snip pottymouth mini-SC-wannabe-reject's abysmal failure of a prankcall >

While I did not exactly want to be introduced into this particular club. I guess that makes two of us now that are aware you couldn't please a Fruit Loop.

Nah, the boy's got Cheerios issues. They're smaller than Fruit Loops.

[CatsLairArchives]

Oh. My. God. Why...how are people so fscking stupid? <sob>




Dear God

Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “HERYAXGRUBLOOOK!!!!!!!!!!"

JESUS CHRIST?! What the fuck!? My god, what was that? What just happened? Everything was going fine. Everything was normal. Then I asked you another question and suddenly, EWOKS.

OH NO! Not EWOKS! ANYTHING but THAT!!!!

Starcruiser - crash, crash

[Eisa]

"Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding, the cretins cloning and feeding, and i don't even own a tv..."

Put me in the hospital for nerves and then they had to commit me. You told them all I was crazy. They cut off my legs, now I'm an amputee...goddamn you.

I'm sorry, I love that song.

[JarethsPet]

Then I asked you another question and suddenly, EWOKS.

This, and just this alone had me laughing so hard I couldn't finish reading the rest until at least 5 to 10 mins later. I'm not even remotely sure how long it took me to stop laughing because I wasn't measuring time accurately until the tears finished dripping off my face.

You are beyond epic.

[CatsLairArchives]

This, and just this alone had me laughing so hard I couldn't finish reading the rest until at least 5 to 10 mins later. I'm not even remotely sure how long it took me to stop laughing because I wasn't measuring time accurately until the tears finished dripping off my face.

You are beyond epic.

I wonder if Ewoks are the hobbit version of Wookies?