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Do not prevent ANY potatoes. (With a recording!)
True Medicine from Surrey
The SC from 16:26 and New Job, Old Tricks has discovered my e-mail address.
SC: "As I told you, I would be in touch regarding my TRUE MEDICINE... NO HARM REDUCTION PROGRAMS, NO MARIJUANA/HASHISH MEDICINE, NO POTATOES, AS YOU CAN 'IMAGINE'...PREVENTION IS OUR MOTTO!"
This e-mail that she wrote to me was thoughtfully CC'd to The Canadian Red Cross. She instructed them to forward it to all of their contacts.
And, let me get this straight: she is preventing...potatoes?
But, I like potatoes!
411
SC: "Are you...an intuitive?"
Me: "Well, you know, I really don't think so."
SC: "Oh. Okay. I got your number and I thought you might be an intuitive."
Me: "I'm afraid I'm not. Perhaps you dialed the wrong number? Who were you trying to reach?"
SC: "Oh, I don't know. I just got your number from 411. So you're sure you don't do any metaphysical-type work?" (Note: I make software.)
Me: "Very sure. I am sorry."
When I saw the Caller ID that said "Unknown Name - Unknown Number", I figured that this was going to be a strange call. I was right, so maybe I am rather intuitive after all?
Surrey
SC: "I'm calling to correct my address."
Me: "Okay, what is your new address please?"
SC: "It's not a new address. It's a misprint. It says I live in Surrey, and I live in South Surrey."
Me: [Oh, crap.] "Unfortunately, I have to print Surrey on your mailing labels because that's the name of the municipality, even though I realize the community you live in is South Surrey."
SC: "But, I get mail addressed to me in South Surrey all the time."
Me: "I understand that, but since we send such a large volume of mail, Canada Post requires that our mail be machineable. Basically we have to address it exactly according to Canada Post's specifications, and if we don't, we get fined." [I realize this is a simplified explanation, but it served the purpose.]
SC: "Okay...but...but...but...don't tell anyone!!"
HEY EVERYONE! GUESS WHERE ETHEL T. WOODCHUCK LIVES!
I made up a fake name for this SC, and then checked the customer list to discover...my colleague actually HAS a customer with the goofy name that I made up. So, I made up one that was even goofier. None of us have an Ethel T. Woodchuck, so Ethel T. Woodchuck she shall be.
You do not intend to prevent any potatoes, do you Ethel?
Message Fail
I haven't worked at this job in long enough that I figure there's nothing my old boss can do if he stumbles across this: http://www.toao.net/pub/MessageFail.mp3
Transcript: "[pause] Oh, hi! Um... [pause] hmm... [pause] I forgot who I'm calling...."
Have some Doctor
SC: "Have some doctor."
Me: "Pardon me?"
SC: "Have like some doctor. Doctor?"
Me: "I'm sorry, I don't quite understand. Are you looking for a doctor?"
SC: "Yes. Dr. [name that sounds NOTHING like any of our doctors.]"
Me: "Could you please spell that for me?"
SC: "[mumble] website doctor or doctor?"
Me: "Sure, you could see if he or she has a website. You could try looking it up with Google."
SC: "Have like some doctor. Doctor?"
Me:
SC: "I think [something about glaucoma] doctor some?"
Me: [flash of insight] "OH! Do you mean Dr. Hansen? She can treat glaucoma!"
SC: "Yes! I and my friend who [something about glaucoma]. You and he." [passes phone]
SC2: "Good afternoon, if you could give me Dr. Hansen's office phone number, I'd appreciate it."
Okay, let me get this straight. There's two of you. One speaks English and one doesn't. You both decide to call an English-speaking office. And you get together in your little brain trust and come up with the astonishing conclusion that the one who doesn't speak English should make the call.
While I am sorry that I don't know whatever language you do speak, I have to tell you something: an ophthalmologist is probably not going to solve what your problem really is.
MLM
Lately we've noticed an influx of people who call pretending to be prospective customers, but who really only want to cajole our staff into signing up as an independent associate in the multi-level marketing scheme of the day. This is particularly annoying because they often take a great deal of our time before we figure out that they're actually not at all interested in being a customer of ours. This one wasn't even a customer; it was an employee from the new company that just took over the suite next door to ours. Since we're neighbours, I felt obligated to be politeish. To add insult to injury, it was a Sunday and we were closed. I had just briefly shown up at the office to reboot a server.
AN: "Hello! My name is Annoying Neighbour! It's a pleasure to meet you! Why don't you and your wife come over to my house?"
Because we...don't randomly go to strangers' houses? Or was that not meant to be taken literally?
AN: "You both could come over for a lovely romantic evening. I'll make the two of you dinner. No obligation!"
You don't even know our names, you want to make us dinner, and you tell me there's no obligation? I smell MLM.
AN: "By the way, have you ever heard of Saladmaster?"
Me: "Yes, I have. However, I don't like multi-level marketing, so I use a different brand of cookware that uses a steel similar to their 316Ti."
AN: "Why?"
Let's recap. I flat out told you I don't like MLM, I already own what you're trying to sell, and I bought from a competitor purely out of spite. Yet, you didn't take the hint and still tried to sell me a "great business opportunity" for an astonishing 10 minutes, and when I walked away in frustration you followed me down the hall because you weren't done with your pitch. YOU are why.
Wait. If we DID come for dinner, would there be potatoes?
I like potatoes!
.
The SC from 16:26 and New Job, Old Tricks has discovered my e-mail address.
SC: "As I told you, I would be in touch regarding my TRUE MEDICINE... NO HARM REDUCTION PROGRAMS, NO MARIJUANA/HASHISH MEDICINE, NO POTATOES, AS YOU CAN 'IMAGINE'...PREVENTION IS OUR MOTTO!"
This e-mail that she wrote to me was thoughtfully CC'd to The Canadian Red Cross. She instructed them to forward it to all of their contacts.
And, let me get this straight: she is preventing...potatoes?
But, I like potatoes!
411
SC: "Are you...an intuitive?"
Me: "Well, you know, I really don't think so."
SC: "Oh. Okay. I got your number and I thought you might be an intuitive."
Me: "I'm afraid I'm not. Perhaps you dialed the wrong number? Who were you trying to reach?"
SC: "Oh, I don't know. I just got your number from 411. So you're sure you don't do any metaphysical-type work?" (Note: I make software.)
Me: "Very sure. I am sorry."
When I saw the Caller ID that said "Unknown Name - Unknown Number", I figured that this was going to be a strange call. I was right, so maybe I am rather intuitive after all?
Surrey
SC: "I'm calling to correct my address."
Me: "Okay, what is your new address please?"
SC: "It's not a new address. It's a misprint. It says I live in Surrey, and I live in South Surrey."
Me: [Oh, crap.] "Unfortunately, I have to print Surrey on your mailing labels because that's the name of the municipality, even though I realize the community you live in is South Surrey."
SC: "But, I get mail addressed to me in South Surrey all the time."
Me: "I understand that, but since we send such a large volume of mail, Canada Post requires that our mail be machineable. Basically we have to address it exactly according to Canada Post's specifications, and if we don't, we get fined." [I realize this is a simplified explanation, but it served the purpose.]
SC: "Okay...but...but...but...don't tell anyone!!"
HEY EVERYONE! GUESS WHERE ETHEL T. WOODCHUCK LIVES!
I made up a fake name for this SC, and then checked the customer list to discover...my colleague actually HAS a customer with the goofy name that I made up. So, I made up one that was even goofier. None of us have an Ethel T. Woodchuck, so Ethel T. Woodchuck she shall be.
You do not intend to prevent any potatoes, do you Ethel?
Message Fail
I haven't worked at this job in long enough that I figure there's nothing my old boss can do if he stumbles across this: http://www.toao.net/pub/MessageFail.mp3
Transcript: "[pause] Oh, hi! Um... [pause] hmm... [pause] I forgot who I'm calling...."
Have some Doctor
SC: "Have some doctor."
Me: "Pardon me?"
SC: "Have like some doctor. Doctor?"
Me: "I'm sorry, I don't quite understand. Are you looking for a doctor?"
SC: "Yes. Dr. [name that sounds NOTHING like any of our doctors.]"
Me: "Could you please spell that for me?"
SC: "[mumble] website doctor or doctor?"
Me: "Sure, you could see if he or she has a website. You could try looking it up with Google."
SC: "Have like some doctor. Doctor?"
Me:
SC: "I think [something about glaucoma] doctor some?"
Me: [flash of insight] "OH! Do you mean Dr. Hansen? She can treat glaucoma!"
SC: "Yes! I and my friend who [something about glaucoma]. You and he." [passes phone]
SC2: "Good afternoon, if you could give me Dr. Hansen's office phone number, I'd appreciate it."
Okay, let me get this straight. There's two of you. One speaks English and one doesn't. You both decide to call an English-speaking office. And you get together in your little brain trust and come up with the astonishing conclusion that the one who doesn't speak English should make the call.
While I am sorry that I don't know whatever language you do speak, I have to tell you something: an ophthalmologist is probably not going to solve what your problem really is.
MLM
Lately we've noticed an influx of people who call pretending to be prospective customers, but who really only want to cajole our staff into signing up as an independent associate in the multi-level marketing scheme of the day. This is particularly annoying because they often take a great deal of our time before we figure out that they're actually not at all interested in being a customer of ours. This one wasn't even a customer; it was an employee from the new company that just took over the suite next door to ours. Since we're neighbours, I felt obligated to be politeish. To add insult to injury, it was a Sunday and we were closed. I had just briefly shown up at the office to reboot a server.
AN: "Hello! My name is Annoying Neighbour! It's a pleasure to meet you! Why don't you and your wife come over to my house?"
Because we...don't randomly go to strangers' houses? Or was that not meant to be taken literally?
AN: "You both could come over for a lovely romantic evening. I'll make the two of you dinner. No obligation!"
You don't even know our names, you want to make us dinner, and you tell me there's no obligation? I smell MLM.
AN: "By the way, have you ever heard of Saladmaster?"
Me: "Yes, I have. However, I don't like multi-level marketing, so I use a different brand of cookware that uses a steel similar to their 316Ti."
AN: "Why?"
Let's recap. I flat out told you I don't like MLM, I already own what you're trying to sell, and I bought from a competitor purely out of spite. Yet, you didn't take the hint and still tried to sell me a "great business opportunity" for an astonishing 10 minutes, and when I walked away in frustration you followed me down the hall because you weren't done with your pitch. YOU are why.
Wait. If we DID come for dinner, would there be potatoes?
I like potatoes!
.
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