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Canadaphobia
We live in a world full of special people. That is all I can say.
Unexpected Inquiries
Me: “Good evening, <blatantly a computer company>, how may I help you?”
SC: “Yeah, I’m looking to buy a puppy.”
W…h…g…h…..Sorry, forgive me it took a moment for my brain to actually accept the fact you uttered that statement to me. Now, if I might begin again: What? A puppy? What the heck? I mean that doesn’t….there’s just not…..there are no shreds of sense to be found anywhere within your inquiry. Even if I ignore the fact that my answer phrase clearly indicated that there are no puppies, nor anything puppy related here to be found……why the heck are you calling around randomly at 2 in the morning looking for a puppy? A puppy you think you found on the Internet no less.
Me: “You have the wrong number.”
SC: “But the website said <computer company name> and that I should click here to inquire.”
Wait, so you did read what was on the website before calling our number. Yet you still somehow interpreted that as pet related and called our number to ask if we had puppies? Despite there being absolutely zero indication anywhere that puppies could be obtained by dialing this number? I think you're taking "Inquire" vastly out of context here. It does mean you can ask questions, yes, but within the context of our products and services. Not about just any random thing you want.
I’m actually more terrified at the prospect you think anyone should entrust you with the life of another living creature. In any sane world, I’d be able to just submit this call recording to a court of law and have it result in a court order banning you from owning anything more complicated than house plants of the genus Plastica Walmartis.
We Hates Them, Yesss
While it is not a terribly huge problem that you lack the item ID number for the object of your desire, I must point out I will need more to go on then that they are “Tricksy pants”. As I do not know if that’s actually suppose to be their name, or if that’s a description of them. Something you call them locally because none of you have yet utilized the full potential of opposable thumbs. Resulting in overt difficulty when trying to operate complex machinery such as the buttons and zippers.
Really, there is a completely untapped market for Velcro pants here that we're missing out on. Someone could make a fortune se-…..er……wait. Alright, now that I actually search the website for Velcro, they do indeed have 6 pairs of pants and even 1 pair of shorts that all operate exclusively by Velcro.
Everything suddenly makes a weird sort of sense with this line.
Under Pressure
Me: “And what colour?”
SC: “…….uh……..”
Me: “……..?”
SC: “…………um…..”
Me: “………”
That was really as far as you’d thought this out, wasn’t it? You honestly didn’t expect to make it this far, did you? All of your previous attempts have been so riddled with failure that you never actually expected to succeed this time. Yet somehow, the planets have aligned, granting you this once in a lifetime miracle and here you are. At the crossroads. The single most important decision in your life and you’re choking. Come on, man! You’re letting yourself down! This is your dream we’re talking about here. You have to reach out and grab it!
Pull yourself together! There’s only two colours to choose from. You have a 50/50 shot at this! Don’t give up now! You’re options are black and purple too. You don’t even have to decide what colour you want so much as decide whether you want colour or not.
Impressive
SC: “I received an email from you saying I bought a cruise ship.”
………wow, you must have one hell of a limit on your Visa.
SC: “But I didn’t buy a cruise ship, I only booked a flight!”
Ahh, right. Of course. A common mistake when you book online. See, the icon for flights and the icon for placing a contract order for the construction of a 90,000 ton seafaring vessel are right next to each other on the website. So you really have to be careful when booking for your vacation. Make sure you actually look at the total on the confirmation screen before you submit your credit card information. You’ll know you’ve made a mistake if there’s more than 6 zeros in the cost of your vacation package.
Sadly, I Know It Well
Me: “Good morning, <company>-“
SC: “Hello?”
Me: “Hi.”
SC: “Heeeeeeeeeeyyyyy”
Me: “…..can I help you?”
SC: “………………..”
Ah…wait, I know this particular brand of silence. I encounter it fairly regularly on shift, sadly enough. This is the exact moment a stoner realizes they have absolutely no idea where they are or what they’re doing.
Chain of Command
I know I’ve asked this before, many times. But please please please just put the person whose idea this was to begin with on the phone. It’s bad enough when one of you has to turn and repeat every single one of my questions to someone else in the background in order to obtain an answer. But you formed a two person chain. A chain. You had actually established a lines of communication to the front lines. You were turning and repeating my questions to another person in the background. Who I then heard turn and repeat the question to another person background. Who gave the answer back to first person in the background, who in turn relayed it back to you who then repeated it back to me.
This is far too much effort just to order a pair of pants and a hat.
....I'm Mildly Afraid
Me: "Good mor-"
SC: “I just love to hear your voice!”
…..T…thanks? …Do I know you? I must admit you’re creeping me out a tad. Although you are at least more honest about it then most of my nocturnal admirers.
SC: “Remember? I’m the crazy lady that went all crazy last week!”
……no, no I do not. I must admit your description of events does not actually narrow it down much. Also you are, but your own admission, the "crazy lady". So its possible whatever you recall is actually some sort of torrid fantasy you experienced of your own accord without my participation. Which, in real life, would have been extremely unwilling. Unless....I'm unwilling in your fantasies as well in which case I am hanging up on you. Never call us again.
Colour ID
Me: “Alright, vest you mean?”
SC: “Yes, the blue one in the picture. What colour is that so I can order the right one? Is that Lapis or Pewter?”
…….you…really need my help with this investigation? You’ve clearly already identified the vest as blue and only one of those options technically falls under that chromatic category……That wasn’t enough to figure it out? I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that perhaps you don’t know what lapis or pewter is off hand.
However, if you nudged your eyes slightly to the left of the picture you're staring at, you'd see the Colour Chart. You'll find it quite literally contains a rainbow of hints that could answer this dilemma for you. Even if you were utterly colour blind and viewed the world in a drab spectrum of greys, you could still have answered this question for yourself because Lapis is on the chart under "Blues" and Pewter is on the chart under "Greys".
But hey, what do I know. Obviously it was much easier to place a 2 minute phone call at 4 in the morning than it was to glance slightly to the left.
No...
Me: “Good morning, <company>. How may I help you?”
SC: “What’s the best route to take to Port Canaveral?”
Ok, look, “How may I help you?” isn’t an all encompassing question. It’s only meant within the confines of our products and services. It doesn’t mean “Share with me any and all problems mortal, for I am a bottomless font of wisdom and can answer any inquiry you may ask”. I realize that the glasses do give that impression for some reason. But I assure you it is a false one.
Me: “I’m afraid you have the wrong number.”
SC: “Oh, well do you know where I should call?”
Again with that just….absurdly stupid type of question. No, no I don’t. I have absolutely no possible reason to know where you should call or what the right number is or anything to that effect. Accept you have errored and stop grasping at the faint hope a total stranger hundreds of kilometers away might be able to not only read your mind to discover that which you were trying to dial, but be able to provide the same service.
Oh For-
No, I don’t know who your “paper delivery lady” is in “Annie Lynn County”. Again, the answering phrase for this account is “Good morning, <company>. How may I help you?” not "ZOLAR SPEAKS". I do not possess limitless knowledge nor do I grant wishes. Well, I might grant one or two for Tom Hanks, because he is dreamy. But you, however, are out of luck.
Story Time!
Lost in Canadia
SC: “I uh, need help.”
Me: “What’s the problem?”
SC: “Oh, no no, sorry sorry. Hold on.”
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “Uhh….*(&@$ man. Are you there?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “Hey, I want you to know, hey, I went too, ok. I’m American ok, I need, hey uh, they let me go, but I was like. I was a dumbass and picked up a bottle of liquor.”
No offence, but you sound like you haven’t put it down yet either.
SC: “I don’t even know where I was at. I was in…I was in….uh.....or some place. I don’t know….But no no, it’s not like. I’m sorry. Not sorry but like. I got arrested. You know what I’m saying?”
Me: “What exactly is the problem?”
SC: “What should I do?”
Me: “What exactly is the problem you’re having?”
SC: “Uhhm……..I don’t know….hey! Sorry..sorry. They arrested me and I said…I wanted. You know…I don’t know. What should I do? I need help man! I’m in Canada!”
Yes…..Canada. Truly a savage, terrifying place. It’s alright, I understand your fear. Our barren north lands are not to be trifled with. Even I commute back and forth to work with snow shoes and a 12 gauge just in case. There’s all manner of man eating wildlife, cannibalistic mountain men and merciless bandits to be wary of here in BC. It’s like Mad Max: Beyond Edmonton.
Me: “Are you currently in custody?”
SC: “No, they released me. But still, I don’t know what I need to do. If you can shoot me the right way. Not even like that, it’s just like. I don’t know what I should I do.”
You could start by putting the bottle down.
Me: “If you’re not in custody, there's not much I do for you this late at night as its not an emergency.”
SC: “Well, what should I do? Here…what, here hold on. Here I’ll give you my number…..uh…the RCMP….”
Me: “Are you currently in custody though?”
SC: “No, they didn’t want to hold me. They uh, no. I gotta live in Canada!”
You’d best gear up then. You’ll need snowshoes and some sort of shotgun or rifle just to start with. Plus at least 3 layers of clothing, mountain climbing gear, ice spurs, a mouth guard, goalie pads and a 5 day supply of food with you at all times.
Me: “I can get a lawyer for you if you’re currently in custody, otherwise this can wait till the morning.”
SC: “So like, what way should I go? Not this, not like, it’s not even….uh…”
Me: “This line is only if you’re being held and charged.”
SC: “I was but I just got released, they didn’t want to hold me so. And I again…uh..dude, you know what? I’m scared! I’m in Canada!”
Shhh! Dammit, you fool. Do you know what time of night it is? Quiet down! You’ll attract the ice wolves. Normally, we keep them at away when we travel by building a fire and throwing in a ground mixture of cloves, mountain sage and the plain Tim Bits that everyone always eats last. The scent of it keeps them at bay until the dawn rises. But I doubt you’ve made such preparations. Your only hope is silence.
Me: “This is our emergency line at the moment, if you’re not in custody there’s not much I can do for you as this is emergency only.”
SC: “So uh, hey what should I do?”
Me: “You may call back in the morning when the office is open if you need any advice.”
SC: “They said they think that…uh…the drop…”
Me: “If you’re not currently in custody though, it’s not an emergency”
SC: “Yeah, it’s not. Oh! It was, hey! I appreciate talking to you. So hey, what do you say I do though?”
Me: “As I said, you can give us a call back in the morning when the office is in and they can give you legal advice if you need it.”
SC: “Alright.”
Me: “Alright?”
SC: “Sorry, I don’t want to keep you but, uh, can you give me uh….can you email it to me?”
Me: “Sorry? I can’t email anything to you.”
SC: “I got your number here but can you uh…..what you say I do man? Dude! Hey, you know what I’m *(&@#$ing, <sob> I’m from Georgia! I *(&@#ing hate Canada!”
Awww, that’s sweet. We hate you too, little buddy. Forget what I said about the ice wolves. Feel free to cry as loud as you want. I’m sure they won’t hear you.
Me: “….there’s nothing I can do for you at this hour-”
“I’m emergency! *(&@$! They’re about to, uh, *&@#$! Come on dude! Help me! Dude! Hey, I got kids in Georgia and I’m in in Canada!!!”
I'm beginning to think you're mistaking Canada for Libya.
Me: “This is not an emergency, there is nothing I can do for you. If you like you can call in the morning the office is open for general legal advice.”
SC: “I apologize. Sorry. Hey, come on. Come on man. I appreciate you not hanging up.”
Well, that’s actually a first I must admit. Most callers don’t appreciate the fact I haven’t hung up on them at all.
Me: “H-”
SC: “I appreciate, yeah, it happening, uh. *&$@! Yeah, sorry, uh. I dunno sorry. Thank you for talking to me. What’s my best route?”
Me: “Like I said, you can call during business hours, alright? It’s just that right now this is only the emergency line."
SC: ”…….what should I go…no, uh, actually, legal aid, what should I go with?”
Me: “I’m sorry, but this is not something I can assist you with at this hour.”
SC: “………….Thank you.”
Me: “You’re welcome.”
That was a rather bitter thank you. Perhaps I should offer some advice if you’re that desperate: Stumble back to your hotel room, throw on the Cartoon Network, pass out to an rerun of Scooby Doo and forget all about this until you wake up sober and hung over. Then you can resume panicking again after they remind you by dropping off your court date.
annnnd rest. >.>
Unexpected Inquiries
Me: “Good evening, <blatantly a computer company>, how may I help you?”
SC: “Yeah, I’m looking to buy a puppy.”
W…h…g…h…..Sorry, forgive me it took a moment for my brain to actually accept the fact you uttered that statement to me. Now, if I might begin again: What? A puppy? What the heck? I mean that doesn’t….there’s just not…..there are no shreds of sense to be found anywhere within your inquiry. Even if I ignore the fact that my answer phrase clearly indicated that there are no puppies, nor anything puppy related here to be found……why the heck are you calling around randomly at 2 in the morning looking for a puppy? A puppy you think you found on the Internet no less.
Me: “You have the wrong number.”
SC: “But the website said <computer company name> and that I should click here to inquire.”
Wait, so you did read what was on the website before calling our number. Yet you still somehow interpreted that as pet related and called our number to ask if we had puppies? Despite there being absolutely zero indication anywhere that puppies could be obtained by dialing this number? I think you're taking "Inquire" vastly out of context here. It does mean you can ask questions, yes, but within the context of our products and services. Not about just any random thing you want.
I’m actually more terrified at the prospect you think anyone should entrust you with the life of another living creature. In any sane world, I’d be able to just submit this call recording to a court of law and have it result in a court order banning you from owning anything more complicated than house plants of the genus Plastica Walmartis.
We Hates Them, Yesss
While it is not a terribly huge problem that you lack the item ID number for the object of your desire, I must point out I will need more to go on then that they are “Tricksy pants”. As I do not know if that’s actually suppose to be their name, or if that’s a description of them. Something you call them locally because none of you have yet utilized the full potential of opposable thumbs. Resulting in overt difficulty when trying to operate complex machinery such as the buttons and zippers.
Really, there is a completely untapped market for Velcro pants here that we're missing out on. Someone could make a fortune se-…..er……wait. Alright, now that I actually search the website for Velcro, they do indeed have 6 pairs of pants and even 1 pair of shorts that all operate exclusively by Velcro.
Everything suddenly makes a weird sort of sense with this line.
Under Pressure
Me: “And what colour?”
SC: “…….uh……..”
Me: “……..?”
SC: “…………um…..”
Me: “………”
That was really as far as you’d thought this out, wasn’t it? You honestly didn’t expect to make it this far, did you? All of your previous attempts have been so riddled with failure that you never actually expected to succeed this time. Yet somehow, the planets have aligned, granting you this once in a lifetime miracle and here you are. At the crossroads. The single most important decision in your life and you’re choking. Come on, man! You’re letting yourself down! This is your dream we’re talking about here. You have to reach out and grab it!
Pull yourself together! There’s only two colours to choose from. You have a 50/50 shot at this! Don’t give up now! You’re options are black and purple too. You don’t even have to decide what colour you want so much as decide whether you want colour or not.
Impressive
SC: “I received an email from you saying I bought a cruise ship.”
………wow, you must have one hell of a limit on your Visa.
SC: “But I didn’t buy a cruise ship, I only booked a flight!”
Ahh, right. Of course. A common mistake when you book online. See, the icon for flights and the icon for placing a contract order for the construction of a 90,000 ton seafaring vessel are right next to each other on the website. So you really have to be careful when booking for your vacation. Make sure you actually look at the total on the confirmation screen before you submit your credit card information. You’ll know you’ve made a mistake if there’s more than 6 zeros in the cost of your vacation package.
Sadly, I Know It Well
Me: “Good morning, <company>-“
SC: “Hello?”
Me: “Hi.”
SC: “Heeeeeeeeeeyyyyy”
Me: “…..can I help you?”
SC: “………………..”
Ah…wait, I know this particular brand of silence. I encounter it fairly regularly on shift, sadly enough. This is the exact moment a stoner realizes they have absolutely no idea where they are or what they’re doing.
Chain of Command
I know I’ve asked this before, many times. But please please please just put the person whose idea this was to begin with on the phone. It’s bad enough when one of you has to turn and repeat every single one of my questions to someone else in the background in order to obtain an answer. But you formed a two person chain. A chain. You had actually established a lines of communication to the front lines. You were turning and repeating my questions to another person in the background. Who I then heard turn and repeat the question to another person background. Who gave the answer back to first person in the background, who in turn relayed it back to you who then repeated it back to me.
This is far too much effort just to order a pair of pants and a hat.
....I'm Mildly Afraid
Me: "Good mor-"
SC: “I just love to hear your voice!”
…..T…thanks? …Do I know you? I must admit you’re creeping me out a tad. Although you are at least more honest about it then most of my nocturnal admirers.
SC: “Remember? I’m the crazy lady that went all crazy last week!”
……no, no I do not. I must admit your description of events does not actually narrow it down much. Also you are, but your own admission, the "crazy lady". So its possible whatever you recall is actually some sort of torrid fantasy you experienced of your own accord without my participation. Which, in real life, would have been extremely unwilling. Unless....I'm unwilling in your fantasies as well in which case I am hanging up on you. Never call us again.
Colour ID
Me: “Alright, vest you mean?”
SC: “Yes, the blue one in the picture. What colour is that so I can order the right one? Is that Lapis or Pewter?”
…….you…really need my help with this investigation? You’ve clearly already identified the vest as blue and only one of those options technically falls under that chromatic category……That wasn’t enough to figure it out? I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that perhaps you don’t know what lapis or pewter is off hand.
However, if you nudged your eyes slightly to the left of the picture you're staring at, you'd see the Colour Chart. You'll find it quite literally contains a rainbow of hints that could answer this dilemma for you. Even if you were utterly colour blind and viewed the world in a drab spectrum of greys, you could still have answered this question for yourself because Lapis is on the chart under "Blues" and Pewter is on the chart under "Greys".
But hey, what do I know. Obviously it was much easier to place a 2 minute phone call at 4 in the morning than it was to glance slightly to the left.
No...
Me: “Good morning, <company>. How may I help you?”
SC: “What’s the best route to take to Port Canaveral?”
Ok, look, “How may I help you?” isn’t an all encompassing question. It’s only meant within the confines of our products and services. It doesn’t mean “Share with me any and all problems mortal, for I am a bottomless font of wisdom and can answer any inquiry you may ask”. I realize that the glasses do give that impression for some reason. But I assure you it is a false one.
Me: “I’m afraid you have the wrong number.”
SC: “Oh, well do you know where I should call?”
Again with that just….absurdly stupid type of question. No, no I don’t. I have absolutely no possible reason to know where you should call or what the right number is or anything to that effect. Accept you have errored and stop grasping at the faint hope a total stranger hundreds of kilometers away might be able to not only read your mind to discover that which you were trying to dial, but be able to provide the same service.
Oh For-
No, I don’t know who your “paper delivery lady” is in “Annie Lynn County”. Again, the answering phrase for this account is “Good morning, <company>. How may I help you?” not "ZOLAR SPEAKS". I do not possess limitless knowledge nor do I grant wishes. Well, I might grant one or two for Tom Hanks, because he is dreamy. But you, however, are out of luck.
Story Time!
Lost in Canadia
SC: “I uh, need help.”
Me: “What’s the problem?”
SC: “Oh, no no, sorry sorry. Hold on.”
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “Uhh….*(&@$ man. Are you there?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “Hey, I want you to know, hey, I went too, ok. I’m American ok, I need, hey uh, they let me go, but I was like. I was a dumbass and picked up a bottle of liquor.”
No offence, but you sound like you haven’t put it down yet either.
SC: “I don’t even know where I was at. I was in…I was in….uh.....or some place. I don’t know….But no no, it’s not like. I’m sorry. Not sorry but like. I got arrested. You know what I’m saying?”
Me: “What exactly is the problem?”
SC: “What should I do?”
Me: “What exactly is the problem you’re having?”
SC: “Uhhm……..I don’t know….hey! Sorry..sorry. They arrested me and I said…I wanted. You know…I don’t know. What should I do? I need help man! I’m in Canada!”
Yes…..Canada. Truly a savage, terrifying place. It’s alright, I understand your fear. Our barren north lands are not to be trifled with. Even I commute back and forth to work with snow shoes and a 12 gauge just in case. There’s all manner of man eating wildlife, cannibalistic mountain men and merciless bandits to be wary of here in BC. It’s like Mad Max: Beyond Edmonton.
Me: “Are you currently in custody?”
SC: “No, they released me. But still, I don’t know what I need to do. If you can shoot me the right way. Not even like that, it’s just like. I don’t know what I should I do.”
You could start by putting the bottle down.
Me: “If you’re not in custody, there's not much I do for you this late at night as its not an emergency.”
SC: “Well, what should I do? Here…what, here hold on. Here I’ll give you my number…..uh…the RCMP….”
Me: “Are you currently in custody though?”
SC: “No, they didn’t want to hold me. They uh, no. I gotta live in Canada!”
You’d best gear up then. You’ll need snowshoes and some sort of shotgun or rifle just to start with. Plus at least 3 layers of clothing, mountain climbing gear, ice spurs, a mouth guard, goalie pads and a 5 day supply of food with you at all times.
Me: “I can get a lawyer for you if you’re currently in custody, otherwise this can wait till the morning.”
SC: “So like, what way should I go? Not this, not like, it’s not even….uh…”
Me: “This line is only if you’re being held and charged.”
SC: “I was but I just got released, they didn’t want to hold me so. And I again…uh..dude, you know what? I’m scared! I’m in Canada!”
Shhh! Dammit, you fool. Do you know what time of night it is? Quiet down! You’ll attract the ice wolves. Normally, we keep them at away when we travel by building a fire and throwing in a ground mixture of cloves, mountain sage and the plain Tim Bits that everyone always eats last. The scent of it keeps them at bay until the dawn rises. But I doubt you’ve made such preparations. Your only hope is silence.
Me: “This is our emergency line at the moment, if you’re not in custody there’s not much I can do for you as this is emergency only.”
SC: “So uh, hey what should I do?”
Me: “You may call back in the morning when the office is open if you need any advice.”
SC: “They said they think that…uh…the drop…”
Me: “If you’re not currently in custody though, it’s not an emergency”
SC: “Yeah, it’s not. Oh! It was, hey! I appreciate talking to you. So hey, what do you say I do though?”
Me: “As I said, you can give us a call back in the morning when the office is in and they can give you legal advice if you need it.”
SC: “Alright.”
Me: “Alright?”
SC: “Sorry, I don’t want to keep you but, uh, can you give me uh….can you email it to me?”
Me: “Sorry? I can’t email anything to you.”
SC: “I got your number here but can you uh…..what you say I do man? Dude! Hey, you know what I’m *(&@#$ing, <sob> I’m from Georgia! I *(&@#ing hate Canada!”
Awww, that’s sweet. We hate you too, little buddy. Forget what I said about the ice wolves. Feel free to cry as loud as you want. I’m sure they won’t hear you.
Me: “….there’s nothing I can do for you at this hour-”
“I’m emergency! *(&@$! They’re about to, uh, *&@#$! Come on dude! Help me! Dude! Hey, I got kids in Georgia and I’m in in Canada!!!”
I'm beginning to think you're mistaking Canada for Libya.
Me: “This is not an emergency, there is nothing I can do for you. If you like you can call in the morning the office is open for general legal advice.”
SC: “I apologize. Sorry. Hey, come on. Come on man. I appreciate you not hanging up.”
Well, that’s actually a first I must admit. Most callers don’t appreciate the fact I haven’t hung up on them at all.
Me: “H-”
SC: “I appreciate, yeah, it happening, uh. *&$@! Yeah, sorry, uh. I dunno sorry. Thank you for talking to me. What’s my best route?”
Me: “Like I said, you can call during business hours, alright? It’s just that right now this is only the emergency line."
SC: ”…….what should I go…no, uh, actually, legal aid, what should I go with?”
Me: “I’m sorry, but this is not something I can assist you with at this hour.”
SC: “………….Thank you.”
Me: “You’re welcome.”
That was a rather bitter thank you. Perhaps I should offer some advice if you’re that desperate: Stumble back to your hotel room, throw on the Cartoon Network, pass out to an rerun of Scooby Doo and forget all about this until you wake up sober and hung over. Then you can resume panicking again after they remind you by dropping off your court date.
annnnd rest. >.>
)....has gotta be related to the people next door to me. The little one's screeching could cut glass. Ten miles away. 
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