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Well, it's that time again, so pull up a seat and let auntie Kara tell you a story or two.
And yes, if you love Firefly, you know what the answer to the question is
But What Does it Taste Like?
I opened a door for an inmate and had his intercom on as he walked into his cell. No real reason for doing so, but it did allow me to hear:
IM: WHOO!! Smells like chicken in here! COCK-A-FUCKIN-DOODLE-DOO!
As curious as I was about this, I didn't ask. Some questions are best left unanswered.
BEEFCAKE!
IM1: I'm trying to get a six pack.
IM2: Oh yeah? Why don't you come lift with us in the gym?
IM1: Shit, I ain't tryin to work out. I'm just gonna not eat.
Hey, uh, Mr Universe? That's not a six pack. I'm hardly an expert on pumping up, but I'm fairly certain that's your ribcage.
You Ain't Runnin But Two Things...
ME: Who let you out?
IM: The dude in control. So I can get some toilet paper.
ME: *Gives CW in the control room a 'WTF Seriously?" look*
IM: I want you to understand something. You, (CW), (Other CW), (SGT), ain't none of you tell me when I can come out. I decide when I come out. You best remember that.
ME: Okay.
He left to go back to his cell, and I went into control and shut his door behind him, then flicked on the intercom.
ME: Hey.
IM: What?
ME: You have one hour and 10 minutes until Yard opens. I'm guessing you'd like to go out and play this evening. And I'm sure your celly wants to go out. So I'd say you have about an hour from right now to think about who runs this house and maybe, if I like what you have to say, maybe you'll get to get out of that cell tonight.
IM: What? I ain't-
ME: *click*
One hour later, I return to Control to help CW start getting ready to lock everyone down before Yard. Sure enough, the inmate rings in.
ME: Yes?
IM: .....You in charge.
ME: What?
IM: You in charge, Kara.
ME: I'm in charge of what?
IM: You run the house.
ME: And what about (CW's)?
IM: They do too.
ME: And what do you run?
IM: I run this cell.
ME: No, you don't.
IM: I can run this cell!
ME: Okay, fine. YOU open your door.
IM: ...............You run this cell.
ME: And what do you run?
IM: Nothin'.
ME: I see we have an understanding.
I would go on to mention that I went back on the floor to mark the roster for everyone who went out, and made him loudly announce to the cellhouse who was in charge before I let him leave....... but that would be unethical. That would never happen.
Round 2: FAIL!
The same inmate above rang in when I was in control near the end of shift.
ME: Yeah?
IM: Listen, you best not come to work tomorrow. Or you're going to regret it.
ME: Oh yeah? And why would I regret it?
IM: You won't find out, cause you won't be here.
ME: Really?
IM: Bet.
ME: You know what's going to happen when I come in tomorrow?
IM: You-
ME: Here's what's going to happen tomorrow. You're going to come up to me and open your mouth and I'm going to tell you to shut the fuck up and go to your cell. And then you know what's going to happen? You're going to go back to your cell and cry about it.
IM: .... Yeah, you're right.
Wow, for a second there you almost sounded tough. If I didn't know you at all, well, no, I still wouldn't have been intimidated. But thanks for the setup, my SGT nearly fell on the floor laughing.
Oh Noez!
I was working across the way, in the other General Population cellhouse, not the one I normally work in. I still run things my way, which often has entertaining results.
ME *over the cellhouse-wide intercom*: Dayroom will be closing in 5 minutes. You have 5 minutes to lock down. I WILL NOT call Gym and Yard until everyone is locked down.
NOTE - Thanks to poor scheduling when they rewrote the rules, Dayroom ends at the same time Gym and Yard opens. This is a huge pain to deal with.
IM (via-in cell intercom): You can't do that.
ME: Excuse me?
IM: You can't take time off our Rec time.
ME: That's up to how fast everyone out there locks down.
IM: I talked to the Captain's Office and the Deputy Wardens and they said you can't take time off our Rec time. So you better-
ME: Okay, hold on. You talked to the Deputy Warden.
IM: Yes I did.
ME: And they said I can't take your Rec time.
IM: That's right!
ME: Which one?
IM: What?
ME: Which Deputy Warden did you talk to? There are three of them.
IM: Well.... I..... I.... I DON'T KNOW!!!
ME: I see. So you somehow managed to get an appointment with a Deputy Warden to talk about this, on a WEEKEND, and you didn't even bother to find out who you were talking to?
IM: ........
Oh, I'm sorry. Time's up. Thanks for playing. Buh bye now.
But wait, there's more! After this guy went to Yard, his cellmate rang in.
ME: Yes?
IM: Is this the officer who checked (other IM)?
ME: Yes, that would be me.
IM: Hey, he does that shit all the time. 'I talked to so-and-so, I talked to the Captains.' But he's full of it.
ME: Most of them are.
IM: But when you shut him down.... I was laughing my ass off. That was great.
ME: Well, it's what I do.
By Your Powers Combined....
ME: Open Cell 219 so one half of the Chomo Twins can go in.
CW *opens door*: The Chomo Twins?
ME: Well, him and his celly are both Chomos.
CW: So. like, what, if they put their rings together they become a super hero?
ME: No, they'd need to get all 5 of them for that.
Fun Fact: "Chomo" is prison slang for "Child Molester." The inmates most hated by everyone, even other inmates.
TP For Your Bunghole
ME (Stuck in Control again):
IM: Rings in on intercom.
ME: Yeah?
IM: Let me out.
ME: Why?
IM: I need TP.
ME: It's not your Dayroom right now.
IM: I know. But I need some.
ME: Well, your Dayroom is in an hour, you can get it then.
IM: But I need to shit now.
ME: Why didn't you get any earlier when you came back from Chow and were screwing off for 15 minutes before locking down?
IM: I didn't have my empty roll to turn in.
ME: You could have gone to get it. Your door was open the whole time. Why didn't you go up there and get it?
IM: Um.... because I'm a dumbass?
ME: How is that my problem?
IM: It's not.
ME: Great. See you in an hour. *click*
Even when I'm grumpy about being in Control (the constant ringing from the intercoms drives you crazy very quickly, and it goes on ALL DAY), I still manage to be able to pull together long enough to gracefully dust them.
Stinky Britches
IM: *rings into Control*
ME: Yeah?
IM: Yeah, would you open my door so I can shower?
ME: You just had Dayroom. You had time to shower.
IM: But I forgot.
ME: You had an hour and a half. You'll have to wait for tomorrow morning.
IM: Alright, look, I didn't want to say this because it's embarrassing but I see you're gonna force me to do it. I kind of had an accident and I would appreciate it if you'd let me get myself cleaned up.
ME: Really. You had an accident. And now you need a shower.
IM: Yes.
ME: Really. Hold on. *calls SGT on the floor.*
SGT: Yeah?
ME: Hey, dude in 309 says he needs a shower.
SGT: Didn't they just have Dayroom?
ME: Yes, but he says he had an accident. A convenient one.
SGT: What, he shit himself?
ME: Allegedly.
SGT: I'm going over there.
ME: *turns on intercom so I can hear*
SGT: What's going on?
IM: Hey, look Ms (SGT), I'm already explained to your officer. I just need a shower.
SGT: Why do you need a shower?
IM: Okay, look, I'm an adult. I'm a grown-ass man. I'm sure she already told you, this is embarrassing enough already.
SGT: I want you to say it.
IM: Are you serious?
SGT: Yes.
IM: I had an accident. Okay? I'm a grown-ass man, this is really embarrassing. Now can I take a shower?
SGT: Let me see.
IM: What?
SGT: I want to see.
IM: You want to see my shitty drawers?
SGT: Yes. If you had an accident, then you need to show me before I let you shower.
IM: Well, look, this is embarrassing-
SGT: Show me. Or no shower.
IM: Well, I can't.
SGT: Why not?
IM: Because I washed them out already.
SGT: Show me.
IM: *holds up boxers*
SGT: Those are white. And I mean, white, white. You mean to tell me you got them that clean with now soap in your sink?
IM: Yes I did.
SGT: No. I don't think so.
IM: You mean I can't shower?
SGT: That is exactly what I mean.
IM: But-
SGT: *walks away, comes to control*
ME: *Giggling madly*
SGT: Can you believe that? Were you listening? Those boxers were REALLY clean.
ME: Just so you know, your husband is a great guy and all, but if things don't work out I WILL be single soon.
They will literally say (and sometimes do) anything to get out when they aren't supposed to. Sadly, some people take their word for it. Luckily, there are those of us who don't fall for it.
And yes, if you love Firefly, you know what the answer to the question is
But What Does it Taste Like?
I opened a door for an inmate and had his intercom on as he walked into his cell. No real reason for doing so, but it did allow me to hear:
IM: WHOO!! Smells like chicken in here! COCK-A-FUCKIN-DOODLE-DOO!
As curious as I was about this, I didn't ask. Some questions are best left unanswered.
BEEFCAKE!
IM1: I'm trying to get a six pack.
IM2: Oh yeah? Why don't you come lift with us in the gym?
IM1: Shit, I ain't tryin to work out. I'm just gonna not eat.
Hey, uh, Mr Universe? That's not a six pack. I'm hardly an expert on pumping up, but I'm fairly certain that's your ribcage.
You Ain't Runnin But Two Things...
ME: Who let you out?
IM: The dude in control. So I can get some toilet paper.
ME: *Gives CW in the control room a 'WTF Seriously?" look*
IM: I want you to understand something. You, (CW), (Other CW), (SGT), ain't none of you tell me when I can come out. I decide when I come out. You best remember that.
ME: Okay.
He left to go back to his cell, and I went into control and shut his door behind him, then flicked on the intercom.
ME: Hey.
IM: What?
ME: You have one hour and 10 minutes until Yard opens. I'm guessing you'd like to go out and play this evening. And I'm sure your celly wants to go out. So I'd say you have about an hour from right now to think about who runs this house and maybe, if I like what you have to say, maybe you'll get to get out of that cell tonight.
IM: What? I ain't-
ME: *click*
One hour later, I return to Control to help CW start getting ready to lock everyone down before Yard. Sure enough, the inmate rings in.
ME: Yes?
IM: .....You in charge.
ME: What?
IM: You in charge, Kara.
ME: I'm in charge of what?
IM: You run the house.
ME: And what about (CW's)?
IM: They do too.
ME: And what do you run?
IM: I run this cell.
ME: No, you don't.
IM: I can run this cell!
ME: Okay, fine. YOU open your door.
IM: ...............You run this cell.
ME: And what do you run?
IM: Nothin'.
ME: I see we have an understanding.
I would go on to mention that I went back on the floor to mark the roster for everyone who went out, and made him loudly announce to the cellhouse who was in charge before I let him leave....... but that would be unethical. That would never happen.
Round 2: FAIL!
The same inmate above rang in when I was in control near the end of shift.
ME: Yeah?
IM: Listen, you best not come to work tomorrow. Or you're going to regret it.
ME: Oh yeah? And why would I regret it?
IM: You won't find out, cause you won't be here.
ME: Really?
IM: Bet.
ME: You know what's going to happen when I come in tomorrow?
IM: You-
ME: Here's what's going to happen tomorrow. You're going to come up to me and open your mouth and I'm going to tell you to shut the fuck up and go to your cell. And then you know what's going to happen? You're going to go back to your cell and cry about it.
IM: .... Yeah, you're right.
Wow, for a second there you almost sounded tough. If I didn't know you at all, well, no, I still wouldn't have been intimidated. But thanks for the setup, my SGT nearly fell on the floor laughing.
Oh Noez!
I was working across the way, in the other General Population cellhouse, not the one I normally work in. I still run things my way, which often has entertaining results.
ME *over the cellhouse-wide intercom*: Dayroom will be closing in 5 minutes. You have 5 minutes to lock down. I WILL NOT call Gym and Yard until everyone is locked down.
NOTE - Thanks to poor scheduling when they rewrote the rules, Dayroom ends at the same time Gym and Yard opens. This is a huge pain to deal with.
IM (via-in cell intercom): You can't do that.
ME: Excuse me?
IM: You can't take time off our Rec time.
ME: That's up to how fast everyone out there locks down.
IM: I talked to the Captain's Office and the Deputy Wardens and they said you can't take time off our Rec time. So you better-
ME: Okay, hold on. You talked to the Deputy Warden.
IM: Yes I did.
ME: And they said I can't take your Rec time.
IM: That's right!
ME: Which one?
IM: What?
ME: Which Deputy Warden did you talk to? There are three of them.
IM: Well.... I..... I.... I DON'T KNOW!!!
ME: I see. So you somehow managed to get an appointment with a Deputy Warden to talk about this, on a WEEKEND, and you didn't even bother to find out who you were talking to?
IM: ........
Oh, I'm sorry. Time's up. Thanks for playing. Buh bye now.
But wait, there's more! After this guy went to Yard, his cellmate rang in.
ME: Yes?
IM: Is this the officer who checked (other IM)?
ME: Yes, that would be me.
IM: Hey, he does that shit all the time. 'I talked to so-and-so, I talked to the Captains.' But he's full of it.
ME: Most of them are.
IM: But when you shut him down.... I was laughing my ass off. That was great.
ME: Well, it's what I do.
By Your Powers Combined....
ME: Open Cell 219 so one half of the Chomo Twins can go in.
CW *opens door*: The Chomo Twins?
ME: Well, him and his celly are both Chomos.
CW: So. like, what, if they put their rings together they become a super hero?
ME: No, they'd need to get all 5 of them for that.
Fun Fact: "Chomo" is prison slang for "Child Molester." The inmates most hated by everyone, even other inmates.
TP For Your Bunghole
ME (Stuck in Control again):
IM: Rings in on intercom.
ME: Yeah?
IM: Let me out.
ME: Why?
IM: I need TP.
ME: It's not your Dayroom right now.
IM: I know. But I need some.
ME: Well, your Dayroom is in an hour, you can get it then.
IM: But I need to shit now.
ME: Why didn't you get any earlier when you came back from Chow and were screwing off for 15 minutes before locking down?
IM: I didn't have my empty roll to turn in.
ME: You could have gone to get it. Your door was open the whole time. Why didn't you go up there and get it?
IM: Um.... because I'm a dumbass?
ME: How is that my problem?
IM: It's not.
ME: Great. See you in an hour. *click*
Even when I'm grumpy about being in Control (the constant ringing from the intercoms drives you crazy very quickly, and it goes on ALL DAY), I still manage to be able to pull together long enough to gracefully dust them.
Stinky Britches
IM: *rings into Control*
ME: Yeah?
IM: Yeah, would you open my door so I can shower?
ME: You just had Dayroom. You had time to shower.
IM: But I forgot.
ME: You had an hour and a half. You'll have to wait for tomorrow morning.
IM: Alright, look, I didn't want to say this because it's embarrassing but I see you're gonna force me to do it. I kind of had an accident and I would appreciate it if you'd let me get myself cleaned up.
ME: Really. You had an accident. And now you need a shower.
IM: Yes.
ME: Really. Hold on. *calls SGT on the floor.*
SGT: Yeah?
ME: Hey, dude in 309 says he needs a shower.
SGT: Didn't they just have Dayroom?
ME: Yes, but he says he had an accident. A convenient one.
SGT: What, he shit himself?
ME: Allegedly.
SGT: I'm going over there.
ME: *turns on intercom so I can hear*
SGT: What's going on?
IM: Hey, look Ms (SGT), I'm already explained to your officer. I just need a shower.
SGT: Why do you need a shower?
IM: Okay, look, I'm an adult. I'm a grown-ass man. I'm sure she already told you, this is embarrassing enough already.
SGT: I want you to say it.
IM: Are you serious?
SGT: Yes.
IM: I had an accident. Okay? I'm a grown-ass man, this is really embarrassing. Now can I take a shower?
SGT: Let me see.
IM: What?
SGT: I want to see.
IM: You want to see my shitty drawers?
SGT: Yes. If you had an accident, then you need to show me before I let you shower.
IM: Well, look, this is embarrassing-
SGT: Show me. Or no shower.
IM: Well, I can't.
SGT: Why not?
IM: Because I washed them out already.
SGT: Show me.
IM: *holds up boxers*
SGT: Those are white. And I mean, white, white. You mean to tell me you got them that clean with now soap in your sink?
IM: Yes I did.
SGT: No. I don't think so.
IM: You mean I can't shower?
SGT: That is exactly what I mean.
IM: But-
SGT: *walks away, comes to control*
ME: *Giggling madly*
SGT: Can you believe that? Were you listening? Those boxers were REALLY clean.
ME: Just so you know, your husband is a great guy and all, but if things don't work out I WILL be single soon.
They will literally say (and sometimes do) anything to get out when they aren't supposed to. Sadly, some people take their word for it. Luckily, there are those of us who don't fall for it.
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