My Uncle Reginald's Pet Weasel's Fifteenth Baptism (rated R for sexual references)

[Mango]

Mary Kay Beauty Products for a "Macho" Man(go)

As we get better at detecting them, they get craftier.

SC: "Hi, I'm trying to promote a new organization I've started. See, I got divorced ten years ago. Not only did I have almost no money, I had no idea how to handle my finances because my ex-husband did it all. I almost lost my house. So I started this organization to educate people about how they can take control of their finances."
Me: [like a sucker] "Wow! What a great idea! What can I do to help?"
SC: "I was hoping we could set up a meeting. I'm an Independent Mary Kay Associate!"

HISSSSSSSSSSSSSS! BACK! BACK, I SAY! You lulled me into a false sense of security with your story about educating people about taking control of their finances. And it almost worked too. But, now I'm on to your ways. I SHALL PREVAIL!

And what made you think I need Mary Kay products? I like to think I am "macho".



Telemarketer of the Year

I don't hang up on anyone unless I'm a million percent sure they're not a customer in any way shape or form. This means having to talk to telemarketers until I can figure out who they are.

TM: "What we're selling is...a lottery! And it's like...well, a lottery! And what you win is...well, you don't win anything. It's not a lottery, we just call it a lottery."

Wow! Why, I'll take three of them! One for the house, one for the car, and one to give to my Uncle Reginald at his pet weasel's fifteenth baptism!



True Medicine from Surrey

The saga continues. I politely told her I didn't want to buy what she was selling. Apparently it is unwise to turn down someone who is batshit insane. She decided to report my behaviour, but missed my boss and got my colleague instead. I was forwarded a copy of this email:

SC: "Response given to Mango during an inquiry conducted by phone on his knowledge of our company. WOULD NEVER BUY OR SUPPORT ANY OF OUR PRODUCTS, HEY??? Thks for hopefully revising YOUR POSITIONS MANGO on our true and professional HEALTHCARE specialists who PREVENTS instead of giving away for FREE the weed that creates diseases and safe injection sites to shoot themselves to death."



Her Lord and Saviour

Me: "Good afternoon, [Company]. My name is Mango."
SC: "OH! Mango! My...my...my Lord and Saviour~#!"
Me: "...well, I just make software..."
SC: "That'll do!"

I have to say that you're pretty quick to compromise on this type of thing. I warn you that this is what leads to having to baptize a freaking pet weasel. Trust me.



The Chronically Verbose

Me: "Good morning, [Company], this is Mango."
SC: "Now I'm injured. I'm injured, okay? I've broken my leg. And I can't get around. I can't get around very well. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can't. I don't know from day to day whether I will be able to or not. Crutches - I'm not used to crutches. I'm not used to crutches at all. See, I'm injured, and do you know what everyone says? DO YOU KNOW WHAT EVERYONE SAYS? They say, 'oh, you must have done something to your karma,' or 'oh, God is punishing you.' Well, let me tell you what. I may be injured, but THAT'S NOT THE REASON! Do you know what the reason is? DO YOU? I broke my leg because I WALKED INTO A TABLE. I'm CLUMSY. I'M FREAKING CLUMSY, but THAT'S ALL. It's not God, it's not Karma, it's not Satan, ALL IT IS is me being clumsy. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? Now, I believe in God - and I DO believe in God - but I don't believe he punishes people. I'm injured, I've broken my leg but it's not because of him. I WALKED INTO A TABLE. OKAY!?"
Me: "Ok. And...how may I help you?"
SC: "How much is [Software]?"
Me: "$xxx."
SC: "Very well, then! Have a lovely day!" [click]

No offense, but you sound as nuts as my Uncle Reginald did after he got bit by his pet weasel.



O. M. G.

I post this against my better judgement.

SC: "I want to know how I can contact other users of [software]."
Me: "I could try to put you in touch with some people. What did you have in mind?"
SC: "See, I know it sounds strange at my age, but I've never really had a boyfriend, you know? And I was thinking if you set me up with someone who used [software], we'd have something in common to talk about!"
Me: "Ma'am, I really don't think I can--"
SC: "But you HAVE to find out if he's okay with using non-latex condoms, because I'm allergic to latex~#!"





True Medicine from Surrey

SC: "Happy holidays from your independent wellness consultant!"

I realize there is no mention of weed and people shooting themselves to death in your above statement, but frankly, your holiday wishes do not leave me with the warm and fuzzy feeling you may or may not have intended. However, your political correctness is commendable.



A Dandy Griddle

SC: "If you ever want to have a barbecue here, I have a dandy griddle!"

There was no preface to this - he literally just stumbled into my office, made this statement, and wandered out again.


__________________
Christmas music!

[alowlypotato]

Err...maybe Non-Latex Girl could hook up with the Man Who Walks into Tables?

[dalesys]

No offense, but you sound as nuts as my Uncle Reginald did after he got bit by his pet weasel.

I suppose Uncle Reginald keeps his weasel in his trousers... And the bite happened shortly after a "baptism"?

[MoonCat]

Err...maybe Non-Latex Girl could hook up with the Man Who Walks into Tables?

That's a good idea. He couldn't run away! (although he might want to)

[Moggie]

Her Lord and Saviour

Me: "Good afternoon, [Company]. My name is Mango."
SC: "OH! Mango! My...my...my Lord and Saviour~#!"
Me: "...well, I just make software..."
SC: "That'll do!"

I have to say that you're pretty quick to compromise on this type of thing. I warn you that this is what leads to having to baptize a freaking pet weasel. Trust me.

Some days you just have to take who you can get on the phone...
But I'm sure you made someone really happy with this call. Almost a religious experience in customer service as it were.

[chainedbarista]

SC: "Response given to Mango during an inquiry conducted by phone on his knowledge of our company. WOULD NEVER BUY OR SUPPORT ANY OF OUR PRODUCTS, HEY??? Thks for hopefully revising YOUR POSITIONS MANGO on our true and professional HEALTHCARE specialists who PREVENTS instead of giving away for FREE the weed that creates diseases and safe injection sites to shoot themselves to death."

i...eh, what?

*backs away*

as for latex girl, tmi and happy holidays to you.

[BlaqueKatt]

SC: "See, I know it sounds strange at my age, but I've never really had a boyfriend, you know? And I was thinking if you set me up with someone who used [software], we'd have something in common to talk about!"

if this is her approach.....why am I not surprised at her total lack of male companionship...

[Sapphire Silk]

SC: "Hi, I'm trying to promote a new organization I've started. <snip>. So I started this organization to educate people about how they can take control of their finances."
Me: [like a sucker] "Wow! What a great idea! What can I do to help?"
SC: "I was hoping we could set up a meeting. I'm an Independent Mary Kay Associate!"

Evil. Evil, I say!

True Medicine from Surrey

SC: "Response given to Mango during an inquiry conducted by phone on his knowledge of our company. WOULD NEVER BUY OR SUPPORT ANY OF OUR PRODUCTS, HEY??? Thks for hopefully revising YOUR POSITIONS MANGO on our true and professional HEALTHCARE specialists who PREVENTS instead of giving away for FREE the weed that creates diseases and safe injection sites to shoot themselves to death."

Sooooo. . . her primary claim is her specialists are better because they charge for their dope instead of giving it away?

[Mytical]

Panacea you made more sense of that email then I did. Mind skipped the BlueSoD and went straight to BlackSoD on that one.

[blas]

The Mary Kay lady makes me ill. When I first joined the cult known as Mary Kay, I was suckered into believing it was how women everywhere proudly proclaimed their statuses as independent businesswomen, and how they can make tons of money by selling makeup.

They don't tell you that you not only have to buy a starter kit (was a little over $100 in 2004, bet it's more now), but you also have to buy your own inventory so that you don't have to order out if you don't have what your customers want (thousands of dollars here, folks). Mary Kay is a company where you have to HAVE money to make money, they don't tell you that. Or that you have to go to meetings and host makeup parties and try to get people to buy buy buy.

[PepperElf]

It's not a lottery, we just call it a lottery.

is there some local law against lotteries or gambling they're trying to skirt around?

weed that creates diseases and safe injection sites to shoot themselves to death

a weed that the SC has taken much of?

I'm injured, I've broken my leg but it's not because of him. I WALKED INTO A TABLE. OKAY!?

maybe a weasel moved the table. would that make it weasel-karma?

[Mondestrucken]

Just reading your post made my brain suffer a break. I think I am going to lie down for awhile.