Before you call...

[Jewels]

At my job, I am dealing with customers over the phone. Because of this, I have acrued a list of pet peeves that deal with SC on the phone.

1) People who chew gum or eat their food while on the phone. Really....its just gross. I don't enjoy trying to talk over your chewing.

2) People who have screaming children on their lap. I understand that kids will cry and make noise, and that sometimes it can't be hlped. However, if you go and place a call with the kid already screaming into the phone, I will not be pleased. If the kid starts screaming during our lovely conversation...please, please PLEASE, lets just end our call. If your kid is screaming like someone is trying to steal his kidney, I would rather that you tend to him first before I go over programming choices.

3)People who call for information or to set up an appt, but have no time to talk. Calling me 5 minutes before your meeting/court date/or curfew isn't going to fly. We have a lot to cover, so if you don't have the time now...call back later.

4)People who assume. The way my company does business is much different then cable. Don't think that since you just glanced over our flyer that you know what is going on.

5) People who cut me off. You called me...so let me give you the information that you want in peace.

6)People who compare us to that other cable company. I don't care if they have always installed you for free, or let you go five months without paying, or that they came over and mowed your lawn every other saturday....we aren't them.

There is more...but I am kinda tired and thats all I can think of. Anyone have some to add?

[Gurndigarn]

2) People who have screaming children on their lap. I understand that kids will cry and make noise, and that sometimes it can't be hlped. However, if you go and place a call with the kid already screaming into the phone, I will not be pleased. If the kid starts screaming during our lovely conversation...please, please PLEASE, lets just end our call. If your kid is screaming like someone is trying to steal his kidney, I would rather that you tend to him first before I go over programming choices.

I'll agree with this one, only so long as you don't have long hold times. If it takes me time to call someone, wait on hold, and finally get a human, I hope you understand if I don't want to return to the que.

[KamenRiderOsaka]

You forgot these:

7) People who are peeing or pooping on the phone. I dont wanna hear you grunt, and and I dont wanna hear a long stream of water followed by a "ba-woosh."

8) People who are masturbating or having sex while theyre on the phone, wanting to know "whah mah beel so hah (why my bill so high?)" Yes. This has happened.

9) People who are ordering food when they call in.

10) People who have entire conversations around you with their friends, or on another phone.

[myswtghst]

11) I posted about this before, but people who put the phone down/put you on hold without asking first. I can hold, and technically have to for up to 5 minutes, but I won't be pleasant if you do that, buddy.

12) Do not be angry with me if you forget to have your important information ready and I have to actually pull it up in the computer. It takes a minute (or 3) to run the search if the only thing you know is the site name, no ID, no case number. That is your fault, not mine, so you better be patient.

13) In addition--have your information ready. If you think you might need it, write it down on a piece of paper. When you called in earlier, I didn't give you that case number for my health.

14) Do not tell me that you can't write down your case number because you're driving, I'm not going to be happy. If you must call us while driving, don't tell me as you go through the tolls, and don't roll down the window. I'm not pleased that you're on your phone while driving, don't tick me off even more.

And Osaka--people do that to us all the time as well. I love hearing a toilet flush during a conversation.

[Jewels]

15) People who call in, leave a call back (as soon as the line frees up it will automatically cal them back), then call us back and leave a voicemail...and then call back a third time and actually get someone. What happens then is that they speak with someone else and then I call back a couple minutes later. Patience is a virtue people!

16) People who call from a bar, park, or Rolling Stones concert. Please, just wait until you are home and its quiet.

17) People who get all uppity when I can't spell their name. Of course, in most cases they have an extremly odd spelling, or a thick accent just to add to the experience.

11) I posted about this before, but people who put the phone down/put you on hold without asking first. I can hold, and technically have to for up to 5 minutes, but I won't be pleasant if you do that, buddy.

Ohh...I hate it when people do that. I had one woman call who was a switchboard operator....every 5 seconds I was on hold so that she could direct a call. The worst is when someone calls me after leaving a message at tech support. Usually they will be screaming at me because no one ever answers the tech line and calls never get returned....blah, blah, blah. Anyway, usually during this rant a tech calls them back, so they put me on hold to see who is on the other line. The tech room is right down the hall, and I can hear them while they are on the phone. I can hear the caller, since they are on speaker phone. So I know that the person the tech is talking to is the person who has me on hold. I don't dare hang up, because I know that they will call me back and yell at me for that. I was on hold once for 20 minutes in a situation like that.

[Arachne]

5) People who cut me off. You called me...so let me give you the information that you want in peace.

OOOH, I hate this! I had a lady come in the other day who really spoiled my half-hour (I don't let any but the worst SCs get their talons in my whole day). She came in wanting advice about yarn for a shawl, and showed me a couple of different colors of yarn and described the dress she was planning on wearing the shawl with. I assumed that she was asking me about color choices. Mr. Fly is a painter (as in art, not houses), and he's taught me a lot about color theory, so when people ask me about color, I'm usually spot on. I gave my opinion, and explained why. She cut me off, saying "I didn't ask you about the color!"

Technically, she didn't ask me about anything. She just put the yarn down, told me she wanted advice, and looked at me expectantly.

Anyway, I asked her what she was asking me, and she started explaining her situation again, again without asking a question. She'd already stated a preference for which yarn she wanted to use (the wrong one, IMO -- it was the same general color as her dress, which probably means it's gonna be the same color but the wrong shade/hue, which means they'll look horrible together) so I just told her she should use that one. That was what she'd wanted to hear, and she went away. Her own damn fault if she puts tons of effort into the shawl and then can't wear it. I warned her.

Later, she came back wanting a pattern. Once again, nothing was good enough, everything was wrong. She was so incredibly condescending and negative. I finally got to where I'd had enough, pointed her to the pattern books, and pointedly ignored her until she went away. I really hope she doesn't come back, but she probably will.

[Gravekeeper]

18) Please turn down your porn so I can hear you. Having a "bow chika bow bow" soundtrack to my calls is not necessary.

19) Don't lie to me. I know you're lying to me because every single thing you have done, payment you have paid or unfortunate pooch you have screwed is documented on computer. You know you're an idiot, I know you're an idiot, lets just work from there.

20) I do not require a 20 minute monologue on the problem that includes additional information such as how you felt at the time, what your friends were doing, how cute your dog is, what you had for breakfast or how far up your ass your underwear is riding. Just tell me what the problem is. This is not a court trial, you aren't required to prove motive.

21) Answer. My. God. Damn. Questions. Before I come to your house, SHAVE you with a steak knife and caesar salad dressing then glue the resulting hair fiesta to your ass while your kids watch on and laugh.

22) I am not obligated either personally or by company policy to stay on hold. Place me on hold at your own risk. I will bluntly tell you as such if you get mad at me for placing you on hold after you call back because I hung up on your stupid ass.

23) Get better on hold music. I don't hang up as fast if your taste in music doesn't suck.

24) The second you use a single swear word my desire to assist you plummets to 0. Considering it began at "2", you might want to keep your mouth in check.

25) Do not attempt to tell me that another operator told you to do x or that you could do y or that we would be giving you z when you know this is blatantly wrong. Guess what? I know it too!

26) I know you're really attached to the crack pipe/spray paint/model glue/weed you're huffing. But please at least put it down for the duration of our call.

27) This is not a taxi. Did I say taxi? No, no I didn't. Get the hell off my line.

28) This is not pizza either. In fact I believe I used the word "Software". Do not attempt to order pizza from me even after I correct you.

29) I realize your credit card info is important to you but don't tell me you've been calling over and over till you got someone who sounded "white" because you didn't trust my co-worker(s) who were of x nationality.

30) Since my company outsources it means I'm obligated to our clients, NOT to you. In any way shape or form. The sooner you realize that the easier it will be to mind your manners.

31) I will not break policy for you. I am not your friend, buddy, pal or bro and I will not do something for you "man to man", "guy to guy" or anything else to that effect.

32) I make no exceptions unless its the kind of exception that allows me to say something to you I'm not normally allowed to say. Those exceptions I enjoy. Please, PLEASE give me a reason to make one of those exceptions. They make my entire WEEK.

33) Nothing is as big of an emergency to me as it is to you. Nothing. Trust me on this.

34) I hate you. Please hang up and have your phone line/cellphone disconnected for the good of humanity.


Thats all that pops into mind at the moment...

[Dips]

35. If you know (or ought to know), before you call, that you are asking for more information than you can memorize, please have a means to record the information available when you call.

Just how many times do you have to put businesses on hold while you go running for that pen and paper before you figure out that not being prepared doesn't save time? Do you keep walking out to your car without your keys and expect that this time you'll be able to start it without them?

[Chanlin]

I agree with Dips on this 100%

If you are calling for information, especially when a long series of numbers will be involved an you know it, please have a writing utensil (that works, test it while you're on hold) and something to write on. If I had a dime for every time I was giving somone a phone number and they say, "oh wait let me get a pen/pencil/crayon" I would be rich That being said let me add some of my own.

- If you need glasses, put them on. Again, find them while you're on hold. If you can't find your glasses, have somone present who can help you to see what you are doing.

- Please be as detailed as possible. "It's broke"/"It's not working" will never ever suffice as enough information for me to be able to help you. On that same point, "I Need help" is not a valid one sentence response to the question, "How can I help you?" I know you need help with something, otherwise we wouldn't be speaking.

- Please don't shoot another question or request at me while I am in the process of answering your previous question.

- I can type quickly, and I have a decent memory. I can not type as fast as the micro machines man talks, and I'm fairly sure you can't do the same. So please, if I need to copy information down, give it to me at a reasonably human pace.

- On the same token as the previosu point, a reasonably human pace is not one character or word at a time. Also please do not stop to ask me "did you get that" after each word or character.

- And for the love god, and all things that do not suck, YES I AM SURE. Asking me if I am sure will only annoy me. I don't know about you, but I generally make sure of what I am going to say before I say it. Especially when it comes to customer service.

- On that same token, if I am asking you if you are sure the information you have given me is correct it is for a reason. If I tell you based on the information you give me then a certain point or other bit of information must be true, don't try to tell me I am wrong, you will lose every time.

[Becks]

18) Please turn down your porn so I can hear you. Having a "bow chika bow bow" soundtrack to my calls is not necessary.

Porn bass rocks. It's the fake orgasms that are annoying.

...

[ToasterQueen]

- No I cannot expedite your shipment. You placed the order yesterday and the parts are shipping a week and a half from today, from Japan. That's unheard of. Believe me when I say that I've seen shipments take two months. Our machines are not powered by screaming and thus it will not help.

- I will by no means call Japan to see if they can expedite your shipment. It is 3 in the morning there.

- Please do not call me from your factory. I don't want to hear your pick and place machines whirring while you yell over it on your cell phone with terrible reception.

- If you're leaving a message with me, for the love of God remember to leave your number before hanging up.

- Hey, customer with Tchaikovsky hold music? I love you. Just so you know.

- We are in the Eastern time zone. Mister California, when you call at 3:30 your time and I by some fluke am still in the office, don't get huffy because nobody here stayed until 6:30 to take your stupid RoHS compliancy question. Learn the concept of business hours.

[morgana]

21) Answer. My. God. Damn. Questions. Before I come to your house, SHAVE you with a steak knife and caesar salad dressing then glue the resulting hair fiesta to your ass while your kids watch on and laugh.

I'm dying here . . .

[Cia]

Know the difference between a door entry system and the door holders on the fire alarm system. Telling me the doors aren't working doesn't help.

Know the difference between the overhead paging system, the mass notification system and the fire alarm system.

Nurse call masters and patient stations are not the same.

Heat detectors come in two styles - fixed temperature and rate-of-rise - and aren't necessarily interchangable.

Glass rods for Edwards manual stations wont fit Faraday, Pyrotronics or Simplex manual stations and vice versa.

Bugs like to crawl in and die inside smoke detectors so don't complain to me when you breath through you mouth while snapping one off the ceiling and get a lovely bug treat. Yummy and crunchy.

When you call up and say your from the Pepsi plant, be specific. I will automatically assume you are at the Rapid City plant and not the Huron one. So stop being a dick.

[Jester]

Porn bass rocks. It's the fake orgasms that are annoying.

Wait, you mean those women are FAKING it? I am shocked! Stunned! Speechless!

Hey, Gravekeeper? I actually managed to read your entire post while eating soup without spilling a single drop!

Of course, I did this by reading....then eating soup and ignoring the screen....then reading.....etc. Otherwise, I would have had an Italian Wedding Monitor.

[Gravekeeper]

Hey, Gravekeeper? I actually managed to read your entire post while eating soup without spilling a single drop!

Of course, I did this by reading....then eating soup and ignoring the screen....then reading.....etc. Otherwise, I would have had an Italian Wedding Monitor.

Hehe, maybe you're building up a resistance to me. Like chicken pox. -.-

You guys reminded me of some more. ><


- "It was too snowy to go to the post office" is not a valid excuse for why you're trying to return an item over a month beyond the 15 day return policy.

- If I tell you you're breaking up or you're cutting in and out, this means I did not hear part of what you said and I need you to repeat it. If I tell you either of these things repeatedly this means hang the Hell up and call back after you manage to climb out of the friggan well you're calling from. This isn't Journey to the Center of the Earth, its tech support.

- "Wal-mart" is not your laptop manufacturer but it is a sort of ominous foreshadowing for how difficult this call is going to be.

- If its not in the catalog or on the website, and this may come as a shock, we DON'T HAVE IT. So don't ask me for it. ( Variant of "Do you have any more in back" )

- Just tell me what the product code is. Don't tell me what page its on or what it looks like. You might be able to get away with grunting and pointing at a picture at MacDonalds, but here you're going to have to put in a bit of effort.

- 6XL is not a size, its a *tarp*. We do not carry it. You either require more exercise or have been bombarded with gamma radiation. I cannot assist you in either case. Please do not "smash" me.

- You make kitty scared.

- When I tell you business hours are on pacific time, do not get mad at me because you're on the east coast. Do not demand that "You guys have to think more about us Floridians!" because it will, ironically, make me think less about you Floridians.

- Do not bother with the line "Do you know who I am". No, I don't. Even if I did it would not change any facts revolving around your current situation. Fame, fortune, rank or position do not in any way reduce or alter how big of a fantastical idiot you are.

- My patience is limitless. Not because I care but because its a passive-aggressive way of making you give up. So the sooner you give up the sooner we can all go home.

- If you can't remember something pertaining to your call, do not attempt to completely dismiss the gap in your knowledge by telling me things like "You know what I'm talking about". No, I don't, and on the occasion when I do I'm not going to tell you anyway. If I told you, you'd never learn and I enjoy watching you struggle.



I'm a bastard. -.-