Lady Looks Like A Dude

[customersruinmylife]

There have been a few incidents at the pub over the past few days that have really got us worried. We have noticed a sharp increase of VERY stupid customers, more idiotic than usual, and we have also noticed more aggressive customers. We were really confused about this, and after some investigating, we discovered that an extremely cheap pub on the other side of town has closed down. Because of this, their customers have spread throughout town, and we have ended up with a few of them. The clientele of this pub is known for being awful. When you hear of a fight breaking out in town, nine times out of ten it has happened outside this pub.

What are vegetables?

I was serving a rough looking woman at the bar. She looked like she had just crawled out of a car crash, and immediately decided she needed to go to the pub for lunch.

RW: Can I order the steak and kidney pie? But what are...veg...veg-ta-b-les?
Me: Vegetables?
RW: Yes. Vegetables. What are vegetables?

I have never been asked what vegetables are. I don’t think there are many people that have been. How do you answer that?

Me: The pie comes with a selection of vegetables. Usually carrots and peas, or broccoli and cauliflower.
RW: What are carrots?
Me: Carrots?
RW: Yes. What are they?
Me: An orange vegetable. You know, like Bugs Bunny eats.
RW: Oh, those things. I don’t know if I would like those. I thought they were for animals only. What about cauliflower? What’s that?
Me: It’s a white vegetable, it’s a little similar to broccoli.
RW: Well, I HATE broccoli, so I won’t like that, and I don’t like broccoli, so I won’t eat broccoli, and I don’t want animal food, and I have never eaten peas before.
Me: What about some salad instead?
RW: I’ve never eaten salad before. I don’t think I will like that.
Me: Mashed potato?
RW: Ew! Why would anyone eat mush potato?
Me: Mash. Not mush.
RW: Same thing. I don’t like anything on this menu. I will have a bottle of wine instead.

I wanted a bottle of wine after dealing with her.

She MUST have Salad!

A big family came in for lunch. Mother, father and five kids. They also looked rough. They were loud, obnoxious, and looked as though they have just walked straight out of the TV show Shameless. They ordered food, and before their meals had even arrived they had already made a huge mess with the condiments. I took the meals out to them, and decided to avoid them until they had left. The husband stormed over to me.

H: My wife is waiting for the side salad that comes with her meeeeeeeeal!
Me: The meal your wife ordered does not come with a side salad.
H: Well it does now! She has been waiting for the side salad to come over, so get me a side salad!
Me: It does not come with a side salad. If you want one, I will have to charge you.
H: I’m not paying for something that is supposed to come with the meal in the first place.
Me: Let’s just consult a menu.

I grabbed one off a table, and read the meal out to him. The word “salad” was not mentioned once.

H: Get her the side salad NOW.
Me: Don’t raise your voice at me. The meal does not come with a side salad. You want it, you have to pay for it.
H: She HAS to eat salad at the same time as she eats the rest of her meal! She won’t eat it otherwise!
Me: Well pay for it and it will be out in a few moments.
H: No!
Me: Well no side salad then.

He stormed off back to his table. I went to grab a manager to inform him of what was going on. As we headed back on to the floor, we spotted H running over to a co-worker with the plate in his hand.

H: THIS MEAL HAS GONE COLD NOW! GET ME A NEW MEAL AND A SIDE SALAD! NOW!

He literally shoved the plate into CW’s chest. She let out a loud yelp. Manager ran over.

M: What do you think you are doing? CW, are you OK?
CW: Yeah, I’m just a bit startled.
H: I told you to get me a side salad!
CW: You never told me anything! You just ran over and practically assaulted me with a plate!
H: Then who was I talking to before?
Me: Me! Can’t you tell the difference between a male and female?
H: Where is the side salad?!
M: It does not come with a side salad!
H: My wife will not eat this!
M: Then she’s going hungry. Finish your meals quickly and get the fuck out.
H: Huh...what....huh?!
M: OUT!

He went back to the table. It took about ten minutes for the family to leave, with the husband looking really confused. The wife’s meal was still untouched.

Lady Looks Like a Dude

A customer ran up to the bar.

C: Two men are fighting in the garden!

Several staff ran off the bar and were able to separate the fight. It took some doing, but we were able to calm down the situation and find out what was going on. I spoke to one of the men.

M: I am sorry we were fighting, it’s something that’s been building for months. I’m sorry, I just snapped.
Me: Well look, I appreciate you trying to apologise, but I have had to call the police.
M: OK, I understand that.

The gentleman was very calm about the whole thing, while the other person involved sat dazed in the corner. A few of us kept the two of them separate until the police arrived.

P: And who was involved in the incident?
Me: This gentleman here...
M: GENTLEMAN?!?!
Me: Uhh, yes...
M: I’M A WOMAN!!!!

Oh my God. It was actually a woman. The woman was large, had a shaved head, was wearing a track suit, had a very deep voice and even had facial hair. But it was a woman. The police officer started screaming with laughter and sent me back inside the pub before she tried to attack me.

[Clover]

Okay, the salad guy would have quickly frinked me off to the point of wanting to smack him with his own stupid plate. Kudos to you guys for not backing down and telling him to get out!

And how the heck does someone not know what vegetables are?! My god...I rarely eat the things and I know what they are! Being a carnivore hasn't prevented me from knowing what carrots are! Even my fat old shih tzu knows what carrots are (he likes veggies more than I do)!

As for the last one-I can top that. Once I had a woman in my line at the register when I was doing checkouts, and she looked very pregnant so I asked her when she was due.

She wasn't pregnant. And she wasn't a she. I can still hear my co-worker's howls of laughter...My glasses had broken (my mom sat on them), I couldn't see! It wasn't my fault, but did they let me live it down? Nope. The guy was thankfully nice about it, and when I explained that I had no glasses and couldn't see very well he laughed it off.

[blas]

Not totally your fault. So many men carry their excess fat in only their stomach, that they look like they are expecting. I mean, you should see what some Wisconsin men look like. At least a few out of every dozen men have skinny arms, little chicken legs, and a huge protruding belly.

[thehuckster]

That last one reminds me of one of those old Southwest Airlines commercials where someone makes a major faux pas and in the awkward silence, a voiceover asks, "Wanna get away?"

I feel horrible for you, though. Hopefully someone will fill the void and open a new crappy white trash bar again. I think you've just demonstrated the demographics call for one.

[Crossbow]

How do you go though life and not know what vegetables are? What the hell has she eaten her entire life????

Or did she go from mother's milk straight to booze and just never bother with anything else?

[Gravekeeper]

I admit I'd pay to see the cop laughing at that. >.>

At work we're required to "personalize" calls. Including referring to the caller as sir or ma'am x number of times per call. Which, as you can imagine, is just asking for it when you only have a voice to work with.

[slavetotheman]

Once I had a woman in my line at the register when I was doing checkouts, and she looked very pregnant so I asked her when she was due.

She wasn't pregnant. And she wasn't a she.

Someone very wise once told me to never assume a woman is pregnant unless a) she tells you about it or b) you see the baby fall out.

[telecom_goddess]

Wow...I can't imagine going through life not knowing what vegetables are or not eating them ever....what kind of parents did that woman have anyway?

[thehuckster]

Wow...I can't imagine going through life not knowing what vegetables are or not eating them ever....what kind of parents did that woman have anyway?

Sadly, I know parents who aren't teaching their kids how to eat right, and their dinner consists of Chef Boyardee and Spaghettios. It's really sad, and no amount of criticism from her family will persuade her to change her ways.

Ironically, everyone else in the extended family are really good cooks and eat relatively healthy.

[sirwired]

As for the last one-I can top that. Once I had a woman in my line at the register when I was doing checkouts, and she looked very pregnant so I asked her when she was due.

She wasn't pregnant. And she wasn't a she. I can still hear my co-worker's howls of laughter...My glasses had broken (my mom sat on them), I couldn't see! It wasn't my fault, but did they let me live it down? Nope. The guy was thankfully nice about it, and when I explained that I had no glasses and couldn't see very well he laughed it off.

I follow the advice of the Great Oracle Dave Barry, who has suggested not assuming a woman is pregnant unless you actually see a baby emerging. Making that assumption before that point: There Be a Place Fraught With Great Peril.

[AccountingDrone]

How do you go though life and not know what vegetables are? What the hell has she eaten her entire life????

Or did she go from mother's milk straight to booze and just never bother with anything else?

I would be willing to bet that she lived/lives on takeout and easy meals like frozen pot pies and such. She probably has had all sorts of veggies and never realized it. Hell, even hamburgers frequently come with lettuce, tomato, slice of beet, sprouts, pickles and suchlike. Hell, there are veggies in many curries, and at least in the US when I buy a kebab it comes with a bit of rice pilaf, some pickled turnip and other oddments of a veggie sort.

[Moirae]

wth? The guy about the vegetables thing... is he an alien? lol

[Victoria J]

As for the last one-I can top that. Once I had a woman in my line at the register when I was doing checkouts, and she looked very pregnant so I asked her when she was due.

She wasn't pregnant. And she wasn't a she. I can still hear my co-worker's howls of laughter...My glasses had broken (my mom sat on them), I couldn't see! It wasn't my fault, but did they let me live it down? Nope. The guy was thankfully nice about it, and when I explained that I had no glasses and couldn't see very well he laughed it off.

I've probably told this story before - but I'll tell it anyway because it should make you feel better. I think this is the most offensive misunderstanding I've run into (or potentially so because I found it hilarious).

A long time ago my honourary aunt went on a trip up Mount Kilimanjaro. I have an interest in both birds of prey, and carrion birds including vultures. While there she photographed some vultures eating an antelope carcass, and gave me this picture in a frame as a joke gift. I was a student at the time and it because a joke that if I ever had a job with a desk I could put this up in the way other people have pictures of family. A few years later I actually worked somewhere I could do this.

So a good friend of mine comes up one day, not wearing her glasses, and after a couple of minutes standing by my desk chatting asks "Is that a photo of your mother ?"

I could only wordlessly hand her the thing. I literally couldn't think how to start explaining how wrong she was.

Of course it was also my mother who got us free spa tickets for being insulted. They started by randomly shouting at her for trying to use the lift, lectured her about the stairs and when she explained she was disabled said how sorry they were "Sir". About 2 seconds after saying it the person realised, and the look of horror on their face was such that as the lift closed we were propped against the wall of the lift laughing. She only made the formal complaint because of the disability access issues.

I sometimes get called Sir, and what is odd is that it seems to be random and not linked to looking particularly mannish. Sometimes I probably do look mannish, I have short hair, sometimes wear fairly unisex clothes, big boots, am overweight enough to hide my figure a bit, and if I have been very busy or depressed might have facial hair for a week before getting round to removing it. Last time I got called sir I was well groomed, wearing a feminine colour with cleavage showing and earrings. Luckily I don't care.

Because of this, their customers have spread throughout town, and we have ended up with a few of them. The clientele of this pub is known for being awful. When you hear of a fight breaking out in town, nine times out of ten it has happened outside this pub.

Within a couple of weeks they'll probably be barred from everywhere else. You should get together with the other pubs so you can share information so they only have to be barred once, not once by every other place in town. Surely Mr. Sidesalad and the fighting pair aren't welcome back...

Victoria J

[Seshat]

I would be willing to bet that she lived/lives on takeout and easy meals like frozen pot pies and such. She probably has had all sorts of veggies and never realized it.

If she hasn't, and hasn't had certain rare and specific meats (eg seal blubber), and hasn't had supplements, then she'd have scurvy.

Scurvy symptoms are unmistakeable. CustomersRuinMyLife would have seen her with bleeding gums, teeth either falling out or the gums overgrowing the teeth, visible severe bruising, old scars re-opened, old healed broken bones re-breaking, and in the later stages, everything that requires connective tissues .. failing.

Since CRML didn't mention that, she's eaten fresh (or reasonably fresh) vegetation on a probably-daily basis.

Mind you, chances are she does have some sort of deficiency disease, with the diet she probably has.

[EricKei]

At work we're required to "personalize" calls. Including referring to the caller as sir or ma'am x number of times per call. Which, as you can imagine, is just asking for it when you only have a voice to work with.

Heh...IIRC, this is an issue some of your callers have had ^_^ However, I have watched/listened to the videos you put up on the 'tube. I'm still at a loss with regards to puzzling out how anyone could have made that mistake with you >_<