A How To on Deli Ordering

[blondemarmot]

Lessons in Ordering Lunch Meat

Lesson 1: How to Approach
Before you step up to the counter, stand back a few feet. Peruse our selection of fine meats and cheeses and not-really-meats. Think about the purpose your choice is going towards; is it for sandwiches? Wrapping around other meats? A platter of tidbits at a party? When decisions have been reached, step up to the counter and wait in line.

Good example: Stand 10 feet away. *Think quietly* Get in back of line.
Bad example: Stand 10 feet away. Shout, "FOOD! ME, FOOD, NOW!" Trample other customers in your way as you charge the pretty, shiny counter. Watch your hungry ass get sent to the back of the line. Multiple times.

Lesson 2: Ordering
When you approach my counter please be aware of what exact animal carcass you would like and, perhaps, be generally aware of the flavor you want said carcass in. If you are unsure of what "mesquite flavor" is, feel free to ask for a sample, I will be more than happy to provide one for your uneducated palate.
Now there can be up to 5 different brands for the same flavor of meat, all with vastly different ideas of what "Black Forest" should taste like, so choose according to budget and taste. If you have questions on brands, ask me. I know all.

Good example:
Hi, I was looking at your smoked hams and was wondering at the difference between them?
Would you like a pit ham, a just smoked ham or a flavored ham with smoking?
Ooh, a flavored ham with smoking?
Well, we have brand X which is just a generic smoked honey ham ooor we have an applewood smoked honey ham in brand Y.
Could I try the applewood?
Certainly!
Bad example:
Gimmee turkey!
Which turkey would you like?
What do you have?
Followed by your brain melting as I list off the 26 different flavors and brands in less than 30 seconds.

Lesson 3: Finishing your order
Say that's it. Get your shit and leave.

Good example: Thank you, that's all. Grab bag(s). Leave.
Bad example: Stand there. Stare at mysterious package you can't remember ordering. Stare at clerk. Turn around talk to the 20 people you brought with you who have been blocking my entire counter for the past 30 minutes for another 30.

Extra credit:
Not screaming "HEY! SOMEONE HELP ME!" the second you get to the counter.
Not staring at me affronted after you walk up to the counter not knowing what you want and I tell you I'll give you a few minutes to decide and after the past 15 minutes and 2 ignored queries of readiness I ignore you and any attempts to get my attention.

[dalesys]

Danger signal:

When blondemarmot asks: "And how would you like to be sliced?"

[BamaBabe]

Danger signal:

When blondemarmot asks: "And how would you like to be sliced?"

Bwahahaha!

[dawnfire]

and please don't ask for 2kg of ham when there is a crowd and one half trained server.

[Barefootgirl]

So what *is* mesquite flavour? I don't think we have it here. I do wish we had more proper delis around though.

[XCashier]

So what *is* mesquite flavour? I don't think we have it here. I do wish we had more proper delis around though.

Mesquite is a type of tree that grows in the American Southwest. Food cooked over the wood gets a rather unique and tasty seasoning that's difficult to describe. I find it works best with chicken.

[blondemarmot]

You'll find mesquite most often in bbq sauces, but it also comes in the wood chips for home smoking. My husband has informed me as a "real Texan" that noone up here knows what real mesquite tastes like and that it's all shit.

He got informed that as a "real Texan" he prefered margarine over real butter, so his taste opinion is shit.

[Sparky]

Lesson 4: Taking Turns

When prepared to order half a dozen different meats and cheeses, all of which will need to be sliced, notice person standing next to you wearing store uniform. Ask "Is she on a break?" When receiving affirmative response say "Oh, take her first."

Receive thanks from employee on break and from deli employee. Receive thanks again when you go through break-employee's lane a week later. Receive warm and fuzzy glow you will remember 10 years later.

Golly.

[Kogarashi]

You'll find mesquite most often in bbq sauces, but it also comes in the wood chips for home smoking. My husband has informed me as a "real Texan" that noone up here knows what real mesquite tastes like and that it's all shit.

He got informed that as a "real Texan" he prefered margarine over real butter, so his taste opinion is shit.

::giggle:: Sounds like conversations I have with my Texan hubby (staunch New Yorker here). We like to crack jokes at each other all the time about stuff like this.

[Seraph]

Danger signal:

When blondemarmot asks: "And how would you like to be sliced?"

I just about choked on my drink when I read that

[thansal]

You'll find mesquite most often in bbq sauces, but it also comes in the wood chips for home smoking. My husband has informed me as a "real Texan" that noone up here knows what real mesquite tastes like and that it's all shit.

He got informed that as a "real Texan" he prefered margarine over real butter, so his taste opinion is shit.

buahaha

I love you for that one

That said, he is probably right about Mesquite. To me it just means liquid smoke has been applied to the product, often with some sugar. I have never had anything labeled as Mesquite taste any different from generic smoke.

[Jester]

He got informed that as a "real Texan" he prefered margarine over real butter, so his taste opinion is shit.

I have a lot of fun with Texans. Any time I card someone at the bar and I see they're from Texas, or they simply tell me that's where they're from, I just can't resist, especially since this is takes place in Florida.

JESTER: "Oh, cool. An Easterner."
TEXAN: "Easterner?"
JESTER: "Yeah, Easterner. Texas. East."
TEXAN: "What are you talking about? I'm a Westerner (or Southerner, depending on how they define themselves). I'm not a damn Yankee, I'm from Dallas/Houston/San Antonio/El Paso/wherever!"
JESTER: "And I'm from Arizona. Where I'm from, Texans are Easterners!"

Even the most arrogant asshole from Amarillo has trouble arguing with that simple logic!

I also sometimes will point out that virtually all of those old Western films that were set in Texas....were filmed in Old Tucson Studios. Tucson, of course, is in Arizona.

For those not too familiar with the geography of the region, suffice it to say that the westernmost point of Texas is about 400 miles east of Arizona's eastern border.

Yeah, I'm an asshole. But in this case, I happen to be an asshole who's right.

[Midnight12]

added note for the "ex deli employees"
Or those that claim they used to work in deli in (store) and know how the meat slicer works etc etc. this is from memory and not as accurate from a year and a half ago
Cut it at (random example) 2 setting.
Me: uhm i have numbers one through 40 not setting one, two and so on so i will go with 20 (or rather the thinnest slicing i can get without it being meat confetti everywhere)
ExDeliWorker: oh well (store's) machine had those kinds of settings.
Me: ok cool, well i guess when this store was built they bought a different make. I am not sure still learning. (said in a tone implied as i really didn't know beyond cut the meats clean the slicer)
EDW: well the owner should buy the machine (store) uses to make it easier for us!
Me (inwardly rolls eyes and smiles) sure i'll pass that on to mr (store owner name)

yeah great that you know how to work the machine you're familiar with but not everyone uses the same brand and has the same settings. But at least they weren't horribly sucky about it just enthusiastic

[Kogarashi]

I also sometimes will point out that virtually all of those old Western films that were set in Texas....were filmed in Old Tucson Studios. Tucson, of course, is in Arizona.

This sort of thing had Hubby and I boggling at a movie we watched recently on cable at my parents' house. It was an old John Wayne one, and part of the movie was set in "east" Texas. Hubby is from east Texas, and we were both scratching our heads at the veritable desert on the screen. We'd actually been through the areas they were talking about, and there was no way it was rugged desert in that part of the state. Classic example of Hollywood geography, I guess.

[MoonCat]

Yeah, I'm an asshole. But in this case, I happen to be an asshole who's right

Well, that makes all the difference in the world!