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How'd that work?
I returned a call from our voicemail; the customer's phone rang for a while, but he did not answer and there was no voicemail. Later, he called me again.
SC: "I got a call from this number about an hour ago."
Me: "Oh, great! Is this Frank?"
SC: "...!? ...What?!"
Me: "I'm sorry, I was just wondering if your name was Frank. I was trying to return a call from Frank an hour ago."
SC: "Why...why, yes! How...how in the world did you know my name?"
Me: "I was returning a call you left on my voicemail."
SC: "Oh, I see."
[LONG pause; he doesn't see.]
SC: "How'd that work?"
Me: "Well, you called me earlier, you see."
SC: "But...but...I never spoke to you!"
Me: "I know. You left me a message to call you back. You said, 'This is Frank; please call back at (xxx) xxx-xxxx.'"
SC: "And I...I did!? ...how'd I...you...oh wow!"
Not even 10AM yet and I've already rocked a customer's world.
I'm good!
Names have been changed to protect the innocent, but not much.
SC: "I need to get tickets for Butch Robinson. They're 90% sold already."
Me: "I'm afraid I don't know who that is. I think you have the wrong number."
SC: "Are you sure?"
Me: (If I had tickets for sale for something with someone named Butch, I would SURELY remember that.) "Yes. Absolutely. I'm sorry."
SC: "Well, I really wanna get tickets. And they say they're 90% sold. I need to get tickets. Are you sure you can't gimmie some tickets?"
Me: "Very sure. Let me Google it real quick and see what I can come up with. What city is this show in?"
SC: "Chattanooga."
Me: "...Chattanooga, Tennessee?"
SC: "Yes."
Me: "Out of curiosity, how did you get a Vancouver, Canada number?"
SC: "From 411." Apparently noticing my stunned silence, and deciding to clarify, he proudly adds: "I punched it in!"
Note to self. Beat whoever at 411 is playing a practical joke.
Me: "Ok. I found their website. It's--"
SC: "I don't wanna website! I think my friend tried to do it on the website, and I think he got a thing, like a thing, you know? And I think he wasn't sure if it was, you know, right. I can't use the website. But I need to get tickets, 'cause they're 90% sold."
Me: "Well, I'm afraid I can't seem to find a phone number anywhere."
SC: "But I really wanna get tickets. They're 90% sold, you know. Can't you get me some tickets?"
Me: "No, I'm sorry."
SC: "..."
Me: "..."
SC: [click]
Young Feller
Customer: "Have a great day, young feller!"
I never really liked being called "young feller" when I was literally young. It always seemed to highlight my age, or lack thereof, of which I was all too aware.
But now that I'm older? It's actually pretty damn cool. I am honoured that you think of me as a "young feller".
Though, I probably shouldn't have reflexively said, "You too, old feller!"
It disturbs me that I wasn't as disgusted by this as I thought I would be.
SC: "I need to book my colonoscopy."
Me: "I'm sorry, I believe you have the wrong number. If you know your gastroenterologist's name I could look up the number for you."
SC: "I don't have the wrong number."
Me: "Actually, I don't have access to the doctors' appointment books, so I can't book any appointments for you. But if you tell me your doctor's name, or your name and the city you're calling from, I'll find out how you can contact their office."
SC: "Are you SURE you can't do a colonoscopy?"
Me: "Sir, I am one hundred per cent sure I am not qualified to do a colonoscopy for you." (Nor do I care to be.)
SC: "But, I got your number from 411!"
Twice in one day!? Look, I like your logic, because it sounds as if I should get paid more, but seriously: just because my company's name is in 411 doesn't mean I'm qualified to be a medical doctor in any way shape or form. All I'm pretty much good for is telling you the name of a doctor. A real doctor, one who, unlike me, has actually been through this phenomenon we call "medical school".
Also, I've never had to look up a gastroenterologist before. I don't even think we have any. What is 411 smoking?
I don't do any of that stuff!
Sometimes, customers are eligible to get a free book when they place an order. We have plenty of titles in all sorts of genres. There's typically something for everyone.
Me: "With your order, you get a free book. Do you know which one you'd like?"
SC: "Oh, no, I don't do any of that stuff."
That's fine. You don't have to take the free stuff I'm giving away. But I can't figure out why you sounded offended. It's not like we're giving away crack or something.
It's a book. Something for you to read. Do you do that?
To be fair, my memory is also crap, but this was ridiculous:
Me: "Good afternoon, Companyname, this is Mango."
SC: "Hi Mango. I, uh...what was your name again?"
Me: "...Mango."
SC: "Oh, great, Mango. I needed a-- ...what was your name again?
Me: "Mango."
[pause]
SC: "Mango?"
Me: "Yeah."
SC: "Mango. Mango. Ma.......ngo. Ok, I wrote it down."
Just in case you forget again, I am going to set our hold music to this.
Steve Deja Vu. Or, new job, old tricks.
This SC struts up to me, the only male on duty.
SC: "Is Roy here? I'm a old friend of Roy! Are you Roy?"
Me: "I work for ROY."
Co-workers: [fits of giggles]
SC: "That's great! You tell your boss that Janice was here and said hi! By the way, he mentioned I could get 25% off today?"
Me: "You're not really a friend of my boss, are you?"
SC: "..."
Me: "..."
SC: "How'd you know?"
Okay, one: First you say you're an old friend of Roy, but then you ask me if I'm Roy. Two: my boss never gives out discounts without telling me in advance.
And, three: ROY is not a person. ROY is the acronym of my company's name. Also, my boss is female.
So pardon me for being a LITTLE suspicious about your claim.
No Title
Me: "Good morning, Companyname, this is Mango!"
SC: "Mango. Hello. This is me."
Me: "..."
SC: "..."
Me: "..."
SC: "...McLeod?"
Me: "..."
SC: "...McLeod Cambridge?"
Me: "Ok...hi?"
SC: "I'm a new customer!"
Ok, look: seriously, I take pride in knowing my customers, and after five years, I know a good number of you. But I checked the call logs. You've never called before. Ever. You were calling me to sign up.
SO HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO RECOGNIZE YOUR VOICE THEN!
We've got Mensa material right here.
Me: "...E as in Echo, O as in Oscar."
SC: "Do you mean Oh as in Oscar or Zero as in Oscar?"
[whimper]
The Reciter
This is a story that someone reminded me of, from my first full-time job. This one wasn't sucky so much as really, really, odd.
Me: "Good m--"
Her: "Good morning! Oh! T-shirts, sweat pants, oh! Hats, jackets, gloves, socks!!! Oh, and skincare, oh! Creams, moisturizers, soaps, oh, brilliant! And furniture, oh! Armoires, tables, chairs, beds, oh, how positively wonderful! I'll be back! Oh! I'll be back!!" [RUNS out of the store.]
Me: "..."
I never saw her again.
Bonus sighting
I was waiting in a line to check out at a grocery store. I got to second place when an SC pushes past half the line, frantically waving some tortillas at the cashier.
SC: "Hello! Hello! HELLO!!"
Cashier: "Uh. Hi?"
SC: "Yes!" [rushes off in the other direction]
"Hello Tortillas". The successor to "Hello Kitty", coming soon. Collect them all.
.
I returned a call from our voicemail; the customer's phone rang for a while, but he did not answer and there was no voicemail. Later, he called me again.
SC: "I got a call from this number about an hour ago."
Me: "Oh, great! Is this Frank?"
SC: "...!? ...What?!"
Me: "I'm sorry, I was just wondering if your name was Frank. I was trying to return a call from Frank an hour ago."
SC: "Why...why, yes! How...how in the world did you know my name?"
Me: "I was returning a call you left on my voicemail."
SC: "Oh, I see."
[LONG pause; he doesn't see.]
SC: "How'd that work?"
Me: "Well, you called me earlier, you see."
SC: "But...but...I never spoke to you!"
Me: "I know. You left me a message to call you back. You said, 'This is Frank; please call back at (xxx) xxx-xxxx.'"
SC: "And I...I did!? ...how'd I...you...oh wow!"
Not even 10AM yet and I've already rocked a customer's world.
I'm good!
Names have been changed to protect the innocent, but not much.
SC: "I need to get tickets for Butch Robinson. They're 90% sold already."
Me: "I'm afraid I don't know who that is. I think you have the wrong number."
SC: "Are you sure?"
Me: (If I had tickets for sale for something with someone named Butch, I would SURELY remember that.) "Yes. Absolutely. I'm sorry."
SC: "Well, I really wanna get tickets. And they say they're 90% sold. I need to get tickets. Are you sure you can't gimmie some tickets?"
Me: "Very sure. Let me Google it real quick and see what I can come up with. What city is this show in?"
SC: "Chattanooga."
Me: "...Chattanooga, Tennessee?"
SC: "Yes."
Me: "Out of curiosity, how did you get a Vancouver, Canada number?"
SC: "From 411." Apparently noticing my stunned silence, and deciding to clarify, he proudly adds: "I punched it in!"
Note to self. Beat whoever at 411 is playing a practical joke.
Me: "Ok. I found their website. It's--"
SC: "I don't wanna website! I think my friend tried to do it on the website, and I think he got a thing, like a thing, you know? And I think he wasn't sure if it was, you know, right. I can't use the website. But I need to get tickets, 'cause they're 90% sold."
Me: "Well, I'm afraid I can't seem to find a phone number anywhere."
SC: "But I really wanna get tickets. They're 90% sold, you know. Can't you get me some tickets?"
Me: "No, I'm sorry."
SC: "..."
Me: "..."
SC: [click]
Young Feller
Customer: "Have a great day, young feller!"
I never really liked being called "young feller" when I was literally young. It always seemed to highlight my age, or lack thereof, of which I was all too aware.
But now that I'm older? It's actually pretty damn cool. I am honoured that you think of me as a "young feller".
Though, I probably shouldn't have reflexively said, "You too, old feller!"
It disturbs me that I wasn't as disgusted by this as I thought I would be.
SC: "I need to book my colonoscopy."
Me: "I'm sorry, I believe you have the wrong number. If you know your gastroenterologist's name I could look up the number for you."
SC: "I don't have the wrong number."
Me: "Actually, I don't have access to the doctors' appointment books, so I can't book any appointments for you. But if you tell me your doctor's name, or your name and the city you're calling from, I'll find out how you can contact their office."
SC: "Are you SURE you can't do a colonoscopy?"
Me: "Sir, I am one hundred per cent sure I am not qualified to do a colonoscopy for you." (Nor do I care to be.)
SC: "But, I got your number from 411!"
Twice in one day!? Look, I like your logic, because it sounds as if I should get paid more, but seriously: just because my company's name is in 411 doesn't mean I'm qualified to be a medical doctor in any way shape or form. All I'm pretty much good for is telling you the name of a doctor. A real doctor, one who, unlike me, has actually been through this phenomenon we call "medical school".
Also, I've never had to look up a gastroenterologist before. I don't even think we have any. What is 411 smoking?
I don't do any of that stuff!
Sometimes, customers are eligible to get a free book when they place an order. We have plenty of titles in all sorts of genres. There's typically something for everyone.
Me: "With your order, you get a free book. Do you know which one you'd like?"
SC: "Oh, no, I don't do any of that stuff."
That's fine. You don't have to take the free stuff I'm giving away. But I can't figure out why you sounded offended. It's not like we're giving away crack or something.
It's a book. Something for you to read. Do you do that?
To be fair, my memory is also crap, but this was ridiculous:
Me: "Good afternoon, Companyname, this is Mango."
SC: "Hi Mango. I, uh...what was your name again?"
Me: "...Mango."
SC: "Oh, great, Mango. I needed a-- ...what was your name again?
Me: "Mango."
[pause]
SC: "Mango?"
Me: "Yeah."
SC: "Mango. Mango. Ma.......ngo. Ok, I wrote it down."
Just in case you forget again, I am going to set our hold music to this.
Steve Deja Vu. Or, new job, old tricks.
This SC struts up to me, the only male on duty.
SC: "Is Roy here? I'm a old friend of Roy! Are you Roy?"
Me: "I work for ROY."
Co-workers: [fits of giggles]
SC: "That's great! You tell your boss that Janice was here and said hi! By the way, he mentioned I could get 25% off today?"
Me: "You're not really a friend of my boss, are you?"
SC: "..."
Me: "..."
SC: "How'd you know?"
Okay, one: First you say you're an old friend of Roy, but then you ask me if I'm Roy. Two: my boss never gives out discounts without telling me in advance.
And, three: ROY is not a person. ROY is the acronym of my company's name. Also, my boss is female.
So pardon me for being a LITTLE suspicious about your claim.
No Title
Me: "Good morning, Companyname, this is Mango!"
SC: "Mango. Hello. This is me."
Me: "..."
SC: "..."
Me: "..."
SC: "...McLeod?"
Me: "..."
SC: "...McLeod Cambridge?"
Me: "Ok...hi?"
SC: "I'm a new customer!"
Ok, look: seriously, I take pride in knowing my customers, and after five years, I know a good number of you. But I checked the call logs. You've never called before. Ever. You were calling me to sign up.
SO HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO RECOGNIZE YOUR VOICE THEN!
We've got Mensa material right here.
Me: "...E as in Echo, O as in Oscar."
SC: "Do you mean Oh as in Oscar or Zero as in Oscar?"
[whimper]
The Reciter
This is a story that someone reminded me of, from my first full-time job. This one wasn't sucky so much as really, really, odd.
Me: "Good m--"
Her: "Good morning! Oh! T-shirts, sweat pants, oh! Hats, jackets, gloves, socks!!! Oh, and skincare, oh! Creams, moisturizers, soaps, oh, brilliant! And furniture, oh! Armoires, tables, chairs, beds, oh, how positively wonderful! I'll be back! Oh! I'll be back!!" [RUNS out of the store.]
Me: "..."
I never saw her again.
Bonus sighting
I was waiting in a line to check out at a grocery store. I got to second place when an SC pushes past half the line, frantically waving some tortillas at the cashier.
SC: "Hello! Hello! HELLO!!"
Cashier: "Uh. Hi?"
SC: "Yes!" [rushes off in the other direction]
"Hello Tortillas". The successor to "Hello Kitty", coming soon. Collect them all.
.
Oh, man, your customers really need to lay off the THC that early in the morning!
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