The Masquerade

[ExRetailDrone]

Look at your CSR. Now back to me. Now back to your CSR. Now back to ME.

Sadly, he isn't me.

But, he could hate pink camo like me, if his call center switched to a line of business that sells things to people in the far frozen north.

Look down. Back up again. Where are you? You're on a Skytrain with the man your CSR could rage like.

What's that in your hand? Back to me. I have it. It's Uncle Vick with two sequentially numbered tickets to that lottery you'll never win. Now the tickets are a lawyer on retainer! Anything is possible when your CSR sells pink camo undergarments to arctic hippos instead of having hope! I'm on a bus.

Oh my dog, this is amazing!

I want this actually made into a commercial and posted on this site

[Gravekeeper]

The costume involving the man's penis playing music, could you expl

NO, don't explain. I'm sure this is one of the things I would rather not know about.

Admittedly, I found the guys dressed as monkeys with traffic cones on their crotches to be far more confusing and disturbing then the, er....ice cream truck, lets say.

HEY! You caught up to me! And you actually have a plan to meet more... curse you and your ambition...

Luckily for you, my ambition takes years to manifest. ;p

Hope I didn't creep you out. I truly swear I wasn't just...waiting for you...waiting for the moment that I could pounce...do I...frighten you?

After the things I've witnessed you've have to rooting through my garbage with a pair of my underwear on your head to register any sort of disturbance. Humming "All The Single Ladies.".

Wasn't me, was it? I had a busy week.

No, that'd have been a hell of a swim. >.>

I was looking forward all week to the costume roundup. Surprised there weren't any customes from the Slut Animal Kingdom this year.

Oh there were plenty of them. They're just so redundant every Halloween now its not even worth mentioning them. Really, the Slut Kingdom made up about 50% of what I saw. The trend towards Slut-O-Ween is getting worse every year here. >.>

What? No sexy nuns?

No, actually. Somewhat dissappointing.

Look at your CSR. Now back to me. Now back to your CSR. Now back to ME.

Sadly, he isn't me.

.......well, on one hand. I am painfully white. On the other hand, I could probably do a fair approximation of the voice at least. >.>

This makes me glad that I was horribly ill for Halloween. Chilling out on the couch watching Smallville and the Walking Dead seems far less scarring mentally.

I would have done similar but work beckoned. I did hide inside all day Sunday though <shiver>. Consider your evasion most fortunate.

Hope you feel better. Food poisoning is so not fun.

I didn't even get the good Samonella kind where you're horribly ill for 24-48 hours then fine. I recieved the wonderous Campylobactor. Which takes days to set in, then like a week to go away. ><

The horrible nausea eased after 24 hours, but the raging fever just stuck with me for days on end.

[Skeksin]

....What?

SC: "What company is this?"
Me: "This is <company>"
SC: "Oh.....uh...."
Me: "....?"
SC: “Are you a spellcaster?”

It's clear what is happening here. Your caller has decided to play the game Freebase brought to you by the creators of HōL.

[Jester]

GK, considering your panning of the costume roundup, I am wondering if you would have liked my Beer Pimp costume. It was a bigger hit than I had expected, and not just from the people who I had drinking out of the beer bong/beer funnel. (Second time in my life I've used a beer bong as part of my costume, and the second time in my life that I have no clear memory or idea of what the hell happened to that prop at the end of the night, other than the fact that it did not make it home with the rest of my costume.)

Please try not to die before me.

Considering my chosen lifestyle, and especially considering this past week, I don't think I can promise that.

Then again, Keith Richards' continued existence might be proof that I am wrong and will actually live to 100.

You just woke up in jail with no knowledge of how you got there?

Sadly, this has actually happened to me.

So you’ve either reached the end result of a fantastical bender...

And that's pretty much how it happened. Let's just say that a 21-year-old Jester being given free tequila in Tijuana is not a good idea. The only good that came out of that whole mess that I ended up in a jail on THIS side of the border.

SC: “Hi, can I get a cab?”
Me: “You have the wrong number.”
SC: “Oh, ok. Can I get a cab though?”

"Yes. But not from me." *click*

They also do not know how magnets work. ( Fucking magnets! )

This statement is begging for elaboration. Simply begging. It even has a sign and a tip cup.

Finally……ok seriously, stop it. If your costume involves your dick in any way, don’t. I don’t care if it plays music. Stop it.

I actually have to give props to not one, but TWO dick-related costumes I saw this Fantasy Fest. (Fantasy Fest, for those unfamiliar with my tales of it, is our week-plus-long Mardi Gras-type celebration at the end of Halloween that involves much drinking, costumes, body paint, drinking, beads, flashing, drinking, and various parties that are excuses for drinking and flashing.)

Lots of guys during Fantasy Fest walk around with various dildoesque implements protruding from their pants, ranging from actual dildoes (tasteless) to large stuffed pillow-penises (silly). On "Plaid Night," many guys went with plaid penises (silly and a fashion faux pas). My friend Photo Dude gets props for rigging his plaid penis with an internal coat hanger to make it permanent erect, AND a squirt bulb so he could squirt random people (with water). (He also gets props for later in the week dressing up as an Unemployed Tooth Fairy, but that's another story.)

The other dick costume I have to give props to goes to a couple I saw at Duval and Green. He was dressed as a GIANT Black Dick, and she was dressed as Giant Vagina. Apparently she made BOTH costumes. And while it sounds really tasteless--okay, while it IS really tasteless, much of Fantasy Fest is tasteless adult fun, and to give these two credit, these were very well done Giant Genitalia costumes. (I'll upload a picture one of these days, when I finally develop that instant camera.)

Thanks to you, I have come to the conclusion that body paint has committed more crimes against humanity than anyone or thing in history.

You've clearly never seen scores of grown men walking around with giant stuffed plaid penises hanging from their flies.

If your costume involves flannel you have already failed at Halloween and should probably just turn around and go home.

I will agree with one notable exception: someone dressing as Kurt Cobain. And I when I say this, I don't mean dressing in a flannel shirt and ratty jeans and walking around with a guitar, real or prop. I mean dressing in a flannel shirt and ratty jeans, walking around with a guitar, real or prop, AND having a prop shotgun and a shotgun wound blown out of the back of your head. THAT would be a winning costume.

Hmmmm....may have to try that myself one year. It might almost get up there with my Osame-bin-Laden-with-a-giant-U.S.-cruise-missile-through-the-chest-costume I did in 2001.

Almost.

The “Scream” Mask

The only thing lower on the Halloween Dignity Scale than flannel and spandex.

Have I mentioned the guys with actual dildoes sticking out of their flies?

Good: A picture perfect Michael Jackson costume from the Thriller era complete with the red jacket, pants and glove. Bad: Dressing your short male friend up as a little boy so you may drag him around Granville and grope him. Worse: Asking the guy dressed as a doctor at the corner if he can write you a prescription.

Personally, I think that is brilliant, but I am known for my occasionally tasteless costumes. When my bar had a Michael Jackson party after his death (not my idea), I dressed up as MJ with a partial skull mask....to look like MJ without the makeup. I also walked around with a teddy bear and a bag of candy to give to all the boys and girls.

We won't even mention the Giant Turd costume from my college days.

My 10 year old daughter won a costume contest last night.
She was the ghost of Amelia Earhart.
I love that very strange child.

For the win! (We want pictures! Or at least a good description.)

Related to this, one year I dressed up as a Blues Brother for Halloween. Whenever anyone would ask which one I was, in my best Dan Ackyroyd voice I would deadpan, "Elwood. Jake's dead, ma'am."

I love the idea that Gravekeeper is the Old Spice Guy of the forums, most of the ladies fancy him, and most of the guys want to be as witty as him.

Some of us occasionally are.

[Darkforge]

This statement is begging for elaboration. Simply begging. It even has a sign and a tip cup.

He's referring to this part of the lyrics to the Insane Clown Posse song, "miracles" which is ignorant beyond words

see miracles all around me
Stop and look around, it's all astounding
Water, fire, air and dirt
Fucking magnets, how do they work?
And I don't wanna talk to a scientist
Y'all motherf*ckers lying, and getting me p*ssed

take a look at the full lyrics or watch the vid on youtube for the full effect, then for lols try and find Loading Ready Run's parody of the video (i'd post the links but i can't access video sites from work)

[Gravekeeper]

He's referring to this part of the lyrics to the Insane Clown Posse song, "miracles" which is ignorant beyond words

^ This.

Fucking magnets. >.>

Did you take pictures of this Beer Pimp? And no, I don't think anything I saw has less dignity than.....plaid penii.

[zombiequeen]

Is that the real plural? Penii? It sounds like you could just keep adding I's forever. Peniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...
Ok, for the clever costume, my brother was a Hunter from L4D with duct tape gore...his girlfriend was a hippie Pastamancer, and my friend was the Wicked Witch of the East before the house fell on her. I really wish I could have made her a house-hat to wear.

[Jester]

Did you take pictures of this Beer Pimp? And no, I don't think anything I saw has less dignity than.....plaid penii.

Did I take pictures of this Beer Pimp? A new creative costume that I put together and was very proud of? Damn tootin' I took pictures! And at some point, I'll even post them.

As for your other comment, during Fantasy Fest I doubt that plaid penises were even in the Top 10 (Bottom 10?) for least dignity of costumes or costume props that I saw. It is, after all, a very silly, very adult, and very Bacchanalian event.

[Null Requiem]

Sorry I got to this late, but I think one of the horrifying costumes I saw this year needs to be shared...

... because the pain is too much for me alone.


Imagine, if you will, a very tiny dress, fully two sizes too small for the individual wearing it, with a matching thong, which peeked out while the person was walking.

Have that image in your head?? Now colour it all in pink camo.

Still with me?? Hope so. One last thing, folks, the person in question, wearing this horrible monstrosity was a guy.

... yeah, someone pass the brain bleach...