Tweet
So I gave my notice at the laundromat because I got a job closer to my house! This is my farewell letter to all those wonderful* customers** I have come to know and love*** at the old laund-o-rama.
Bitchy Hick Woman with Loads of Annoying Teenaged Kids.
You only ever bring tons of drying, and then you leave it til the last possible moment. Sure, I love staying until 9:30 instead of being able to leave at 9, all because you and your insufferable brood decided to spend 2 hours at Pizzeria Uno instead of picking up your dried clothes that have been sitting here.
You have the dubious honor of being the only customer to bitch about the owner's adorable, gentle golder retriever coming here once in a blue moon. But this is because you hate joy and happiness.
Stuck Up Woman
You stalk in, with nary a smile or kind word to us, clad in sweatpants with "juicy" written on them. Even though you come to this laundromat every week, you think you are better than all of us who also go here. I love having cash and mumbled requests just thrown at me. Oh, and that time you passive-aggressively hogged on of our giant dryers because you felt like folding the items from it one at a time, instead of putting them into a cart and freeing the dryer for the poor man waiting for it? MWAH, honey, that was truly bitchery of the finest order! Also, your kids are little monsters and budding psychopaths who hurt each other with glee, even though they are far too old to be biting anyone. But at least they make eye contact and say hi, which is more than I can say for you!
Crazy OCD Woman
Keep checking those detergent and softener traps for dirt over and over again, babe! I'm sure that one of them will magically self-clean upon the 4th or 5th glance. And who am I to complain when you feed quarters into the wrong dryer by accident, but won't switch your clothes because "I choose my dryers very carefully"! Hey, they're your quarters.
Gross Pervert DOIN IT RONG.
Somebody should really tell you that when you are trying to pick up women at the laundromat, your opening lines should not include your devoted wife and adult children. Especially do not show pictures of them as you sleaze your way into their personal space. There was no need to inform me, as you partook of our ginger lily hand lotion, that you "are not a woman, but a man"! I know. And you certainly need not reassure me that you are not "a gay". The photo evidence of your heterosexual procreation was enough to convince me. Also: I don't care. I really don't.
Bed and Breakfast Couple
So named because no one could possibly have this many comforters and not be running a thriving hotel. You have no kids! How many beds do you even have? It's enough to bogart all of our giant washers. And you come in every week. Need I ask what the heck you two could be doing to dirty 53 bedspreads every week? Wait, nevermind.
Speaking of hotels...
Drunken Radisson Guy
You'd drive down in your van and park it haphazardly across our entire fire lane. You brought only white towels and played dumb so I'd do you laundry for you. Nope! Last time you roped the poor desk clerk into coming with you then drove away, leaving her to babysit the laundry. She had to get a ride home with a friend. But it's just as well; your slurred speech, swaying body and general mental dimness makes me seriously doubt your sobriety.
Rain Man
You look like a cross between the Comic Book Guy and a serial killer. You have 20 identical Batman t-shirts and wear ONLY Batman t-shirts every single day. You talk to objects and yourself incessantly and somehow decided that I was your sweetie.
You're a pain in the ass and honestly, I'm a little afraid you might stuff me in an oil drum someday whilst quoting Sun Tzu and bragging about how high your IQ is. Just go away forever.
More to come as I remember them!
*pain in the ass
**EWs
***dread with every fiber of my being
Bitchy Hick Woman with Loads of Annoying Teenaged Kids.
You only ever bring tons of drying, and then you leave it til the last possible moment. Sure, I love staying until 9:30 instead of being able to leave at 9, all because you and your insufferable brood decided to spend 2 hours at Pizzeria Uno instead of picking up your dried clothes that have been sitting here.
You have the dubious honor of being the only customer to bitch about the owner's adorable, gentle golder retriever coming here once in a blue moon. But this is because you hate joy and happiness.
Stuck Up Woman
You stalk in, with nary a smile or kind word to us, clad in sweatpants with "juicy" written on them. Even though you come to this laundromat every week, you think you are better than all of us who also go here. I love having cash and mumbled requests just thrown at me. Oh, and that time you passive-aggressively hogged on of our giant dryers because you felt like folding the items from it one at a time, instead of putting them into a cart and freeing the dryer for the poor man waiting for it? MWAH, honey, that was truly bitchery of the finest order! Also, your kids are little monsters and budding psychopaths who hurt each other with glee, even though they are far too old to be biting anyone. But at least they make eye contact and say hi, which is more than I can say for you!
Crazy OCD Woman
Keep checking those detergent and softener traps for dirt over and over again, babe! I'm sure that one of them will magically self-clean upon the 4th or 5th glance. And who am I to complain when you feed quarters into the wrong dryer by accident, but won't switch your clothes because "I choose my dryers very carefully"! Hey, they're your quarters.
Gross Pervert DOIN IT RONG.
Somebody should really tell you that when you are trying to pick up women at the laundromat, your opening lines should not include your devoted wife and adult children. Especially do not show pictures of them as you sleaze your way into their personal space. There was no need to inform me, as you partook of our ginger lily hand lotion, that you "are not a woman, but a man"! I know. And you certainly need not reassure me that you are not "a gay". The photo evidence of your heterosexual procreation was enough to convince me. Also: I don't care. I really don't.
Bed and Breakfast Couple
So named because no one could possibly have this many comforters and not be running a thriving hotel. You have no kids! How many beds do you even have? It's enough to bogart all of our giant washers. And you come in every week. Need I ask what the heck you two could be doing to dirty 53 bedspreads every week? Wait, nevermind.
Speaking of hotels...
Drunken Radisson Guy
You'd drive down in your van and park it haphazardly across our entire fire lane. You brought only white towels and played dumb so I'd do you laundry for you. Nope! Last time you roped the poor desk clerk into coming with you then drove away, leaving her to babysit the laundry. She had to get a ride home with a friend. But it's just as well; your slurred speech, swaying body and general mental dimness makes me seriously doubt your sobriety.
Rain Man
You look like a cross between the Comic Book Guy and a serial killer. You have 20 identical Batman t-shirts and wear ONLY Batman t-shirts every single day. You talk to objects and yourself incessantly and somehow decided that I was your sweetie.
You're a pain in the ass and honestly, I'm a little afraid you might stuff me in an oil drum someday whilst quoting Sun Tzu and bragging about how high your IQ is. Just go away forever.More to come as I remember them!
*pain in the ass
**EWs
***dread with every fiber of my being
Comment