Tweet
My life would be so boring without this job. =p
The Messiah and 7/11...
Clerk: "Do you need a bag?"
SC: "It's Jesus! JESUS DOESN'T NEED A BAG!"
Clerk: "…ok."
Ah, 7/11. I may get a lot of twits and crazies here, but at least they aren't within arm's reach of me. In fact thats probably all that separates me from an assault charge.
Unfortunate Names
You know…."Sara Ho" is a pretty unfortunate name to have.
Unfortunate Names #2
Ok I was wrong, "Willy Gaywoods" is a pretty unfortunate name to have.
Strange Complaints
Caller complained that someone else paid his phone bill……..that's a bad thing? Hell, get them to trace the payment and find out who it was. Have him pay my bill too.
Tech Support
SC: "I've been havin, ok now, pay ma phone bill, ok, power went off, at EEEE-WHIZ, they took ma info, transferred ma payment, ok-"
Dear Lord, I know you've got what ( for you anyway ) is too much information in your head at once but please, give me one sentence at a time. Not all of them at once. At the very least give me a minute to write all the words down and rearrange them to solve the riddle.
Monkey Pox
You know, the entire territory of Nunavut seems to be under some sort of elaborate witch's curse wherein if they're forced to say "Thank you" to anyone they'll be stricken down by monkey pox. Well, that’s my theory at least. One of them anyway. I have many other theories. In fact, 2 or 3 years from now I'll be out on Grandville street, clutching a shopping cart, telling you what the rest of them are when you walk by me. So look forward to it.
Diplomatic Relations
( This guy calls a few times every other week to tell me this... )
Mr "Get the f**k out of my country!" called tonight. I haven't heard from him in a long time! I was starting to worry ( hope ) that maybe he was hit by an SUV or a low flying aircraft. Surprisingly, he wanted me to get the f**k out of his country.
I am a filthy yankee sympathizer. Oh, and a "fudge packer".
Timezones
Me: "Unfortunately our travel agents aren't in till 8am pacific, so I wouldn't be able to help you."
SC: "Oh, ok, I suppose I can just call back later then."
Ha ha, you actually said that like you really had a choice. That's so cute!
3am...
Me: "You'd have to call during business hours for a quote."
SC: "Business hours? You mean like, during the day?"
Well there's only two possibilities: During the day and during the night. You just tried one of them and failed miserably. Yet somehow, I get the impression even if you tried the other one you'd still fail miserably.
I am a bastard
Me: "Good evening, <Company Name>."
SC: "Hi."
Me: "Hi, can I help you?"
SC: "…..uh….."
Me: "…….."
<insert 15 seconds of dead silence.>
SC: "….yeah."
We're not exactly off to a great start. But I'm a forgiving soul. Do you want a Do-Over? If you hang up now and call back I'll pretend the first call didn't happen and we can start all over again. Kind of like you and grade 6.
( I had you going for a moment there didn't I? You thought I was going to be nice. )
Error
Me: "-and what's your postal code?"
SC: "General delivery."
Invalid response. (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore?
Timezones Again...
Me: "They won't be in till after 8."
SC: "What time is it there now?"
Me: "6:15."
SC: "What time can I call?"
Me: "…..after 8."
SC: "….sorry, when?"
Me: "In 2 hours."
SC: "Oh! Ok"
Its ok, I've got your back! Now you can return to trying to jam the square peg through the round hole.
Phone Number Rhythm
The proper sequence of a phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. Not xxxx-xx-xxxx. That just farks with my head when you say it that way. If that was unintentional, please call again after you have successfully obtained rhythm. If that was intentional, please headbutt a wasp's nest.
Unnecessarily Complicated
Every time the caller got to the "-" in a product id she said, and I quote: "and then there's a line there.". Every time….for every item….."xxxx and then there's a line there and then xx".
Please…call it a dash, call it a squiggly, Hell, call it a lazy "1" but do try and keep it under a full sentence.
You won't see that in a textbook
Caller presented me with the weirdest math problem I have ever heard. She was trying to help a group of Korean passengers book hotel rooms but they didn't speak English. Unfortunately, she didn't know how many rooms they would need. She actually told me, word for word, that she had 12 Koreans, but 6 of them were really small, so how many rooms would she need?
I don't even have a joke here. I don't think I even need one, do I?
Good for you?
"Good evening you're paging Client's Name with Client's Company"
"Hi, this is Client, I'm eating an apple."
…..? Do you want a medal? I can applaud politely if you like?
Arch Nemesis
( This cracked me up. -.- )
OC = On call pilot girl
Me: "Hi, this is Gravekeeper from MyCompany here, I just had an emergency charter for you."
OC: "Sure, what is it?"
Me: "The call's from Jerry Beaver-"
OC: "ARGH! JERRY BEAVER!"
Me: "…?!"
I could actually see her shaking her fist skyward. CURSE YOU, JERRY BEAVER!
The Beast
( A little background: This woman calls us about every other week or so trying to get a hold of a specific lawyer from our client's office. She's more then a tad crazy but I guess they didn't realize it until it was too late. After they dropped her case she began like, stalking this poor lawyer. Now she calls at all hours of the night demanding to speak with him and going into *insane* monologues. Seriously, 15 minutes alone with this woman on the phone line will ruin your life. ;p )
<Beast's name> absolutely despises me now with the fury of a thousand suns. I'm sure she would kill me with her bare hands then add my pants and fingernail clippings to her collection taken from other victims if she could.
Why you ask? Because I didn't have the time to listen to her usual ranting tonight since I was the only op and couldn't afford to tie up my lines. She *really* doesn't like it when you don't submit to her verbal psychosis. She kept calling back over and over because I wouldn't listen to her and trying to rope me into talking to her. When I politely declined again and again she got uppity. I was being "dismissive". Well, yes. Last time I talked to you I believe you eluded to the fact that you WOULD find out who I was and where I lived. Then I assume do horrible things to me....and take my pants.
This time she informed me I HAD to listen to her because SHE was paying for this call from a payphone. Sorry lady, thats not quite how this works. Then, somehow her nephew factored into the conversation, because she has to "take care of him". She has many "people to take care of" according to her. A hit list I guess. When I still wouldn't talk to her she became enraged and demanded "the pyschosexual truth" from me. Yes, the "pyschosexual truth"…..I don't know what that means and I never, ever want to find out.
But like every tale of a mighty beast of legend versus a plucky young hero she accidentally let slip the one clue that would undo her. She told me to stop hanging up on her because she was running out of quarters. Ha ha! The final boss monster was low on hit points. I only needed endure for a few more rounds of combat.
Sure enough after a couple more calls she never called again. The beast was vanquished! I hummed a victory tune to myself, collected 5000 exp and found a Phoenix Down.
I have won the game. I demand applause.
( One of the floor managers emailed me with applause.
)
Presence
OC = On Call guy
Me: "Hi, it’s MyCompany here. I just had another message for you."
OC: "Sure."
Me: "The call was from Ikea again, they just wanted to know your ETA."
OC: "ETA? But I'm already here…."
Congratulations, your existence is either so insignificant that not even an entire Ikea store staff notices you or you are a ninja amongst sprinkler technicians.
Impudent Mortal
Another round of "How many times do I have to say no before you accept realty", yay!
No, I do not have any other hotels to offer you. No, I do not have rooms at x hotel, I just told you I ONLY had rooms at HotelName. No, there are no other options unless you include a bench at the airport. Sadly, you are a mere human being and do not have the omnipotent powers of divinity required to bend reality to your selfish whims. So you will sleep at the HotelName or you will sleep on an airport bench.
Make your choice, mortal.
Orderlines
( Regular customers are given a VIP ID that lets us bring all their info up when they call so its more convenient for them. )
Me: "Do you have a VIP ID?"
SC: "No, I wanted to put it on VISA."
You sure? VIP ID has low monthly interest rates and bonus air miles. You could save them up then take a dream vacation: A trip around the world to look for a clue.
No Fault Commentary
ClientName isn't suppose to be on the On Call list. Also, he's absolutely and totally drunk. Piss drunk even. Utterly wasted if you will. You can't fault me for saying that either, because that's what his wife told me when I called.
Pat Sajak is the Devil
SC: "Ok…..how do I structure this message…..give me a minute"
What message was so intricately complex that it required a time out to assemble, you ask?
"I faxed the offer to your office."
Wow, you needed a minute to figure that sentence out? Wheel of Fortune must be like a televised version of Hell for you.
Oh for...
Me: "and your phone number?"
SC: "…..uh…..can I call you back in 2 minutes? I don't know my phone number."
Me: "…sure."
Wait! I have a phone book! Hold my hand and give me your last name, we can make it through this together!
Uncaring
OC = On call tech guy. I was trying to give him a new case file.
Me: "The phone number was 403-"
OC: "I don't care about that part!"
Psst….come closer……..I'll let you in on a little secret…..neither do I! Isn't that amazing?! We like, totally think alike. We SO have to have a sleep over now. We can do each other's nails and talk about boys.
Timezones #3
( Note it was already 9am eastern when she called too. )
Me: "They won't be in till 8am, Pacific"
SC: "8am, is that Eastern?"
Me: "….no, Pacific."
I just can't seem to win when it comes to timezones. Of course it might help if I knew what the Hell game we were playing. Can you at least give me a hint? Does it use dice? Do I need cards?.....wait, did you just sink my Battleship? Goddammit.
Rainbow Beefeater
Oh dear Lord, there was this massive, scary man on my Skytrain....like no neck, beef eating gorilla kind of scary. But he was wrapped in this huge rainbow blanket and perched on a double seat like some kind of terrifying meat owl. ><
He was just glaring at everyone that got on the train. He also smelled of....how do I put this.....pork and failure? After he lumbered off at Broadway ( Where they always get off, or on. ) he left that life crushing aroma behind. For the next three stops people kept getting on, sitting where he use to be and getting this look on their face like someone had just suddenly rammed a small vegetable up their arse. Then they'd get up like they'd been shocked and immediately move to the far side of the train.
Nothing says attractive like "Oh dear Christ, I can actually *taste* your body ordor."
You know, I really think my life would be too boring if I quit this job. Seriously.
The Messiah and 7/11...
Clerk: "Do you need a bag?"
SC: "It's Jesus! JESUS DOESN'T NEED A BAG!"
Clerk: "…ok."
Ah, 7/11. I may get a lot of twits and crazies here, but at least they aren't within arm's reach of me. In fact thats probably all that separates me from an assault charge.
Unfortunate Names
You know…."Sara Ho" is a pretty unfortunate name to have.
Unfortunate Names #2
Ok I was wrong, "Willy Gaywoods" is a pretty unfortunate name to have.
Strange Complaints
Caller complained that someone else paid his phone bill……..that's a bad thing? Hell, get them to trace the payment and find out who it was. Have him pay my bill too.
Tech Support
SC: "I've been havin, ok now, pay ma phone bill, ok, power went off, at EEEE-WHIZ, they took ma info, transferred ma payment, ok-"
Dear Lord, I know you've got what ( for you anyway ) is too much information in your head at once but please, give me one sentence at a time. Not all of them at once. At the very least give me a minute to write all the words down and rearrange them to solve the riddle.
Monkey Pox
You know, the entire territory of Nunavut seems to be under some sort of elaborate witch's curse wherein if they're forced to say "Thank you" to anyone they'll be stricken down by monkey pox. Well, that’s my theory at least. One of them anyway. I have many other theories. In fact, 2 or 3 years from now I'll be out on Grandville street, clutching a shopping cart, telling you what the rest of them are when you walk by me. So look forward to it.
Diplomatic Relations
( This guy calls a few times every other week to tell me this... )
Mr "Get the f**k out of my country!" called tonight. I haven't heard from him in a long time! I was starting to worry ( hope ) that maybe he was hit by an SUV or a low flying aircraft. Surprisingly, he wanted me to get the f**k out of his country.
I am a filthy yankee sympathizer. Oh, and a "fudge packer".
Timezones
Me: "Unfortunately our travel agents aren't in till 8am pacific, so I wouldn't be able to help you."
SC: "Oh, ok, I suppose I can just call back later then."
Ha ha, you actually said that like you really had a choice. That's so cute!
3am...
Me: "You'd have to call during business hours for a quote."
SC: "Business hours? You mean like, during the day?"
Well there's only two possibilities: During the day and during the night. You just tried one of them and failed miserably. Yet somehow, I get the impression even if you tried the other one you'd still fail miserably.
I am a bastard
Me: "Good evening, <Company Name>."
SC: "Hi."
Me: "Hi, can I help you?"
SC: "…..uh….."
Me: "…….."
<insert 15 seconds of dead silence.>
SC: "….yeah."
We're not exactly off to a great start. But I'm a forgiving soul. Do you want a Do-Over? If you hang up now and call back I'll pretend the first call didn't happen and we can start all over again. Kind of like you and grade 6.
( I had you going for a moment there didn't I? You thought I was going to be nice. )
Error
Me: "-and what's your postal code?"
SC: "General delivery."
Invalid response. (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore?
Timezones Again...
Me: "They won't be in till after 8."
SC: "What time is it there now?"
Me: "6:15."
SC: "What time can I call?"
Me: "…..after 8."
SC: "….sorry, when?"
Me: "In 2 hours."
SC: "Oh! Ok"
Its ok, I've got your back! Now you can return to trying to jam the square peg through the round hole.
Phone Number Rhythm
The proper sequence of a phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. Not xxxx-xx-xxxx. That just farks with my head when you say it that way. If that was unintentional, please call again after you have successfully obtained rhythm. If that was intentional, please headbutt a wasp's nest.
Unnecessarily Complicated
Every time the caller got to the "-" in a product id she said, and I quote: "and then there's a line there.". Every time….for every item….."xxxx and then there's a line there and then xx".
Please…call it a dash, call it a squiggly, Hell, call it a lazy "1" but do try and keep it under a full sentence.
You won't see that in a textbook
Caller presented me with the weirdest math problem I have ever heard. She was trying to help a group of Korean passengers book hotel rooms but they didn't speak English. Unfortunately, she didn't know how many rooms they would need. She actually told me, word for word, that she had 12 Koreans, but 6 of them were really small, so how many rooms would she need?
I don't even have a joke here. I don't think I even need one, do I?
Good for you?
"Good evening you're paging Client's Name with Client's Company"
"Hi, this is Client, I'm eating an apple."
…..? Do you want a medal? I can applaud politely if you like?
Arch Nemesis
( This cracked me up. -.- )
OC = On call pilot girl
Me: "Hi, this is Gravekeeper from MyCompany here, I just had an emergency charter for you."
OC: "Sure, what is it?"
Me: "The call's from Jerry Beaver-"
OC: "ARGH! JERRY BEAVER!"
Me: "…?!"
I could actually see her shaking her fist skyward. CURSE YOU, JERRY BEAVER!
The Beast
( A little background: This woman calls us about every other week or so trying to get a hold of a specific lawyer from our client's office. She's more then a tad crazy but I guess they didn't realize it until it was too late. After they dropped her case she began like, stalking this poor lawyer. Now she calls at all hours of the night demanding to speak with him and going into *insane* monologues. Seriously, 15 minutes alone with this woman on the phone line will ruin your life. ;p )
<Beast's name> absolutely despises me now with the fury of a thousand suns. I'm sure she would kill me with her bare hands then add my pants and fingernail clippings to her collection taken from other victims if she could.
Why you ask? Because I didn't have the time to listen to her usual ranting tonight since I was the only op and couldn't afford to tie up my lines. She *really* doesn't like it when you don't submit to her verbal psychosis. She kept calling back over and over because I wouldn't listen to her and trying to rope me into talking to her. When I politely declined again and again she got uppity. I was being "dismissive". Well, yes. Last time I talked to you I believe you eluded to the fact that you WOULD find out who I was and where I lived. Then I assume do horrible things to me....and take my pants.
This time she informed me I HAD to listen to her because SHE was paying for this call from a payphone. Sorry lady, thats not quite how this works. Then, somehow her nephew factored into the conversation, because she has to "take care of him". She has many "people to take care of" according to her. A hit list I guess. When I still wouldn't talk to her she became enraged and demanded "the pyschosexual truth" from me. Yes, the "pyschosexual truth"…..I don't know what that means and I never, ever want to find out.
But like every tale of a mighty beast of legend versus a plucky young hero she accidentally let slip the one clue that would undo her. She told me to stop hanging up on her because she was running out of quarters. Ha ha! The final boss monster was low on hit points. I only needed endure for a few more rounds of combat.
Sure enough after a couple more calls she never called again. The beast was vanquished! I hummed a victory tune to myself, collected 5000 exp and found a Phoenix Down.
I have won the game. I demand applause.
( One of the floor managers emailed me with applause.
)Presence
OC = On Call guy
Me: "Hi, it’s MyCompany here. I just had another message for you."
OC: "Sure."
Me: "The call was from Ikea again, they just wanted to know your ETA."
OC: "ETA? But I'm already here…."
Congratulations, your existence is either so insignificant that not even an entire Ikea store staff notices you or you are a ninja amongst sprinkler technicians.
Impudent Mortal
Another round of "How many times do I have to say no before you accept realty", yay!
No, I do not have any other hotels to offer you. No, I do not have rooms at x hotel, I just told you I ONLY had rooms at HotelName. No, there are no other options unless you include a bench at the airport. Sadly, you are a mere human being and do not have the omnipotent powers of divinity required to bend reality to your selfish whims. So you will sleep at the HotelName or you will sleep on an airport bench.
Make your choice, mortal.
Orderlines
( Regular customers are given a VIP ID that lets us bring all their info up when they call so its more convenient for them. )
Me: "Do you have a VIP ID?"
SC: "No, I wanted to put it on VISA."
You sure? VIP ID has low monthly interest rates and bonus air miles. You could save them up then take a dream vacation: A trip around the world to look for a clue.
No Fault Commentary
ClientName isn't suppose to be on the On Call list. Also, he's absolutely and totally drunk. Piss drunk even. Utterly wasted if you will. You can't fault me for saying that either, because that's what his wife told me when I called.
Pat Sajak is the Devil
SC: "Ok…..how do I structure this message…..give me a minute"
What message was so intricately complex that it required a time out to assemble, you ask?
"I faxed the offer to your office."
Wow, you needed a minute to figure that sentence out? Wheel of Fortune must be like a televised version of Hell for you.
Oh for...
Me: "and your phone number?"
SC: "…..uh…..can I call you back in 2 minutes? I don't know my phone number."
Me: "…sure."
Wait! I have a phone book! Hold my hand and give me your last name, we can make it through this together!
Uncaring
OC = On call tech guy. I was trying to give him a new case file.
Me: "The phone number was 403-"
OC: "I don't care about that part!"
Psst….come closer……..I'll let you in on a little secret…..neither do I! Isn't that amazing?! We like, totally think alike. We SO have to have a sleep over now. We can do each other's nails and talk about boys.
Timezones #3
( Note it was already 9am eastern when she called too. )
Me: "They won't be in till 8am, Pacific"
SC: "8am, is that Eastern?"
Me: "….no, Pacific."
I just can't seem to win when it comes to timezones. Of course it might help if I knew what the Hell game we were playing. Can you at least give me a hint? Does it use dice? Do I need cards?.....wait, did you just sink my Battleship? Goddammit.
Rainbow Beefeater
Oh dear Lord, there was this massive, scary man on my Skytrain....like no neck, beef eating gorilla kind of scary. But he was wrapped in this huge rainbow blanket and perched on a double seat like some kind of terrifying meat owl. ><
He was just glaring at everyone that got on the train. He also smelled of....how do I put this.....pork and failure? After he lumbered off at Broadway ( Where they always get off, or on. ) he left that life crushing aroma behind. For the next three stops people kept getting on, sitting where he use to be and getting this look on their face like someone had just suddenly rammed a small vegetable up their arse. Then they'd get up like they'd been shocked and immediately move to the far side of the train.
Nothing says attractive like "Oh dear Christ, I can actually *taste* your body ordor."
You know, I really think my life would be too boring if I quit this job. Seriously.
That is some funny shit! 
Comment