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Wherein The Tips Get Hotter
Holy crap there's some crazy ahead, kids.
Quack
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “uhhhh…….I WANT ORDER EARPHONE”
Okay then. Earphones it is. We can do that. So you can relax. You’ll get your earphones. I just need a bit of information from you so I can begin your ord-
SC: “EARPHONE! WANT COLOUR BLACK!”
-er. Yes, we established that you want earphones. In the colour black. Worry not, I have not forgotten your blathering desires in the intervening 5 seconds since you last informed me of them. This may come as a shock to you considering your own mental abilities, but I am actually capable of retaining information for extended periods of time…..
Me: “And your postal code please?”
SC: “…….uhhhhhh….uh….I dunno. I forgot.”
….which is a feat I see you have not yet come close to mastering.
Me: “And which catalog would you like to order from?”
SC: “EARPHONE COLOUR BLACK”
Hey, don’t take this question the wrong way but: Did you escape from a lab? Your dim comprehension, lack of conversational skills and inability to properly pronounce any letter that would require articulated lips has admittedly raised my suspicions. If you are indeed human, this would be a sad state of affairs and my faith in our species would suffer yet another catastrophic decline. However, if you were say……some sort of clandestine lab experiment to enhance the intelligence of a duck, that would actually be quite impressive and make perfect sense. It would also explain why you seem to pronounce “black” with a Q instead of a B.
Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “uh….7456748……53767….7…..6?”
Seriously, it would change my entire opinion of this call. I mean look at this train wreck of a response. Now envision it coming from one of two sources. If thou art a man, then this would be sad, embarrassing and a shameful black mark on your local education system. But! If you were a duck, then this would be absolutely amazing to behold a duck capable of understanding numbers.
Me: “By credit card or COD?”
SC: “CREDIT CARD”
Me: “Credit card?”
SC: “Yeah!”
Me: “Alright, and your name is on the card?”
SC: “Yeah.”
Me: “and the card number please?”
SC: “Uh…I don’t have a credit card.”
There really needs to be a word for when someone says or does something so staggeringly stupid and frustrating that it actually stuns you a moment in awe. I mean an actual word for it. Not one of the various curse words normally used to refer to it.
I bet German has a word for it. German has a word for everything.
Me: “That should arrive in about 2 weeks-“
SC: “2 weeks?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “Ok…..I wanna order two!”
Me: "…sorry, you wanted to order something else?”
SC: “WALLET!”
…You better start quacking.
Medical Advice
You know, any sane, rational person seeking medical advice would probably stop seeking said advice after the person they were talking to said “I’m not a doctor”. Thus identifying them as completely unqualified to advise you in any capacity. Yet that did not stop you at all. In fact it took approximately 5 separate denials over 3 calls for you to finally stop trying to seek medical advice from me.
I am not a doctor. I don’t know anything about your medication. Never mind that you have three different medications there and you’ve forgotten which one is which. You just remember that one of them is particularly potent and dangerous. So despite facing a 1 in 3 chance of ending up on the floor frothing at the mouth and desperately trying to peel the gremlins off you, you’re still willing to ask medical advice of a completely unqualified random stranger.
Thought Process
SC: “I’ve lost the keys to my car”
Most unfortunate. You have my sympathies. However, this is not something I can assist you with in any way shape or form. Oddly enough, we do not manage your car. Only your building.
SC: “and the keys to get into my building.”
That’s a bit more in the realm of what I can assist you with. Why did you not simply say that to begin with?
SC: “and the keys to get into my suite.”
I’m beginning to sense a running theme here. You know, in the future you can consolidate your thoughts and merely inform me of the conclusion you came to. Such as “My keys are missing”. You do not need to walk me through your entire thought process like some sort of neural tour guide. “Hey….where are my car keys? …..wait, where are my building keys? …..where are my suite keys? My keys must be missing! Oh, poppycock!”.
I Hate You
Me: “May I help you?”
SC: “I hope so! HAR HAR HAR!”
Thou art truly a devilish jester whose wiles tickle the fancy of all you meet. You must leave a swath of hilarity where ever you roam.
I do so hope you one day find yourself trapped beneath a desperately lustful bison.
You've Gotta Be Kidding
It’s rather bold of you to call in sick from a bar. So I’ll get you credit. Dubious credit mind you, but credit none the less. However, if you think I am going to cover your back and not mention your dalliances to HR you're sorely mistaken.
Nice Try?
Me: “What is your name please?”
SC: “Maryrose, uh, I mean Linda.”
Congratulations, you maintained your cover for approximately 17 seconds. I admire your tenacity in trying to elude the black list that prevents you from ordering further pants seeing as you did not pay for your last order. However, you're going to have to be a tad more clever than that.
Hot Tips
SC: “Hi, my name is Vick.”
Hello, Vick.
SC: “I know some hackers that could get into S&P’s email.”
….okay? Congratulations on your dubious connections, however, and I know I'm going to regret asking this, but why would we want to hack S&P's email? Let alone ask for your help in doing so?
SC: “Probably prove that these guys had some fraud charges up to 2008.”
If they had fraud charges brought against them it’d be much easier to, you know, just check court records to see if they had fraud charges against them. No need to go email hacking. I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I can’t help but think you’re doing things the hard way.
Hot Tips
SC: “You hung up on me.”
Me: “Why, yes. Yes, I did.”
Yet oddly enough you didn’t take the hint.
SC: “You sure you don’t want S&P being charged with the biggest fraud in 2008?”
You’re about to get another hint.
Hot Tips
SC: “Hi, my name is Vick.”
Please go away, Vick.
SC: “Hey, everybody’s gonna be comin’ after yer president. That downgrade of the US…(*Q@#ing....of the US….uh…”
Credit rating?
SC: “Uh....uh......economy.”
Credit rating. You mean credit rating.
SC: “So <hiccup> so I hope he <hiccup> has some protection.”
.....wait, are you drunk? Do people really hiccup like a Looney Toons character when they get sloshed?
Hot Tips
SC: “Hey…….”
Me: “Hi.”
What, no introduction?
SC: “I underssashd dat Obama got a Nobel <hiccup> Nobel peace prize.”
Holy shit you're wasted. What the hell happened? Its only been 15 minutes since your last call. What are you drinking? Listerine? Are you playing some sort of bizzarre CNN drinking game I'm unaware of?
SC: “I know some guys <hiccup> they don’t think he deserved that.”
And….what? I am not a feedback form for the White House. In fact, I’m pretty sure they have some sort of website that probably does have some sort of feedback form. You could drunkenly passing along your undoubtedly important thoughts to them right now. Instead of bothering me.
Hot Tips
SC: “Hey….ma name ish Vick."
My God, dude. What is your problem tonight?
SC: “Der ar peepal <hiccup>…hello?”
Me: “Yes?”
SC: “Der ar peepal dat don belif Obama shud haf evar got dat Nobble Peace Prize.”
.....Wait, what's a Nobble Peace Price? Or did I spell that wrong? Nobble Piece Prize? ...is this some sort of weird erotic Obama fanfic you're trying to tell me about?
Hot Tips
SC: “Ma name ish Vick."
Me: “Yes...”
SC: “Before you guys built da Large Hadron Collider”
Me: “….Wait, what?”
How the heck did we get from Nobel Peace Prize to the Large Hadron Collider? Which, by the way was built in Europe by Europeans.
SC: “I drew it out for NASA, ok?! So make sure you *(&@#ing remember dat!”
Oh, well then. My apologies. I didn’t realize you designed the Large Hadron Collider first. You should totally sue CERN for ripping you off. I’m impressed Vick, between the heavy drug use, booze and proactive defense of the US solely through watching CNN at 3am without any pants on, where did you find the time to design a particle accelerator?
Hot Tips
SC: “Hey. Navy Seals can hold der breath fer 2 and a half minutes underwater.”
Ok? Thanks for that completely random fun fact.
SC: “But I can do a few hours underwater!”
Me: “So, what, you're Aquaman?"
So not only did you design the Large Hadron Collider, but you’re also super human. Got it. You know, for a superhero, you don’t really hold your liquor that well.
SC: “So…that’s &@$&ing....not Aquaman! I’m a different &@$&ing character!”
Me: "Whatever you say, Aquaman."
SC: "*&@#$ing! <click>"
Aquaman is so uncool even a drunken paranoid conspiracy theorist doesn’t want to be compared to him. Not only did he hang up on me that time, but he never called after that. I think I'll just call him Aquaman every time he calls from now on.
annnnnd rest
Quack
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “uhhhh…….I WANT ORDER EARPHONE”
Okay then. Earphones it is. We can do that. So you can relax. You’ll get your earphones. I just need a bit of information from you so I can begin your ord-
SC: “EARPHONE! WANT COLOUR BLACK!”
-er. Yes, we established that you want earphones. In the colour black. Worry not, I have not forgotten your blathering desires in the intervening 5 seconds since you last informed me of them. This may come as a shock to you considering your own mental abilities, but I am actually capable of retaining information for extended periods of time…..
Me: “And your postal code please?”
SC: “…….uhhhhhh….uh….I dunno. I forgot.”
….which is a feat I see you have not yet come close to mastering.
Me: “And which catalog would you like to order from?”
SC: “EARPHONE COLOUR BLACK”
Hey, don’t take this question the wrong way but: Did you escape from a lab? Your dim comprehension, lack of conversational skills and inability to properly pronounce any letter that would require articulated lips has admittedly raised my suspicions. If you are indeed human, this would be a sad state of affairs and my faith in our species would suffer yet another catastrophic decline. However, if you were say……some sort of clandestine lab experiment to enhance the intelligence of a duck, that would actually be quite impressive and make perfect sense. It would also explain why you seem to pronounce “black” with a Q instead of a B.
Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “uh….7456748……53767….7…..6?”
Seriously, it would change my entire opinion of this call. I mean look at this train wreck of a response. Now envision it coming from one of two sources. If thou art a man, then this would be sad, embarrassing and a shameful black mark on your local education system. But! If you were a duck, then this would be absolutely amazing to behold a duck capable of understanding numbers.
Me: “By credit card or COD?”
SC: “CREDIT CARD”
Me: “Credit card?”
SC: “Yeah!”
Me: “Alright, and your name is on the card?”
SC: “Yeah.”
Me: “and the card number please?”
SC: “Uh…I don’t have a credit card.”
There really needs to be a word for when someone says or does something so staggeringly stupid and frustrating that it actually stuns you a moment in awe. I mean an actual word for it. Not one of the various curse words normally used to refer to it.
I bet German has a word for it. German has a word for everything.
Me: “That should arrive in about 2 weeks-“
SC: “2 weeks?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “Ok…..I wanna order two!”
Me: "…sorry, you wanted to order something else?”
SC: “WALLET!”
…You better start quacking.
Medical Advice
You know, any sane, rational person seeking medical advice would probably stop seeking said advice after the person they were talking to said “I’m not a doctor”. Thus identifying them as completely unqualified to advise you in any capacity. Yet that did not stop you at all. In fact it took approximately 5 separate denials over 3 calls for you to finally stop trying to seek medical advice from me.
I am not a doctor. I don’t know anything about your medication. Never mind that you have three different medications there and you’ve forgotten which one is which. You just remember that one of them is particularly potent and dangerous. So despite facing a 1 in 3 chance of ending up on the floor frothing at the mouth and desperately trying to peel the gremlins off you, you’re still willing to ask medical advice of a completely unqualified random stranger.
Thought Process
SC: “I’ve lost the keys to my car”
Most unfortunate. You have my sympathies. However, this is not something I can assist you with in any way shape or form. Oddly enough, we do not manage your car. Only your building.
SC: “and the keys to get into my building.”
That’s a bit more in the realm of what I can assist you with. Why did you not simply say that to begin with?
SC: “and the keys to get into my suite.”
I’m beginning to sense a running theme here. You know, in the future you can consolidate your thoughts and merely inform me of the conclusion you came to. Such as “My keys are missing”. You do not need to walk me through your entire thought process like some sort of neural tour guide. “Hey….where are my car keys? …..wait, where are my building keys? …..where are my suite keys? My keys must be missing! Oh, poppycock!”.
I Hate You
Me: “May I help you?”
SC: “I hope so! HAR HAR HAR!”
Thou art truly a devilish jester whose wiles tickle the fancy of all you meet. You must leave a swath of hilarity where ever you roam.
I do so hope you one day find yourself trapped beneath a desperately lustful bison.
You've Gotta Be Kidding
It’s rather bold of you to call in sick from a bar. So I’ll get you credit. Dubious credit mind you, but credit none the less. However, if you think I am going to cover your back and not mention your dalliances to HR you're sorely mistaken.
Nice Try?
Me: “What is your name please?”
SC: “Maryrose, uh, I mean Linda.”
Congratulations, you maintained your cover for approximately 17 seconds. I admire your tenacity in trying to elude the black list that prevents you from ordering further pants seeing as you did not pay for your last order. However, you're going to have to be a tad more clever than that.
Hot Tips
SC: “Hi, my name is Vick.”
Hello, Vick.
SC: “I know some hackers that could get into S&P’s email.”
….okay? Congratulations on your dubious connections, however, and I know I'm going to regret asking this, but why would we want to hack S&P's email? Let alone ask for your help in doing so?
SC: “Probably prove that these guys had some fraud charges up to 2008.”
If they had fraud charges brought against them it’d be much easier to, you know, just check court records to see if they had fraud charges against them. No need to go email hacking. I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I can’t help but think you’re doing things the hard way.
Hot Tips
SC: “You hung up on me.”
Me: “Why, yes. Yes, I did.”
Yet oddly enough you didn’t take the hint.
SC: “You sure you don’t want S&P being charged with the biggest fraud in 2008?”
You’re about to get another hint.
Hot Tips
SC: “Hi, my name is Vick.”
Please go away, Vick.
SC: “Hey, everybody’s gonna be comin’ after yer president. That downgrade of the US…(*Q@#ing....of the US….uh…”
Credit rating?
SC: “Uh....uh......economy.”
Credit rating. You mean credit rating.
SC: “So <hiccup> so I hope he <hiccup> has some protection.”
.....wait, are you drunk? Do people really hiccup like a Looney Toons character when they get sloshed?
Hot Tips
SC: “Hey…….”
Me: “Hi.”
What, no introduction?
SC: “I underssashd dat Obama got a Nobel <hiccup> Nobel peace prize.”
Holy shit you're wasted. What the hell happened? Its only been 15 minutes since your last call. What are you drinking? Listerine? Are you playing some sort of bizzarre CNN drinking game I'm unaware of?
SC: “I know some guys <hiccup> they don’t think he deserved that.”
And….what? I am not a feedback form for the White House. In fact, I’m pretty sure they have some sort of website that probably does have some sort of feedback form. You could drunkenly passing along your undoubtedly important thoughts to them right now. Instead of bothering me.
Hot Tips
SC: “Hey….ma name ish Vick."
My God, dude. What is your problem tonight?
SC: “Der ar peepal <hiccup>…hello?”
Me: “Yes?”
SC: “Der ar peepal dat don belif Obama shud haf evar got dat Nobble Peace Prize.”
.....Wait, what's a Nobble Peace Price? Or did I spell that wrong? Nobble Piece Prize? ...is this some sort of weird erotic Obama fanfic you're trying to tell me about?
Hot Tips
SC: “Ma name ish Vick."
Me: “Yes...”
SC: “Before you guys built da Large Hadron Collider”
Me: “….Wait, what?”
How the heck did we get from Nobel Peace Prize to the Large Hadron Collider? Which, by the way was built in Europe by Europeans.
SC: “I drew it out for NASA, ok?! So make sure you *(&@#ing remember dat!”
Oh, well then. My apologies. I didn’t realize you designed the Large Hadron Collider first. You should totally sue CERN for ripping you off. I’m impressed Vick, between the heavy drug use, booze and proactive defense of the US solely through watching CNN at 3am without any pants on, where did you find the time to design a particle accelerator?
Hot Tips
SC: “Hey. Navy Seals can hold der breath fer 2 and a half minutes underwater.”
Ok? Thanks for that completely random fun fact.
SC: “But I can do a few hours underwater!”
Me: “So, what, you're Aquaman?"
So not only did you design the Large Hadron Collider, but you’re also super human. Got it. You know, for a superhero, you don’t really hold your liquor that well.
SC: “So…that’s &@$&ing....not Aquaman! I’m a different &@$&ing character!”
Me: "Whatever you say, Aquaman."
SC: "*&@#$ing! <click>"
Aquaman is so uncool even a drunken paranoid conspiracy theorist doesn’t want to be compared to him. Not only did he hang up on me that time, but he never called after that. I think I'll just call him Aquaman every time he calls from now on.
annnnnd rest
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