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I realize there aren't as many this time around, but this is all within the last few days.
O.......kaaaaay
IM: Why can't I get a job in the Kitchen?
ME: I don't know, that has nothing to do with me.
IM: I talked to [Food Service Co. Supervisor] and he said he'd put me on the list.
ME: He probably did, but there are probably guys ahead of you.
IM: Man, this is bullshit! I haven't got no fag write-ups in over a year!
ME: .......
Yeah. I fail to see what that has to do with anything or why you even bring it up. And I really have no way to respond to that. Nor do the 50 guys hanging around the the Dayroom who are now giving you their full attention. Must be awkward, so I'll leave you to it then.
Cruel and Unusual Punishment
I was searching an inmate's cell and found a list of "must-see" movies for when he gets out next year. Mainly all the big blockbusters over the last few years. Then I saw "The Twilight Zone: New Moon."
I almost considered explaining it to him, but he probably wouldn't believe me anyway. No, best to figure it out for himself, I suppose.
Gotta Catch Em All
I was in the control room helping my coworker open and close doors for inmates coming back from dinner (there are four sides to the house and each one has its own control panel, more efficient to run it with 1 officer running 2 sides each). Two of the guys I mentioned in my last post who play Magic: The Gathering with homemade cards live in the same cell. When they came back, I heard my coworker talking to them through their intercom.
CW: Hey. Do you have Charizard?
IM1: What? Man, get the fuck out of here. We play Magic.
CW: Yeah, I know. So do you have Charizard?
IM2: Dude, shut up.
CW: Admit it. You caught them all.
IM1: I don't know what you're talking about?
CW: Do you have Bulbasaur?
IM2: YOU'RE Bulbasaur.
CW: What was the one that Charizard turned into?
IM2: I don't know what you're talking about.
CW: You know, that dragon.
IM1: Charizard was the dragon. Charmeleon turned into Charizard.
CW: So you DID catch them all!
IM1: Fuck.
CW: No, it's cool Don't be ashamed.
IM2: Man.....
CW: Which one is your favorite?
IM1: I like Pikachu.
CW: So can I call you Pikachu?
IM1: Yeah.
CW: What about me? Can I be Onyx? Onyx was badass.
IM2: No, you're too soft. You're Bulbasaur.
CW: What about you? You can be Jigglypuff.
IM2: Fuck that!
CW: Alright, talk to you later, Jigglypuff.
I didn't have much to offer to the conversation, because I was too busy trying to cover my laughter behind him. Especially once they realized they were busted. I almost said something about Charizard being the most evolved form, but kept quiet. Besides, I don't know anything about that stuff. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to walk my Torterra. I mean dog.
Now Try Doing It Without Looking Like A Jackass
Oh hello Mr Grumpy Inmate. I see you are still mad at me for not allowing you to come out and play earlier when it wasn't your scheduled time to do so. I can see this by the way you are glaring at me and strutting to show me how tough you are. Oh, watch out for that door frame, you wouldn't want to face-plant into it. That would kind of ruin the whole mean-mugging me thing. Ah, you saw it a mere nanosecond before you would have been on the ground lacking all of your teeth. Yes, take a second to reorient yourself, there you go. No one saw it? Well, then, it's back to trying to intimidate me by your foreboding presence. Oh, there's another door frame there. Ah I see you found it, just in the nick of time again no less. Regain your composure, there's a good thug. Right then, as you were.
Oh, burn!
ME: What were you doing at (other inmate)'s door just now?
IM: Oh, I picked up his laundry for him and was giving it to him.
ME: Why? Can't he do it?
IM: I was just-
ME: Are you his bitch now or something?
IM: No, see, I was just trying to....
ME: ....
IM: Wait, did you just?
ME: *nod
IM: Aw, no! You got me fucked up! Get out of here with that!
Gee, you almost completely missed that one, didn't you? Maybe you should buddy-up with Mr Mean-Muggin'. Then you could spot for each other.
Greco-Roman Beatdown
So this inmate throws a fit because a fairly new officer questioned him on his way out to the Gym. Seems he was supposed to be in the band room and someone was doing their job and asking him about it. So he whined to our SGT, who was with me in the control room at the time about how this guy was all up in his shit. The SGT told him to go ahead and get gone. Not even 10 minutes later, he's walking in the front door.
ME: Hmm. So much for the Band Room I guess.
SGT: Yeah, that's not right.
ME: He definitely had SOMEWHERE to be, but not there.
SGT: Don't let him in the pod.
ME: Well, obviously.
The sargent had the second floor officer come out and pat him down, then we let him in. The other officer came into control with something in his hand.
CW: What do you think this is?
He held up what looked like part of an ink pen wrapped in tape and had burnt residue inside. Smelled like tobacco. Tobacco is not allowed in the facility.
SGT: Shit. Don't let him back in his cell.
ME: He's already there.
SGT: Tell [Newish Officer] to go get him out of there and search that cell.
ME (on phone): Go shake that cell down, he's got something in there.
The officer went up there and I kept the intercom on so I could hear what usually happens with these kinds of thing.
ME: He just flushed the toilet. [Newbie] is at the door.
SGT: Let me up there.
No sooner did the sergent step into the pod, he radioed or officer assistance, right at the time I heard the sounds of a struggle inside. I locked everyone down while the SGT and the second officer ran up the stairs and jumped into the cell. Response team came, and I noticed that the inmate had his coat draped over him after they cuffed him up and walked him out, and it looked like he wasn't wearing a shirt for some reason, but I figured it might have been torn in the fight.
SGT and the other officer both came back in holding a baggie of tobacco mixed with marijuana. The newer officer returned to the desk and my SGT called him.
SGT: I just want to say, that was excellent work. Yeah. Uh-huh. No, that was perfect. Um... just so I know, did you try to strip-search him, or why was he butt-ass-naked?
ME:
SGT: Oh. Oh really? Okay.
ME: So he just got his ass kicked naked?
SGT: Yeah, he knew what was going to happen, so when [Newbie] went up there he had taken all his clothes off and hand his hand stuffed down the toilet. He told the inmate to stop, and hit the button to flush it. But he tackled him and he didn't let go of the baggie.
ME: Damn. That's how you get things done!
That was without a doubt one of the best Uses of Force we've had in a good long while. I told the officer later that people will eventually come and tell him how THEY would have handled it or that he was in the wrong for using force to begin with. I let him know to tell them that I said they can go fuck themselves because he did everything right and I have seen too many people who would just stand there and not have done anything. Sometimes you just have to do what needs to be done and it doesn't happen often enough.
Admit it. Some of you are jealous of my job
O.......kaaaaay
IM: Why can't I get a job in the Kitchen?
ME: I don't know, that has nothing to do with me.
IM: I talked to [Food Service Co. Supervisor] and he said he'd put me on the list.
ME: He probably did, but there are probably guys ahead of you.
IM: Man, this is bullshit! I haven't got no fag write-ups in over a year!
ME: .......
Yeah. I fail to see what that has to do with anything or why you even bring it up. And I really have no way to respond to that. Nor do the 50 guys hanging around the the Dayroom who are now giving you their full attention. Must be awkward, so I'll leave you to it then.
Cruel and Unusual Punishment
I was searching an inmate's cell and found a list of "must-see" movies for when he gets out next year. Mainly all the big blockbusters over the last few years. Then I saw "The Twilight Zone: New Moon."
I almost considered explaining it to him, but he probably wouldn't believe me anyway. No, best to figure it out for himself, I suppose.
Gotta Catch Em All
I was in the control room helping my coworker open and close doors for inmates coming back from dinner (there are four sides to the house and each one has its own control panel, more efficient to run it with 1 officer running 2 sides each). Two of the guys I mentioned in my last post who play Magic: The Gathering with homemade cards live in the same cell. When they came back, I heard my coworker talking to them through their intercom.
CW: Hey. Do you have Charizard?
IM1: What? Man, get the fuck out of here. We play Magic.
CW: Yeah, I know. So do you have Charizard?
IM2: Dude, shut up.
CW: Admit it. You caught them all.
IM1: I don't know what you're talking about?
CW: Do you have Bulbasaur?
IM2: YOU'RE Bulbasaur.
CW: What was the one that Charizard turned into?
IM2: I don't know what you're talking about.
CW: You know, that dragon.
IM1: Charizard was the dragon. Charmeleon turned into Charizard.
CW: So you DID catch them all!
IM1: Fuck.
CW: No, it's cool Don't be ashamed.
IM2: Man.....
CW: Which one is your favorite?
IM1: I like Pikachu.
CW: So can I call you Pikachu?
IM1: Yeah.
CW: What about me? Can I be Onyx? Onyx was badass.
IM2: No, you're too soft. You're Bulbasaur.
CW: What about you? You can be Jigglypuff.
IM2: Fuck that!
CW: Alright, talk to you later, Jigglypuff.
I didn't have much to offer to the conversation, because I was too busy trying to cover my laughter behind him. Especially once they realized they were busted. I almost said something about Charizard being the most evolved form, but kept quiet. Besides, I don't know anything about that stuff. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to walk my Torterra. I mean dog.
Now Try Doing It Without Looking Like A Jackass
Oh hello Mr Grumpy Inmate. I see you are still mad at me for not allowing you to come out and play earlier when it wasn't your scheduled time to do so. I can see this by the way you are glaring at me and strutting to show me how tough you are. Oh, watch out for that door frame, you wouldn't want to face-plant into it. That would kind of ruin the whole mean-mugging me thing. Ah, you saw it a mere nanosecond before you would have been on the ground lacking all of your teeth. Yes, take a second to reorient yourself, there you go. No one saw it? Well, then, it's back to trying to intimidate me by your foreboding presence. Oh, there's another door frame there. Ah I see you found it, just in the nick of time again no less. Regain your composure, there's a good thug. Right then, as you were.
Oh, burn!
ME: What were you doing at (other inmate)'s door just now?
IM: Oh, I picked up his laundry for him and was giving it to him.
ME: Why? Can't he do it?
IM: I was just-
ME: Are you his bitch now or something?
IM: No, see, I was just trying to....
ME: ....
IM: Wait, did you just?
ME: *nod
IM: Aw, no! You got me fucked up! Get out of here with that!
Gee, you almost completely missed that one, didn't you? Maybe you should buddy-up with Mr Mean-Muggin'. Then you could spot for each other.
Greco-Roman Beatdown
So this inmate throws a fit because a fairly new officer questioned him on his way out to the Gym. Seems he was supposed to be in the band room and someone was doing their job and asking him about it. So he whined to our SGT, who was with me in the control room at the time about how this guy was all up in his shit. The SGT told him to go ahead and get gone. Not even 10 minutes later, he's walking in the front door.
ME: Hmm. So much for the Band Room I guess.
SGT: Yeah, that's not right.
ME: He definitely had SOMEWHERE to be, but not there.
SGT: Don't let him in the pod.
ME: Well, obviously.
The sargent had the second floor officer come out and pat him down, then we let him in. The other officer came into control with something in his hand.
CW: What do you think this is?
He held up what looked like part of an ink pen wrapped in tape and had burnt residue inside. Smelled like tobacco. Tobacco is not allowed in the facility.
SGT: Shit. Don't let him back in his cell.
ME: He's already there.
SGT: Tell [Newish Officer] to go get him out of there and search that cell.
ME (on phone): Go shake that cell down, he's got something in there.
The officer went up there and I kept the intercom on so I could hear what usually happens with these kinds of thing.
ME: He just flushed the toilet. [Newbie] is at the door.
SGT: Let me up there.
No sooner did the sergent step into the pod, he radioed or officer assistance, right at the time I heard the sounds of a struggle inside. I locked everyone down while the SGT and the second officer ran up the stairs and jumped into the cell. Response team came, and I noticed that the inmate had his coat draped over him after they cuffed him up and walked him out, and it looked like he wasn't wearing a shirt for some reason, but I figured it might have been torn in the fight.
SGT and the other officer both came back in holding a baggie of tobacco mixed with marijuana. The newer officer returned to the desk and my SGT called him.
SGT: I just want to say, that was excellent work. Yeah. Uh-huh. No, that was perfect. Um... just so I know, did you try to strip-search him, or why was he butt-ass-naked?
ME:
SGT: Oh. Oh really? Okay.
ME: So he just got his ass kicked naked?
SGT: Yeah, he knew what was going to happen, so when [Newbie] went up there he had taken all his clothes off and hand his hand stuffed down the toilet. He told the inmate to stop, and hit the button to flush it. But he tackled him and he didn't let go of the baggie.
ME: Damn. That's how you get things done!
That was without a doubt one of the best Uses of Force we've had in a good long while. I told the officer later that people will eventually come and tell him how THEY would have handled it or that he was in the wrong for using force to begin with. I let him know to tell them that I said they can go fuck themselves because he did everything right and I have seen too many people who would just stand there and not have done anything. Sometimes you just have to do what needs to be done and it doesn't happen often enough.
Admit it. Some of you are jealous of my job
(most people think that anything beyond the Kanto region is a waste of time)
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