Pathetic attempts at pick ups

[RecoveringKinkoid]

My favorite pick up attempt, ever.

One of my customers was a very obese taxi driver who played the tuba in a german oompa band. (God, I love this town.) He was funny, a little crude sometimes, and charming. I liked him.

He apparently thought I was much younger than I was. We were chatting one saturday morning and the conversation came around to our ages and I told him how old I was. I was his age.

He did a double take, blinked, then leaned onto the counter and said, "Oh, well, in that case, would you like to have an affair with a old, bald, fat man?"

Well, no thanks, but I like a man who is direct!

And of course, this town is also full of artists and photographers who hit on you by telling you that you look like a model and would you please pose nude for them. Yeah, nice try with that, pervert. They tell everything that breathes and has a hoo-ha that, so it's not so flattering.

Then there was a guy who I'm not so sure was trying to pick me us as he was just complimenting me. I used to do the "uptight librarian" thing the first time I worked at Kinko's. First off, I don't know why men fiind that so irresistable, but they seem to. Second, it's a lie that men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses. Young black rapper type comes up to the counter and says "I dont' mean any disrespect, but you're the sexiest woman I've ever seen." Black guys have the best pickup lines, hands down. They are direct and don't try to be cute. They don't use silly "lines".

I married the first guy that was direct with me and didn't try to be cute. So you know I like that.

I remember a lot of silliness with guys and their pickup lines. And I remember the ones that were honest and direct, and genuinely made me feel good about myself. The ones that make me smile are the ones who just say what they mean and don't try to be clever.

[ShortTemperHatesStupidity]

To answer your questions guys, no lines do not work. They only reason they would work is if the girl is on a mission to get laid that evening. Oh wait.. I guess that's what they're after...

But anyway, for 98% of women, we'll roll our eyes at you and laugh on the insides at the pathetic attempt you just made to strike up conversation. Lines are not flattering, although the attempt at thought behind them sometimes is-I like knowing that after dating my guy for over 5 years that I still got it!

[ArenaBoy]

Reading through that list, it makes me glad that I grew up in a neighborhood full of girls and even more glad that my best friend is a girl. That sort of idoicy is beaten out of you quickly.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Do you think I'll have any success with these lines?

One of them was "Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?"

Reminded me of the Rodney Dangerfield "Caddyshack" version: "Wanna make 14 bucks the hard way?"

[Getoutofmylobby]

My friend and I were recovering from hangovers at a Denny's early one Saturday morning and he developed this love affair in his head with our server. She was awesome, i'll give him that, but he took every mundane thing she said the wrong way. Like her asking us if we wanted more coffee was some subliminal.. something... It was sad... Anyway, as we left, and despite my protesting, he put his phone number on a $20 bill with the note "I can teach you how to play guitar--CALL me!" written in sharpie on the front.

Yeah, that didn't work. This was about 10 years ago but if anyone reading this finds that twenty... I will pay any price.

[myswtghst]

Speaking of Denny's, one of my good friends in college married our late night Denny's waitress. She was mighty awesome, and cute, too.

As for pickup lines, I get em all the time, and I work on the phones. I tend to think it's hilarious, as these guys have no way to judge what I look like, they just like my voice. I've actually had a guy say to me over the phone, "wow, for a second there, I thought I called the wrong number...like, you know, a 900 number." I didn't even ask why he would know what that sounded like, but jeez. I do tend to get lots of compliments on my voice, but I guess its because I've been a singer my whole life and can sing down through tenor (a feat for a girl), so I have the deep, husky voice going on. I've also had cell dealers in FL ask for my cell number and even ask me to move down there, where they'll "set me up for life." All this and you've never even seen me? I'm a little frightened dude.

[Jester]

I used to do the "uptight librarian" thing the first time I worked at Kinko's. First off, I don't know why men fiind that so irresistable, but they seem to. Second, it's a lie that men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses.

First off, yes we do. Some of us more than others. Me being part of some of us, naturally.

Second, yes, it is. Anyone who says guys don't make passes at girls with glasses is an idiot or blind. Or a blind idiot. Some of the sexiest girls I have ever met have been wearing glasses. Some girls absolutely make the look work. And I mean work with a capital Holy Shit!

And I remember the ones that were honest and direct, and genuinely made me feel good about myself. The ones that make me smile are the ones who just say what they mean and don't try to be clever.

Precisely. I have always said the single best pickup line is "Hello." And you go from there. I think the only time I ever used a line other than some form of greeting was last October. It wasn't a line in the sense of the ones listed. It wasn't something I thought about ahead of time. I was just very hungover and very social and just saying whatever came into my head. And when the redhead with the long killer hair and the equally killer body walked up to the bar to get drinks, I turned to her without thinking and said, "Darlin' I gotta tell you--my biggest weakness with women is long hair, and you are just making my day!" I wasn't trying to be cute or funny (though I am often naturally funny without trying), I was just being honest.

Note to the guys: Yes. It DID work. Most likely because it was honest, sincere, and complimentary. It probably didn't hurt that I was dressed in a full-length court jester outfit, including tights, at a pool bar in the early afternoon.

Have I mentioned I live in a very interesting place?

[Lace Neil Singer]

The absolute worst pickup line I've ever heard was "Your dad must be a thief cuz he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes." I just stared at him in disbelief and walked off. I've also tipped a guy's pint over his head cuz he wouldn't leave me alone; he was one of those idiots who believe that when a girl says "no" she really means "yes". It took a pint of bitter over his head to drum into him that when I say "no" I mean "sod off or suffer the consequences."

I've never been chatted up at work, tho I have had quite a few girlfs give me death glares when they come up to the till and find me chatting in a friendly manner to their bloke. That goes for wherever the guy is on the gorgeous scale; for some reason, some women always distrust anyone who gets on with their boyf, whether he's drop dead gorgeous or balding and fat.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Exactly, Jester. It's not cheesy if you are just saying what you mean. The stupid line about the "stars in your eyes" is a line. A really stupid one. What you said to the redhead, and what the guy said to me when he just walked up and complimented me, is simply and honestly telling someone you find them attractive.

I almost forgot this one: I posted on another thread about an idiot customer that shook my hand so hard I felt the bones grind and intense pain shoot up my arm. As he was shaking my hand, he actually said "Girls either have looks or brains, so you must be a complete moron."

Uh, thanks, asshole.

He was also hitting on one of my coworkers by telling her what a great ass she had, over and over.

What a freaking Casanova, eh?

[po'drph]

This didn't happen to me but to one of my pharmacy techs, but I was there. I worked at supermarket chain pharmacy and had a very cute tech working with me. We had a guy that worked in the store who was known as player and would sleep with just about anyone or anything. He was constantly flirting with and asking my tech out. She was very nice to him but told him she did not want to go out with him. He persisted and she finally would avoid him if possible. One day when just her and I were in the pharmacy. He came in and asked me loudly so she could hear if I would recommend something that would treat a "cold shoulder". Needless to say we both laughed our asses off.

[BookstoreEscapee]

They tell everything that breathes and has a hoo-ha that, so it's not so flattering.

I was listening to the "No Sweat News" on my local radio station yesterday, and they had a story from somewhere in Florida (the "Capital of the No Sweat News") about a theater that was doing "The Vagina Monologues", so naturally it was on their marquis outside. Some woman complained because her little kid saw it and asked "mommy, what's a vagina monologue?". So they changed the marquis to read "The Hoo-Ha Monologues"--how f-ing ridiculous is that?

And, now, baby, howz about we go back to your place...er...topic...?

"wow, for a second there, I thought I called the wrong number...like, you know, a 900 number." I didn't even ask why he would know what that sounded like, but jeez.

Maybe he knows from Aerosmith's "Sweet Emotion" video...

First off, yes we do. Some of us more than others. Me being part of some of us, naturally.

Good to know...where can I find some around here? I need new glasses..wink, wink..

I've never been chatted up at work, tho I have had quite a few girlfs give me death glares when they come up to the till and find me chatting in a friendly manner to their bloke.

Sounds like the women who'd answer when I'd be calling orders, and they'd get all suspicious - "and WHO is calling?"...

As he was shaking my hand, he actually said "Girls either have looks or brains, so you must be a complete moron."

Gee, how flattering...take me home, big boy...

[Lace Neil Singer]

Sounds like the women who'd answer when I'd be calling orders, and they'd get all suspicious - "and WHO is calling?"...

That's when you answer "Why, your husband/boyf's lover!" Sounds even better if you're male.

[BookstoreEscapee]

That's when you answer "Why, your husband/boyf's lover!" Sounds even better if you're male.

I'd be tempted to respond.."Who is THIS???"

[RecoveringKinkoid]

"So they changed the marquis to read "The Hoo-Ha Monologues"--how f-ing ridiculous is that?"

Oh, well, of course. We wouldn't want any kids to actually know the proper terms for their body parts, now would we? Better to use a sophmoric slang instead.

I'd love to know what they would have suggested if the word Penis had appeared on that same sigh. There are so many colorful terms we could substitute for that. I wonder if she is petitioning HBO to change the name of their popular show to "Fucking In The City". To, you know, make it a little more G rated.

I love wives or girlfriends who think its The Other Woman every time a member of the opposite sex calls their house. It must suck to be terrified of half the population of Earth. If these women are that paranoid, they need either a good shrink or a trustworthy man. Not sure which. Maybe both.

[Auto]

Do these pathetic pickup lines ever actually work? I don't think I'd even want a woman who was stupid enough to go for one.

If you're George Clooney or Brad Pitt, you could get away with such a line. But then either of those guys wouldn't need to spout such crap to attract girls.

Once a phrase becomes a "line," only dumbass jerks who will never ever be successful pick-up artists say it.