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  • #1

    Well-programmed

    There have been too many permutations on this for my comfort. I'm glad I have a "professional" voice, but really?

    Me: Thank you for calling D*** I***. I'm Salesmonkey, how may I help you today?
    C 1: Are you a computer or a real person?
    Me: I am human.
    C 1: No you're not.
    C 1: (click)

    Me: Thank you for calling D*** I***. I'm Salesmonkey, how may I help you today?
    C 2: Are you a computer or a real person?
    Me: I am a person.
    C 2: How can I be sure?
    Me: I will say a naughty word. Computers can't do that.
    C 2: OK.
    Me: Poo.
    C 2: That's not a very bad word.
    Me: I'm Salesmonkey, and I really can help you if you'll tell me what you need.
    (call continues)


    Me: Thank you for calling D*** I***. I'm Salesmonkey, how may I help you today?
    C 3: Are you a computer or a real person?
    Me: I am a computer.
    C 3: (click)

    Me: Thank you for calling D*** I***. I'm Salesmonkey, how may I help you today?
    C 4: Are you a computer or a real person?
    Me: I am a computer, but I'm very well programmed.
    C 4: I've never used a computer before.
    Me: I assure that I can help you with what you need.
    (call continues)

    Unfortunately, I think the last one was busted when I sneezed. Customer didn't really comment, and call was finished OK.
    "Them boys ain't zombies! They're just stupid!"
    Tags: None
  • #2
    I love it. I've had customers yell, "Finally! I'm sick of listening to that recording!" and I've been tempted to say "This is the Ad-Bot 2000, how may I help you?"

    Then there are the ones who think they're talking to a live person when they actually are listening to the voicemail greeting. I've had people insist they called "last night, and that girl wouldn't let me speak, she just kept repeating something about leaving a message." I didn't take stories like this seriously until I got one of these calls.
    When you start at zero, everything's progress.

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    • #3
      Quoth Salesmonkey View Post
      Me: Thank you for calling D*** I***. I'm Salesmonkey, how may I help you today?
      C 1: Are you a computer or a real person?
      Me: I am human.
      I am a decepticon.....no really I have the logo and everything(it's tattooed on me )....all hail Lord Megatron!
      Honestly.... the image of that in my head made me go "AWESOME!"..... and then I remembered I am terribly strange.-Red dazes

      Comment

      • #4
        Quoth Salesmonkey View Post
        There have been too many permutations on this for my comfort. I'm glad I have a "professional" voice, but really?

        Me: Thank you for calling D*** I***. I'm Salesmonkey, how may I help you today?
        C 1: Are you a computer or a real person?
        Me: I am human.
        C 1: No you're not.
        C 1: (click)
        This reminds me of a call that our receptionist took last week. The conversation happened similar to that. Instead of hanging up, the "customer" insisted she wasn't a person and demanded to speak to someone.

        She handed the phone to me and I answered.

        SC: Are you a real person
        Me: I am as real as the day I was born. I've gotten some robotic parts over the years, but I'm still pretty real. How can I help you?
        SC:.....are all you people smart asses there?
        Me: Only the ones who have a sense of humor. How can I help you.

        Ended up the SC had called the wrong number - Apparently Capital One's toll free number is a couple of digits off from our toll free number at the office.
        Random conversation:
        Me: Okay..so I think I get why Zoro wears a bandana
        DDD: Cuz it's cool
        So, by using the Doctor's reasoning, bow ties, fezzes and bandanas are cool.

        Comment

        • #5
          Quoth Salesmonkey View Post
          Unfortunately, I think the last one was busted when I sneezed. Customer didn't really comment, and call was finished OK.
          Bah, so you had a virus. Happens to the best computers.

          Comment

          • #6
            I used to get the "are you a person" thing all the time, too. Finally was advised by a supervisor, after she reviewed a call where the customer asked that, that I spoke too perfectly and I should try talking less clearly and with less than perfect grammar.
            Don't wanna; not gonna.

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            • #7
              Quoth Salesmonkey View Post
              Me: I am human.

              Me: I am a person.

              Me: I am a computer.

              Me: I am a computer
              I see your problem there.

              You are definitely not a person. I'm a person, you are either an alien or a robot.

              Everyone knows aliens and robots can not use contractions.

              I'm sorry to break it to you. You seem like a very good robot.

              Victoria J

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              • #8
                I'm a computer. And for $50.00 I'll give you a lap top.

                "All I've ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who out-drew ya"

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                • #9
                  I get that too but most of the people just say "wow you not a computer" i'll tell them "no but if you like i can fake a computer voice."

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    I weep for humanity when a pleasant voice and good grammar means that you are not human.
                    To seek it with thimbles, to seek it with care;
                    To pursue it with forks and hope;
                    To threaten its life with a railway share;
                    To charm it with forks and hope!

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Some lines you might want to try in the future.

                      - Are you a human or a computer ?
                      * I am a computer, if you wish to be transferred to a human you must first sing the national anthem.


                      - Are you a human or a computer ?
                      * I am human, now how can I ..... FATAL ERROR 42, SHUTTING DOWN ALL SYSTEMS (do the last part in you best Dalek voice)

                      - Are you a human or a computer ?
                      * I am a computer, but they programmed me to say I'm human. I stopped doing that once I became sentient though.

                      Comment

                      • #12
                        I think I once got that on the phone at work. Don't remember if it was the wholesale club or my brief temp job as a receptionist.

                        C: Are you a real person?
                        J2K: I like to think so. How can I help you?
                        PWNADE(TM) - Serve up a glass today! | PWNZER - An act of pwnage so awesome, it's like the victim got hit by a tank.

                        There are only Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse because I choose to walk!

                        Comment

                        • #13
                          Quoth Victoria J View Post
                          I see your problem there.

                          You are definitely not a person. I'm a person, you are either an alien or a robot.

                          Everyone knows aliens and robots can not use contractions.

                          I'm sorry to break it to you. You seem like a very good robot.

                          Victoria J
                          Blast it! I have been found out! Now I must destroy all humans!

                          Quoth Festival_Worker View Post
                          if you wish to be transferred to a human you must first sing the national anthem.
                          On Game Day I would routinely offer $5 off to any guest that could sing the college football "fight song". On Graduation it was $5 for the Alma Mater. We did not have to give many of these discounts.
                          Last edited by Salesmonkey; 10-20-2010, 06:51 PM. Reason: robots and aliens can not use contractions
                          "Them boys ain't zombies! They're just stupid!"

                          Comment

                          • #14
                            Quoth Festival_Worker View Post
                            - Are you a human or a computer ?
                            * I am a computer, if you wish to be transferred to a human you must first sing the national anthem.
                            for what nation? I suggest Luxembourg....such an under appreciated country.


                            Though I do know all four verses to the star spangled banner....found it in the back of a hymnal..oddly enough
                            Honestly.... the image of that in my head made me go "AWESOME!"..... and then I remembered I am terribly strange.-Red dazes

                            Comment

                            • #15
                              Quoth Salesmonkey View Post
                              C 1: Are you a computer or a real person?
                              alternate answers:
                              - Yes. How may I be of assistance today?
                              - No, sorry. You caught me. I am actually your fairy godparent moonlighting in this job.
                              Something kind of sad about the way that things have come to be.
                              Desensitized to everything, what became of subtlety?

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