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Wherein My Sexual Orientation Is Called Into Question

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  • Wherein My Sexual Orientation Is Called Into Question

    Couple rather...special....callers this week. >.>



    Never Give Up

    Me: “Good evening, <company>”
    SC: “Is this Yellow Cab?”
    Me: “No, sorry.”
    SC: “Black Top Taxi?”

    Your refusal to give up hope is admirable, but I fear you are only setting yourself up for even greater disappointment. Walk away man, walk away.




    Whiskey Tailor Foxtrot


    SC: “Hallo?”
    Me: “Hi.”
    SC: “Yesh, masha finda toad, uh. Coat.”

    Oh wow. You, my friend, are sloshed. I have absolutely no idea what you just said beyond “Coat”. Everything before it was a rambling mishmash of sounds that tried to make it from your brain to your mouth but ended up drowning in a river of whiskey somewhere inbetween.


    Me: “What was that, sorry?”
    SC: “Double breshted, double coat.”
    Me: “This is regarding a product?”
    SC: “Colour ish blark.”

    Well, that bunch was smart enough to use a boat to cross the river. Sadly, their boat was still set upon by Captain Morgan half way across.


    SC: “Yesh, I’m on innanet. Item eshkey.”

    …Eshkey? I’m…not 100% sure what an eshkey is to be honest. I assume because I don’t have a blood alcohol content high enough to kill mosquitoes.


    SC: “Jush throughtesh niece.”
    Me: “I’m sorry?”
    SC: “Jush throughtesh niece.”

    This is actually kind of amazing in a way. Normally with an inebriated caller I can still grasp the general gist of what they’re saying. But you, my friend, I haven’t the slightest idea what it is you’re trying to communicate to me. It’s actually kind of impressive you’re still conscious and haven’t been hospitalized.


    SC: “I’m trynna order”

    Oh Lord help you. And me. Ordering requires that you provide me with a substantial amount of accurate information. Seeing as it took you near a full two minutes just to explain you wanted to place an order, this doesn’t bode well for the future.


    Me: “What size?”
    SC: “My neck is, uh, 90 inches wide”

    …Your neck is 90 inches? Um….well, I guess that actually helps me out a bit. I was worried I wouldn’t even be able to get a name out of you for your order. But your dimensions have given it away.

    Tell me, do you prefer “Jabba The Hutt” or just “Jabba T. Hutt”?


    Me: “I’m sorry…you wanted what size?”
    SC: “Neck is 40 inchs long….no, 20 inchs…..bout 55 inchs long I guess.”

    That was a joke. I was joking. Please stop and just give me an actual, reasonable size you would like to order.


    SC: “Shoulder ish bout 57 inches….butt is 47 inches wide….”

    You are painting a most terrifying image.


    SC: “and ma arms is 35 inches long.”

    Ok, let me see if I have this horrifying mental image right: Your neck is 7 and a half feet wide and 4 and a half feet tall. Your shoulders are also around 4 and a half feet wide. Your butt is 4 feet wide and your arms are around 3 feet long?

    So….basically……you have the figure of Shaggy from Scooby Doo, wearing an ice cream cone costume?




    The Octagon

    Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
    SC: “BIRDFIGHTER HAT!!!”

    ..I….what? I feel like I just walked in on a particularly drunken game of Mad Libs. What exactly is a “Birdfighter Hat”? Ignoring the obvious question of why someone would actively be looking to fight birds, exactly what kind of hat does one wear in order to engage birds in combat?

    Alright…so….it’s a UFC hat? That….that confuses me even more I must admit. Is Bird Fighter a legitimate title or style of combat in the UFC? Or do they just throw one man with a bag of French fries into the octagon with 40 seagulls? Come to think of it, that would be awesome. I would totally watch that.




    By Your Powers Combined

    SC: “The smell is awful!”

    Again? You know, almost every call we've taken over the last two weeks is you and you alone. Are you sure the problem isn’t just that your place alone stinks?


    SC: “I’m losing my voice!”

    Then there is a God and he has listened to my pleas.



    SC: “No one else has called?”

    Nope. No one. Ever. You are the only one who ever calls about this from that building.


    SC: “They’re so lucky that there’s so many Chinese and East Indians living here.”

    What…does that even mean? I mean I know you’re being
    racist…..somehow……..again, but I don’t understand how and that actually makes it worse. I know I should be offended, but I can’t understand why. Which is probably why no one ever calls you on it. Because they never quite understand exactly what you’re trying to imply.



    Ok?


    Me: “And would like to leave a secondary phone number?”
    SC: “Yeah! Secondary’s are great!”

    Um….sure. If you say so? I wasn’t aware having multiple phone numbers was something to get really excited over. But very well, if that is the case: Viva la…um….second lines? ….Are you sure this is something exciting? Sorry, it just strikes me as somewhat mundane. I could be mistaken of course. But I’ve never seen a bumper sticker that read “Ladies, You Can Reach Me At My Other Number”.



    Oh God
    ( Apparently I pronounce certain words "wrong" >.> )

    SC: “You’re not from around here, are you boy?”

    ...W...What? Of course I am! I am 100% completely American. I…um….I love baseball, yeah! Baseball and…..uh…and…..Nascar? Yeah, Nascar. My favourite is that one guy, that…uh…the guy with the moustache…he…he drives really well. Um. In a circle. Yeah.

    Oh God, please don't tell me I have "purdy lips".




    Wow, Dude

    SC: “You’re only answering calls in case of an emergency, right?”
    Me: “Yes.”
    SC: “Well that’s what it is! ……..but it’s not an emergency though.”

    Alllright. You sound just a little bit inebriated over there.


    SC: “CAN I GET STEVE TO PHONE ME BACK!??!”

    Cripes!! Volume, Skippy, volume! Indoor voice. Remember your indoor voice.


    Me: “What exactly is the problem you’re having?”
    SC: “Well, I think you’re the problem, number one.”

    …..Careful, Icarus.


    Me: “Do you know his last name? There are a couple of Steve's in the office.”
    SC: “STEVE! ….uh, hold on. You’re making things….difficult.”

    I’m not making things difficult. Whiskey is making things difficult.


    SC: “How’s the mesash, hersh the message, ok? CONTACT! Stesh”
    Me: “Pardon?”
    SC: “What?”
    Me: “I didn’t understand what you said, sorry.”
    SC: “Well that’s because you interrupted me!”

    …..Noooo, it’s because you’re talking like Daffy Duck with a 40oz in him.



    SC: “That’s why you don’t follow proper instrushions.”

    You’re absolutely correct sir. I shall review these ”Instrushions” immediately to ensure this never happens again.


    SC: “Contact….<proceeds to scream his name at me letter by letter>”
    Me: “There’s no need to yell, sir.”
    SC: “Oh, sorry, was I being vocal?”

    Yes….”vocal” is putting it politely.


    SC: “I’m at <address>. That’s in Vancouver.”

    ….are....are you seriously pulling the “Snotty 8 year old girl” voice on me?


    SC: “That’s in British Columbia. Why don’t I just give you my postal code, hm? So you can figure out where it is.”

    You are. Oh, bravo. Here I was thinking this call couldn’t get any better and you went and found some icing for the cake. Bless your heart.


    SC: “My instrushions are to buy a lawyer!”

    Er,right. Two things: 1) What? and C) Can you buy lawyers? I thought you hired them. But yes, now that you have explained the instrushions, you are correct in that I have no followed them. I apologize.


    SC: “It’s not important, it’s not an emergency, it’s not urgent. But just in case I punch, I don't know, my manager.”

    Now you’re suggesting violence against your building manager? Wow, you’re just going all out here aren’t you. You realize that not only is this all recorded, but you’ve already helpfully provided me with your name and address, right?


    Me: “Is there any message you’d like me to leave?”
    SC: “Why?! You don’t even know what Steve it’s for!”

    Wait, how is that my fault now?


    Me: “All I can do is leave a general message for the office-“
    SC: “Thash exactly what I asked you to do!!”
    Me: “Yes…that’s what I’m asking, what message would you like me to leave?”
    SC: “Well, will it be urgent? Will it be marked what? What do you wanna mark it?”

    We are now at the 7 minute mark of these shenanighans. I tire.


    Me: “Alright, look. Sir, would you like to leave a message? Otherwise I’m going to have to terminate this call.”
    SC: "YEAH I KNOW YOU WILL, YOU FUCKING FAGGOT"

    Ah. Excellent. Homophobic slurs. Classy. Welp, I know someone I’m not talking too anymore! I bet you’ll never guess who it is! Go on, guess. You have until I reach the disconnect key.



    Good For You

    SC: “I ordered a pants.”

    ….Did you now? You must be thrilled. Did they fit? It would be a shame if you couldn’t fit into a pants. Then you’d have to order another a pants.



    Wow, Dude II

    SC: “Is this the same fucker I just talked too?”
    Me: "Why yes, yes it is, and I refuse to provide you with any service whatsoever. Goodbye, sir."
    SC: "<incoherent rage sputter>"

    How kind of you to offer me a second chance to hang up on you. The first time was fairly satisifying, but didn't quite scratch the entire itch.



    Why Thank You

    C: “You have the most amazing telephone voice.”

    .....please don't tell me I have "purdy lips".





    Just The Messenger

    C: “Can I page them again without, you know, jeopardizing what you do there?”

    Awww, your concern for my continued employment is sweet. But I fear I am merely a dispatch. It is you who must face her wrath alone, young Padawan. Prepare yourself. Know that I am with you in spirit!





    Wow Dude III

    SC: “Can I leave a message?”
    Me: “No, I refuse to speak with you. You may call the office in the morning if you want, but we will not be providing you service."
    SC: “You know my manager is a lesbian, a fag like you should get along with her.”

    Once again, I thank you kindly for leaving me all of your information in the first call. Including your name, phone number and address. I'm sure your building manager will be quite thrilled to learn you threatened to punch her in the face in a homophobic rage.

    You may want to begin apartment hunting. But I wouldn't count on a reference.




    annnnd rest. -.-

  • #2
    /sniffles

    I wish I had been allowed to hang up on stupid people.

    Comment


    • #3
      Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
      Can you buy lawyers?
      Sadly, Vancouver hasn't emancipated the lawyers after 300 years of injustice. It's really sad.
      Fiancee: We're going to need to do laundry. I'm out of clean pants.
      Me: Sounds like a job for Gravekeeper!
      Fiancee: What?!
      Me: Nevermind.

      Comment


      • #4
        Quoth thehuckster View Post
        Sadly, Vancouver hasn't emancipated the lawyers after 300 years of injustice. It's really sad.
        But... but...

        Are they sapient?
        I am not an a**hole. I am a hemorrhoid. I irritate a**holes!
        Procrastination: Forward planning to insure there is something to do tomorrow.
        Derails threads faster than a pocket nuke.

        Comment


        • #5
          You have real purdy lips. *runs*
          To right the countless wrongs of our days... We shine this light of true redemption, that this place may become as paradise...Oh, what a wonderful world such would be...

          Comment


          • #6
            Quoth Gravekeeper View Post

            I’m not making things difficult. Whiskey is making things difficult.
            Hey, what did poor Whiskey ever do to you? I'm afraid I can't take your side if you start blaming other CSers

            Quoth Gravekeeper View Post

            SC: “I ordered a pants.”

            ….Did you now? You must be thrilled. Did they fit? It would be a shame if you couldn’t fit into a pants. Then you’d have to order another a pants.
            I suspect that if a pants don't fit, they'll give up on them and try ordering b pants instead

            Quoth Gravekeeper View Post

            C: “You have the most amazing telephone voice.”

            .....please don't tell me I have "purdy lips".
            I suspect this might be yet another person who mistakenly believes you provide those phone services. Run.
            Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -Groucho Marx

            Comment


            • #7
              Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
              I feel like I just walked in on a particularly drunken game of Mad Libs.
              You make it sound like a bad thing.
              Unseen but seeing
              oh dear, now they're masquerading as sane-KiaKat
              There isn't enough interpretive dance in the workplace these days-Irv
              3rd shift needs love, too
              RIP, mo bhrionglóid

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                SC: “Jush throughtesh niece.”
                Just so you know; he "thought it was nice."

                Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                So….basically……you have the figure of Shaggy from Scooby Doo, wearing an ice cream cone costume?
                This has me repressing giggles so that my coworkers don't come round to make sure I haven't snapped.

                My imagery wasn't quite so... interesting. I was thinking more along the lines of, say, polar bear measurements. Which, if correct, means that it wasn't a very drunk human, but a very smart polar bear.

                Who was likely still very drunk.

                Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                SC: “They’re so lucky that there’s so many Chinese and East Indians living here.”
                She's trying to say that Chinese and Indians stink so much on their own that they therefore can't tell that the building stinks.

                She's not really that subtle, you just haven't run into this particular strain of bigotry before.

                Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                Wow, Dude
                Wow, Dude II
                Wow Dude III
                Wow. That one was just all sorts of lose.

                Not only must it feel so very satisfying to hang up on their asses, but to then go ahead and let the people they've been threatening committing bodily harm against know just what they've been up to while in a drunken stupor.

                ^-.-^
                Faith is about what you do. It's about aspiring to be better and nobler and kinder than you are. It's about making sacrifices for the good of others. - Dresden

                Comment


                • #9


                  I just got to work after a few days off. I was dreading coming in, having to commence yet another week dealing with one f*cknut after another
                  Your stories here have made me lol, and smile
                  Last edited by Dave1982; 10-05-2011, 07:13 PM. Reason: Excessive quoting

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth Gravekeeper
                    Ok, let me see if I have this horrifying mental image right: Your neck is 7 and a half feet wide and 4 and a half feet tall. Your shoulders are also around 4 and a half feet wide. Your butt is 4 feet wide and your arms are around 3 feet long?


                    I'm crying here. Seriously.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I literally had tears streaming down my face laughing at shaggy-the-hut, then I had to take a break in the middle of reading the post to run to the toilet because I was laughing so hard I was worried I'd wet myself. So very very funny.

                      Quoth Andara Bledin View Post
                      My imagery wasn't quite so... interesting. I was thinking more along the lines of, say, polar bear measurements. Which, if correct, means that it wasn't a very drunk human, but a very smart polar bear.

                      Who was likely still very drunk.
                      Drunk, almost certainly. But a bear would only wear armour. Also polar bears would still have larger bottoms than necks, so the measurements given would still be insane. They also have relatively short legs.

                      I like to think they are also above bothering gravekeeper even when drunk.

                      Quoth Andara Bledin View Post
                      She's trying to say that Chinese and Indians stink so much on their own that they therefore can't tell that the building stinks.

                      She's not really that subtle, you just haven't run into this particular strain of bigotry before.
                      This is the most likely explanation but not the only one. It could be non-racist, and she thinks the building managers are just getting away with it because so many people don't know their rights or can't communicate in English and therefore aren't reporting. I think it's unlikely that's what she means given the general level of sanity shown. Alternatively it could be a stark staring mad explanation - maybe she believes Chinese people don't have noses or something similar. That I'd believe from one of gravekeeper's callers.

                      Victoria J

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I henceforth plan to tell people I bought, or am buying, a pants, every time I buy a pants.

                        If I'm particularly affluent, I might even buy a shoes to go with them.
                        Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

                        "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Quoth Victoria J View Post
                          I literally had tears streaming down my face laughing at shaggy-the-hut, then I had to take a break in the middle of reading the post to run to the toilet because I was laughing so hard I was worried I'd wet myself.

                          *snip*
                          Victoria J
                          AND before I spit milk all over my keyboard ...

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Quoth Andara Bledin View Post
                            My imagery wasn't quite so... interesting. I was thinking more along the lines of, say, polar bear measurements. Which, if correct, means that it wasn't a very drunk human, but a very smart polar bear.
                            OH MY GOD, STEPHEN COLBERT WAS RIGHT!!!

                            These Godless killing machines have learned our language! Now they are trying to buy up all of the phone order clothing they can so that the hunters of the North can't go outside to hunt the bears... allowing the bears to grow in number and start moving south!

                            I'm about halfway between GK and his customers... I'll start posting signs at the local clothing stores. The bears won't start going to WalMart until they have to...

                            If you don't hear from me for a while, arm up and be ready!
                            "Kamala the Ugandan Giant" 1950-2020 • "Bullet" Bob Armstrong 1939-2020 • "Road Warrior Animal" 1960-2020 • "Zeus" Tiny Lister Jr. 1958-2020 • "Hacksaw" Butch Reed 1954-2021 • "New Jack" Jerome Young 1963-2021 • "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff 1949-2021 • "Beautiful" Bobby Eaton 1958-2021 • Daffney 1975-2021

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
                              SC: “BIRDFIGHTER HAT!!!”
                              You gotta wear something to fight the Angry Birds, man. Just sayin'.
                              When you start at zero, everything's progress.

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