Also possibly two ruined marriages.
The Jig Is Up
Working on the salesfloor today; not necessarily carryouts. Service desk calls me and asks where some Discovery Kids laptop computer toy is since somebody seems to be having trouble finding it. I tell them it's near the grocery section (these toys are in a special "gift" aisle by grocery instead of in toys, where they belong, judging by all the people who can't find them).
Customer turns out to be a shriveled up bag who may have been something before electricity, and it also turns out we have no more of these laptops in stock.
It also turns out we employees have been squirreling these laptops away to buy for ourselves. I know this because this is what the customer told me, and she used to work in a department store so she knows how this works. She also knows I'm lying when I tell her this toy has been on sale constantly for at least a month and corporate may have underestimated its popularity. I bet you didn't know any of this before, did you?
Well, this is her story and she's sticking to it. She's also going to tell the local radio stations and newspapers about our nefarious plot to deprive youngsters of their precious discovery kids toys OH NOEZ! I need someplace to hide until this all blows over
And as a parting shot: "How can I enjoy Christmas having to look at my grandchildren's sad faces when they can't get what they really wanted? YOU RUINED CHRISTMAS!"

Some time later I see her speaking with my manager (O NOES she's going to tell her I was rude too!
). Then no fewer than two additional calls to inquire about the whereabouts of these stupid toys. If I was feeling generous I might have told this crotchety old skinbag about the truck coming in tonight, but fuck her. Fuck her with a frozen shaft of urine from a jetliner toilet.
I suppose in hindsight I could've edjimicated this fruitcake with extra nuts on the finer points of supply chain management, and supply and demand. But since she worked at a department store she should already know these things. Plus usually the simplest explanation is the best, and in this case that simplest explanation is: she's crazy. In the baby food and rubber room way.
Possible Marital Tumult
Get called to deliver a wooden jewelry armoire to a customer (and if you need one of these things to store all your jewelry, someday the mighty cluebird will take a dump right on your head and it'll dawn on you that you have too much jewelry). I get it right into the trunk of their Buick Park Avenue Old Person Car For Old People (curb feelers standard; permanently-flashing left-turn signal optional)
Then I ask the husband for the receipt and...a clusterfuck ensues. There is much rummaging in pockets, probing in wifey's pocketbook, digging in the glove compartment, and shuffling of garbage. Also many a cross word is exchanged.
"Leroy, you paid for the damn thing; where is the receipt?"
"I don't know Ethel; I thought I gave it to you!"
"I don't believe this. Leroy, where is that damn receipt? Get out of the car and check your coat pockets!"
"I already did Ethel, dammit! One Hundred Twenty-Four something dollars it was!"
"Now I'm all nervous! This is just great!"
Finally I decide to go inside and have the service desk person dig out the duplicate receipt I had checked off before I delivered the jewelry armoire. But when I get inside the service desk person is busy with another customer and I end up waiting a while. So I do something I really shouldn't do and venture behind the service desk to get the receipt myself. I head out the doors with it and OH NO THEY'RE DRIVING AWAY! SOMEBODY STOP THEM YOU FOOLS!"
Meh. I did my part.
Possible Marital Tumult: Part Deux
Later I get called to help out in seasonal, where some other old bag and her husband are examining artificial Christmas trees. They seemingly found one they liked, but the branches on one tree were slightly different than those on another. Or something. Anyhow they (actually, the wife) had a specific combination of branches and lights in mind, and I thought she was going to make me open up boxes so she could examine branches. Or something.
Finally I convince her what she sees out on the tree table is what she will get in the box, so it's now time to make a decision. And as in so many couples, neither half really wants to be the one to decide.
"Which one do you want already!" The one with the white lights or the one with the blue and green lights?"
"I dunno. It's your tree. Whatever will look good with your pink ornaments I guess."
"Well...why the hell did I even bring you here? Now here's one tree, and here's another tree. Which one do you want?"
"I don't know. Which one do you want?"
"Dammit; this guy has stuff to do! He can't stand here while we waste time!" (Lie: he can waste as much time as he wants, as long as he's "with a customer."
)
"I don't think I like the white lights...."
"Okay, here's the one with the blue and the green lights. We don't have to use it with the lights on."
"Okay."
So I take a box with a tree bearing blue and green lights and drop it in their cart, and they go merrily on their way. Assuming "merrily" means "continuing to bicker."
Wherein Irv almost cries
Seriously, I do have a heart folks. It's in me somewhere, possibly behind the big wad of cheez doodles.
One of the apparel ladies is running a register because it's so busy. She's checking out a guy I assume she knows from their conversation, so nothing she says is said with any malice, just in case that thought pops up for somebody.
"...Christmas isn't going to be the same without her. "(I assume the guy is referring to his wife, who has apparently passed on.)
"Well, you seem to be doing well by yourself."
(in about the saddest sigh manageable by humans)" Ohhhhhhhhhhh..."
That choked me up. Christmas without a loved one is always sad. I know this time of year is when I miss my grandma the most.
One more day before a a weekend off. Yaay. But I have to be in at 4 am tomorrow. Booo.
The Jig Is Up
Working on the salesfloor today; not necessarily carryouts. Service desk calls me and asks where some Discovery Kids laptop computer toy is since somebody seems to be having trouble finding it. I tell them it's near the grocery section (these toys are in a special "gift" aisle by grocery instead of in toys, where they belong, judging by all the people who can't find them).
Customer turns out to be a shriveled up bag who may have been something before electricity, and it also turns out we have no more of these laptops in stock.
It also turns out we employees have been squirreling these laptops away to buy for ourselves. I know this because this is what the customer told me, and she used to work in a department store so she knows how this works. She also knows I'm lying when I tell her this toy has been on sale constantly for at least a month and corporate may have underestimated its popularity. I bet you didn't know any of this before, did you?
Well, this is her story and she's sticking to it. She's also going to tell the local radio stations and newspapers about our nefarious plot to deprive youngsters of their precious discovery kids toys OH NOEZ! I need someplace to hide until this all blows over
And as a parting shot: "How can I enjoy Christmas having to look at my grandchildren's sad faces when they can't get what they really wanted? YOU RUINED CHRISTMAS!"

Some time later I see her speaking with my manager (O NOES she's going to tell her I was rude too!

I suppose in hindsight I could've edjimicated this fruitcake with extra nuts on the finer points of supply chain management, and supply and demand. But since she worked at a department store she should already know these things. Plus usually the simplest explanation is the best, and in this case that simplest explanation is: she's crazy. In the baby food and rubber room way.
Possible Marital Tumult
Get called to deliver a wooden jewelry armoire to a customer (and if you need one of these things to store all your jewelry, someday the mighty cluebird will take a dump right on your head and it'll dawn on you that you have too much jewelry). I get it right into the trunk of their Buick Park Avenue Old Person Car For Old People (curb feelers standard; permanently-flashing left-turn signal optional)
Then I ask the husband for the receipt and...a clusterfuck ensues. There is much rummaging in pockets, probing in wifey's pocketbook, digging in the glove compartment, and shuffling of garbage. Also many a cross word is exchanged.
"Leroy, you paid for the damn thing; where is the receipt?"
"I don't know Ethel; I thought I gave it to you!"
"I don't believe this. Leroy, where is that damn receipt? Get out of the car and check your coat pockets!"
"I already did Ethel, dammit! One Hundred Twenty-Four something dollars it was!"
"Now I'm all nervous! This is just great!"
Finally I decide to go inside and have the service desk person dig out the duplicate receipt I had checked off before I delivered the jewelry armoire. But when I get inside the service desk person is busy with another customer and I end up waiting a while. So I do something I really shouldn't do and venture behind the service desk to get the receipt myself. I head out the doors with it and OH NO THEY'RE DRIVING AWAY! SOMEBODY STOP THEM YOU FOOLS!"
Meh. I did my part.
Possible Marital Tumult: Part Deux
Later I get called to help out in seasonal, where some other old bag and her husband are examining artificial Christmas trees. They seemingly found one they liked, but the branches on one tree were slightly different than those on another. Or something. Anyhow they (actually, the wife) had a specific combination of branches and lights in mind, and I thought she was going to make me open up boxes so she could examine branches. Or something.
Finally I convince her what she sees out on the tree table is what she will get in the box, so it's now time to make a decision. And as in so many couples, neither half really wants to be the one to decide.
"Which one do you want already!" The one with the white lights or the one with the blue and green lights?"
"I dunno. It's your tree. Whatever will look good with your pink ornaments I guess."
"Well...why the hell did I even bring you here? Now here's one tree, and here's another tree. Which one do you want?"
"I don't know. Which one do you want?"
"Dammit; this guy has stuff to do! He can't stand here while we waste time!" (Lie: he can waste as much time as he wants, as long as he's "with a customer."

"I don't think I like the white lights...."
"Okay, here's the one with the blue and the green lights. We don't have to use it with the lights on."
"Okay."
So I take a box with a tree bearing blue and green lights and drop it in their cart, and they go merrily on their way. Assuming "merrily" means "continuing to bicker."
Wherein Irv almost cries
Seriously, I do have a heart folks. It's in me somewhere, possibly behind the big wad of cheez doodles.
One of the apparel ladies is running a register because it's so busy. She's checking out a guy I assume she knows from their conversation, so nothing she says is said with any malice, just in case that thought pops up for somebody.
"...Christmas isn't going to be the same without her. "(I assume the guy is referring to his wife, who has apparently passed on.)
"Well, you seem to be doing well by yourself."
(in about the saddest sigh manageable by humans)" Ohhhhhhhhhhh..."
That choked me up. Christmas without a loved one is always sad. I know this time of year is when I miss my grandma the most.
One more day before a a weekend off. Yaay. But I have to be in at 4 am tomorrow. Booo.
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