Somehow, i don't think I can make you happy...

[AquaGirl]

Yay I got to talk to Mr. Pain today. Last month my co-worker jinxed me by saying "Ugh, you don't want to talk to that guy." Guess who (out of a total of 400 people on 2 coasts) has gotten to speak to him the last 4 times he's called? Yes, it is I, AquaGirl, the chosen one.

He doesn't SOUND crazy but guess what? He be. We had the same conversation we have everytime he calls. At least I'm no longer shocked into speechlessness.

Mr. Pain: These bottles are too full! I need you to make sure there's less water in them!
Me: unfortunately that would be against the law, as we cannot legally sell you 5 gallons of water with less than 5 gallons of water. Not to mention nearly impossible as we cannot really program our fill system to fill one random bottle with slightly less water than all the other ones (I was slightly more polite. Slightly. Since, you know, I've told him FOUR times!)
Mr. Pain: Let's talk about illegal! You want me to call my lawyer? I am the customer and if I want to get less water, I should get less water!
Me: I'm not sure what a lawyer could do, as you voluntarily sought out our company in order to purchase 5 gallons of water and are now threatening legal action because we did what you asked, but have fun with that. (Actually I just restated what I already said and apologized)
Mr. Pain: well what do you suggest I do!?
Me: You could open the bottle and dump some of the water down the sink or outside when its delivered. Or I could request that your representative do it on delivery.
Mr. Pain: No, that's stupid. Anyway, the problem is that when I turn the bottle over to put it on the cooler its so full that water splashes out on the floor and makes a mess.
Me: (sighs. Oh poor, innocent me of 3 weeks ago who was actually excited the first time she heard this, thinking she could actually help the customer. Poor sweet, silly girl) Oh I can help you with that. You must have one of our older coolers. What you need is a waterguard.
Mr. Pain: What's that?
Me: a device that is installed on your water cooler that will puncture the seal on the bottle. You wont have to remove the whole cap and since the seal will only be punctured as the bottle is placed on the cooler you won't spill any water.
Mr. Pain: (wait for it...wait for it) That's the stupidest thing I ever heard of! Who came up with tthat s***!? I want a bottle that is not full or I quit! Click

Yeah this is how it is every.single.time. Fortunately the local manager explained after the first call that this guy likes to complain and is actually made angrier by any attempt to solve his problems and that I should basically just keep telling him the same thing in hopes he will either accept it or get tired of calling because they really can't make him happy. So I don't stress and I just let him give me his weekly spiel.

[Dips]

Of course everything you tell him to, you know, actually SOLVE his problem is stupid.

What's he going to complain about if you solve the problem for him?

All you can do with that kind of nutjob is jolly them along and make sympathetic noises at them while rolling your eyes behind their backs.

[Shalom]

Yay I got to talk to Mr. Pain today. Last month my co-worker jinxed me by saying "Ugh, you don't want to talk to that guy." Guess who (out of a total of 400 people on 2 coasts) has gotten to speak to him the last 4 times he's called? Yes, it is I, AquaGirl, the chosen one. .

Are you sure he isn't also calling when you're off shift? My first thought when reading this was that there are probably two other reps (assuming 8-hour shifts) who at this moment are grumbling and muttering "Why do I have to speak to this moron every time he calls?"

[XCashier]

Are you sure he isn't also calling when you're off shift? My first thought when reading this was that there are probably two other reps (assuming 8-hour shifts) who at this moment are grumbling and muttering "Why do I have to speak to this moron every time he calls?"

It does seem like some people only exist to bitch and moan, doesn't it?

[DGoddessChardonnay]

It does seem like some people only exist to bitch and moan, doesn't it?

So true.

Must be the only way he can get an "erector set".

[PatchO'Black]

Okay, there comes a point where the rank-and-file should not have to put up with an abusive customer, even if it is light abuse. In this case, if possible and not there already, I would place a note stating that this customer has repeatedly called to complain, and after being given viable solutions, continues to reject them in favor of threatening legal action and being rude to the employees. Then, if he calls back, you (or whoever gets him) should be able to say "It appears you have already contacted us before regarding this matter, at which time you were informed of the options available, and you rejected those solutions. As there is nothing more that can be done regarding that matter at this time, is there anything else we can assist you with now?" If he persists in not moving on, tell him that you will ether end the call (assuming there are no rules against ending a call with a customer who is harassing you) or that the only thing you can do is note that he called again and still is refusing to accept the available solution. Of course, if you could transfer him to management and have him bug them a bit, that might get this customer out of your hair as well.

[Raveni]

I would think that after the third time, you would process his cancellation and charge him for not returning the old cooler.

[EricKei]

I would think that after the third time, you would process his cancellation and charge him for not returning the old cooler.

Beat me to it -- after all:

I want a bottle that is not full or I quit! Click

He has asked for it several times now, albeit indirectly.

Also, since he's threatened legal action, the best (CYOA) thing to do is have all of his calls forwarded directly to the Legal department, or to whomever serves that role in your company.

[Dips]

Also, since he's threatened legal action, the best (CYOA) thing to do is have all of his calls forwarded directly to the Legal department, or to whomever serves that role in your company.

Oh, yeah. I completely forgot about that tactic.

"I'm sorry, sir. But since you've indicated that you plan to take legal action against us we can longer continue this discussion. Please have your attorney send us his contact information which we will forward to our attorney."

Then sit back and watch 'im backpedal.

[underemployeed]

I would just tell him that you will comply to his demands and now "Saturday is Tuesday. X-ray leema, abort mission. The catcher is in the rye and the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. Proceed to Checkpoint"

After he is sufficiently confused or paranoid from this random assembly of phrases. He will be stunned and hang up, problem solved.

[sirwired]

I was so excited when our new water company installed one of those no-splash water things at work. I must have swapped out 25% of the bottles myself because the dozens of other employees that use our cooler were too terrified or something...