Your wife doesn't work here........(bit long)

[Blue Ginger]

(BG/ As I have said before, I am a gatekeeper at Flaming Turd. Most of the 'services' are contracted out, eg: post room, cleaners, courier room. This means that we have to bend over backwards to please the 'customer'. Latest policy from client is to accept all incoming courier items, even when they don't a name or have a name not on any database. /BG)

CR = Courier Room Guy
BG = Me
RP = Mr Ranty Pants (sucky customer)
SG = Ex-copper Security Guard (built like a brick outhouse)

CR has finally been granted access to the staff location database (which is hardly accurate but that is another rant).

CR = Hey BG, can look this person up? They aren't on the database. (hands me a parcel)
Me = (after checking the 3 other databases and outlook ) They aren't here. I have a guy with the same last name, but not that initial for the first name. There is no phone number or anything listed though.
CR = Ok, they will chase it eventually.
Me = Ask the guys in the post room, maybe they know the name.
CR guy leaves with the parcel.

2 days later.........

A staff member approaches the front desk not looking happy.
Me = Can I help you?
RP = This parcel was signed for 2 days ago. Why haven't I got it yet? (shoving printed confirmation in my face)
Me = (tries to take page so I can see his name) Was it coming in via Royal Mail or by courier?
RP = How should I know? Just tell me where it is. (still waving page around)
Me = Well, if it was coming in via Royal Mail, I would direct you to the post room. If it was coming via a courier, I would direct you to the porters. Can I see the confirmation please?
RP = No you can't. How do I know that won't go missing too?
Me = *I will be reading it right in front of you, you toss pot* Can I have your name then please so I can check our incoming book here.
RP = What do you mean 'my name'? Don't you know who I am?
Me = *oh for f's sake* No sir, I don't, that is why I asked. There are over 2,000 people that work in this building alone. I can't know everyone.
RP = But I am head of suchandsuch department. You should know who I am. I demand to know where my parcel is.
Me = (hitting the 'security look now' button which makes security alert to a situation) Sir, without your name or more information, I can not help you find your parcel.
RP = You should know who I am. I can't believe you don't know who I am.
Me = As I said sir, there are over 2,000 people in this building. I can not help you if I don't know your name. (rinse and repeat X 3)
Me = (hitting the 'security come now' button) Sir, I have already told you several times that without more information, I can not help you.
SG = Sir, I would ask you to not raise your voice and calmly answer BG's question.
RP = She doesn't know who I am. She is too stupid to help me.
SG = Sir, there are 2,439 people that work in this building. That does not include all the external contractors. Do you know everyone that works in this building?
RP = It's not my job to.
SG = But it is my job. I know who you are, as I have been watching you on the camera and have pulled up your security pass details. His name is blahdeblah, BG.
Me = Thanks SG. I recognize that name. The courier room were trying to track down someone with that last name. But the parcel had a different first initial. I will call them now.
SG = Take a seat Blahdeblah. The courier room will bring it up shortly.
Me = (I call the courier room to bring it to reception. I wasn't going to give Mr Ranty Pants directions, as he would have gotten lost with his lack of brain cells )
CR = Hi BG, I have that parcel, who was it for?
RP = (scurrying over) That better be my parcel. I can't believe how long it has taken to get.
CR = (opening parcel registration book) Please sign here for it sir.
RP = Why should I have to sign for it? Only I would be taking it, no one else would dare.
BG =
CR = You need to sign to acknowledge that you received it sir. If you don't sign then I cannot give you the parcel.
RP = Fine then, I'll sign it. I can't believe you didn't know it was for me when it had my wife's name on it.
Mr Ranty Pants stomped off.
CR, SG and me

Mr Ranty Pants expected us to know not only him, but his wife too. And the head of suchandsuch department is a lot nicer than him. Mr Ranty Pants is not even high enough to have his own business card.

[Mytical]

Ah I remember that when I was security. . Sure, 90% of the time with a few pushes of a button I could figure out who it was, but that would mean I'd have to CARE who it was. No name, no getting anything. Don't care if you are the king of siam.

[MoonCat]

I can't believe you didn't know it was for me when it had my wife's name on it.

Wow, Stupid Comment of the Year contender right there....

[bainsidhe]

Well unless your wife is here to sign for it, I can't hand this over.

[morgana]

Well unless your wife is here to sign for it, I can't hand this over.

Me likes this! On the other hand, wait, so Ranty Pants ISN'T the head of suchandso department? I think the real head of the department needs to know who's been taking his name in vain.

[emax4]

By now, you know his name, you know his department, and now you know which supervisor to report him to.

[Marmalady]

No name, no getting anything. Don't care if you are the king of siam.

Exactly, or as we say where I work "No moving without proving"

[energyguy]

The three people in your company you don't want to piss off.

1) The person in charge of IT
2) The person in charge of security
3) The person in charge of post

He's managed 2/3 in one move.

[draco664]

The three people in your company you don't want to piss off.

1) The person in charge of IT
2) The person in charge of security
3) The person in charge of post

He's managed 2/3 in one move.

No. 3 only matters if you receive post at your work. I always say that the people you don't want to piss off at a company are IT, security and the person who cleans your area...

[Amadan]

I always try and be nice to the support staff at work, I've only been out of retail for a few months so I remember how sh*t some jobs can be.

Anyways it's to your advantage, for example the other day I forgot my pass. Sure standard procedure is for the security guard at reception to give you a visitors pass but by wishing him a good morning and saying good night etc he recognised me, so it took much less time, plus I'm sure if I'd have been an arse he could has been awkward in some way or other.

As for the IT thing - I've only worked in that particular office for few weeks but it's amazing how certain people are somewhat apprehensive speaking to you. I like it - mwahhaaaha!

[houdini]

Anyways it's to your advantage, for example the other day I forgot my pass. Sure standard procedure is for the security guard at reception to give you a visitors pass but by wishing him a good morning and saying good night etc he recognised me, so it took much less time, plus I'm sure if I'd have been an arse he could has been awkward in some way or other.

I do that too, and it's amazing how much faster I get in the gate as opposed to some head-up-his-ass who "doesn't have time for this!"...and then gets pulled over for five minutes to 'check' his pass!

Back on the subject, we actually have the opposite - when people come to take books out, we only need their surname to pull up accounts. I've freaked a few people out by quietly checking their name badges as they come to the desk, and pulling up their accounts immediately. They then ask "Don't you need my ID?" when I start issuing their books without asking for their name, always sounding a little worried. I do a sweet smile that freaks them out even more and "No, sir. I know who you are." Ah, small pleasures.

[earl colby pottinger]

Please call the real head of that department, and mention that there is someone else claiming to be the head of his department. Fun to be had by all!

[Kristev]

Yeah, I'd ring up the true head of the department and give them a clue who's pretending to be them, too.

[bainsidhe]

Well you could always call the department, ask for who's in charge, and explain that such-and-such employee was causing a scene at reception and with security because no one knew he was the department head of blah department.

[Gizmo]

I would find his home address and send an invoice for "post room services" to his wife at that address.

Its bad enough - but just about acceptable - to get a signature item delivered to your own works. To get it delivered to you spouse's works address is not acceptable.