Er, No

[FArchivist]

CAC: Current Awesome Coworker
SC: Guess!
Me: Me!

CAC: *tight voice* FArchivist, this client wants to speak to you.
Me: Uh oh. Why?
CAC: *tight voice* Just take the call.
Me: Um...sure.
CAC: *cold transfers the call*
Me: Good evening, <spiel>. FArchivist speaking.
SC: Before we get to the problem with my machine, you need to answer a question for me.
Me: OK. Go ahead, sir.
SC: Why do you have NEGRONS answering the phone?!?!?
Me: ...
Me: Sir, this call is being disconnected for offensive language. Please call back during normal business hours. *click*

Still can't decide if this was a prank call or not.
Strangely, the last time I ever heard that particular epithet in that configuration was from my father. And this sure wasn't him.

===

Dear Clients:

Do not tell me the copier is failing to scan documents to a folder when the real problem is that the document feeder on top of the machine is jamming. The two items have very different troubleshooting requirements. Thus, insisting that it's having a problem scanning when I ask HOW the scan is failing will lead me down a different path.

Yours Truly,
Mr Clarity

===

Dear Madam:

I am terribly sorry a part has broken off of your copier. I am mortified that this could happen, especially since the technician was out earlier today to replace the waste toner capture. Surely he should have foreseen that you were going to put cardboard through the bypass tray against our specific paper recommendations. It is very unfortunate that the signs for your grocery will be unable to be printed. However, you do have a service contract and so the technician will be out on Monday.

I'm sorry? This machine is the only printer/copier/fax/whatever in the grocery store? There's no possible way you can go the weekend without it? You need immediate assistance before Monday? Very well; I but live to serve. You are eligible for our after-hours service. It is not covered by your contract and so will be billable; the minimum charge before we dispatch is $1200.00.

Oh dear, I am terribly sorry once again. We are unable to accommodate your request for invoicing for payment at a later date. No, we do not offer Net-30 or Net-60 on this service. A method of payment must be immediately provided, by check, credit card, or PO.

A check will be most suitable. We will need a facsimile of the check before we dispatch.

Oh dear. No fax machine other than the broken copier in the grocery? Terrible.

No, we cannot make an exception. We need to know that check is real. Unfortunately, there have been many in the past who have squandered our good will and trust in this sort of thing.

Certainly I will wait while you get a credit card.

Oh dear, you've hung up.

Now you're not answering the phone.

Terribly sorry. Monday service it is.

Yours Truly,
Mr After Hours

[mharbourgirl]

Signboard.... through a standard multifunction....

Now THAT's a boner.

I love my Ricoh multifunction. It's amazingly reliable and can even do cardstock, though it takes a whiz all over glossy paper. I can't imagine trying to force signboard through it, though. I'm too thrilled to be working with a machine that doesn't go on the fritz the minute I get within 1 metre of it (I'm looking at YOU, Xerox!) so I won't ask it to do anything to it it's not meant to do.

I just wish MY copier tech wasn't mortally offended by the fact that I have to call him more than once a year because the fuser keeps failing. And it's not like I call him for stupid shit like paper jams or toner replacements, either. There are a lot of things I can easily fix myself, but a broken fuser ain't one of 'em. He keeps blaming catastrophic part meltdowns on the fact that I, uh, USE the machine. If I didn't use it, it wouldn't break down regularly, see?

Meh. And in 7 weeks my office is moving and I'm going to be faced with a brand new, high-speed multifunction... from Xerox. Xerox machines hate me.

[LillFilly]

Heee, I could just see your heart bleeding for that last one...

[FArchivist]

I love my Ricoh multifunction. It's amazingly reliable and can even do cardstock, though it takes a whiz all over glossy paper.

I recommend using this type of paper with the Paper Type setting on "Special Paper 1". I wouldn't recommend duplexing, probably would not need to be put through the bypass. YMMV; glossy is loads fun to deal with.

I just wish MY copier tech wasn't mortally offended by the fact that I have to call him more than once a year because the fuser keeps failing. And it's not like I call him for stupid shit like paper jams or toner replacements, either. There are a lot of things I can easily fix myself, but a broken fuser ain't one of 'em. He keeps blaming catastrophic part meltdowns on the fact that I, uh, USE the machine. If I didn't use it, it wouldn't break down regularly, see?

If it happens to be a service code that usually starts as 54x, it is more likely to be a bad tripping sensor than an actual fuser meltdown itself. At least, that's my experience.

I did not provide this information. *jedi mind trick* I was never here.

[mharbourgirl]

I recommend using this type of paper with the Paper Type setting on "Special Paper 1". I wouldn't recommend duplexing, probably would not need to be put through the bypass. YMMV; glossy is loads fun to deal with.

Eep. That's exactly what I did, actually. Got smears anyway. This machine isn't aging all that well. I generally discourage using shiny paper, because it's expensive and gets charged to the budget of the department that wanted to use it. Keeps my office supply costs down.

If it happens to be a service code that usually starts as 54x, it is more likely to be a bad tripping sensor than an actual fuser meltdown itself. At least, that's my experience.

I did not provide this information. *jedi mind trick* I was never here.

Velly, velly interesting. One thing this machine has in spades is sensor issues. I shall keep my eyes open, because I've seen codes like that pop up before. And I didn't hear it from you.

[EvilEmpryss]

For the last lady Evil E will now perform her world famous rendition of Ebenezer Scrooge:

But have they no refuge, no resource? Are there no prisons (Staples)? Are there no workhouses (Kinkos)? From what you said at first I was afraid that something had happened to stop them in their useful course.

Bah humbug to the grocery lady with the copier problems. $1200 will get her one hell of a job at any copier place to cover her for the weekend and she can have her precious machine fixed on Monday.

As for the first guy, he seriously needs a date with the Ghost of Christmas Future.