Directory snippets, with swearing

[Cerys]

Just a few to start with - it's been fifteen years or so, and these are the only ones I've got written down. Generally a mix of SC (Sucky Caller) and SO (Smartarse Operator). In my defence, I worked a lot of nights. They mostly come at night. Mostly.

SC: Pardon?
SO: Which name, please?
SC: I'll spell it for you. No, actually I can't. It's Welsh.
SO: Could you say it then, please?
SC: Um – no.
SO: Well … there's not much I can do without the information, I'm afraid.
SC: Not much bloody good, then, are you?

*

SC: Can I have the number for the British Embassy?
SO: You need International – it's -
SC: No, it's in London.
SO: I'm afraid there is no British Embassy in the UK. I can give you the number for the Home Office?
SC: Oh. Would the police have the British Embassy?
SO: No, I'm –
SC: I'll call them, then.

*

SO: Hello?
SC: Oh, shitfuck.

*

SC: What, my name?
SO: The name of the people you want to contact.
SC: Don't know.
SO: I have to have the name to search, I'm sorry.
SC: I've got the address.
SO: No, I'm sorry, I have to have the name.
SC: But he's my best mate!

*

SC: Which name please? Which name please? Which name please?
SO: Oh, hilarious.

*

SC: What's time?
SO: Well, it's a kind of abstract concept which stops everything from happening at once.
SC: Smart-arse.

*

SC: Give me the time, you cocksucker.

*

SC: I've got a two inch dick. Do you want to suck it?
SO: Not especially.
SC: Oh. Does it turn you on that it's shaved?

*

SC: Uh - give me the time, you cocksucker please?

*

SC: I know where you live.
SO: Do you really?
SC: I'm going to come and get you.
SO: Oh, good - I've never met a real live goblin before.

*

SC: Operator, there's smoke pouring out of a house just up the way. Do you think the Fire Service would be able to help?
SO: Uh - yes?
SC: So what should I do?
SO: If I were you, I'd try dialling nine-nine-nine.
SC: You're sure they won't mind?

*

Fun times.

[xaenon]

Oh, this just made my day. I wish I'd had the nerve to be as smart-arsey as you when I did call center work many, MANY
years ago.

And I concur. They really DO all come out at night. LEGIONS of them - Gravekeeper can testify (and often does....)

[Andara Bledin]

So... the one dude has no idea what his best mate's name is?

And what is it with people who see smoke and feel the need to call the phone operator or service instead of, you know, the fire department?

^-.-^

[nicolecj]

In the first guy's defense, welsh is both unpronouncable and unspellable...

[dalesys]

SC: I've got a two inch dick. Do you want to suck it?
SO: Not especially.
SC: Oh. Does it turn you on that it's shaved?

You left one hair.

In the first guy's defense, welsh is both unpronouncable and unspellable...

As differentiated from Angluish, where the spelling gives not the slightest hint of the pronunciation.


(so what if my ancestors were from Little England beyond Wales (Stepaside))

[Cerys]

Thanks for the words of support. Once I've got my act together, I may bring you the tales of Mr Bala and Mr Moth.

[Shalom]

So... the one dude has no idea what his best mate's name is?

Probably only knows him by a nickname. "Well, we call him Goater, but I've never seen his driving license..."

[Cerys]

He wasn't so bad, to be fair. It's the ones who loudly and aggressively hold it against you when you can't find the number of 'my mate Dave' who used to make me want to headbutt the desk.

[rose_metal_nz]

SC: What's time?
SO: Well, it's a kind of abstract concept which stops everything from happening at once.
SC: Smart-arse.

Priceless!

[Cerys]

Thankyou

I think I'll embark on the story of Mr Bala. Some background first. Shortly after I became a directories operator, I joined the Samaritans. There's something about being a Sam that means the minute you're talking on the phone to someone who sounds genuinely upset, your voice assumes a gently encouraging tone. At least that's what I found. Keep that in mind.

It's about ten at night, and we're experiencing the lull that happens sometimes in the hour or so before the pubs kick out. (Since this was about '94, there weren't many places that had late licences, so the lull usually happened from about ten until eleven-thirty.) The stress level is dropping, and I don't have to rush. Cue my first encounter with Mr Bala.

MB: Hello?
SO: Hello? Which name, please?
MB: Hello? Hello?
SO: Hello? Can you hear me, sir?
MB: I ... I want you to help me.
SO: What can I do for you?
MB [sounding breathless and upset]: I need ... need you to help me. Hello?
SO[dropping into Sam voice]: Do you need a number?
MB: No, I ... hello? I need you to help me.
SO: How can I help?
MB: I need ... hello? I need ... just keep talking to me.
SO: It's okay, I'm not going anywhere. Can you tell me what the problem is?
MB: I ... I ... hello? Hello? I want you to help me.
SO: Of course I'll help you. Do you want to tell me what's the matter?
MB [sounding even more breathless]: I want you to help me.

[Repeat for a good five minutes until finally]

MB: Uh ... uh.
SO: Sir? Are you okay?
MB: *click*

At which point I realised.

It turned out that Mr Bala was a regular. He'd ring up until he got a female operator, and then get them to - er - 'help' him. He always called from a phone box, by the sound of it, and the calls always began with 'hello ... hello?' Standard procedure was to cut him straight off. And then we got to the night I was the only female operator working in the whole sector. For about an hour, every single call was Mr Bala - at least that's how it seemed. It was great for my call times, but not for my blood pressure. Eventually he was responsible for the one and only time I told a caller to f### off. And I have a horrible feeling he enjoyed it.

[Akasa]

OMG

[XCashier]

It turned out that Mr Bala was a regular. He'd ring up until he got a female operator, and then get them to - er - 'help' him....Eventually he was responsible for the one and only time I told a caller to f### off. And I have a horrible feeling he enjoyed it.

There's always some jerk who has to take advantage just to get his rocks off.

What goes through these jerks' minds?! (I know what I'd like to put through his mind... )

[Mytical]

What goes through these jerks' minds?! (I know what I'd like to put through his mind... )

I've tried for 37 years (roughly) to figure that out, and I can conclude only one thing. Nothing. Somebody has to have a mind for something to go through it.

[infinitemonkies]

I maintain that Welsh is not an actual form of human communication, but rather an incredibly elaborate joke the people of Wales have been playing on the British for centuries.

[Cerys]

Damn. You worked it out. Idwal - back to the drawing board!