This past week can do a Michael Jackson...

[Fire_on_High]

my Spotted Dick!

Sheldon dear, if it's spotted, you need to make a doc appointment.

[Jester]

I've never had spotted dick, but I have tasted Big Black Dick. I actually had some Big Black Dick the other guy with someone else at the bar. We were both a bit surprised by how pleasant it was to taste some Big Black Dick.

[Ironclad Alibi]

Honest Customer: I'm an idiot!

So Jester came to visit your store?

Customer: Do you have Scrapple?

I was introduced to scrapple several years ago. A friend hosts an annual scrapple breakfast to celebrate his birthday. At one of them we formed our model railroad club, and the event is now our annual meeting.

To truly appreciate scrapple, try having it with Vegemite or Marmite.

[magician5]

Think of scrapple as peppery sausage extended with cornmeal. Mmmmm!

[Jester]

So Jester came to visit your store?

Hey, I'm not the only person that is honest about their stupidity.

I'm just one of the funnier ones.

[Amethyst Hunter]

And here I thought you were going to say "...and die pathetic and lonely due to paranoia and the tendency to touch young boys inappropriately."

Well, the 'die' part is appropriate enough...

In other words, it ain't just the customers that are stupid. These machines are DUMB.

To clarify, it's whoever programs these damned things that's dumber than dirt. It IS a fracking pain to listen to these things flip their shit every two seconds over moving bags/don't move bags, and so on! Hell, even if you just accidentally bump the fucking sidebar of the bagging area table, it makes the machine wank off.

The worst part is that, using the key that operates them, there IS a way to fix them so that they STFU and don't piss n' moan every time you move a bag too soon or whatnot. Unfortunately, management does NOT like you to do this, citing "security issues" as their reason (i.e., crapstomers pretending to scan things when they aren't. Nevermind that there are literally dozens of security cameras all over the place and there are two big security TV monitors RIGHT THERE in front of the machines on which you can clearly see yourself in full living color... Not that that would stop the most intent of idiotic thieves, but still).

So I get to listen to the self-checkouts wigging out all. day. long. THESE ARE NOT THE VOICES THAT I WANT IN MY HEAD.

This line is AWESOME, and one I plan to use. Especially since I am a bartender AND the King of the Smartasses!

I...I...impressed Jester? THE Jester? I...AM...GOD!!!!!!

I can't tell you how many times I have said, "Pardon me, but I'm an idiot...." and gotten amazing help because of it.

Usually the ones that say this or some variant of it are the most decent of customers. At the very least, they're the least likely to give out any flak...!

To be polite, it's the leftovers from the pig, ground up. Usually fried. Texturally, it is similar to a hash brown cake, only meatier. Tastewise, it ain't bad. Apparently a big thing in Philly, based on all my coworkers from the area who love it and/or are familiar with it.

It can stay in Philly. I still ain't touching that with a thousand-foot pole. D: I like pork all right, but only in chop or roast form.

Head cheese is one thing I have not had yet, but since I would try anything, I am certainly open to it...Head cheese is brain, as I recall, and scrapple is all kinds of pig parts, though I admit brain may well be part of it.

Ever see Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? The dining room scene with the boy king and a certain flavor of dessert I'm pretty sure was never in Ben and Jerry's menu?

...yeah.

Scrapple/head cheese = DO NOT WANT!!

So Jester came to visit your store?

As about 98% of my customers are purchasing alcohol, this is possible even when weeding out half of those customers (the ones who are female...although just for shits n' giggles I suppose, if he were in a twisted mood to do so, Jester could appear in drag...!). Also, since we are both based in Florida (him in the Keys, me in the SW area) this is entirely feasible.

So, going by that, almost EVERY one of my customers could have been a potential Jester!

[Amethyst Hunter]

Addendum

I should also add that apparently our self checkouts = gateway to Hell. Observe yesterday's insanity:

From Zero To Nutballs Crazy in .02


So this older gent (probably 60s - 70s, is my guess) comes in. Decent enough customer, does his thing, gets his groceries, chats at me a bit. But then, oh then, out of the clear batshit blue, still all nice and friendly the whole time, he broadsides me with this:

Customer That Makes You Want To Smile Wordlessly And Back Away Slowly From: Did you know that the next step from these things (the self checkouts) is going to be the implants?

Me: ..bwuh? (Danger, Will Robinson)

CTMYWTSWABASF: The chips. In our heads. And hands. *gestures at checkouts*

Me: *still smiling but hearing the klaxons starting to rev up in my head now* Um, okaaaaay...

CTMYWTSWABASF: It's the mark of the beast. They're coming for us. Soon. But they ain't getting me. *nods* They'll have to kill me first. You know what the mark is, right? Ain't nobody going to be able to buy stuff without it. I won't take the mark. Not taking it. You ready?

Me: ...have a nice day, sir.



Did I mention that Florida is full of Teh Crazy - and NOT the good kind of crazy?

[Jester]

I...I...impressed Jester? THE Jester? I...AM...GOD!!!!!!

I'm not Simon Cowell. Good things impress me. It happens. This wasn't the first time, it won't be the last.

Also, I am not Donald Trump, or any other pretentious ass who used "The" in front of their name. I am not The Donald, I am not The Situation, and I am certainly NOT The Jester. The only time I EVER use "the" to describe me is in reference to my bar, where I really am "the rum guy."

"The Jester." As fucking if.

Jester could appear in drag...!

No. No I couldn't. Or more accurately, no I wouldn't. While I have no issue with anyone doing so, it is not for me. Closest I have EVER come to this is my yearly Court Jester costume during Fantasy Fest, for which I do indeed don colorful tights.

Also, since we are both based in Florida (him in the Keys, me in the SW area) this is entirely feasible.

And since I like SW FL, and go to FMB whenever I can, this is very possible...though if I remember correctly, that is not quite your locale.

So, going by that, almost EVERY one of my customers could have been a potential Jester!

Not true. Most of them are not nearly as funny as I am.

[QUOTE=Amethyst Hunter;870226]"Did you know that the next step from these things (the self checkouts) is going to be the implants?"

Hate to tell you this, but the technology for such a system is not that far away, and may actually be possible now. And there are many people who would go for it. I doubt we as a society are ready for it to be mandatory, but voluntarily, it's not that different from having that Sun Pass on my truck's windshield for the Florida Turnpike and other toll roads.

[QUOTE=Amethyst Hunter;870216]

It's the mark of the beast. They're coming for us. Soon.

However, this guy is clearly completely nuts. Not to mention paranoid. Not, mind you, that I would put it past some of our fearless leaders to try to implement such a thing. But I don't believe they would succeed in making it mandatory (though I've been wrong before, and the stupidity of society continues to amaze even my jaded self), and that mark of the beast stuff is just moronic.

Did I mention that Florida is full of Teh Crazy - and NOT the good kind of crazy?

Florida used to rival California for Capital of the Weird. I think that it's passed Cali for the title, though. Florida is NUTS. And not just the good kind of nuts you'll find in Key West and such, but just plain batshit "what the fuck is going on around here?" crazy!

[dalesys]

Florida used to rival California for Capital of the Weird. I think that it's passed Cali for the title, though. Florida is NUTS. And not just the good kind of nuts you'll find in Key West and such, but just plain batshit "what the fuck is going on around here?" crazy!

Well, Califruitia collects all the nations young ones that are whacko from the get go.

Florida gets the Eastern drainage of old Coots and their Cootessesses, with the added bonus that half of them are senile plus plus NUTZ.

(Arizona gets the Western drainage)

[Mytical]

Offtopic a little .. sorry. Jester, you do know that 'the mark' is supposed to mean nothing if forced to accept, it's only when willingly accepted that is bad?

More random trivia knowledge by Mytical, when it absolutely has to be random, trust the Mytical brand.

Edit : Note. The person is off their rocker though, I think it would be a bit TOO obvious if they come out with something that has to be put in the hand or the head only. I'll not say if or not I believe in 'Armageddon' either.

[mharbourgirl]

Nova Scotia takes Scrapple and goes one better, I've learned.

Cod cheeks, salt pork scraps and onions. Fried up in lard, with sauerkraut on the side. Yeah, you think about that one for a minute. I'm trying really hard to forget the smell, not to mention the aftermath.

I shouldn't talk, I like natto, but at least natto is good for you even if it really weirds people out when I eat it in front of them around here.

There's still no excuse for naming dessert 'Blueberry Grunt'.

[Jester]

Florida gets the Eastern drainage of old Coots and their Cootessesses, with the added bonus that half of them are senile plus plus NUTZ.

See, it's not just old people. Frankly, there is a lot of insanity, nuttiness, and just downright mindboggling weirdness that goes on in Florida, much of it homegrown, much of it imported, but most of it is not the old farts. (The geezers are just the side show, really.)

Offtopic a little .. sorry. Jester, you do know that 'the mark' is supposed to mean nothing if forced to accept, it's only when willingly accepted that is bad?

Not only didn't I know that, I'm not exactly sure what you mean by it. And to be honest, my biblical knowledge is not exactly overflowing these days.

Nova Scotia takes Scrapple and goes one better, I've learned.

Cod cheeks, salt pork scraps and onions. Fried up in lard, with sauerkraut on the side. Yeah, you think about that one for a minute.

I am, and I have but one thing to say: I'd actually like to try that!

There's still no excuse for naming dessert 'Blueberry Grunt'.

I think it's an interesting name, and makes me wonder what it is.

If you haven't figured it out or heard me say it by now, I'll try anything, and eat a lot of things that most people might find odd.

[mharbourgirl]

I think it's an interesting name, and makes me wonder what it is.

If you haven't figured it out or heard me say it by now, I'll try anything, and eat a lot of things that most people might find odd.

Think cobbler, only instead of baking it you simmer it on the stove with a lid on and steam the dough like dumplings. It's pretty good with ice cream, it's just a really peculiar name.

[Jester]

The name was more peculiar to me simply because "grunt" is the name of a fish down here in the Keys. Generally not the best fish, generally not on menus, and generally the kind that you throw back. Basically, oversized bait.

[mharbourgirl]

The name was more peculiar to me simply because "grunt" is the name of a fish down here in the Keys. Generally not the best fish, generally not on menus, and generally the kind that you throw back. Basically, oversized bait.

Now I'm imagining blueberries and fish cooked together and getting queasy. Thanks SO much, Jester.