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The circus that I call a job continues.....
Spelling
Me: "and your name?"
SC: "Sarah"
Me: "…Sarah?"
SC: "No one knows how to spell my name so I'm giving you my wife's name!"
I beg to differ, I know perfectly well how to spell "Jackass".
Yeah, I have that, thanks.
Me: "I'll get that message to her in the morning"
SC: "Great. You know her cell number, right?"
Nope! Not a clue. In fact I have no contact information for her at all despite the fact she's been a client for 6 years. I'm just pretending so you'll go away. Clearly my deception was not intricate enough to fool your devilishly powers of perception. I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids.
High Fashion
The caller made a point of describing every item she wished to order and pointing out her preferred colours of choice. Unfortunately this allowed me to visualize the outfit she was attempting to achieve. Pink camo top, pink pants and green shoes. Oh hell yes, now there's a fashion statement. Of course, the statement is "Please shoot me with a tranquilizer rifle from a low flying helicopter so that I may be tagged with a radio tracker to allow scientists to track my migratory behaviour.". But a fashion statement none the less.
Hurdles
Me:"Ok, by credit card or CoD?"
SC: "CoD"
Me: "Alright-"
SC: "How you would you like that I pay for it?"
Me: "You can pay for it when it arrives-"
SC: "Can I pay you on Tuesday?"
Me: "…you can pay for it when it arrives, in about two weeks."
SC: "So I can pay it on Tuesday?"
Me: "You can pay for it at the post office in about two weeks."
SC: "Ok"
Well, you did seem to know what COD was…..so we passed the first hurdle. But you totally face planted on that second hurdle, didn't you? Do you need a bandaid or something? Tilt your head back, that helps stop the bleeding.
I know, God do I know.
"America West sucks big time"
Preaching to the choir, sister.
Shift Commentary
I, perhaps foolishly, elected to hit MoneyMart this evening to save me a trip to the bank after I get off work this morning. There was, however, a fatal flaw in my plan I was not aware of. Namely that the closest MoneyMart to Edmonds station is two stations down…..in Surrey. Let me tell you, going into Surrey on the Skytrain at night is far more entertaining then it is during the day. Not to mention going to MoneyMart…..not only did I get stuck in line behind two crackheads trying to get a payday loan "in small bills" for their respective fixes……but by walking into MoneyMart I have just signalled to every hobo, druggie and miscreant outside that I am alone, it is dark and I am probably carrying a significant amount of cash.
Needless to say I returned post haste to the Skytrain amid the shifty, outstretched hands of the denizens of the night. One of them even tried to bum change off me halfway across the crosswalk in the middle of the street. Oh yes, that's wise. If I stop to give you a quarter we'll probably both be maimed. I don't trust most Vancouver drivers not to kill me in broad daylight, nevermind at night in the rain.
Daily Double
Me: "What city are you in?"
SC: "The airport."
Many have tried that answer before and all have failed. But, as I have said before, I am a forgiving soul. I will give you put one more chance to redeem yourself and figure out where the hell you are. In fact, I will give you 30 seconds to accomplish this relatively simple feat. So put the phone down, take a look around, wipe the drool off your chin, read some signs or try asking someone nearby that appears to have more of a clue then you do. If you want me, I'll be over here humming the Jeopardy theme.
Persistence
Me: "Good evening, <Company Name> Roofing"
SC: "Yellow cab?"
Me: "No, sorry. You have the wrong number."
SC: "Can I get a cab?"
Me: "You have the wrong number."
SC: "I need a cab."
Me: "You have the wrong number!"
Will I do admire your persistence; you will still be utterly defeated by a pesky thing called "reality".
Surprise!
Me: "Do you have a pen ready?"
SC: "Uhhhhhh……..actually, I do have a pen!"
Sad part is I'm just as surprised as you are.
Telepathy
Me: "are you calling for an information package?"
SC: "Oh God, no"
Hah, you read my mind.
Dell....
Dell only sells laptops to idiots. I just wanted to take a moment to point that out.
.....Dell
Caller indicated he did not need our anti-theft software because he carries a gun with him everywhere he goes. Alrighty then.
Ok, I'm an adult. I can admit when I'm wrong. Dell doesn't sell laptops to idiots. Dell only sells laptops to idiots and lunatics.
Shift Commentary
"Wow, why are you hungry?"
Wow, not even at the office yet and already a stupid question. Thank you 7/11 guy for kick starting my evening!
Charmed
Caller complained that her heat wouldn't turn down so it was too hot in her unit. ( So open a window? ). She was insistent that this was a huge problem ( As she is "old and asmatic", so I must take automatically do whatever she says ). So I passed it on to <clientname> ( Because I know he loves this kind of thing…. ).
Sometime later she calls back, enraged, because <client> called her back and told her to word for word to just open a damn window. ( Hah! ). She once again reminds me that she is old and asmatic ( and I guess cannot operate windows ). She then basically tells me that if she dies, its my fault. I disagree. If you perish because you can't figure out how to open a window, that's natural selection at work.
She actually told me "On your head be it!" like some sort of witch's curse. Hrm, maybe I should be throwing salt over my shoulder or something.
Random Trivia
Caller asked approximately 5 stupid questions ( Yes, I counted. ) thus tripling the length of time it took to actually book her a room. ( You go girl. ). She also, for no rational reason, informed me that a cab would add $20 to the price of any hotel room ( Regardless of time or distance to the hotel apparently. ). Not because it was relevant in any way shape or form to the conversation. But just "so you know".
The hotel she booked had free shuttle service.
867!
"867" is the area code of the damned. It's where braincells go to die. Where Canada, for our protection , ships those too dimwitted to function in normal society without driving the rest of us crazy. It's a concentration camp for those among us that can’t figure out how to operate a doorknob. It's a dark, terrifying epicenter of all that is dumb whose sole function is to periodically call the rest of us in an attempt to suck us into its deep, frightening recesses like a black whirlpool that feeds on the IQ of others. It’s a frothing swamp full of intellectual leeches that desire nothing more then to drain the very mental capacity out of your skull like some sort of terrible brain vampire.
To sum it up, everyone there is stupid.
867!!!! <sob>
Me: "I only have that item in large."
SC: "Do you have it in small?"
See?! Brain vampires! BRAIN VAMPIRES!@ Sweet baby Jeebus, someone get me a knife or a helmet or something to protect myself with!
Um....
( First thing she asked when I picked up the line )
SC: "Do you have a daughter?"
……not that I'm aware of and if I ever did this is definitely not how I'd want to be informed of it. You're not from the Maury Povich show, are you?
Diplomatic Relations
Caller explained that he was in the military ( I guess this lends to his street cred or something ) and that the filthy Canadian police had arrested his wife and he was just looking for some help from "ma govermant". I asked him what she was being charged with. He said nothing….I pointed out that she had not been arrested, but was just in custody. He explained that she was mugged. He also specified it was "by a bunch of Canadians". I don't know how he figured that out. After all, we do travel in single file to hide our numbers. ( God help you if you get that. ).
Of course she was in fact just being interviewed as a witness…..but hey, don't let me interrupt you and your feeble grasp on the legal system.
( Yes, the irony that he's calling the US government for help and speaking with a Canadian is not lost on me. ^^ )
Wrong Numbers, AGAIN
Me: "You have the wrong number."
SC: "Why?"
….why? Because you dialed wrong? Because you're half drunk? Because you're not paying attention? Because you have the intellectual prowess of wet cardboard? Because your parents were brother and sister? Hell, I don't know. Pick one and get off my line.
Tech Support
SC: "Yeah hi, I called over half an hour ago!-"
Mhmm…actually, you called approximately 14 minutes ago according to my case files. So unless you're calling me from the future I would suggest that you are, in fact, full of steamy bovine caca.
867!$#!%
Me: "What size did you want?"
SC: "2 times."
Hrm, wait, let me check my Moron to English dictionary….ah ha! You mean 2XL. I see what you did there. You were showing off your mad l33t grade 2 math skillz. Bravo.
Sigh
Me: "-and your phone number?"
SC: "xxx-xxxx"
Me: "Ok-"
SC: "Postal code 705."
…..right. That'll do pig, that'll do.
Cheeriness
As usual gotta toss in one coworker story:
EG = Evening girl who gets off as my shift starts. Yes, the Mario 64 one.
Me: Moi, of course.
( As I walk in the door )
EG: "Hi, Gravekeeper!"
Me: "..why are you so damn cheery?
EG: "Because I get to go home soon!"
Me: "I will *not* tolerate that kind of cheerfulness when I first walk into the office."
EG: "Oh, well sorry. *(&$@ you, Gravekeeper!"
Me: "That's more like it."
-.-
Spelling
Me: "and your name?"
SC: "Sarah"
Me: "…Sarah?"
SC: "No one knows how to spell my name so I'm giving you my wife's name!"
I beg to differ, I know perfectly well how to spell "Jackass".
Yeah, I have that, thanks.
Me: "I'll get that message to her in the morning"
SC: "Great. You know her cell number, right?"
Nope! Not a clue. In fact I have no contact information for her at all despite the fact she's been a client for 6 years. I'm just pretending so you'll go away. Clearly my deception was not intricate enough to fool your devilishly powers of perception. I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids.
High Fashion
The caller made a point of describing every item she wished to order and pointing out her preferred colours of choice. Unfortunately this allowed me to visualize the outfit she was attempting to achieve. Pink camo top, pink pants and green shoes. Oh hell yes, now there's a fashion statement. Of course, the statement is "Please shoot me with a tranquilizer rifle from a low flying helicopter so that I may be tagged with a radio tracker to allow scientists to track my migratory behaviour.". But a fashion statement none the less.
Hurdles
Me:"Ok, by credit card or CoD?"
SC: "CoD"
Me: "Alright-"
SC: "How you would you like that I pay for it?"
Me: "You can pay for it when it arrives-"
SC: "Can I pay you on Tuesday?"
Me: "…you can pay for it when it arrives, in about two weeks."
SC: "So I can pay it on Tuesday?"
Me: "You can pay for it at the post office in about two weeks."
SC: "Ok"
Well, you did seem to know what COD was…..so we passed the first hurdle. But you totally face planted on that second hurdle, didn't you? Do you need a bandaid or something? Tilt your head back, that helps stop the bleeding.
I know, God do I know.
"America West sucks big time"
Preaching to the choir, sister.
Shift Commentary
I, perhaps foolishly, elected to hit MoneyMart this evening to save me a trip to the bank after I get off work this morning. There was, however, a fatal flaw in my plan I was not aware of. Namely that the closest MoneyMart to Edmonds station is two stations down…..in Surrey. Let me tell you, going into Surrey on the Skytrain at night is far more entertaining then it is during the day. Not to mention going to MoneyMart…..not only did I get stuck in line behind two crackheads trying to get a payday loan "in small bills" for their respective fixes……but by walking into MoneyMart I have just signalled to every hobo, druggie and miscreant outside that I am alone, it is dark and I am probably carrying a significant amount of cash.
Needless to say I returned post haste to the Skytrain amid the shifty, outstretched hands of the denizens of the night. One of them even tried to bum change off me halfway across the crosswalk in the middle of the street. Oh yes, that's wise. If I stop to give you a quarter we'll probably both be maimed. I don't trust most Vancouver drivers not to kill me in broad daylight, nevermind at night in the rain.
Daily Double
Me: "What city are you in?"
SC: "The airport."
Many have tried that answer before and all have failed. But, as I have said before, I am a forgiving soul. I will give you put one more chance to redeem yourself and figure out where the hell you are. In fact, I will give you 30 seconds to accomplish this relatively simple feat. So put the phone down, take a look around, wipe the drool off your chin, read some signs or try asking someone nearby that appears to have more of a clue then you do. If you want me, I'll be over here humming the Jeopardy theme.
Persistence
Me: "Good evening, <Company Name> Roofing"
SC: "Yellow cab?"
Me: "No, sorry. You have the wrong number."
SC: "Can I get a cab?"
Me: "You have the wrong number."
SC: "I need a cab."
Me: "You have the wrong number!"
Will I do admire your persistence; you will still be utterly defeated by a pesky thing called "reality".
Surprise!
Me: "Do you have a pen ready?"
SC: "Uhhhhhh……..actually, I do have a pen!"
Sad part is I'm just as surprised as you are.
Telepathy
Me: "are you calling for an information package?"
SC: "Oh God, no"
Hah, you read my mind.
Dell....
Dell only sells laptops to idiots. I just wanted to take a moment to point that out.
.....Dell
Caller indicated he did not need our anti-theft software because he carries a gun with him everywhere he goes. Alrighty then.
Ok, I'm an adult. I can admit when I'm wrong. Dell doesn't sell laptops to idiots. Dell only sells laptops to idiots and lunatics.
Shift Commentary
"Wow, why are you hungry?"
Wow, not even at the office yet and already a stupid question. Thank you 7/11 guy for kick starting my evening!
Charmed
Caller complained that her heat wouldn't turn down so it was too hot in her unit. ( So open a window? ). She was insistent that this was a huge problem ( As she is "old and asmatic", so I must take automatically do whatever she says ). So I passed it on to <clientname> ( Because I know he loves this kind of thing…. ).
Sometime later she calls back, enraged, because <client> called her back and told her to word for word to just open a damn window. ( Hah! ). She once again reminds me that she is old and asmatic ( and I guess cannot operate windows ). She then basically tells me that if she dies, its my fault. I disagree. If you perish because you can't figure out how to open a window, that's natural selection at work.
She actually told me "On your head be it!" like some sort of witch's curse. Hrm, maybe I should be throwing salt over my shoulder or something.
Random Trivia
Caller asked approximately 5 stupid questions ( Yes, I counted. ) thus tripling the length of time it took to actually book her a room. ( You go girl. ). She also, for no rational reason, informed me that a cab would add $20 to the price of any hotel room ( Regardless of time or distance to the hotel apparently. ). Not because it was relevant in any way shape or form to the conversation. But just "so you know".
The hotel she booked had free shuttle service.
867!
"867" is the area code of the damned. It's where braincells go to die. Where Canada, for our protection , ships those too dimwitted to function in normal society without driving the rest of us crazy. It's a concentration camp for those among us that can’t figure out how to operate a doorknob. It's a dark, terrifying epicenter of all that is dumb whose sole function is to periodically call the rest of us in an attempt to suck us into its deep, frightening recesses like a black whirlpool that feeds on the IQ of others. It’s a frothing swamp full of intellectual leeches that desire nothing more then to drain the very mental capacity out of your skull like some sort of terrible brain vampire.
To sum it up, everyone there is stupid.
867!!!! <sob>
Me: "I only have that item in large."
SC: "Do you have it in small?"
See?! Brain vampires! BRAIN VAMPIRES!@ Sweet baby Jeebus, someone get me a knife or a helmet or something to protect myself with!
Um....
( First thing she asked when I picked up the line )
SC: "Do you have a daughter?"
……not that I'm aware of and if I ever did this is definitely not how I'd want to be informed of it. You're not from the Maury Povich show, are you?
Diplomatic Relations
Caller explained that he was in the military ( I guess this lends to his street cred or something ) and that the filthy Canadian police had arrested his wife and he was just looking for some help from "ma govermant". I asked him what she was being charged with. He said nothing….I pointed out that she had not been arrested, but was just in custody. He explained that she was mugged. He also specified it was "by a bunch of Canadians". I don't know how he figured that out. After all, we do travel in single file to hide our numbers. ( God help you if you get that. ).
Of course she was in fact just being interviewed as a witness…..but hey, don't let me interrupt you and your feeble grasp on the legal system.
( Yes, the irony that he's calling the US government for help and speaking with a Canadian is not lost on me. ^^ )
Wrong Numbers, AGAIN
Me: "You have the wrong number."
SC: "Why?"
….why? Because you dialed wrong? Because you're half drunk? Because you're not paying attention? Because you have the intellectual prowess of wet cardboard? Because your parents were brother and sister? Hell, I don't know. Pick one and get off my line.
Tech Support
SC: "Yeah hi, I called over half an hour ago!-"
Mhmm…actually, you called approximately 14 minutes ago according to my case files. So unless you're calling me from the future I would suggest that you are, in fact, full of steamy bovine caca.
867!$#!%
Me: "What size did you want?"
SC: "2 times."
Hrm, wait, let me check my Moron to English dictionary….ah ha! You mean 2XL. I see what you did there. You were showing off your mad l33t grade 2 math skillz. Bravo.
Sigh
Me: "-and your phone number?"
SC: "xxx-xxxx"
Me: "Ok-"
SC: "Postal code 705."
…..right. That'll do pig, that'll do.
Cheeriness
As usual gotta toss in one coworker story:
EG = Evening girl who gets off as my shift starts. Yes, the Mario 64 one.
Me: Moi, of course.
( As I walk in the door )
EG: "Hi, Gravekeeper!"
Me: "..why are you so damn cheery?
EG: "Because I get to go home soon!"
Me: "I will *not* tolerate that kind of cheerfulness when I first walk into the office."
EG: "Oh, well sorry. *(&$@ you, Gravekeeper!"
Me: "That's more like it."
-.-
Sounds like conversations I've had with coworkers. 
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